The family cookbook contains recipes, my Gramps & Granny used often and is the type of food I grew up on. Good ole Southern food like my Gramps dumplings, to Grannies pecan pie.
I looked back at my very first post written as a blogger, the site was different, it was called Defining Memories but I have since published on Look for the Light. I started Defining Memories in 2005 to help me mourn my Granny. It was a very dark time and writing was the perfect outlet.
I hope reading this post is as cathartic for you as it has been for me. The subject matter has changed since 2005 but the feeling and release it gives me is the same.
Thank you so much for reading and following me on my journey.
Being a caregiver to a dying loved one can leave you drained of emotion, exhausted, and frustrated. All perfectly normal feelings. I felt a quilt mixed in my bowl of emotions. I grew up knowing my grandparents wanted to die at home. I would grant the wish if possible. They inspired me, saved me from abuse, and blessed me with unconditional love.
Helping my gramps when making difficult life decisions, while working hard to remember she is my Granny. There were uncomfortable conversations, articulate to doctors how she is progressing and butt heads with family members. I ran a tight ship and had no problem telling people it was time to leave, and not allowing people over every day. God blessed me with the ability to turn my depression down and step up to the next level. Love for my Granny drove my decision to give her an extra morphine stick. She died in my hands while I kissed her goodbye.
As our population ages, the number of caregivers increases. It can seem overwhelming at times. If you don’t have a blog I would suggest checking out, it gave me an outlet. Caregivers choose to open their hearts to emotional and physical challenges.
Dementia-Induced Thoughts Of Suicide
Today I used one of four “in case of emergency” pills to keep my Granny from hurting herself during a dementia-related meltdown brought on by my Gramps going to the grocery store. She’s had many of these episodes since her stroke almost two years ago. Today I saw the beginning of the end in her face. As I look at the three pills in the bottle, I try to accept that we will need to “ease” the trauma more times before her memory is gone.
Her stroke caused dementia, and at 84 she continues to slide downhill. The meds do a good job of controlling the anger and aggression but on days like today, nothing short of a miracle works. I had to reach for “the emergency” stash and this sank in as I watched her doze off from the effects.
Today she did not recognize her own home and thought my Gramps abandoned her in somebody else’s house while going to the grocery store. She became enraged and very self-destructive by hitting herself in the head while saying that she would rather be dead than be left “here” by herself. I tried to calm her as I always do but today nothing worked. I tried to get her to focus on what I was saying but it was too late, she was lost in her painful reality. It was a very hard choice but a drug-induced calm over self-inflicted harm is the right thing to do.
While waiting for the drug to work I showed her photos of her and my grandfather from 24 years ago, a photo of my father on a pony when he was a child, and many others I took off the walls to see if she could connect to anything. She recognized my dad but several other family members were a blur. It was so painful to watch her lose touch, it ripped my heart out.
Those four pills were the “holy grail” and they took me back to the night of her stroke when Gramps went home to try to nap and she got upset that he was not there. It took six of us to hold down an 82-year-old who barely weighed 100 lbs. Her aggression reached a point where she needed restraining. Her arms were tied to the bed yet she managed to fight. I used all of my weight to hold her down to the bed, yelling at the nurse where the hell was a shot to knock her out. The nurse did not articulate to the doctor the situation’s urgency so he did not approve a sedative. I told her if she could not articulate the need, she would pass the phone to me. I would get the message across. The doctor ordered a sedative.
Watching her lose touch with reality is like seeing your child get hit by a car in slow motion and not being able to get a word out. I’m thankful for the time we spent together no matter how painful. I focus on the good moments and do not hold on to difficult days like this.
The family cookbook contains recipes, my Gramps & Granny used often and is the type of food I grew up on. Good ole Southern food like my Gramps dumplings, to Grannies pecan pie.
This recipe is a keeper! My brother and I would beg Granny to make it.
What You Need
1 can condensed milk
1 cup chocolate chips
1 cup peanut chips
2 cups tiny marshmallows
2 cups chopped nuts
How To Make
Stir and melt chips and milk over medium heat, don’t scorch
Stir all the time and fold in marshmallows and nuts
The family cookbook contains recipes, my Gramps & Granny used often and is the type of food I grew up on. Good ole Southern food like my Gramps dumplings, to Grannies pecan pie.
Another winner from my Granny, she’s the cake and candy chef.
What You Need
1 1/2 cup sugar
1/4 ts salt
6 tbsp flour
2 cups milk
2 egg yolks
2 heaping TB of cocoa
1 ts vanilla
1 unbaked pie crust
How To Make
Mix sugar, flour, cocoa, and salt together and mix well
Add milk and eggs
Blend in cocoa
Add milk and stir well
Beat eggs and add to the mixture
Stir the mixture slowly and stir the whole time until it gets thicks
I wasn’t interested in reading until my boarding school counselor gave me several books to read including Man Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. The book is a game changer.
The book was given to me at 13 years old and what sticks in my mind is how he survived the Holocaust Concentration Camps. He is a very strong man and is a great example of how we can take control of our lives.
These shower steamers are great for self-care and make great gifts. I’ve looked on Amazon and was surprised by how expensive Steamers are. Treat yourself and friends and family with the steamers.
Add all the dry ingredients to a large, non-metallic bowl and whisk until blended. Drop the essential oils on the dry ingredients, and stir to combine. The essential oils can create droplets, which will dissolve in the following step.
Spray the mixture with a little water and incorporate it immediately to avoid a reaction. If you don’t have a spray bottle, sprinkle water on the mixture using a teaspoon.
When kneading the mixture, put on nitrile gloves to protect your hands as the citric acid can irritate sensitive skin and nail polish. The mixture should feel like damp sand and be wet enough to hold its shape when pressed together. If using colored mica and dried herbs or flowers, add them to the mixture.
Fill the silicone mold with the mixture, and press firmly into the mold using your fingertips, paying attention to the edges. Let the mixture dry for 24-48 hours. Shower steamers can be affected by the humidity; in a humid environment, the drying time may be longer. When they feel hard and solid, carefully peel back the mold and gently pop out of the disk. Store the steamers in an airtight container or jar, and ensure that the steamers aren’t exposed to water or moisture. The shelf life is one year.
Before use, let warm water run for several minutes to moisturize the air. It’s best to remove the steamer from the running water and the drain. Ideally, only the bottom of the tabs should be wet. You can also put a shower steamer in a soap dish. Breathe in deeply as the essential oils vaporize.
These are the all-around self-care gifts. Make a huge batch and then you have some for gifts. Don’t forget your self-care, save some for yourself.
The family cookbook contains recipes, my Gramps & Granny used often and is the type of food I grew up on. Good ole Southern food like my Gramps dumplings, to Grannies pecan pie.
This is Gramps’ favorite, he loved them so much he carried the recipe in his wallet. My brother learned from Gramps and was much better at making them.
What You Need
1 1/2 cups white flour
1/2 ts baking powder
1/4 ts salt
1/4 cup shortening
How To Make
Sift flour, baking, and salt together
Crumble in the shortening with your fingers
Add just enough milk to make a very stiff dough
Using a spoon to mix
Roll out the dough on a well-floured board until it’s very thin
Cut 1/8 thick
Cut into strips and lay into 3-quart post-medium chicken
In this fast-paced social media world, it can be difficult to find the time to look within or back in time. I hope you find these quotes and questions interesting. So glad you stopped by today!
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Looking for the Light 
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