Growing up in a family of military veterans gave me a snippet of what war is and what it isn’t. War is simple to explain.
The country that was attacked has the right to retaliate in whatever way they choose and for how long.
It’s simple.
Melinda
May isn’t filled with many holidays but what a list of Awareness Month’s we have.
Melinda
References:
Here are a few products I’m loving with right now. I hope you find a product to add to your household or self-care routine. The list may also give you ideas for a surprise for friends, and family. Most products are found on Amazon.
Not only do I use this at night but also at nap time! It’s worth the investment and by only using a few spays at a time, it lasts a long time. Don’t forget to share with your bedmate.
This is my favorite body cream, it’s from a company built on ethics, and it’s a great price point. There are many fragrances to choose from and everything else you need to pamper.
This fragrance is out of this world and a bit on the pricey side. Treat yourself to a new fragrance. On the less expensive side, I buy the below.
They have many fragrances to choose from but this is my favorite from this company.
Who doesn’t love a smooth massage without leaving home? High-quality brand and with little maintenance it will last a long time.
I love this brush because it has a stiff and soft side. The ergo styling does make a difference in my wrist pain. It fit my needs and it was less than $10.
It is great to keep these around the house and office for when you need to reduce stress. They help me fall asleep by rolling a line down both sides of my neck and a dab under my nose. Essential oils also help if you roll on the lower parts of your body, the smell will go right up to you.
You don’t have to spend a fortune on a nice Essential Oil Diffuser, of course, there are more elaborate ones on the market. My life is about simplicity and this one has served me well for over 5 years.
I have not found a better essential oil mix to add to my Diffuser. It’s a great fragrance anywhere you have a Diffuser but this blend sets me up for a good night.
Melinda
Cinco de Mayo is not Mexican Independence Day, a popular misconception. Instead, it commemorates a single battle. In 1861, Benito Juárez—a lawyer and member of the Indigenous Zapotec tribe—was elected president of Mexico. At the time, the country was in financial ruin after years of internal strife, and the new president was forced to default on debt payments to European governments.
In response, France, Britain and Spain sent naval forces to Veracruz, Mexico, demanding repayment. Britain and Spain negotiated with Mexico and withdrew their forces.
France, however, ruled by Napoleon III, decided to use the opportunity to carve an empire out of Mexican territory. Late in 1861, a well-armed French fleet stormed Veracruz, landing a large force of troops and driving President Juárez and his government into retreat.
America has made the holiday a drinkfest which is an insult to the history of Cinco de Mayo.
Melinda
References:
Original post 3/2014
Everyone suffers in an abusive environment. Our house was always in chaos. An alcoholic stepfather who abused my mother and a mother who abused her daughter. There were three other children in the house who saw the abuse and heard the screams and threats. I used to think the victim was the only person with scars. At 9 years old I survived almost daily beatings by taking drugs, plenty of alcohol, and trying to kill myself. It never occurred to me my brother suffered from witnessing the abuse. My brother’s scars are from seeing our stepfather beat our mother. Dragging her down the hall beating her head from side to side. Putting a knife to her throat saying he would kill her. Most of their fights ended in front of our bedrooms. We had front-row seats to hell. My mother abused me, and the methods escalated as I aged. I heard stories of abuse as early as six months old. I don’t think my mother was trying to kill me. She’s like the women on the news who allow their kids to die. She didn’t push my head under the water but would have crocodile tears if I drowned accidentally.
One weekend driving back from Houston we passed the exit to my mother’s house. I had strong emotions about my brother, not me. I didn’t understand the emotions. It hit me like a train, my brother was not physically abused yet was still a victim of abuse. He heard his sister scream and cry while his mother threw me to the floor, and hit my head on the countertop or down the hallway walls. He saw my stepfather hit me in the mouth with his fist. He saw my stepfather threaten to kill my mother while holding a knife to her throat. The realization was an eye-opener, I had overwhelming guilt. My brother and I never talked about it. The pain was swept under the rug. I didn’t know how he felt about the violence he saw. Neither of us knew how the violence would manifest itself in our souls. We had no idea how it would affect the decisions we made as adults.
My brother holds almost all emotions inside, it doesn’t even show on his face. I don’t think he realizes how the violence shaped him as a man. He has a good relationship with my mother yet he lives with the knowledge of what his mother did and allowed. I went to live with my father at 12 years old which meant I only saw my brother a couple of times of year. On my father’s designated holidays we went to my grandparents. We drifted apart from only seeing each other a couple of times a year. After college he moved to Arlington we were both alcoholics by then. Our meetings were at drunken parties at his apartment. We quit calling each other. It took the death of my father to bring us back together. It is the only positive from my father’s death.
I developed a strong relationship with his fiancé. We talked like old girlfriends. She was at my house one-night enjoying wine and chatting. I had no control over my mouth, it spilled out. I asked her if he acknowledged my abuse. She shared how much it affected him, the guilt he carries. A missing piece of the puzzle filled my heart. I thought I was invisible. We are very close, talk or e-mail very often. We live only 30 minutes apart but his travel schedule doesn’t allow much time together. A perfect example, is their Christmas presents are still in the closet. The difference is when we are together it’s like no time has passed.
It has been very touching to get e-mails from him as I deal with my health issues. His tone is of true concern. There was a time when I didn’t think this day would come. I’m so happy. I love my brother. I love him enough to attend his wedding even though I would have to see my mother. I did not want to look back knowing I missed his wedding. I realized another level of love and what you will do for love.
XO Warrior
Thank you for all the great feedback on the Blogger Highlight series, I’ve enjoyed meeting each blogger and sharing their site with you. This week we highlight Kelly’s Quest.
I read some of her posts last week and her site is a slice of heaven! Please stop by and say hello.
Melinda
Pay attention to any threat you receive! Does this person think I’m that stupid? Not to mention, I can’t perform the act he mentions. HAHA.
Hello pervert, I’ve sent this message from your iCloud mail.
I want to inform you about a very bad situation for you. However, you can benefit from it, if you will act wisеly.
Have you heard of Pegasus? This is a spyware program that installs on computers and smartphones and allows hackers to monitor the activity of device owners. It provides access to your webcam, messengers, emails, call records, etc. It works well on Android, iOS, and Windows. I guess, you already figured out where I’m getting at.
It’s been a few months since I installed it on all your devices because you were not quite choosy about what links to click on the intеrnеt. During this period, I’ve learned about all aspects of your private life, but one is of special significance to me.
I’ve recorded many videos of you jerking off to highly controversial рorn videos. Given that the “questionable” genre is almost always the same, I can conclude that you have sick реrvеrsiоn.
I doubt you’d want your friends, family, and co-workers to know about it. However, I can do it in a few clicks.
Every number in your contact list will suddenly receive these vidеоs– on WhatsApp, Telegram, Instagram, Facebook, and email – everywhere. It is going to be a tsunami that will sweep away everything in its path, and first of all, your fоrmеr life.
Don’t think of yourself as an innocent victim. No one knows where your реrvеrsiоn might lead in the future, so consider this a kind of deserved рunishmеnt to stop you.
I’m some kind of God who sees everything. However, don’t panic. As we know, God is merciful and forgiving, and so do I. But my mercy is not free.
Transfer 950 USD to my Litecoin (LTC) wallet: ltc1qcfmwa338xdc4wf40psy6fju3zum5scepxkx8kg
Once I receive confirmation of the transaction, I will permanently delete all videos compromising you, uninstаll Pegasus from all of your devices, and disappear from your life. You can be sure – my benefit is only money. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be writing to you, but destroy your life without a word in a second.
I’ll be notified when you open my email, and from that moment you have exactly 48 hours to send the money. If cryptocurrencies are unchartered waters for you, don’t worry, it’s straightforward. Just google “crypto exchange” or “buy Litecoin” and then it will be no harder than buying some useless stuff on Amazon.
I strongly warn you against the following:
* Do not reply to this email. I’ve sent it from your iCloud mail.
* Do not contact the police. I have access to all your devices, and as soon as I find out you ran to the cops, videos will be published.
* Don’t try to reset or destroy your devices. As mentioned above: I’m monitoring all your activity, so you either agree to my terms or the vidеоs are published.
Also, don’t forget that cryptocurrencies are anonymous, so it’s impossible to identify me using the provided address.
Good luck, my perverted friend. I hope this is the last time we hear from each other.
And some friendly advice: from now on, don’t be so careless about your online security.
This letter is total crap but for those who take everything as real, get a new attitude about Identity Theft and the dumb ass hackers out there.
Melinda
I have taken many courses at Coursera over the last 15+ years and it’s a great way to try something new. Occasionally, the topic isn’t what I thought, and I didn’t finish the course. That’s the flexibility I appreciate. Coursera has so many options not only for free courses but they have degree programs as well.
Take a look at their catalog to find your next learning adventure.
Melinda
Melinda
In this fast-paced social media world, it can be difficult to find the time to look within or back in time. I hope you find these quotes and questions interesting. So glad you stopped by today!
Continue reading “Deep Thoughts”Recipe from Willow and Sage by Stampington
Making your own essential oil is easier than you think. Gather dried herbs and oil of your choice. Dried herbs are better than fresh ones to prevent mold.
Calendula Oil–Use for any skin remedies, like in lotion or facial oil.
Peppermint Oil–Wonderful for relieving aches and pains. It can be used as a massage oil or added to bathwater. If you have a headache, rub a bit on your wrist and breathe in the healing aroma.
Rosemary Oil–If you have hair troubles, such as poor growth, lice, or dandruff, rosemary is a great option. Add the infused oil to shampoo or use it as a hair mask.
Lemon Balm Oil–Lemon balm is a natural astringent and has antibacterial properties, which are amazing for healing cold sores and other skin irritations.
Place the dried herbs in a clean 1-quart mason jar. Cover the herbs with the oil of your choice with a 1-to-2 ratio. Add enough that the herbs are completely covered by at least an inch of oil. Seal the jar with an airtight lid, and add either place outside or in a sunny window. Let infuse for at least four weeks. When the oil is ready, strain it through cheesecloth, making sure to strain as much oil as possible. Store the oil in the same mason jar or pick one of your choice.
If you don’t have a place you buy your dried herbs from, you can go to the Stampington website, and towards the back, you will find many vendors who sell top-quality craft items.
Get creative with the scents you love.
Melinda
Repost from 2020
Willow & Sage by Stampington
Wooden diffuser sticks or other suitable decorative stick
Lavender essential oil
Tea Tree essential oil
Fractionated Coconut oil
Glass bottle
Blend essential oils into fractionated coconut oil at a ratio of about 1-4, fill the glass bottle halfway, and insert sticks.
Use a bottle with the smallest opening possible, and use as many sticks as you can fit into the opening. This will discourage oil from evaporating quickly through the bottle opening and encourage it to evaporate more slowly through diffuser sticks.
Display the diffuser far away from sunlight, strong lights, and excessive heat to increase the longevity of the oil blend, or display closer to these things for a stronger and shorter diffuser.
The gifts we make ourselves are the ones that come from the heart.
Melinda
Repost from 2020
The family cookbook contains recipes, my Granny’s & Gramps used often and is the type of food I grew up on. Many with veggies and tomatoes from the garden. Good ole Southern food like my Gramps dumplings, to Grannies pecan pie.
This is another baker’s secret, there are no instructions, but we’ll be okay.
You Will Need
4 cups flour self-rising
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup shortening
2 packets yeast
1 1/2 cup water
Dissolve yeast in the water
I think you dissolve yeast in the water first and then mix it together. You aficionados out there will know best, and roll them into a dough ball and cut them to size. I eat bread sometimes and would not pass on several hot biscuits in one sitting, even better with real butter!
Will keep it for several weeks.
Melinda
Grief is one of the most powerful emotions a person can experience. It’s also something that everyone has to deal with at some point in their lives. We love, we live, and we die. Then we’re left to pick up the pieces.
The fact is, grief hurts. It’s natural for it to hurt, and it’s natural for different people to have different experiences of this pain. But that doesn’t mean that every experience of grief is healthy. It’s easy to get sucked into a hole of grief that doesn’t stop hurting and that stains the rest of your life.
While it might not be as simple as “moving on”, it is possible to manage your grief. Here are some tips to help.
In some cases, you might find the grieving process begins before your loved one has passed away. Usually, this is due to a long illness that can only ever result in death. If you act as a caregiver, it can be hard to balance this grief with the practical parts of caring for your loved one.
Sometimes you have to compartmentalize. This means that, when you’re actively caring for them, you focus on the practical side of things. But you still need to allow yourself to process your grief.
But you should also try to find the joy in being a caregiver. It’s hard work, physically, mentally, and emotionally. But it allows you to spend time with someone you love and it allows you to demonstrate how much you love them, even if they can’t always recognize it.
Unfortunately, life goes on for all of us, even when we lose someone we love. Everything else doesn’t grind to a halt, even if we feel like it should. We have work, family responsibilities, chores, and bills.
Some people prefer to throw themselves into literally anything else so that they don’t have to think about their grief. Still others find it impossible to concentrate on anything else.
Even if you’re in the former camp, you still need to give yourself time to grieve. It hurts, but it needs to hurt. Don’t feel ashamed because you aren’t able to stop hurting after a few months, but also don’t feel guilty when you manage to have a moment without thinking about the person you lost.
Let yourself hurt and cry and grieve, but let yourself live as well.
Part of processing grief healthily includes talking to people you trust. If you’ve lost a family member or friend, you and your loved ones can help each other by talking about your shared grief. You aren’t being a burden, you’re just being human.
In some cases, you may feel as though you need to talk to someone else. That’s what grief counseling consultation is for. You can talk to someone who is experienced and trained to help you, but who also won’t be hurt by your feelings.
This is a collaborative post.
Melinda
I was not born into money and any money had to be made by me. Sometimes, I would think “If I had money, this would all go away.” The great thing is this encouraged me to jump out there and set the world on fire.
My first job was a paper route at 10 years old, just several blocks around my house, producing money that made me feel more in control and it felt great.
I worked my way into sales which is a natural fit for me, and I worked hard but always had my eye on the goal, more money. I joined a 2B company as a National Trainer with 15-20 offices. I had arrived at the top! Not really. I traveled 5-6 days a week, ran errands the entire weekend, and spent no time with my ex-husband. This job was the beginning of the breakdown in our marriage.
During those few years, my salary was between $250K-$350K, plus adding bonuses like money and exotic trips, I was riding high. I spent money like crazy, and never thought about my long-term future.
A few years later, I won a lawsuit and became a multi-millionaire. It was short-lived after paying the taxes and the lawyer and the settlement isn’t so large. Shortly after the settlement, I had Brain Surgery and took some time off to recover by remodeling and upgrading our house. While our marriage fell apart and we divorced.
I never asked myself if I was happy, fulfilled, and living a good life. I wasn’t and set out to make major changes. First I started focusing on the future while maintaining a fun life. After the divorce, I no longer had big money. It was a time for discovery.
I matured from the divorce and started writing down what made me happy or what I thought would. I started by giving a bit to charity and other ways to find joy and spent some time thinking about the type of man that I wanted in my life if the chance came again. I was open but already 38 years old.
Learning how to get in touch with myself happened after I married my husband. I have learned what “in sickness and in health means.” He’s had my back, loved me when I was in very dark places and mean, and has shown that love for over 23 years.
Our focus changed to what we want in our future and retirement, what number would give us a comfortable retirement. To do that you have to make sacrifices which in the beginning was hard for me but now, I would not go back to my high-rolling days.
Money didn’t give me joy, it flamed my ego which affected my marriage.
Money didn’t keep my Bipolar Disorder under control, I did.
Money didn’t keep my Grandparents from dying.
Money will not protect you from harm, death, illness, or stress.
I love our comfortable life watching TV together every night, and catching up on the day while sharing a meal. My husband washes his own clothes which makes it easier on me, takes care of the dogs, and cooks most of the time and in Summer he’s great about watering my plants.
What my journey taught me is money is great but it’s icing not the foundation of a great life.
Melinda
I’m glad you stopped by and hope to see you soon.
Melinda
It’s the weekend!!!!!!
I’m glad you joined me this week for another edition of Weekend Music Share.
Have a great weekend!
Melinda
Welcome back to Weekend Music Share, the place where everyone can share their favorite music.
Feel free to use the Weekend Music Share banner in your post, and use the hashtag #WeekendMusicShare on social media so other participants can find your post.
The family cookbook contains recipes, my Gramps & Granny used often and is the type of food I grew up on. Good ole Southern food like my Gramps dumplings, to Grannies pecan pie.
4 cups Brocolli
1/4 cup raisins
1/4 cup onion green tops and all
Bacon bits or Bacon crisp
1 TSP Vinegar
1/4 cup sugar
3/4 cup Mayonnaise
There are no instructions, to me it means, mix well together and serve cold.
This is a great snack to take to a party or family gathering.
Melinda
It is a big responsibility to help someone with a chronic illness. Depending on the severity of the situation, there will be many changes to your life and theirs. This is true for a professional caregiver, family member, or good friend. There are also some common mistakes that people make when trying to help. Don’t worry; most of us are in an impossible situation when caring for someone. From being aware of what to say to looking after yourself, here are some care tips.
Many chronic illnesses can take a turn in an instant. Epileptic seizures, diabetic comas, and falling over because of a back injury are some examples. Knowing what to do as fast as possible can mean the difference between helping someone or serious consequences. A CPR and first aid certification may not sound like much, but it will be helpful in the case that something bad happens. It’s all about a fast response. Speed and skill do save lives!
Even with the best intentions, we can say things we really shouldn’t. You may even make ableist remarks without realizing it, which could upset or offend the patient. This would be classed as discrimination in a court. So be careful what you see. Here are some common examples:
It is best to keep your opinions to yourself when caring for someone with a chronic illness. Even with the best intentions, you may say something that can be taken the wrong way. It can also be more challenging to care for someone when there is some kind of tension between you.
As a caregiver, you are not bound by the same confidentiality rules as a doctor. However, that doesn’t mean the entire world needs to know about the issues a patient has. It is hard enough for most people with chronic conditions. One survey found that 56% of people with epilepsy feel it is a stigma. And 35% have faced direct discrimination. The private conditions of patients should remain just that. If they want to tell people, then it is up to them and not caregivers.
Engagement is a key factor when it comes to caring for most patients. Because of the debilitating symptoms of chronic illnesses, it is even more vital for chronic patients. Many chronic illnesses come with stigmas and some cannot live a normal life. This causes issues like depression. Yet, often, all it takes is for someone to be a good friend and just listen to what a patient has to say. Communication can also help you become a better caregiver to the patient.
We live in a world where we have almost been conditioned not to touch people. There are very good reasons for this. But as a caregiver, the art of touch can be a skilled way to reassure and encourage someone. Appropriate touching includes a gentle tap on the elbow with some kind words. Holding a patient’s hand through pain provides reassurance. And even a gentle hug can make someone’s day. These cause genuine hormonal changes that make someone feel better.
No two chronic illness cases are the same, even for patients with the same condition. This is because everyone is different. All situations are different; medication requirements will be different, and living arrangements will be different. It always helps to discuss specific needs with the patient, their family, and other caregivers if the patient cannot speak for themselves. This also includes any boundaries that must be respected between the patient and the caregiver.
Taking on the role of a caregiver is not an easy task. It requires dedication to the life of another, as well as your own. Therefore, self-management is vital for getting the job done well.
It is challenging to help someone with a condition you don’t understand or know nothing about. You don’t need to become a doctor. But learning about a specific chronic illness means you know what to expect, understand what can happen, and how to assist when a situation arises.
Most chronic illnesses require a lot of medication. Pain medication, heart stabilizers, and anticonvulsants are common. Misuse of medication is dangerous and will cause severe problems to a patient’s health. It is vital you organize medication and follow the script.
It’s an old saying, but you can’t take care of someone else without first taking care of yourself. Poor self-care poses a threat to a patient. Focus, attention, and mood will be affected by a poor diet, for example. Ensure you turn up in as good a state as you can to be a good caregiver.
You can also offer support to patients by teaching self-care with a chronic illness. They cannot rely on someone else 100%.So helping them learn about their own illness and the medication they need will help them become a little more independent for the times they are alone.
Becoming a caregiver means giving up some parts of your life. A patient with a debilitating chronic illness may depend on you for many things. In some cases, it can be like having two lives with double the work. Therefore, it helps to address your own personal feelings about the situation. If you are not invested emotionally, it can be hard to do the job correctly. Taking on too much is a common mistake. Get help from another caregiver if you can’t emotionally cope.
We tend to stay quiet most of the time as no one likes being questioned too much. However, questions are vital when caring for someone with a chronic illness. Otherwise, how else do you know what to do in a given situation? The questions don’t need to be complex. A simple “What do you need right now?” is more than enough to meet the needs of a patient. The trick is to limit the intrusion and use your better judgment as to when to ask the patient a pertinent question.
As a caregiver, you can learn a lot about an illness. And this is an excellent thing to do. It will help you become a better carer for a patient. However, you must remember that you are not a medical expert! Some healthcare professionals don’t communicate well, and this can be stressful. However, learning to work with them is the best thing for the patient. If you feel that there is a lack of expert care or a course of action that is harming a patient, you can report this.
Your own self-care is essential as a caregiver. But what about the patient? Yes, helping a patient with self-care is a necessary part of the job. Some chronic illness patients also experience mental health issues, around 37% in fact. This can affect how well they look after themselves on a day-to-day basis. Helping with personal hygiene, getting some outdoor time, and meal preparation will help form an enhanced self-care plan and gain a little more independence.
Offering medical advice should only be limited to medical health professionals. But even general advice won’t help the situation. Offering advice, even if it is well intended, can make a patient feel worse. So, you must be careful about what you say to a patient. Here are some ideas:
It can be hard not to offer advice, as it is a very human thing to do. However, most patients just want to talk and have someone listen. You will be a better friend and caregiver by doing just that. A patient will appreciate you engaging on their level and listening to what they have to say.
There are various symptoms that come with chronic illnesses. And they are pretty easy to spot when you understand what they are. However, there are some hidden symptoms that can be more challenging and indicate a patient’s issues are getting worse. Observation, conversation, and asking questions will help. Some of the common signs that a chronic illness is getting worse include stress and anxiety, not getting good sleep, and loss of focus and concentration.
You need to be prepared to act fast with CPR or first aid when assigned to help someone with a chronic illness. It also helps to learn about the condition, understand medication, and take care of yourself. These help spot the symptoms that a chronic condition might be getting worse.
This is a collaborative post.
Melinda
The family cookbook contains recipes, my Gramps & Granny used often and is the type of food I grew up on. Good ole Southern food like my Gramps dumplings, to Grannies pecan pie.
This is a versatile filling and it’s good for Cream Pie. I’m writing the recipe like my Granny wrote, it’s fun to see her writing. Photo is included at the bottom.
Mix 1/4 sifted flour
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 TSP salt
Add slowly and blend well. 1 1/2 cups milk
Beat 3 eggs hocks and mix in
Cook until it thickens, about 5 minutes, stirring all the time
When done add 2 TBS butter & 1/2 TSP Vanilla
This recipe was written on a notepad from where my BFF worked at the time. I must have been 25.
Enjoy!
Melinda
In this fast-paced social media world, it can be difficult to find the time to look within or back in time. I hope you find these quotes and questions interesting. So glad you stopped by today!
I’m so glad you joined me this week on Wordless Wednesday!
Sydney Opera House Sketch
Melinda
IDEAS TED TALKS
May 1, 2019 / Nora McInerny
I quit my job shortly after my husband Aaron died in 2014 following three years with brain cancer. It made sense in the moment, but I needed money to keep my son and myself alive so I went to a networking event to hopefully make connections. I was introduced to a successful woman in her early 70s who everyone referred to as a “legend.” She wanted to meet me for coffee and I thought, “What could she possibly see in me?”
What she saw in me was herself. She had been 16 when her boyfriend died. He was her first love and they were teenagers in a different era, when it was perfectly plausible that you would be married after high school. Instead, he went to the hospital one day and never came back. She learned later that he’d died of cancer, which his parents had kept secret from him and from his friends. They didn’t know how to talk about it, and they didn’t want him or his friends to worry.
This boy had died decades ago. She was married, a mother and a grandmother. And she told me about his death as if it had happened weeks ago, as if she were still 16, still shocked and confused that her beloved was gone and she’d not had a chance to say goodbye. Her grief felt fresher than mine did, because I didn’t feel anything yet.
The only guarantee about grief is that however you feel right now, you will not always feel this way.
Time is irrelevant to grief. I cannot tell you that it will feel better or worse as time goes by; I can just tell you that it feels better and worse as time goes by. The only guarantee is that however you feel right now, you will not always feel this way.
There are days when Aaron’s death feels so fresh that I cannot believe it. How can he be gone? How can it be that he will forever be 35 years old? Likewise, there are days when his death feels like such a fact of my life I can hardly believe that he was ever not dead. I thought I would be able to control the faucets of my emotions — that certain days (his birthday, his deathiversary) would be drenched in meaning, and most days would not.
I wish that were the case; I wish we could relegate all our heaviest grieving to specific days of the year. It would certainly be more efficient. Instead, I know that I have some friends who will understand perfectly when I call them to say that the entire world feels heavy, that I’ve been crying for reasons I can’t quite explain other than that I am alive and Aaron is not, and the reality of that happened to hit me in the deodorant aisle, when I spotted Aaron’s favorite antiperspirant. I bought a stick for myself, so that my armpits and his armpits would be forever connected.
In 2017, Lady Gaga released her Joanne album, named for an aunt who died before she was even born. The titular song is 100 percent guaranteed to make you cry, and it’s written about someone Lady Gaga never even met. In her Netflix documentary, Gaga: Five Foot Two, she plays the song for her grandmother and bawls uncontrollably. Her grandmother listens to the song, watches Gaga weep, and thanks her for the song. She does not shed a tear. Their grief — even for the same person — is different. The roots of grief are boundless. They can reach back through generations. They are undeterred by time, space or any other law you try to apply to them.
The woman I met had lived far more of her life without that boyfriend than with him. Time had not healed that wound, and it never will.
A common adage is “time heals all wounds.” It is true physically, which I am grateful for because I am typing this while hoping the tip of my thumb fuses back together after an unfortunate kitchen accident involving me attempting to cook a potato. But it is not true mentally or emotionally. Time is cruel. Time reminds me of how long Aaron has been gone, which isn’t a comfort to me.
The woman I met for coffee had lived far more of her life without that boyfriend than she had with him. Her grandchildren were now the same age she’d been when she lost him. Time had not healed that wound, and it never will. If you’re still sad, that’s because it’s still real. They are still real. Time can change you, and it will. But it can’t change them, and it won’t.
And here’s some advice for the grief adjacent. For you, time marches on, steadily and reliably. A year is just a year. A day is just a day. You are not aware of the number of days it’s been since they took their last breath or said their last word. You’re not mentally calculating when the scales of time tip, and more of your life has been lived without them than was lived with them.
We do not move on from the dead people we love or the difficult situations we’ve lived through. We move forward, but we carry it all with us.
You may be tempted to tell the grieving to move on. After all, it’s been weeks. Years. Decades. Surely this cannot still be the topic of conversation. Surely, at this point, they must have moved on? Nope.
But, you may be thinking, “This person has gotten married again or had another baby! They have so many good things in their life, this one awful thing can’t possibly still be relevant … can it?”
We do not move on from the dead people we love or the difficult situations we’ve lived through. We move forward, but we carry it all with us. Some of it gets easier to bear, some of it will always feel Sisyphean. We live on, but we are not the same as we once were. This is not macabre or depressing or abnormal. We are shaped by the people we love, and we are shaped by their loss.
“Why are they still sad?” you may think. Because this is a sad thing, and always will be.
Excerpted from the new book The Hot Young Widows Club: Lessons on Survival from the Front Lines of Grief by Nora McInerny. Reprinted with permission from TED Books/Simon & Schuster. © 2019 Nora McInerny.
Nora McInerny has a lot of jobs. She is the reluctant cofounder of the Hot Young Widows Club (a program of her nonprofit, Still Kickin), the bestselling author of the memoirs “It’s Okay To Laugh”, “Crying Is Cool Too”, and “No Happy Endings” and the host of the award-winning podcast “Terrible, Thanks for Asking.” McInerny is a master storyteller known for her dedication to bringing heart and levity to the difficult and uncomfortable conversations most of us try to avoid, and also for being very tall.
Melinda
We all hear the statistics, the horrific stories, and the number of innocent deaths. I thought I would take a different approach to Child Abuse Awareness.
The world children/teens live in today is crazy, addictive, and controlled by Social Media/friends. Preparing your child/teen for this world has to start early and can be done in a natural more conversational way.
All those “conversations” you would like to avoid can be easily taught through their activities. Kids are fighting and saying bad things to each other on TV, take a minute to mute the show and reinforce that behavior is not acceptable and we don’t act like that. Quick conversations, not ones that get them bored and waiting to watch the show. Those little conversations will build up in the kid’s mind.
While your teen watches the news or a TV program with you, look for opportunities to ease into a learning experience. If the story is about sexual assault and they are of the age to understand, open a conversation with some low-key questions but don’t bombard them, maybe 1-2 questions. Pick the right time to ask more, and keep it as a normal conversation and not an inquisition. There are so many questions to ask but you have to approach it naturally unless more is needed.
The one key to teaching children is that if you are smoking or drinking, and living in a violent home life Please don’t tell them not to do the same. You’ve already set an example.
I feel for all parents who are dealing with this crazy world of Social Media. Form a small group of mothers to discuss safety and security with, you can learn from each other.
Melinda
The family cookbook contains recipes, my Gramps & Granny used often and is the type of food I grew up on. Good ole Southern food like my Gramps dumplings, to Grannies pecan pie.
I’m writing this recipe like Granny did and including a photo of it at the end.
2 cups granulated sugar
2 tbsp White Karo Syrup
1/2 teaspoon Vanilla
2 egg whites
1/2 cup water
Cook sugar, water, and syrup until it spins a 6-8 inch thread. Beat egg whites until stiff, pour hot mixture into the egg whites slowly. Beating all the while by hand. Beat until icing stands in stiff peaks. Stir in Vanilla and spread on cake.
Melinda
Instead of celebrating why don’t we get productive in helping the earth.
There are a million ways, including the smallest step you can take and pay attention to what you buy.
Our Earth has sustained so much damage over time and it appears to be at a crisis level. Please look for all the ways to can recycle in your area.
Melinda
When I wrote about Data Breaches and Identity Theft in the past I never dreamed it would happen to me. These breaches are happening every day and our identity is at risk if enough personal information is released.
I’ve received many of these letters as I’m sure you have to, they are getting more sophisticated and you must know what exact information was released. In the past companies were pretty vague about what data is missing but I think the laws may have changed.
The letters that followed included what type of information was taken which is essential.
Two weeks ago I received a letter from Orsini Pharmaceuticals that all of my private information was involved in the breach! Wow, I a waiting target for Identify Theft. If I had not read the fine print my life could have been ruined by Identity theft.
I have spent hours every day since receiving the letter alerting the necessary companies, changing every password, some I had to change my user name as well. I will look over my shoulder from now on.
I haven’t heard of this company and after a visit to their website, it was clear I had not taken any of their medications. WTF! Why did they have my info in the first place? Did someone share it with them or did they buy the list?
I started reading the press releases about the breach and found that the breach happened three months ago but I’m just hearing about it. Interestingly many people were offered 1-2 years paid protection but I wasn’t. Lawsuits are flying in every direction, that is a thought for another day.
My plan is to write Tom Cappetta, Vice President, Pharmacy Operations, and ask him several questions, most importantly why they had my information. It’s a question I deserve to know yet will not get an answer on. I’m also asking for 2 years of total protection.
We’ll see where the letter takes me.
Melinda
lookingforthelight.blog 