Survivor & So Much More *First Posted 4/21/2014*
I am alive, happy, productive and helping other Survivors. I’m very blessed.
My childhood and teenage years were so difficult I truly believed suicide was the only answer. My first attempt was at 9 years old, I took all the pills in my dad’s medicine cabinet. I got a buzz then my stomach pumped. Suicide was always on my mind since the abuse was every day. If it wasn’t physical abuse, it was constant mental abuse by my mother. At the same time, I saw my mother physically and emotionally abused by my alcoholic stepfather.
At 13 years old I left my abusive life behind. It sounds great but you are so wounded you don’t want to look anyone in the eye, they may hit you or call you names. My mind stripped down and filled with trash, my mother took every drop of confidence I had. Over time my confidence grew and I started building who I am today. I did get called names and had a couple good fights. Sounds like any teenager trying to spread their wings.
I have many unresolved emotions, responses, and fears. Who doesn’t? What I can say for sure, I’m a survivor and so much more. Survivors have to dig really deep after being kicked down. It took years for me to discover what I liked and longer to get over my fear of failure.
My mother told me I was stupid all the time. I know better when I look at the books I’ve read. I do research on the internet and find internal Medical presentations. Last week was a 155 page presentation by the FDA on ECT to the medical community. I didn’t just find it, I understood entirely and told my husband about it. I’m not stupid.
I love art, music, photography, interior design, ancient history, and archeology. At the height of my career, I earned over 300K a year, #1 on the sales force. I can grow beautiful roses, collect antique cameras. I love to travel and went to Russia by myself. I’m not stupid.
I’ve had over 20 ECT Treatments while battling the Black Dog, married three times and started drinking at 9 years old. I’ve made plenty of mistakes while building the person I am today at 50 years old. I’m a survivor and so much more.