Survivor & So Much More *First Posted 4/21/2014*

Published on by Looking for the Light

I am alive, happy, productive and helping other Survivors. I’m very blessed.

My childhood and teenage years were so difficult I truly believed suicide was the only answer. My first attempt was at 9 years old, I took all the pills in my dad’s medicine cabinet. I got a buzz then my stomach pumped. Suicide was always on my mind since the abuse was every day. If it wasn’t physical abuse, it was constant mental abuse by my mother. At the same time, I saw my mother physically and emotionally abused by my alcoholic stepfather.

At 13 years old I left my abusive life behind. It sounds great but you are so wounded you don’t want to look anyone in the eye, they may hit you or call you names. My mind stripped down and filled with trash, my mother took every drop of confidence I had. Over time my confidence grew and I started building who I am today. I did get called names and had a couple good fights. Sounds like any teenager trying to spread their wings.

I have many unresolved emotions, responses, and fears. Who doesn’t? What I can say for sure, I’m a survivor and so much more. Survivors have to dig really deep after being kicked down. It took years for me to discover what I liked and longer to get over my fear of failure.

My mother told me I was stupid all the time. I know better when I look at the books I’ve read. I do research on the internet and find internal Medical presentations. Last week was a 155 page presentation by the FDA on ECT to the medical community. I didn’t just find it, I understood entirely and told my husband about it. I’m not stupid.

I love art, music, photography, interior design, ancient history, and archeology.  At the height of my career, I earned over 300K a year, #1 on the sales force.  I can grow beautiful roses, collect antique cameras. I love to travel and went to Russia by myself. I’m not stupid.

I’ve had over 20 ECT Treatments while battling the Black Dog, married three times and started drinking at 9  years old.  I’ve made plenty of mistakes while building the person I am today at 50 years old. I’m a survivor and so much more.

Warrior

14 thoughts on “Survivor & So Much More *First Posted 4/21/2014*”

  1. Your story is powerful, Melinda. I’m thankful that you escaped the abuse and grew in confidence. My husband’s father was abusive and often called him, “stupid boy.” What a big lie!. In spite of never going to college, my husband is the smartest man I’ve ever known. Like you, he reads constantly to learn new things. It’s just hard for him to relax You are both amazing, good people. You are victorious!

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    1. God pulled me along, carried me many days when I didn’t want him. God still has a mission for me, I’m waiting to see what it is. I share my story so others who are suffering will know someone understands. 🙂

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      1. God is so good at pulling us – never giving up in spite of our resistance. You are living your mission now, I believe. There is more to come! ❤

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          1. I believe we both are. For me there have been revisions of my mission, and sometimes I think could be doing more. But I’m learning it’s okay to slow down and take breaks too.

          2. I let myself slow way down trying to heal this knee and it’s slowly getting better. I couldn’t walk a couple of days ago. You have a good point about missions changing, my life has done a complete turn around since being a teenager. I guess, when I think of God’s mission, I think of something big…..that’s why it’s hard for me to give myself credit for any good I do now.
            On the do the good front, I adopt underserved classes from our district by donating through out the year. Yesterday I donated to help them get a fish tank. I can imagine all those little eye looking up at fish swimming around. That is a small mission for God. They are wonderful kids. At the end of last year all 53 kids wrote me a thank you card for the software I paid for. It was so moving looking at their little hands trying to write my name. That makes me smile. 🙂

          3. Sometimes doing “small” things is more meaningful. I think Mother Teresa said something about doing small things with great love.

  3. Wow – “warrior” is the word. I’m horrified to read what you’ve had to endure, but I’m glad you’re a survivor (and so much more). Thank you for sharing your experience.

    Reply

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