My mother, stepfather and father abused me until I was a teenager. All the scars hurt particularly of my father who sexually abused me. It’s hard to wrap your head around sexual abuse. My father committed suicide in 1992. It was an extremely difficult time, my grandmother never recovered he was her only child. In my father’s suicide note he wanted me to take care of all the details. Estranged for years but the heart still breaks. Because of the manner in which he killed himself we had to have a closed casket funeral. It’s very hard to reconcile death when you can’t see them. I gave the eulogy however I don’t remember.
I struggle with Treatment Resistant Bipolar Disorder and the anxiety it brings. I was diagnosed at 19 years old struggling for years without medication or over medicated. In 2005 I had the Vagus Nerve Stimulator implanted. The device sends electrical signals to the brain to increase Serotonin. I have taken over 40 prescriptions or cocktails. Some worked for a while then you have to try another mix. I thought the VNS device would keep me on the rails. Naïve thinking on my part. I was not as lucky as many in the FDA clinical trial. I realized the device was like any other prescription and it was another that didn’t work.
I’m 50 years old now and the Black Dog drags me down deeper as I age. I’m alive with the help of God, my Husband, Therapist and Psychiatrist. I’m blessed with a husband that won’t give up. It takes a village. I hope we can build a resource for all including the ones who love us. Please leave your opinion via comment section. Your thoughts help make me a better person and blogger.