About Looking For The Light Blog

My mother, stepfather and father abused me until I was a teenager. All the scars hurt particularly of my father who sexually abused me. It’s hard to wrap your head around sexual abuse. My father committed suicide in 1992. It was an extremely difficult time, my grandmother never recovered he was her only child. In my father’s suicide note he wanted me to take care of all the details. Estranged for years but the heart still breaks. Because of the manner in which he killed himself we had to have a closed casket funeral. It’s very hard to reconcile death when you can’t see them. I gave the eulogy however I don’t remember.

I struggle with Treatment Resistant Bipolar Disorder and the anxiety it brings. I was diagnosed  at 19 years old struggling for years without medication or over medicated. In 2005 I had the Vagus Nerve Stimulator implanted. The device sends electrical signals to the brain to increase Serotonin. I have taken over 40 prescriptions or cocktails. Some worked for a while then you have to try another mix. I thought the VNS device would keep me on the rails. Naïve thinking on my part. I was not as lucky as many in the FDA clinical trial. I realized the device was like any other prescription and it was another that didn’t work.

I’m 50 years old now and the Black Dog drags me down deeper as I age. I’m alive with the help of God, my Husband, Therapist and Psychiatrist. I’m blessed with a husband that won’t give up. It takes a village. I hope we can build a resource for all including the ones who love us. Please leave your opinion via comment section. Your thoughts help make me a better person and blogger.



  1. Most are not aware that bipolar tends to be hereditary. I can see that in my own family history. I am so glad that you are blessed with a wonderful support system to help you make it through the low times. I know God sent my amazing husband to show me what love really is, and that’s been a blessing beyond words.

    Thanks for visiting http://www.lifeistoughbutgodalwaysmakesaway.wordpress.com and liking my latest post about the scars of abuse running deep. I look forward to your return visits and comments.


    1. Thanks for taking the time to write. Yes, I have the genetic gene on my Dad’s side of family. I reached several thru Genealogy and there are generations of suicides. I wasn’t surprised. I pray often that I don’t add another generation. Did you watch Running from Crazy by Mariel Hemingway? It was on the OWN Network and chances are it will run again. It was frank, brutally honest, so dysfunctional. I cried most of the time. She put word to feelings I was unable to find before. I was shaken and I thought that box was long closed. I learned the pain is there and how you deal or not deal. I don’t have children but I can see how this documentary could help college students. May be to much for HS. I’ll keep an eye on your site out. Have a great day.


      1. I don’t have a tv and will see if I can watch the program via internet streaming video. The Hemingways indeed have a history of mental/emotional challenges.

        Regarding suicide, it might help to understand that it’s really not an attempt to kill the self but to kill that terrible pain that seems to overwhelm us all at times. I know you’ve experienced that kind of pain, and so have I. I also know that the depth of that pain and its impact are temporary even though it doesn’t seem so while it’s going on. It’s at those times that I turn to God as my strength and anchor even more than I do on a daily basis. He always gets me through, and I know He will always get you through, too.

        Be encouraged! God is always here for you.


  2. I have bi-polar as well. You are blessed to have a supportive husband. I think I will never have that. There certainly are no quick fixes and it’s a labyrinth of upheaval sometimes. My illness has to be managed and sometimes not well. But much better dealt with without the abuse. I have a chance at a semi-normal life.
    Thank you Warrior.


    1. I was hypo for so many years my ex didn’t know me any other way. When I crashed I spent so much energy trying to hide it from him. When I no longer hide, he said nothing was wrong with me. It was not an abusive relationship. I needed someone who believed me and made an effort to keep up. When I met my now husband, I laid everything out, the worst, assured him there would be bad times. I said I will lie to you and not want to. He said ok, tell him what I need until he learns. He’s still learning as we all are. I agree you don’t need abuse on top of dealing with mental illness on your own. As you get stronger and healthier you may make different decisions.


      1. Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I think I’m finished with finding a now husband.
        I’m hypo a lot, and when I go up and crash. It’s a miserable feeling.
        But it’s easier now that I’m free. I can’t imagine how we ever made it with abuse on top of that , but we did.


    1. I’m no different than anyone else in the club and millions out there. God didn’t want me to die, I can’t tell you how many times I tried. I am a Survivor. Like all of us I have a few unresolved emotions to deal with. Have a great day.


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