My Journal What a day! Checked in at 1:00 processed at 3:00. Next step is the questions, why so many questions. Telling your traumatic experiences to a stone faced woman waiting for her shift to end. Now a strip search and off to search my bag. No CD player or wire bound journal someone may hurt themselves. Losing it, I’m screaming fuck you … Read More Psychiatric Hospital Stay 2001 Part One
MEN”S HEALTH Chris Marvin had a secret morning ritual that he practiced in college. Sunlight creeping through drawn shades, he’d roll out of bed around 7 a.m. with a pounding head. After making sure his door was locked, he’d rummage through drawers and the depths of his mini fridge. Then, on a white marble desk that would have been pristine if not for the … Read More Why do men have so many eating disorders?
Bad Company has been a favorite since a teenager, it’s no surprise they are my favorite band. Before I play a video, there is a story connected. I went to see Bad Company in my twenty’s, during the show I kept hearing they were going to the Hard Rock Cafe (back when it was cool). After the show I went straight to Hard Rock. I ate … Read More “Your Song” Blog Party! *Everyone is Welcome*
This video floored me, it’s real for me, he spoke works to come from my mouth, Jim was able to show the guts, inside, raw communication and how struggles are battled. I ran across this last week, I don’t know who to give credit to. I’ve watched over and over and each time I see one of my dark times, suicidal journeys and crawling … Read More What It All Means
Original post 3/2014 Everyone suffers in an abusive environment. Our house was always in chaos. An alcoholic stepfather who abused my mother and a mother who abused her daughter. There were three other children in the house who saw the abuse, heard the screams and threats. I used to think the victim was the only person with scars. At 9 years old I survived … Read More Everyone Suffers in Abusive Household
My fantasy about life with High School boyfriend started the day we met. Our relationship was on and off until my late 30’s. He had to marry me, then go back to wife. The last time we talked, he was moving out, filed for divorce, leased an apartment, later started to move in with me. I should include, I bought the ring $12,500, he … Read More Dear Mr Fantasy
Original post 11/2014 You receive from the world what you give to the world. Oprah My maternal grandma died this week. I have no emotion. I would like to tell a story of a grandma and her granddaughter bonding and building memories. I can’t write about bonding because booze was her best friend. My grandfather an alcoholic as well, I can’t recall his … Read More Rest in Peace Grandma * I hope your heart is cleansed of Anger *
I started Looking for the Light on 2-22-2014, exactly 22 years after my father’s suicide. Every year on the date, my emotions/logic are so conflicted. I stopped drinking years ago but every year I get drunk, my coping mechanism. I thought my dad was cool as a child and we had lots of fun. My father had no clue how to parent, it was scream … Read More Good Times Gone Bad
Original post 8/2014 Elvis Presley had a lifetime fan in my father. I remember playing his Elvis records at 4 yrs. old. Jumping on my friends pink canopy bed with hair brushes belting out Jailhouse Rock. After the divorce Daddy would visit driving to a mom & pop store, we’d get bottles of RC Cola, sitting in-car belting out to the radio. We had … Read More HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY 1940-1992 **A Daughters Elvis Tribute**
Original post 5/2014 My mother was physically abusing me at 2 years old, actually started around 6 months old. She would grab me by the arm and dig her nails in on the underside. Nobody could see that way. I learned early how to smile to cover the pain. How could anyone hit this child
Original post 5/2014 I had to buy this Warhol because it was the complete opposite of my childhood. I saw the happy little girl and thought about me in kindergarten. She’s carrying a bag of candy and a good report card, again not me. What makes it so special is my mother told me I was stupid all the time. I began to believe her. … Read More Andy Warhol’s “So Sweet” *Live For Today*
Original post 3/2014 It’s been an emotional month with thoughts of my father’s suicide and writing about him for the first time. I never grieved my father, the emotions caught me by surprise. It’s been very confusing because my father was one of my abusers. I am having health issues which is stressful. The Black Dog has come to see me. I have seen … Read More Do you know me at all?
Original post 4/2014 My brother and I called our stepfather a Nazi because he was mostly German and he would beat our mother unmercifully. Her crimes as we knew were not having dinner ready or not warm enough. The kids were to loud, noise was not allowed in the house, he was an alcoholic with major control issues. I was 9 years old, my … Read More Nine years old living in Hell
Original post 4/2014 I’m writing the post with the outcome first. It made sense to me when reliving it. The tides turn It’s beyond comprehension why my probation officer saw hope in me. I gave her no reason, I had lost hope in myself, in life for that matter. I didn’t speak one word to her for seven months. I attended weekly meetings for … Read More I almost Killed my Father
Original post 3/2014 Both of my parents and stepfather abused me. We’re not talking spanking, we’re talking banging your head into the wall. I am 100% for discipline, accountability and house rules. You see children who have involved parents and the childs demeanor. I see parents yelling at the child while grocery shopping, belittling them in front of strangers. What we can’t see is child abuse. … Read More Could you hit your child?
When introspective, I fall in to music. Music defines a time and space. The memories are not all good, many are from rough times in life. No one knows what each song means to me or why, the answers locked away. A favorite U2 song is ” Running to Stand Still”. Etched in my soul, reflecting on my life. Pull up a chair or lounge … Read More Throw Back Thursday *Memories…Good Times…Regrets*
Triple Shot Thursday, who can turn the volume down on Neil Young or Janice Joplin. The first Neil Young gives you a glimpse at his sense of humor. Who knew? The video is priceless, today you won’t see an artist not prepared for a set. It cost money. The exchange with the audience is real and the foundation of good music. The second Neil … Read More Throw Back Thursday **Triple Shot With Neil Young and Janis Joplin**
No More Silence. No More Violence. Tune in for the NO MORE Excuses SVU Marathon This Sunday on USA The link will take you to information about event and how you can help. There’s an extensive list of resources. Mariska Hargitay who plays a cop on SVU, gives a special address. Mariska started the Joyful Heart Foundation in 2004 with the mission to help … Read More NO MORE EXCUSES
This post does not preach or try to convert anyone of any religion. It’s the story of my intersection with the Catholic Church at 13 years old. In my recent post “I Almost Killed My Father” I told of spending a year at a Convent for bad girls. It is here I became familiar to the Catholic Religion. Growing up we did not go to church. … Read More Stations of the Cross
My mother, stepfather and father abused me until I was a teenager. All the scars hurt particularly of my father who sexually abused me. It’s hard to wrap your head around sexual abuse. My father committed suicide in 1992. It was an extremely difficult time, my grandmother never recovered he was her only child. In my father’s suicide note he wanted me to take … Read More About Looking For The Light Blog