About Me

“If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.”    Maya Angelo

Yosemite Verna Falls

Verna Falls, Yosemite 

After years of therapy and love of my grandparents, I was pulled from the abyss. I have a clear heart, no anger or self loathing. Not forgiving….forgetting, allowing me to move forward. Over the years, people brought sunshine into my life. I can’t thank them enough, like Angels dropping in when a push or pat on back was needed.

My mother and stepfather physically and emotionally abused me until 12 years old. My stepfather beat my mother almost daily starting with hitting her head side to side down the hallway, the hallway ended at my room. Everyone in the house lived in hell.

As a small girl, I dreamed my father would save me. The dream was over when he started sexually abusing me as a child. It was innocent at first or so it seemed. At 12 years old I moved to my father’s, the best choice compared to daily life with my mother and stepfather. It’s impossible to wrap your head around sexual abuse at any age.

In 1992 my father committed suicide. Estranged since my teens, we talked several times before his death. He called delusional and paranoid. Saying someone was tapping his phone. He told me about suicide, I told no one. My Granny was devastated, her only child was dead. We had a closed casket service. It’s hard to reconcile death when you can’t see them.

I battle with Treatment Resistant Bipolar Disorder. Diagnosed at 19 years old, I struggled for years without medication or over medicated. Thru the years I’ve taken over 50 prescriptions or drugs cocktails. Some medications worked for a while, then I had to try another mix. Bipolar Disorder is a Mental Illness without a cure. I manage my illness everyday and each day is different. Through advances in medicine, future generations may not struggle as we do today. We can pay it forward by participating in questionnaires, clinical trials and talking about our illness. Educating others is the road to Breaking The Stigma.

I am alive with the help of God, Husband, Grandparents, Therapist and Psychiatrist. I’m blessed with a husband who won’t give up no matter how hard it gets.

My background and Mental Illness is NOT a complete picture of who I am. Photography, Art and Music are my passions. I love vintage cars, riding motorcycles and the great outdoors. As a teenager I set the goal to see the world. My Bucket List continues to grow.

I’m an animal lover sickened by the abuse and killing of animals for testing dog food or facial cream. I’m concerned about extinction, global poverty and the global warming. Above all Education, children are our future.

2018 Update

I’m in a good place, like everyone there are bumps in the road. I think of them as learning opportunities even if I never understand why. The past six years have been the most challenging, diagnosed with Lyme Diseases which feels like death. The protocol is kill the bacteria before killing the patient and you are left with new health challenges.

Lyme has no cure, you pray for no flare ups or not the worst ones. The Lyme and co-infections went to my brain causing cognitive issues, like having terrible balance and early onset Dementia. The Dementia is the hardest on a daily basis, it’s like a machine gun took parts of my memory.

I now add Fibromyalgia, Neuropathy, Arthritis, skin sensitivities and problems with my eye site to list of ailments. Most are manageable at this time.

There are always challenges with Bipolar Disorder, medication management and an a excellent Psychiatrist keep my in check. I can be honest with him and he pulls no punches with me.

I had an Ebay store until 2005 when my Granny had her worst stroke, I closed the doors to help her. Today my Depression is under control with several new medications and I’m opening a new store. I so thankful to see the light and not darkness, getting a chance to do what I love is a true blessing.

Thank you for pulling up a chair to read more about me. I hope to see you again soon.

I enjoy hearing from you and comments are always welcome!

http://www.lookingforthelight.blog


16 thoughts on “Looking for the Light”

anaatcalin
October 17, 2015 at 1:17 pm

I can’t press the Like button for this post, but know that I deeply feel with and for you, and have great respect for all the challenges you’ve faced. What do you tell someone who’s been through so much it would put national heroes to shame? All I can say is Respect.
Liked by you

Looking for the Light
October 17, 2015 at 3:19 pm

My site is going crazy and WP Support is out-of-town until 21st. Thank you for the kind words. I know how far down I was and my life didn’t matter. If it wasn’t for my grandparents getting me off drugs and alcohol, I would not be here. They were hard are me and taught me to get rid of the thug attitude. I’m no different than any one who sees their life going away. I worked hard, made many bad decisions. When I started hanging with the right crowd it help the transition to find myself and be the best at it.
Hopefully I can get this mess cleared up.
Have a great day. 🙂
M

Liked by 1 person

anaatcalin
October 17, 2015 at 3:46 pm
I know about your site, I tried to visit earlier today 🙂 So after the 21st I’ll revisit. You have a wonderful day too, M!
Liked by you

Looking for the Light
October 17, 2015 at 3:56 pm
Like

Looking for the Light
October 24, 2014 at 11:14 pm

Thank you David for the kind words. You sound like you are familiar with mental illness. I have an awesome doctor who I’ve seen for over 15 years, he has worked hard to keep me level or getting ECT before falling to far. I take my husband to most of my appointments so he can hear first hand what’s going on. My doctor tells him what to look for and if I reach a certain point to call and get me admitted. Many people are scared of ECT, I’ve had 20+ over the years and would not be alive without ECT. I’ll check out your site to see what you having going on. Thanks again for the encouragement. 🙂 Warrior (old nick name)
Liked by 1 person

Looking for the Light

Hello my Wales friend David

is a bit much to choke down, you understand. I know why you can’t get any writing done! You are an email addict. I can tell your friend/followers love you, a bit more reading and I may feel the same. I’m the young chick age 51 years old. I love blogging and the sense of community is awesome. My heart is filled with sunshine when I can help someone. I have Lyme, thank you for tweeting my post out, many retweets on it. I pray one person avoids Lyme, I will have helped one person. It’s a terrible disease. I found it interesting you tweeted out a post about Lyme. Any connection to Lyme? I hope you’ll drop by again and drop a line on how you found me.
Many Hugs Back at You,
Melinda

Heather’s Starting End
September 22, 2014 at 5:10 pm

Melinda, that is A Bed To Lay Your Sadness on…for my daughter, who’s father died when she was 10. She had a history similar to yours…… 😦
Liked by you and 1 other person

Heather’s Starting End
September 22, 2014 at 5:11 pm

And the story of it, is my poem to myself, Cancer of the Soul
Liked by you and 1 other person

Looking for the Light
September 22, 2014 at 5:17 pm

Hello friend,
Did you read my About Me page? I’m not sure how to comment. Its heart breaking to hear your daughter lost her father so young. It must have been unbearable for both of you. No doubt you felt tremendous pain to see your daughter suffering.
I would really appreciate knowing what post you read so I can comment directly. I hope you will follow my blog so I can be here for you to lean on for support.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Like

Heather’s Starting End
September 22, 2014 at 5:33 pm

Yes, I read it. I have 3 girls. “Bed” was written for my oldest now 21…my teins will be 18 in march. It has, as you can imagine, been a long road but their past is now waking up and pushing through. I have one foot already on an unknown path to walk with them and it is very scary. The PTSD is begging to surge…
Liked by you

Looking for the Light
September 22, 2014 at 5:44 pm

Hello Heather?
I’m sure watching three girls grow up is very painful. Certainly if they were anything like me. I hope you are seeing someone for the PTSD, it has a crazy way of throwing you up in the air and twirling you around. I don’t suffer from PTSD very bad or often. A close friend of mine who did several tours in the military suffers terribly. It’s hard to bring him down or hang on.
We have much to talk about. I look forward to getting to know you.

Hugs M.

Heather’s Starting End
September 22, 2014 at 5:46 pm

Yes, we do!!!!!!!PTSD was the diagnoses 5 years ago…I call it denial. Easier to live under a black cloud of pain than face the real pain and confront it. poemsfromherlife@gmail.com
Like

Looking for the Light
September 22, 2014 at 5:53 pm

Heather,
I lost my ability to write poetry at 14, or better said I stopped. I have read more poetry since joining WordPress and the slightest urge has called me. Not enough to do anything but enough to acknowledge as an Adult you can write poetry about anything. I wrote about my teenage angst including the difficulty of kicking drugs. I have written since then but always based on a story if you will. I love NY for about 3-4 days, then ready to make it back to Texas. No doubt you miss home. msandorm@verizon.net, reach out when you need a hand.
Hugs M
Liked by 1 person

Heather’s Starting End
September 22, 2014 at 6:06 pm
Edit
Excellent…will do 😉
Like

Miss Min
September 15, 2014 at 11:45 pm

Reading through your description of yourself and your experiences, I’m taken aback by how alike we are. What a wonderful way the internet makes for us to connect to like-minded, kindred spirits across the oceans. The way you research on topics that have meaning for you; the love of animals and deep concern for the environment; the love of books; the refusal, really, to take life at surface value – all could have been written about myself. We even share a name. 🙂
Liked by you
Go ahead! You know you want to say it 🙂

141 Comments »

  1. The strength you possess is stunning. Just reading this post made me inspired! You are an amazing example to everyone out there, surviving despite the odds. In the face of destruction, you have turned into a butterfly 🙂
    I don’t know you, but I’m proud of you! Keep going, I know you have the strength ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow, that’s pretty big shoes to wear. Thank you so much for visiting my blog and reading my background. We don’t ask for what is thrown our way, we have to just crawl and keep crawling. I just left your blog before reading your comments. We must have been sharing a thought. I have no doubt the more I learn about you I will find the same strength in you.
      I’m following you and look forward to getting to know you. I’m always here if you need someone to talk to.
      Have an awesome day. Melinda

      Like

  2. I appreciate your openness about your past. I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been at the time it was happening as well as living with the aftermath, and you amaze me with your power to prevail and provide hope to all those who have suffered through similar paths that the past doesn’t have to remove your light. Looking for the light, always.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so sorry to hear of the abuse you endured. Childhood abuse is so heinous. I was abused but not by my family. Their involvement was their uninvolvment.
    I’m so sorry it happened to you.
    I was diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety disorder a few years ago. After many meds and therapy I have to say I did not come very far in that aspect of healing but I did set forth on my own healing through photography (even though I don’t know what I am doing) and mindfulness, or just finding little bits of joy here and there.
    I was diagnosed with Lyme disease 4 years ago but they are pretty sure I got it at 18 years old since I had rocky mountain spotted fever. I also have a muscle disease and bone disease so it is hard to separate them all and figure out what symptom is coming from where.
    I have been enjoying your blog and thank you for sharing such honesty about what you have been through as it makes others like me feel not so alone in this battle with mental iillness and physical illness as many cast judgment and stigmas it is nice to come to a place that is pure

    Liked by 2 people

    • Your read my about page, the pager is a downer but my life now is not. Except of course Lyme. Lyme and possible Rocky Mountain Fever can leave behind diseases worst the Lyme. It’s a nasty problem and some of us have other diseases. Both of us can relate. Have a great weekend and success with your healing methods. Melinda

      Like

      • Oh I didn’t see it as a downer just more of a…this is what i’ve been through but I’m a fighter moving forward on this journey…kind of thing…. yes, Lyme has so many coinfections and so many varying treatments are just ongoing. It is frustrating especially with underlying and overlapping illnesses and conditions. But we just keep trying!

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m glad the About Me page came across that way, it was my intention. I try not to think at Lyme until a flare up this week. I have a hard time walking, dizzy, weak…..it’s always something we have to deal with. 🙂

        Like

      • I was TOTALLY fine! Then it hit me and my toe joints hurt, felt dizzy, muscles hurt, had a rash. Was a wreck for a week. Now i am fine again. It is so unpredictable. I actually added in monolaurin which helped me immensely. Sorry you are having a flare. I try not to think of it either if i don’t have to. Until it hits me in the head and then I have to do something else.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. What a life you have lived! My experiences seem light compared to yours. I am inspired by your strength.
    My parents divorced when I was a baby and had a custody battle until I was 11. My mother was an alcoholic and I found out when I was 12 that she was a drug addict as well. She has Borderline Personality Disorder and I can’t even begin to explain the things she would do- never towards me, thankfully, but I was the mom and she was the child. I grew up very quick and didn’t get the childhood I wish I’d gotten, but it’s all made me who I am today and I’m thankful for that. I am strong and independent. Through help and forgiveness, I’ve become a person who only wants to see the best in others and I want to help them. I try to be kind, honest, loving, trusting, and forgiving. It took a lot to get to where I am and not to walk around trapped behind walls that I had previously built up.
    Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty. We are so much more than our past and our mental illnesses. Grateful to have found someone else who understands and can help when times are tough!
    I’m excited to see more!
    Thank you again.
    Alexandra

    Liked by 2 people

      • Some days you may be surprised what you get. I have only a couple of rules for the writers so they do their own ting. If a followers deserves a black eye give it to them, live with the concequesis. Their are some great writers on the team. I want more writers to join and I’ll stop rebogging my work. I’m not that popular on most topics on Survivors Blog Here.
        Sounds so funny, people know it’s my site but the demographics are different. I’ve spilled my guts all over the floor over the years so not much gooey and new. Thanks. Talk soon. I see a few more comments. M

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Thanks for leaving me a path from “More …Forgive.” I am glad to follow you here and learn something about your history and how you are overcoming (or have overcome). You are a strong woman who realizes the importance of having strong support and love to help you. Your story and victory is an inspiration. Blessings on you, dear. I’m following.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi friend
      We all have a story don’t we. I was truly blessed my grandparents raised me, fact is I wouldn’t be here. I don’t post much about the past although there are plenty, I started blogging in 2005. I have a chronic illness but spend all the time I have advocating for my causes and when appropriate share my story. Most recently a stalker. You’ll find many post to and about my grandparents. I thank you for following and I will follow the same.
      M

      Like

    • Danica
      You have the biggest heart. Even when don’t talk I think we’re both thinking of each other. I learning to walk again and some memory is coming back. Can’t ask for a bigger blessing than that.I haven’t learned how to make a No Awards sign, I’ll take the award if you help me make or tell me how to make a pretty widget.
      Your the best. Where the rest of the sexy, long to come thru the phone to you story? I enjoyed so much I can always hope. Thanks.
      M

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Hello Melinda, how are you doing? You are strong. I liked the way how you changed all the negativity into optimism. Like you said in my blog, we can change the world. 🙂

    Happy to be your reader… Love to read more from your blog.

    Regards,
    Anoop

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Bird
      There were many unanswered questions along the way, they are now revealed. Strong faith, yes…no always. As a child it’s about survival, being invisible, when older you can’t hide in your closet any longer. I was an adult before some of the pieces fell into place. Other than my health, I’m in a great place, I know Chronic Lyme isn’t the end of me. Thanks for leaving such kind words.
      🙂
      M

      Like

    • Hi Charly
      So glad to hear from you, it’s not often we take the time to write each other. I was very lucky to have grandparents who made sacrifices because they loved me. We lived humbly but our relationship was the only thing that mattered. Not everyone has someone like that in their life, family, partner, wife, it’s not always there. I did not have strong relationships with extended family. As a teen I was hell bent on self destructing to get away from my past.Therapy made a huge difference and more importantly I was the caregiver when each of my grandparents were ill until they died. It changes you, I understood what it felt like to make sacrifices for love.
      I hope you have family or someone in your life worth sacrificing your time for.
      There are no cures for Mental Illness, only medications to help you cope. It’s a tough road.
      Take care and let’s talk soon.
      🙂
      M

      Like

      • You´re a strong woman, like the other woman in my life that I really care about and I have no idea how she still puts on with me. Even with a the screw ups, always related to addiction that takes me to the hospital (spend two weeks last month in the hospital and this month I´m quite weak, if I start naming all the things I have in my body it will take an hour) and this woman, my mother will still say that I should stay in her house for some time so I don´t get back into the
        crazy life of addiction which is really killing me, I´m not too far from going to another place. The poor woman still will take care of a 33 year old guy. Go figure that one out how she does it. So it´s been almost 3 weeks without any intake of substances and is tough, but she´s here helping me out until at least I can get a meeting with the drug addiction specialist next month. You really got to treasure the small number of people that really love you.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. The help of God is without equal. But so is the support of a loving spouse. Without my wife at my side I could not make this trek. She is also a survivor, also of childhood sexual abuse — again the hand of God is shown.
    I am so thankful you have this site. The more places where people can see there IS life as a survivor – a thriver – the better chance of them being reached.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I can’t walk without God leading or helping me thru day. When I was young,living thru hell, I thought negative of the road bumps God put in my way. Several significant events changed my thinking. I know in my heart God is love and not punishment. I know the bumps will come large and small but they prepare me to handle the task. I’ve had very personal devastating pain of my grandparents dying. God helped me see how to turn the pain around and heal with others. He also prepared me to be a Minister and start a charity.
      We all have a stab in the gut pain. We have to take the skills we’ve learned and crawl first.
      Tell your wife I’m here for here anything, she want’s privacy email msandorm@verizon.net.
      Pax
      M

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hi Marcus
        Are you me referencing me in your statement? For me,life is never in the past and closed, no matter how tragic. For me in the past means I’ve taken the steps to move to a functioning state. Most people know, I talk about every thing. There are two traumatic events I haven’t worked through and don’t talk about. When I take the steps of talking with my Therapist, there may come a day I’ll share. I know you can understand.
        I hope you were not quoting me, doesn’t even sound like something I would say. Talk to you later.
        🙂
        M

        Like

      • no no no no no
        my wife says she is 100% past her abuse and needs nothing. Certainly not to discuss it. She doesn’t seem to understand why I still deal with mine – but she supports me all the same.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m with you, pain fades over the years but trauma never goes away. If she means that it doesn’t cross her mind, that’s a big step forward. If in denial, sorry to say, it comes back, it could even take on another form. All the pain we feel can be directed at another challenge and not realize. Everyone heals or not so different.
        Did you make my day and send the invitation back? My laptop took a perm vacation so back to the desk top. 400 messages, that’s why I was. I’m having a rough health day, nap time. I will feel better when I eat and sleep. My pain wakes me up all night.
        🙂
        M

        Like

      • Hi Marcus
        Your page is ready for your “About Me”
        I think you can go to Survivors site from the top left site choices.
        Go to WP Admin
        look for pages
        I named you Marcus since unsure.
        Type you info
        Change name if you want.

        I’ve not slept well for days don’t be surprised if some instructions are wrong. The key I remember to save!
        Have a great day
        I’ll write an intro soon as head clears.
        😎

        Liked by 1 person

      • No prob not a problem. I spent the morning cleaning up “About Me” page. Every year I grow and heal. Gives me a chance to talk cars. I leave a strong overview to help others.
        I’ll write an intro post once you have time to get set up, looking good.
        M

        Like

      • I posted … at least the initial stuff. Like you indicated, I may find need to update / fine-tune it – but it’s there
        🙂
        Thank you again for this incredible opportunity!

        Like

  8. Thanks for your honesty in sharing your experiences with this life. I admire your courage and I am glad we found each other in the blogosphere. I look forward to getting to know you more. With you on this journey, I send peace and love. Harlon

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Harlon
      How are you, we haven’t had much time to catch up. I ran across your name and wanted to know how you health is. I think you did a post on your health lately, my memory last 10 minutes at most. One of the shitty side effects of Lyme. More pain than drugs can control and loss of memory, I might be okay with the remaining effects. I know God is preparing me for next challenge, some days it’s hard. I’ve had so many great, good and tragic events in my life. Writing is to share with others and hopefully redirect my brain.
      Your first comment thanked me for being honest and open with my experiences. You would be on the journey with me. The words mean as much today.
      Hugs
      M

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Just discovered the other Blog survivorsbloghere and Follow there and I decided to Follow you here too! 🙂 I see many of my friends followers are here. Your about page is very intense to read and touched my soul and heart deeply. I wish you well and I am glad that you are at the place that you are now. All the best for you in your life, you are greatly helping others through your Blogs ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m so glad you stopped by my personal site. I’m co-founder of Survivors Blog Here.
      I’m very intense when advocating issues of cause. The group site is multiple topics, some are funny other writer fiction.

      I reblog everything I write to Survivors.
      I hope you had time so look at the different bloggers, we each have expererines. I’m sure you picked up on that.

      I would like any feedback or ideas the group site. What you liked or not so much. I’m slowing mocking clhanges.
      I hope you will come by often.
      Thank you for the king words.

      Liked by 2 people

  10. Melinda – Warrior/Survivor/Light – it pains me that you have endured such pain and abuse, but lifts my heart that you are hopeful and looking for the light. God bless you for the work you do for survivors of trauma.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Kitt
      I share my story so others including parents can have hope. My goal is to highlight how crappy my childhood was, I survived with the help of others. It’s so hard to fight the demons alone.
      Thank you for stopping by. Hope to see you soon.
      🙂
      M

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I am so sorry that you experienced such terrible things. Your lengths in which you’ve come to heal and become such a supportive person for all of us that are suffering is inspiring. xx

    Liked by 2 people

  12. How you’ve grown from such a disastrous start I’ll never know but you’re out there fighting and building the person you’re becoming all the time.Well done. It takes courage and will power as well as the drugs.
    Suicide was often the only thought in my mind for a long time but I made a promise to someone, and though difficult, keeping the promise became very important. Now it’s just a day to day thing where I think I’ve made it this far, I can make it a bit further too.
    Congratulations on your great fortitude.
    xxx Huge Hugs xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • David
      Thank you for the kind comments, you’ve been very supportive of me. Looking back, when I do, it’s hard to understand how I managed. My grandparents love built a solid foundation after getting my shit together. Tough love was the tactic and it worked. Mental illness has taken hold of my life many times, God had something else in mind for me or I would be long gone. I’m in the process of starting a charity to support learning for kids in shelters or underfunded schools. From there I want to make sure kids have some new clothes when they enter a shelter. There is so much we can all do. I’ll let God direct me.
      Have a great. If you need to talk my hand is offered to you.
      Hugs
      M

      Like

    • Hello my friend
      Thank you for the kind words. I laid everything about myself out there for others to know they are not alone. I hope people see the positive steps made to move forward in life and not let the past define me. I look forward to spending time at your site.
      Have a great day.
      🙂
      M

      Liked by 1 person

  13. I can empathize with you, sad you’ve had to endure so very much. Each of us has our struggles. Think of I have the ability to be reborn, reborn in the sense you are starting a new life within yours.

    The past was another life. To now be someone, a new person holding to what is positive. The best way to replace old memories is to feel now I am a new person. Making new memories and embracing them.

    See by the what you have written by the last part of About Me here, you have already done so. Continue with the positive. Many are with you and so are my thoughts and prayers..

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hello my friend
      Thank you for taking the to read and comment on my About Me page. It took years to reach a place of forgiveness and joy in my heart. I don’t look back and if I do it’s not for a pity. Life is much sweeter with a clear heart and the ability to feel compassion.
      Have a great day.
      🙂
      M

      Liked by 1 person

I appreciate your comments, what you have to say is important. Thank you.

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.