Light at end of road.

Light at end of tunnel

At nine years old my brother was my buddy. If someone was my brothers friend, they were mine. I was a tomboy and all my girlfriends lived to far away to play after school. Our gang of misfits would walk the creek nearby, play football, ride bikes, the normal kid activities.

Walking home from school I noticed a couple of friends. One invited me in to the house, he had  something to show me. Several other guys were in foyer. I didn’t think anything about the numbers of people there, I just wanted to see what he had. He already owned a crocodile, I was thinking what can top that.

Before I could blink, guys were holding me down, ripping my clothes off,  being choked. Every one violated me. I was crying and screaming for help as they choked and hit me. I cried as they touched and hurt me. Begging to let me go, when I was let go my mind was whirling, confused and body in pain. At nine years old I didn’t know about rape. I knew what they did was wrong. I had no one to tell.

I aged a couple of years and realized that was gang rape. I was not a willing participant and not allowed to leave. I was held down, clothes ripping off, touching and kissing me. Each one put their fingers inside me, forced their penis down my throat. Every violation except forcing their penis in my vagina.

I’ve been raped since, I know what rape is. These were distant memories, never entering my thoughts. Until I read a post triggering the memories and pain. I was also angry. How could someone write an article suggesting unless the man’s penis entered the vagina/anus, it was not considered rape. This ripped my guts out and dismissed me as woman.

I’ve never spoken about that day. I’m telling you.

I have spent months thinking about the right thing to do, what’s the best for me or let the memories fade in time. Memories triggered in my hidden soul. I feel strongly telling my story is the right decision. The post may help someone, maybe a mother or father. Possibly give a nine-year old somewhere to go. With the resources available today, you always have somewhere to go.

My goal is to help rape survivors, especially young boys and girls unsure what to do. Rush home and tell a parent if possible. If your family would not understand, go to Police department or hospital. After a doctor checks you for injuries. One of the most important calls is to a Rape Support Center. Most are able to help you work thru fears, anger, the emotional and physical  pain. This is a short list of Support Centers, there are several national in other states for support.

Every state has a document which outlines what is considered rape.

SafeHorizon.org 24 hours live hotline is 866-689-4357. Dedicated Rape and Sexual Assault Programs.

RAINN.org  (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) Free Online Support and  confidential and secure hotline 800-656-4673.

Please don’t wait 43 years to tell your story.

XO Melinda

22 Comments on “When Does RAPE Become RAPE? *You Might Be Surprised*

  1. I am so sad to hear this. Your innocence was ripped from you, and you were just a baby. I know that must have changed your world forever. I’m glad you finally told. It took me 45 years to tell my therapist about my first violent rape, but I was 16, not 9, and it wasn’t a gang rape. I can’t even begin to imagine the total confusion, as well as shame, that must have caused. You walked in that door an innocent child, you staggered out beaten, violated, broken. I once saw a boy grab up a frog out of a pond and squeeze it to make its mouth open. Then he put his cigarette out in the poor frog’s mouth. That’s what your experience made me think of. (That boy tried to rape me but I ran away after seeing what he did to the frog.)

    I don’t know what it would take to stop rape from happening. For a while I thought we should castrate all males and perfect parthenogenesis, make the males our docile servants. After a generation there would be no more males born. But that’s a fantasy, I know. What I don’t know is, how do we stop them?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for the kind words my friend. My life was shit from birth and it’s sobering I’ve survived. So many years I had no will to live. When everyone around you is an abuser and other abuse happens, there was no need for me to tell my mother. She was my main abuser. I would have been a slut somehow.
      What I know friend, I’ve been thru hell and still fighting!
      You baby is beautiful.
      🙂
      Melinda

      Like

      • Ugh. I felt it was important for my father to know before he died what happened to me after my mother forced me out of the house. He had asked me several times but I couldn’t tell him. So one Friday night when I had made them dinner, I started to tell them, but my mother started screaming at me so I stopped, and then of course she sent me one of her poison pen letters, How could I upset a sick old man, etc. So when she wasn’t around my dad and I talked about the whole thing, and he died better, knowing. But she, the abuser, turned it around on me so I’m the slut, of course. Well, she’s such a narcissist she will never take any responsibility, so I am now Minimal Contact with her, would be No Contact except she’s got some of my possessions that I want back. I know you’re not supposed to subject yourself to a narc for the sake of possessions, but for me, I refuse to let her take more of my life from me than she already has.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope this will help others feel like they can open up too. This is something that you should never have had to face, and at nine years old??? I am so sorry Melinda… I don’t even know what to say… this is just one of the worst things that I have ever heard. I hope that by sharing this, that some emotional healing can now take place. Nobody should ever have to go through something like this. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh, 9 years old, and all that held in? So horrific, and I am so sorry you suffered such heinous crimes.
    Words used to describe attacks to women are often the wrong words, made to sound less than what they really are, as if barely much of anything at all. I describe each touch by a brother as an attack, because that’s what it was. Words matter a great deal.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It hurts my heart to read this, M, it is truly horrific that things like this happen to innocent children. I can only imagine the pain and confusion, and also, how hard this must have been to discuss, even here. I can only hope it was healing to let this stuff out of you, and be of service to other victims with your thoughtful words.

    Many hugs to you. 💕 A tearful Van.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Van
      Thank you for the kind words. The memories brought pain long buried. I’m healed now. The blessing is one person relating to my candor and have the strength to get help.
      I’ve moved on to writing another dark time in life. I was stalked for years. I rarely hear about stalking until someone is dead. It has to change, to many college and young women are at risk. I look at what I’ve written about the pain in my life and it’s truly amazing I’m alive and not full of hatred.
      I hope you have a full weekend of fun. I’m working on my music for tomorrow, it’s different but all love in the words.
      🙂
      M

      Liked by 1 person

  5. What a terrible cross to bear for so many years!

    It’s so important for children to know where they can go and what they can do to secure help.

    Today, we understand that rape takes many different forms. A rapist will draw on any number of tools to undermine sexual consent. What you experienced was a violent violation of your body. Children are violated, however, even when they offer “consent,” because they are not at a stage of mental maturity in which their consent is valid. They are easily manipulated, drugged and tricked into sex acts. It’s all rape even when state penal codes calls it something else like sexual misconduct, sexual battery, sexual assault, etc.

    Thank God that we now have the internet, and can spread awareness in many ways.

    I sincerely hope you can now stand a bit taller without the weight of that terrible secret weighing you down, and by knowing your words can help others avoid or recover from similar experiences.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for leaving your kind words. I’m with you on the State penal codes, rape, violation, whatever it’s called is a serious crime. For many young people the emotional state is effected much worse.
      Have a great day.
      M

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Wow Twin… I’m really angry now… I would try to remember the name of those boys, look for them on Facebook and send some messages to them so everyone knows the kind of people they are.
    hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thanks for sharing the information letting others know where to go for help if they have been raped.

    Telling my parents did absolutely NO good considering my rapist was my father! He was abusive to my mother as well. She is still with him for some ungodly reason.

    Liked by 1 person

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