Do you know me at all?

10th Grade Journalism

10th Grade Journalism

Original post 3/2014

It’s been an emotional month with thoughts of my father’s suicide and writing about him for the first time. I never grieved my father, the emotions caught me by surprise. It’s been very confusing because my father was one of my abusers. I am having health issues which is stressful. The Black Dog has come to see me. I have seen a Neurologist for three months, having test after test with no answers. This weeks appointment was no different, no diagnosis. I understand there is not always a clean answer. Three years ago I started down a similar path looking for answers to my heart issues. It was an extremely stressful two years looking for an answer. I laid my folder aside to give thought to my next step. At the moment I’m thinking of doing nothing. I have spent 9 years out of 13 years taking care of my grandparents until their death. Months after my grandfather died, I became suicidal and spent close to a month hospitalized. I want to know who am I now. I would give everything for my grandparents and trying to stay alive. My husband thinks I worked so hard for so long my body crashed. My mind did to. I can’t think about doctor’s appointments week after week. I want to live! I’m 50, the slate is clean. I’m ready to find me. I haven’t had my hair cut in 8 months, rarely leave the house and could not tell you for a million dollars the last time we ate out. Those were my decisions, my husband is extremely supportive. Everyday he comes home amazes me. Life with me is not easy. I have abuse issues and Bipolar Disorder. I don’t smile much anymore, just realized while writing this. I want to move forward rebuilding my life. I want to smile and take time to smell the roses with my camera. I wore the same mask in 10th grade. The difference is I was an alcoholic. It was easier to hide behind a bottle. I could always blame my behavior on being drunk.

4 Comments »

  1. I think my journey started so long ago it gave me coping skills. If not depressed, I can see things pretty clearly. None of the skills would be possible without the love of my grandparents. I also have a Therapist I’ve seen for 15 years and she is a big help. As you know it’s day by day. Thanks for reading my blog.

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  2. It does sound like your body crashed…time to rebuild. It could need something as simple as vitamin D or iron…I didn’t believe those simple things would matter, but they did…I also learned a bit about “compassion fatigue”, which is common for caregivers-also called “vicarious trauma”. You have been through a lot..

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    • When the two people who love you unconditionally are sick and dying you do everything possible to be at their side until the end. There is no doubt I had caregivers fatigue. I didn’t get to breath before going into a dark depression. I keep getting challenges just as I think life is getting normal. Now starting another search for health issue and don’t have the energy right now. Thanks for your feedback. I keep telling myself God is giving more strength with each challenge.

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