Did Daddy know he was “Crazy”

My father committed suicide in 1992, put a shot-gun in his mouth. I was 28 years old, we were estranged since I was a teen. A trigger hit me like a hurricane this week. I’m having memories, not the worst.

You put the the pressure on my shoulders to arrange everything, who to call. I had to face the chore of the house, a man living out of touch for many years. Worst was going to morgue, hand me original note and his bloody shotgun.

Could you not see your friends were different? They were thieves but not in the same universe. They all took advantage of you, move in move out and steal what they want. One roommate committed suicide with your gun in your house. Down on their luck, will make payments on car, he was lucky to get three payments. He would have to track down and repo the car. They would come back begging and he would do it again.

His friends were people at the bar he parked cars at. All the ladies got special attention, my father walked the lot to make sure the cars were secure. They all flirted with him, fake flirting, trashy bar, easy women going to bar in the hood looking for love.

One night feeling the black dog, I went to the bar where my father parked cars. We played a game of pool, sitting at the bar he said you’re a queen, I said it’s easy to be the queen of scum. I felt dirty. I judged my father just like the company he kept.




  1. Too bad he left without making amends. But thank God you got your footing, wonderful husband and community to support you when in need as well as all time. Unfortunately we don’t get to choose our parents but find ourselves in their lives.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. That can’t be undone. And its always good to think of the bright side during such situations. Just like a coin, we do have two sides. The good and bad side.

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        1. You have so much wisdom. I hope to meet you one day, maybe down the road it will be safer for me. Did you think of a name for your Potpourri? Would you like some other citrus smells or musky smell with the Lavender? Tell me what smells you or your sister like and I’ll try to make it. Then I’ll send some to you.
          Do you say your name like ce ce or ch like chicken? I want to make sure I say it right. If I haven’t already told you my name is Melinda. πŸ™‚

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          1. That will be great Melinda. It depends some say it like cece while others like che, either of them is okay with me. And yes i too hope that I will one day get an opportunity to meet you. We have already meet halfway and it will icing on the cake to finally meet. I love lavender while my sister loves fruity ones

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          2. I’m making three flavors for the new store. For yours I like Wonderlust, lust can bring such wonder. Sounded good to me. Lavender and I’ll mix in some deeper fragrances to live up to the name. I have two others, one mostly pink and one is a mix of many fall colors. I could do fruity for you sister. You’ll have to pass along some name ideas. What type of florals, soft or strong? I learning mixology and it’s hard but I will make the best smells for all of us. I do have to sale the remaining on my site. πŸ™‚ I’m starting to get ideas of your fragrance. Hugs. We’ve met, we’ll meet and we’ll see each other again. God whispered in my ear.


          3. maybe a mix of lemongrass, rose, orange, a lily or iris smell. I’ll have to work on it. I have come up with yours and will start working on this week. If I can come up with right scent I do your sister’s to. I just thought about a gardenia or honeysuckle. You’ll have to give me her name and we have to name the potpourri. Maybe a tree with flowers that don’t grow here, her nick name, pass on some ideas. Have a great evening.

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          4. I thought she would like that. It came to me in the middle of the night. I was having trouble sleeping, our old dog is coming to the end and he kept me up. But he’s worth every minute. Have a great day. Going to hospital to have some test done before my surgery. Talk to you later. Tell me what Ester’s face looks like when you tell her the name. πŸ™‚


    1. He was one of my abusers so it’s very complicated in the mind. I normally write something more hurtful but the trigger forced another side of me to come out. I hope that make sense. If you read any of the others you’ll see the difference. Thank you for the comment. πŸ™‚

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