The post is from the archives, written in 19XX and cleaned a bit. I’m depressed today partly due to exhaustion from Restless Leg which returned three weeks ago, doesn’t help my mood. Chronic Lyme Disease took my memory, stress, pain, and on and on. My brain gave parts of it back with holes, today it’s gone again. I’m rambling….the reason? I’m lost again and used the WordPress Copy a Post Function for first time. I can’t tell you the year it was written or if the WordPress Copy Function and my brain are on the same page.
I love to travel, my goal is to see the world. Bipolar Disorder can dictate your life. The high side, is dangerous for me. Life is great, who needs sleep? Not recognizing my Hyper-Mania can make it possible. The titter totter of Bipolar is balance. One side can suffocate you in hell, other side is suffocating without you knowing there is always a fall.
I was an Executive Sales person, number one in the company and making big bucks, I felt so lucky the Hyper-Mania stayed for 10 years. Looking back at the scars remember the higher you go the harder you fall. I lived in hell, thought I can cover this up, when I fell it was like dominoes tipping the next.
I went to Russia by myself, traveled with my friends to France and the Caribbean, a girl trip several times a year. My doctor told me the higher you go the harder you fall. I didn’t want to give up the person I was.
The fall began slowly. I got fired from my job, blew though my savings, we’re talking half million and filled for bankruptcy. Did I mention a divorce and building a new house. I lost everything.
What I lost was not worth the high. All the negative thoughts came back. My life is not as exciting, anxiety kept me in the house. Most days didn’t get of bed, used every excuse to cover my absents.
I’ve been suicidal many times, leading me to Psychiatric Hospital to save myself. Having 20 ECT treatments in the past 10 years is not an achievement. A Vagus Nerve Stimulator was implanted in my chest. I thought the newly approved FDA device was my chance, leave my world behind. Well no.
The thing about research is moving forward. The brain doesn’t have a road map, navigation center, or instruction manual. Medicine and technology will take us closer to managing our lives.
My husband understands as most of what he’s seen. The brain is a fascinating question mark?