*Updated* My Dementia & Suicide

I want to thank my blogging friend Willow Dot for reminding me about this post. She gave me the ultimate compliment in that she remembered this post, one that I had forgotten about. Yes, I have Conative Impairment but her words meant I touched one person even years later. I accomplished my blogging goal! I’m not sappy here, just allowing myself to accept a compliment instead of turning away. Be sure to check out her site, she will keep you on your toes in the best way.

The reason for the update is to share how my thought process has changed since 2019 when I was first diagnosed with Stage 3 Chronic Kidney Disease.

I’ve learned that people with Stage 3 Kidney Diseases can live many years, some upwards of 15 years. Wow! That is a huge relief.

I mentioned my rating of 17 on the MMSE but didn’t provide what the rating was based on.

What is the MMSE?

Mini-Mental State Exam (MMSE) Alzheimer’s / Dementia Test: Administration, Accuracy and Scoring

The test is used by several types of doctors as a first step to finding the proper diagnosis of your Cognitive Impairment. My doctor was a Neurologist whom I was referred to during my struggle with Chronic Lyme Disease. I was not able to take the next step in diagnosing because I couldn’t have an MRI which meant my doctor had to get preauthorization from my insurance company for a PET Scan. My Insurance denied my claim but I don’t need a confirmed diagnosis, all I have to do is look at my daily life struggles.

Copy of MMSE Test provided by Boston Medical College.

This test is a great printout that can help you assess and understand when it’s time to seek help.

My Suicide plan hasn’t changed but I have hope that it’s way down the line.

Have an awesome day.

Melinda

References:

Click to access Modified-Mini-Mental-Exam-MMSE.pdf

https://willowdot21.wordpress.com

 

 

Second Stage Dementia

As dementia progresses, the symptoms first experienced in the early stages of the dementia generally worsen. The rate of decline is different for each person. A person with moderate dementia scores between 6–17 on the MMSE. For example, people with Alzheimer’s dementia in the moderate stages lose almost all new information very quickly. People with dementia may be severely impaired in solving problems, and their social judgment is usually also impaired. They cannot usually function outside their own home, and generally should not be left alone. They may be able to do simple chores around the house but not much else, and begin to require assistance for personal care and hygiene other than simple reminders.^[11]

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I’m in Second Stage Dementia, a 17 on the MMSE and I’m going to kill myself. There’s no emotion in my voice, my husband, my Therapist, and my Psychiatrist know. I don’t want to die and that is why picking the right time is so important. I won’t lie wasting away not knowing anyone, unable to speak or eat. Someone has to bathe you and change your bed several times a day, it’s gut-wrenching to watch someone you love die this way.  

I cared for my Granny, the second stroke is where she started losing touch. She would say “Why did Gramps leave me at this house.” I took photos off the wall to assure her he went to get groceries, she was lost in a terrible reality. She would bang her head against the wall and scream she wanted to die. My Granny got so violent I had to medicate her and that was the last time my Gramps could leave the house until her death. 

My Dementia was caused by Lyme Disease, the Spirochetes used my brain as a host. I’m in the second stage and it’s difficult already. It’s not just the words forgotten, it’s the time’s per day forgotten. I talked with my husband last night but have no idea what we talked about. Many times the words don’t come. Maybe you’ve noticed? I try to tell myself it’s freeing to not worry about the date or day of the week, it’s sad cover.

Melinda