The morning after you killed yourself we went to secure the house. I knew immediately you suffered slowly. Among the papers, trash, and clothes I found your lockbox. The divorce paperwork to my mother, every card I gave you as a child. I found the pad you were writing on. Your Bible on the coffee table, dried tears as you read Job.
The note had 11:30 a.m. written in the corner. I could see you called your best friend and the phone number to a suicide line. There were words and a drawing that made no sense. Granny paralyzed, crying, asking why. The house ransacked, not sure anything made sense to her.
Dirty dishes piled high, nothing in the refrigerator, how did you live like this, how long? You phoned me several times in the months before your death. Delusional and highly paranoid each time. Someone was tapping your phone, they were trying to get you and the rest I could not understand, you were already gone. As much as I hated you, I cried, begged you not to kill yourself, trying to reason Granny would never be the same. I paid your bills for months. You weren’t in touch with reality.
The outcome will not change if determined. I knew you would take your life and told no-one. I’ve wondered what went through your mind in the hours doodling to writing the note, then killing yourself. I received the call at 10:00 p.m. Gramps said your dad has done away with himself. I called right back to see if you were dead or going to the hospital.
The boxes of cassettes were next to your bed, taking months to listen to. You were mentally ill, not under the care, no medications. Your temper went 1-10 in seconds, obnoxious, loud, racist, screaming, out of control.
I think of you one day a year.
Melinda
Looking for the Light 
This was a powerful piece of writing, M. I’m so glad you shared this. I am happy for you that you only think of him once a year, and I think I understand your compassion for your much-loved grandmother. Hugs to you, as always.
I new you would understand the pain felt for Granny. My anger was directed at what he did to Granny. Her life was missing a piece. I forgave, not forgot, I had to move forward. I understand his mental illness well since I have the same. Hope you’re well and enjoying the weather.
Hugs
Mental health is such a grey area, even with all the recent medical advances. Stunningly raw yet elegant writing – the kind of stuff which only comes from unspeakable suffering and life experiences. Kudos to you for this.
Thank you so much for leaving a comment. I truly appreciate it. I have a mental illness, allows me to understand much of his actions.
Have a great day. 🙂
This was so difficult to read. I don’t know why you hated your daddy but no matter how the final sleep comes, it’s always difficult, I think.
I hated my mother and although she didn’t leave the way your father did. It still left a hole in me.
How poignant the statement that you think of him one day a year. I would imagine that truthfully, you think of him more often.
No really only one day a year unless something pops in my head. My dad was one of my abuser, I pushed him out of my life. My Therapist has helped with all my trauma’s.
Thank you for leaving a comment. I truly appreciate.
🙂
A good therapist is hard to find. I’ve been looking for one since 2005. No luck.
I’m glad you were able to heal. 😊
I got really lucky, seeing her for 20 years has improved my life. Not all is healed in my life. I forgave, not forgot in order to move on.
🙂 Don’t give up trying, the next effort may be the one.
M
I have done neither in the forgiving and/or forgetting department.
You forget…you’re doomed to possibly repeat the past. You forgive…you let them off the hook.
I hear how you feel. I’m 53, suffer from Bipolar Disorder and the attachments. Both of my parents were abusers. Still estranged from mother. Estranged from both as a teen. The hatred was holding me back, I hated the world and myself. I was a terrible mess, my Therapist helped me see the options, I choose to stop the talking in my head.
Take care of yourself. Whatever decision you make is the right one for you.
🙂
That kind of abuse is not something to shake off .In the background if is always there, something black where the rays of the sun do not have an effect. It is good to talk, but not easy to do so and few want to hear. Reading this was a help to me. Thank you.
Thank you Paula for sharing your thoughts. I’ve seen my Therapist for 20 year, she’s made a huge difference in my trauma. My dad was also one of my abusers. I’ve resolved the abuse and choose to not look back. Have a great day.
M
That’s a tough one to have to accept. Thoughts are with you.
It was 25 years ago. The pain is long gone. My pain was always about my Granny.
🙂
Yeah, I can imagine. Does the pain go away or do you just learn to live with it?
The pain of his suicide wasn’t overwhelming. Being one of my abusers and estranged since a teen. My pain was driven by what it did to Granny. I have a great Therapist so we talked thru my anger. I forgave, not forgot, you have to move forward. 🙂
I can see that… ☺️
Sometimes writing some thoughts just for getting them out is good…no interpretations on this required 🙂
Thank you for leaving a comment. You’re right about getting things out and on paper. Have a great day.
M
🙂 you too have a pleasant day 🙂
Yes, parents don’t really loose their children, no matter what they do to them … sending you lots of love. Silvia
Thank you Silvia for leaving a comment. I disowned him as a teen, when it came to the end raw emotions come out. My Granny was never the same, a piece of her heart cut out.
Have a great day/eve. 🙂
Thank you! :o) The same to you!
I wish you’d been able to get the answers you needed before your Dad did this. Maybe something on one of the cassettes?
Hugs Robert.
He was on of my abusers, knew lots of answers. I forgave not forgetting and moved forward without him in my life. The heart knew I still loved him or I would not have cried and begged him so hard.
Nothing on the tapes, a couple of short conversations from my dad’s side. He was out of touch and delusional.
God has the answer.
Thanks for leaving the comment. 🙂
very powerful and personal…and sad.
I don’t feel sad on this day, it’s more why am I writing to a dead father who was an abuser. Why do I need to write and share. I hope someone is helped, not sure how. 🙂
A magazine called Brevity or The Sun – this is the kind of honesty they look for.
To be mentioned with a mag is quite a compliment. I’ll check them out, writing for a magazine became my goal in sixth grade. Blog is pretty close. Thanks so much for taking the time to leave comment.
🙂
You’re very welcome.
I glanced at your blog, you’ve been writing for several years. I like the variety of subjects, most come back to being a Nurse or in healthcare.
I started in 2005 and it’s still hard to believe there’s more to say. Life gives us plenty of opportunities to write. 🙂
I drove home from work thinking about posting today, two or three topics on my mind, one, obviously, Hurricane Irma ( I live in Florida).
I need to branch out some with the writing – your comment inspires me to do just that!
It may boost your love for writing and meeting different types of followers. Have fun. 🙂
Reblogged this on Art by Rob Goldstein and commented:
from the Looking for the Light Blog
Thanks Robert, this may be the first time you reblogged me. Makes my day better. 🙂
Poweful!
Thanks 🙂
Reblogged this on Survivors Blog Here.