Withdraw: The Scattered Mind

Xanax is an anchor drug in my medication combo for treating Anxiety/Bipolar Disorder. I’ve taken Xanax for 15 years, it works miracles in keeping me grounded. Working quickly is an advantage with little to no side effects, EXCEPT ADDICTION. The downside side is addiction happens quickly after starting. For me withdraw starts on second day, by fourth day I look like a street addict who would sell my soul for a pill.

The emotional and physical breakdown took me to hell. My deep secrets/scars laughed and taunted me.

Med Schedule

Med Schedule

Med Schedule #2

Med Schedule #2








Here are some of the delusions I experienced.

Learned a new language

Surviving in the desert like Jesus

Discovered potential link for Postpartum Depression

In touch with my families Indian blood

Could feel natural body rhythm

Felt small earthquake

Saw Bobcat tracks on front tree

Started writing Country songs

Tweeting Gwen Stefani, Blake Shelton and Pharrell, talked to Gwen and Blake several times, Pharrell retwetted twice. I was flooded with people wanting to follow me after seeing tweets from Gwen. I was overwhelmed.

Locked all computers down, trying to keep myself from writing.

These are some of the out of control thoughts running through my head non-stop

The physical pain is unbearable

Anger, pain, begging God to stop kicking me in stomach, wailing, screaming, throwing up, four days without food.

Having  to transition back one medication a day at a time

Delayed Lyme protocol by a week, reschedule trip to DC by a month

More damage to areas already injured

Strain on marriage

Xanax is a standard drug and withdraw doesn’t cross my mind. I kept some pills in my purse, pills in my office and the remaining pills went into master pill caddy. The trouble is not keeping up with how many total pills you’ve taken. I take several addictive medications for my mental illness and 4-5 addictive medications for Lyme treatment.

I am in pain 24/7 and resisted taking pain medication instead trying  to cover pain with Xanax. Two Xanax and I’m asleep a good 4-6 hours without pain. The Lyme protocol called for 4-5 addictive medications but they rarely put me to sleep. It worked the opposite and I would stay awake 2-3 days at a time which made my pain even worse.

Now all medications stay in bottle or main pill case. Photos are daily log of meds taken that day.

Don’t go thru the pain of withdraw, stay on top of how many days worth you have at all times.

Xx  M


  1. I go through this with Clonopin. One of the reasons I take Clonopin is the long half-life but it’s just as addicting as Xanax. I have an alternate that dislikes the medications and tosses them out. When this happens I withdraw from the Clonopin and live with the re-bound anxiety. The agoraphobia fully returns after five days. It’s miserable to need these medications because no one wants to be accused of ‘pill seeking’ by the professionals who are supposed to have some grasp of what they’re treating. You’re in my thoughts.


    • I’m running over everyone on Twitter? Wow! 6 to 8 tweets at a time!

      I’m especially triggered right now.

      White Supremacists, the Confederate flag, blatant racism, blatant homophobia, and bigots who feel entitled to destroy the lives of the people they irrationally hate were constant features of my childhood. A part of me is enraged by the shameless lies of Fox News and other right wing media outlets.

      The Neighborhood is a wonderful collaborative and the competitions that Kendall produces are great opportunities for artists to sharpen their skills but one must be well enough to work under a deadline. I’m not able to participate as much this year because I’m very symptomatic.


      • I thought you may be switching, it’s not always noticeable to me. You old think Bipolor, DID, BPD would look similar but I have a lot to learn. I’ve been round people itch Schitiphena, but can’t say I know that much. I have had a couple of extended stays in a Psychiatric Hospital, that’s my go to so I don’t kill myself. I have ideas by your post and art work but every person is so different. With all the post and retweets you’ve done in past two weeks I wondered but try hard not ask questions. I still have not read the story of your life beyond the first post. There a questions in my head but I plan to read the story. When and if my brain comes back. The site,looks very different when your not there, you write about a wide range of topics, I admit to not only loving your post, your artist ability is amazing.
        See you soon

        Liked by 1 person

      • Good morning
        I’m so glad we had a chance to talk let night, it’s not often we find each other at the same place same time. I think about you everyday, your so busy I don’t want to be that extra email.
        Take it easy this weekend. You’ve been pushing yourself so hard. Do something special for you or you and husband.


    • Hi Madeline
      Thank you for the kindest words. I’m starting to feel like my old self. My husband came up with a medication management system for my addictive drugs. A hassle but I never want to go thru an unnecessary withdraw. Sounds like you have been there, know someone who has or have a huge heart to share. You made my day, withdraw doesn’t end the minute you take your first pill.
      Have a great day.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Hi my friend
      It was a rough experience, not something I would wish on anyone. People who have a chronic illness may face the same issue. When you take so many addictive drugs it is a wreck waiting to happen.
      I have most of the questions ready, send over after taking a look at cookbook!

      Liked by 1 person

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