The post is from the archives, written in 19XX, and cleaned a bit. I’m depressed today partly due to exhaustion from Restless Leg which returned three weeks ago, which doesn’t help my mood. Chronic Lyme Disease took my memory, stress, pain, and on and on. My brain gave parts of it back with holes, today it’s gone again. I’m rambling….the reason? I’m lost again and used the WordPress Copy a Post Function for the first time. I can’t tell you the year it was written or if the WordPress Copy Function and my brain are on the same page.
I love to travel, and my goal is to see the world. Bipolar Disorder can dictate your life. The high side is dangerous for me. Life is great, who needs sleep? Not recognizing my Hypo-Mania can make it possible. The titter totter of Bipolar is balance. One side can suffocate you in hell, the other side is suffocating without you knowing there is always a fall.
I was an Executive Sales person, number one in the company, and making big bucks, I felt so lucky that Hypo-Mania stayed for 10 years. Looking back at the scars remember the higher you go the harder you fall. I lived in hell, thought I can cover this up, when I fell it was like dominoes tipping the next.
I went to Russia by myself, traveled with my friends to France and the Caribbean, a girl trip several times a year. My doctor told me the higher you go the harder you fall. I didn’t want to give up the person I was.
The fall began slowly. I got fired from my job, blew though my savings, we’re talking half million and filled for bankruptcy. Did I mention a divorce and building a new house. I lost everything.
What I lost was not worth the high. All the negative thoughts came back. My life is not as exciting, anxiety kept me in the house. Most days didn’t get of bed, used every excuse to cover my absents.
I’ve been suicidal many times, leading me to Psychiatric Hospital to save myself. Having 20 ECT treatments in the past 10 years is not an achievement. A Vagus Nerve Stimulator was implanted in my chest. I thought the newly approved FDA device was my chance, to leave my world behind. Well no.
The thing about research is moving forward. The brain doesn’t have a road map, navigation center, or instruction manual. Medicine and technology will take us closer to managing our lives.
My husband understands most of what he’s seen. The brain is a fascinating question mark?
Warrior
lookingforthelight.blog 
I used to envy the get up and go element of bipolar for that exact reason
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Yes! I did to until the bottom feel out. Luckily I was in my 30’s and time to bounce back. Now I am depressed, off balance. So much stress from being sick, everything piling up. I’ve been in the house for over two years. Now well enough going to all missed appoints because to ill, my body is broken and in a pity party. My brain is younger than my body. Chronic Lyme takes a hard toll on the health. Have a great day. M
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I wish it weren’t like this for you but everyone I know with chronic Lyme suffers so much more than most people realise.
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We take what life gives us and stay strong to get up again. Some of the doctors appointments have been shocking how bad my body is broken. The reason for my pity party. I look for the sun to come out tomorrow. 🙂 M
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Bi-Polar disorder definitely requires managing for consistency. I just experienced RLS for the first time, after surgery…I had no idea what it was- it was awful! Luckily, it didn’t last for many days, and hasn’t returned since. I am glad you got to travel and experience all that you did…your experiences made you who you are!❤️
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It’s been three weeks now, I broke down and paged my doctor. He’s brilliant. He said it’s this drug, stop taking, it will take 2-3 to get out of system and we can go from there. It’s so strange, I took the med for 10+ years. Lyme has taken so much out of me that everything that once worked doesn’t now. It’s like when we were first trying med after med to get the titter totter balanced. I to over 40 drugs or mixes of drugs. My body responds so different now. I’m in the process of building a team of doctors here who can mange the different aspects of Lyme with mental illness and kiss my doctor in DC to the curb. I know a lot about drugs because I’ve taken so many. My memory has to the point of Dementia. In his great wisdom, he prescribed two drugs that may slow down the loss. The ass didn’t look at my chart, a med student would do that. He prescribed a med in the same category as on I take. I became Psychotic for a week, almost went to jail, walked around neighbor hood in shirt and underwear because I got so scared my stalker was very close. He made most of his messages thru my iMessage. I taunted him to see if a bored person or wanted to hurt me. I was messaging him and wanted someone to see what was happening my phone so their was a record. Long story.
I looked on CVS crappy med interaction page, boom. He gave me a drug for Narcalepsy which is a stimulant and a different drug I take in the same category. It’s like one med was used in Vietnam because that’s all they had. New drugs come along just like today and still in same category just differ name and used more often. The ass sent a message saying they work differently in the brain, HA. Very little reading and I know my current med list was not looked at and he does’t no shit about med. I messaged back and explained how they work the same and the mistake was a grave error. No response. I can’t have Lyme trying to kill me and a damn doctor pushing me on the plank.
So I look forward to sleep since it was a side effect that hadn’t done that in the past. God keeps you learning, like it or not.
I’m rambling because I fell dead.
Hugs
M
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Meds can be great, but they have to be the right ones for sure! You really have to self advocate in life.
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YES!
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You have had some rough issues to work through, haven’t yo?. Sounds like you are on the way up, however. Be brave and continue to confront your problems. Show that you have become a winner and continue to win. And remember you can use your blogging friends for a sounding board. 😀
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Words I needed to hear. 🙂
M
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Reblogged this on Survivors Blog Here.
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I’m thrilled to hear you are moving forwards. Tell me I’m beautiful.
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I’m emailing you now for an explanation of what you’re saying.
M
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