It’s hard to believe it’s been seventeen years, so many have been spent caring for loved ones or being sick. I’ve lost so many years, no they weren’t technically lost, I was present during the first three years of our marriage, we had fun cooking together, enjoying a late-night swim and grocery shopping together.
When your vows say for better or worse you don’t think the worst will come so soon. You also don’t realize those years aren’t the worst, they get worse.
I was caring for my ill and dying grandparents over an eight-year period during the last years of their life. I stayed for weeks at a time. Absent, absent from my husband, our life and myself. It’s not a pity party today, it’s a real reflection of how marriage can be so different than you plan.
The year my gramps died I started getting sick and a year-long journey with a neurologist started. Every test was abnormal but she could not make a diagnosis. Luckily, I learned Internet search skills from my previous job and could start my research. I narrowed my guesses to eight autoimmune diseases and took a wild guess at Lyme. This is one of those times I wish I were wrong. Lyme and the illnesses it brings along have been in the driver seat since 2012.
This post isn’t about me, it’s about my husband. I’ve been absent, mentally unavailable, sick and dying since the early years of our marriage. I do think he got short-changed. We don’t know what we are committing to when we make our vows. The difference is those who stay committed to the vows no matter how shitty life gets.
I still expect the other shoe to fall, he’s never given me any reason to feel this way, it comes from from my traumatic childhood. Complete trust is impossible for me but I continue to build towards 100%.
When you’re chronically ill quilt is constantly over your shoulder, as I approach our anniversary day guilt has tainted my feeling of celebration. It angers me I’m not up to going to a restaurant for dinner, enjoy a bottle of wine or hold hands walking thru a park under the stars.
I am blessed to find someone who stands by their vows no matter how hard it gets.
Happy Anniversary Honey