Rest in Peace Grandma * I hope your heart is cleansed of Anger *

Published on by Looking for the Light

Original post 11/2014

 You receive from the world what you give to the world.  Oprah  

My maternal grandma died this week. I have no emotion. I would like to tell a story of a grandma and her granddaughter bonding and building memories. I can’t write about bonding because booze was her best friend. My grandfather an alcoholic as well, I can’t recall his voice. I walked into their house, the smell of Scotch over whelmed me. I wanted to get sick. My grandfather always sat at the dining table, a tall glass and bottle of J&B no more than arms length.He stared ahead and didn’t participating in the conversation.

My grandmother verbally abused me every time I visited or talked to her. I have no ill will for her, I live in the present. As a teenager, I felt cheated not having a relationship with them. Everyone carries baggage. She has to account for her choices in life before our maker. She birthed my abusive mother. My grandma had pent-up anger and aimed for me. The ones I heard most often “it was my fault my mother got pregnant” or “I ruined my mother’s life” or the most painful “you were a mistake” I lived for years hearing those words repeated, I felt so small.

I’ve struggled for days deciding if I wanted to acknowledge her life and death. I believe every one deserves acknowledgment at death.

I hope my grandmother is at peace, the angels helped her unload the anger inside and she no longer blames others for her issues. Rest in peace. 

M/Warrior

31 thoughts on “Rest in Peace Grandma * I hope your heart is cleansed of Anger *”

    1. Dearest Sage
      Thank you for taking the time to browse around the site. Your words always warm my heart. I know you have so much going on, thank you for taking a minute to stop by. I was reading your up to date post today, not quite finished but you are still crazy funny. So glad I can always depend on you to take sex, blow jobs and white bikini briefs to a new level.
      Have a great weekend.
      Hugs
      Melinda

      Reply

  2. I get it… believe me… unfortunately.
    Just remember — there are no “shoulds.” If you need to grieve, then do.
    If you don’t, then give yourself permission to not grieve. People are probably “shoulding” all over you right now. If they are, then it’s not their business. Wishing you a light heart and a peaceful mind. Hugs. 🐻

    Reply

    1. Thanks my friend,
      I grieved long ago, the process of not feeling hate in my heart took longer. I let all the hatred go for all my abusers many years ago. I wanted to live my life and my mind on what’s most important to my current life. I’m so glad, my health has needed the attention. Have a great day.
      M

      Reply

  3. I’m sorry for your loss.The loss being the missing relationship you deserved as a person and the love that should have come with it. The loss that actually leaves you numb instead of being able to mourn though that could well be the bi-polar at work, but most of all the loss of the chance of an apology for those crippling remarks a child had to bear.
    Despite having suffered so much over the years, you ability to recognise the problems your grandmother had and to forgive her and let her rest says a lot about you as a person.
    xxx Huge Hugs xxx

    Reply

    1. Hello my friend,
      I hope you and the baby are well. We all have two choices. I lived with hatred to many years. I forgave all of my abusers and I’m a much better person because of.
      Take care of yourself.
      Hugs
      M 🙂

      Reply

  5. I’m so sorry that you didn’t get to have a real grandma. I have some commonality, in a different way: My mother (and my late father) hates my son, her only grandchild. He never did anything to them. It’s just that he’s my son, and that’s a “good” reason to hate him. I’m so sorry you had to be their scapegoat. Their acid remarks to you were cruel beyond imagination. Only someone who was anesthetized by the bottle, or pathologically narcissistic could say such horrible things to an innocent child. I wish her words could have died with her, but unfortunately those are “gifts that keep on giving.” You are very generous to wish her peace. That takes a big heart, which you clearly have. And amen to your blessing for your grandma to truly know peace. May we all have peace and treat each other as the precious jewels that we are!

    Reply

    1. Hello my friend
      I think it was the same for me, there were issues with my mother and them. Unsure what, I was a good target. My mother was a Narcissist and then some. Their words were the least of the abuse I endured, it added to my issues. I started trying to kill myself at 9 y.o. and continued the effort until 13 y.o., had my share of close calls and hospital visits. Unfortunately the people who recognize a problem have little they can do. It wasn’t until I missed a few days of school and returned with a bruised up face did my Music teacher have the concern to step in. I thank her now but at the time, I begged, sticking to the story I fell down the front porch. I knew what would happen if anything was said to my mother. Hell to pay. CPS can to school, again I begged saying I know their doing their job but they would not help the situation for me. I that particular case, my stepfather hit me in the mouth with his fist. I had braces and my mouth became hamburger meat. I had two black eyes, bruise from my nose down to my chin. If CPS came to house, I would make another suicide attempt. They came unannounced, My mother deserves an Oscar, she convinced they I had a very low IQ, lied all the time, no one laid a hand on me and she was waiting for room at the state Mental Hospital. She said the words that haunted me for years, she is so stupid. When they left I waited in my room. It didn’t take long. I don’t think the system has changed much and it breaks my heart. Sweeping Child Abuse under the rug is still happening. No one wants to accuse a parent due to backlash. My friends thought I had lost my mind when I thanked God for giving me cervical cancer at 28 y.o. requiring a full histo. No one knew my history and I committed at 12 y.o. I would never have kids for fear of continuing the cycle.
      I’m sure you’ve seen plenty in your Practice. Thank for allowing me to do the mind dump. I cleared my heart of hatred years ago. I’m a much happier person. I hope your son fared as well. I know the words always hurt more.
      Have a great day. So glad you came by.
      Hugs
      M 🙂

      Reply

      1. Wow. You got the full treatment, didn’t you? Yes, I have seen some horrible stuff in my work as a Pediatric Emergency Physician. That’s one of the sources of my PTSD, among other things. My heart goes out to you. You never got to have a real childhood, just waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time. I’m glad you’ve done so much work, come so far in your work of healing. I don’t blame you at all for not wanting to have kids. I can totally relate to being happy to have a “legitimate” reason to have a hys at such a young age. Didn’t have to make excuses or argue with anybody about that! I’m glad you’re OK, too. I think I’ll go to bed now. Just made a whole mess of chocolate truffles for my boy (29) and his girl, who are coming in tomorrow for my Dad’s memorial.

        Reply

        1. Hello friend,
          Truffles sound really good! I’m a Chocaholic. I’m sure you see more than a fair share of children come in the door with unexplained injuries. I told a Psychiatrist at 12 y.o. I would never have kids, she looked at me crazy. Why would you say that? I was so clear in my vision, I never wanted to abuse my child. Sometimes it’s hard to believe how smart I was as a drug addict with a childhood full of abuse. I know for sure it was not my footprints in the sand.
          Have a great day. Hope your able to receive treatment for PTSD.
          M 🙂

          Reply

          3. Hello my friend
            I read your response about making truffles,it occurred to me, your father may have just passed away. You referenced the memorial service. In my haste, I didn’t pick up on the pain you must be in. I hope you are able to draw strength from your son and other family members. I pray you can take some time to yourself to celebrate the life and memories you shared. Thinking of you.
            M

    1. Hello my friend,
      Thank you for the kind words. I no longer live with a heart full of hate for my abusers. I’m a much better happier person. My memory is not so good due to Lyme Disease. I don’t think you’ve dropped by before. Thank you and I hope you will stop by soon. I’ll check out your site to see what’s going on in your world. Have a great day.
      M

      Reply

      1. Aw sometimes having a bad memory can come in handy. I’m glad you came to peace with your abusers as that is very hard to do. I’m starting to come to peace with mine. It’s going to be awhile though. Wish you safe healing and hope the lymes disease doesn’t hurt too much.

        Reply

  9. I believe you have the best possible outlook considering the torment your exposure to such verbal abuse caused.

    Reply

    1. Hello my friend,
      Thank you for taking the time to share kind words.The ability to let go became easier after my father’s suicide. While processing his abuse and death, I learned to let it all go. So blessed to have a heart not filled with hate.
      M 🙂

      Reply

  11. Dear Melinda,i’m sorry to hear about you losing your grandmother.

    Indeed, we belong to Allah and indeed we towards Him will return.
    May Allah Ta´ala wash away her sins, reward her for her good, and grant her a high rank in the Hereafter… 😦

    Reply

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