My father committed suicide in 1992 at 52 years old. After his death I questioned if I would reach 52. It’s not that I loved and missed my father, he sexually abused me. The thoughts were tied to deep depression and helping my grandmother grieve. Β In time the thoughts faded away until Christmas night. I don’t drink but do suffer from Chronic Lyme Disease which creates extreme pain.

I was sitting on the couch looking at the tree when thoughts of being 52 and my father’s death at 52 resurfaced. Several thoughts overwhelmed me, the most comforting was I made it to 52 years old. My father was Bipolar, suffering until the end. His mental illness and death pushed me to look in the mirror at my lifelong depression. The search for a doctor who knew how to manage Bipolar took seeing several doctors.

The memories will fade with no reason to return. I rarely look back at my life or worry about my age. Living till 52 years old haunted me. 2016 is open for me to shape, improve and focus on getting well.

Thank you for reading. If someone is suffering, please reach out for help.

Xx M

22 Comments on “My Reaction to Faded Memories *Death Haunts Me*

  1. That’s a heavy thing to live with. Sexual abuse is so confusing to the victim, because here is this person who is supposed to love and protect you, who is doing these awful things, and yet they are still the person who…And then to have them suicide, and you are supposed to hate them because of what they did to you, and you do hate them, but still…And you wonder, how long will I make it? Well, still being alive is a positive sign.

    Sending you blessings for feeling better this year and every year!

    Love, Laura

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can relate to some of what you are feeling, M. I lost my mother when she was 53, grandmother at 58, the two women I was closest to; and it left me wondering if I’d ever make it to 60 myself. I was delightfully surprised when I did. It was like starting over for me. Wishing you a great 2016. Hugs. πŸ’–

    Liked by 1 person

  3. May all your coming days be happy and may you forget all bad memories..
    You are a strong positive person who helps people..
    Happy new year!


    • Hello my friend
      Your last post sounded like you are mood is up and down during the day. It’s a bad place to be,to high is not good nor is going straight down hell.
      It took years for me to see my mood was changing several times day. It sucks I know. Have an open mind, leave what you think you know behind. Always ask doctor how to spell the name, generics are different depending on each.
      In a perfect world we world, we would know the drugs and time check for side effect and any recall or warning on the product
      I’m hoping some of the information helps.
      Have a good change in 2016.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes I’m all over the place right now. Have been for much of last year. Just come off venlafaxine so only thing I’m taking is lithium. Doc wants to take me off lithium – I refuse. I see him in a weeks time to sort out the rapid-rapid cycling. I’m always grateful for your input πŸ™‚


I want to hear your thoughts. I can take it!

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: