Do you know me at all?

10th Grade Journalism
10th Grade Journalism

Original post 3/2014

It’s been an emotional month with thoughts of my father’s suicide and writing about him for the first time. I never grieved my father, the emotions caught me by surprise. It’s been very confusing because my father was one of my abusers. I am having health issues which is stressful. The Black Dog has come to see me. I have seen a Neurologist for three months, having test after test with no answers. This weeks appointment was no different, no diagnosis. I understand there is not always a clean answer. Three years ago I started down a similar path looking for answers to my heart issues. It was an extremely stressful two years looking for an answer. I laid my folder aside to give thought to my next step. At the moment I’m thinking of doing nothing. I have spent 9 years out of 13 years taking care of my grandparents until their death. Months after my grandfather died, I became suicidal and spent close to a month hospitalized. I want to know who am I now. I would give everything for my grandparents and trying to stay alive. My husband thinks I worked so hard for so long my body crashed. My mind did to. I can’t think about doctor’s appointments week after week. I want to live! I’m 50, the slate is clean. I’m ready to find me. I haven’t had my hair cut in 8 months, rarely leave the house and could not tell you for a million dollars the last time we ate out. Those were my decisions, my husband is extremely supportive. Everyday he comes home amazes me. Life with me is not easy. I have abuse issues and Bipolar Disorder. I don’t smile much anymore, just realized while writing this. I want to move forward rebuilding my life. I want to smile and take time to smell the roses with my camera. I wore the same mask in 10th grade. The difference is I was an alcoholic. It was easier to hide behind a bottle. I could always blame my behavior on being drunk.


  1. I think my journey started so long ago it gave me coping skills. If not depressed, I can see things pretty clearly. None of the skills would be possible without the love of my grandparents. I also have a Therapist I’ve seen for 15 years and she is a big help. As you know it’s day by day. Thanks for reading my blog.


  2. It does sound like your body crashed…time to rebuild. It could need something as simple as vitamin D or iron…I didn’t believe those simple things would matter, but they did…I also learned a bit about “compassion fatigue”, which is common for caregivers-also called “vicarious trauma”. You have been through a lot..


    1. When the two people who love you unconditionally are sick and dying you do everything possible to be at their side until the end. There is no doubt I had caregivers fatigue. I didn’t get to breath before going into a dark depression. I keep getting challenges just as I think life is getting normal. Now starting another search for health issue and don’t have the energy right now. Thanks for your feedback. I keep telling myself God is giving more strength with each challenge.


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.