Twenty-eight years ago my father killed himself, I was twenty-eight years old. It’s strange that my father has been dead as long as he was alive in my life.
I’ve written about his suicide many times over the years but this year feels different. It’s hard to put into words but I’ll share what words come to mind.
I knew you were going to kill yourself, you brought me to my knees with grief when you started yelling about dying. You said you needed money, I paid your bills for a year, that didn’t change anything. You were no longer the person I knew, you were delusional, you were hallowed.
I arrived at my grandparent’s house last, I walked in and said I knew daddy was going to kill himself. I don’t know if anyone felt anger towards me for knowing and not saying anything.
I felt guilty for a couple of years that I couldn’t stop his suicide but the fact is you can’t change anyone’s mind. Only the person in pain can decide to reach out and get help.
If you are trying to help someone who is saying they are going to kill themselves, don’t think you can help them by yourself. Be there for them but the only way for a positive outcome is to get professional help.
If the person is like my father and refuses to see how sick they are, do everything you can to make sense but know you can’t change a person’s mind.
Melinda
I understand that you carried the guilt of not saying anything about signs you noticed to anyone for few years. But did you ever feel guilty of not feeling guilty anymore?
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That’s a very good question, yes there were times when I would question why I didn’t still feel quilt and should I. Part of my grieving process and understanding of my mental illness helped me to leave the quilt behind. I have a mental illness and know first hand what thoughts of suicide are like, I also know that if I were determined no one would have stopped me. I hope that helps answer your question. It sounds like you still feel a burden on your heart. 🙂
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I understand what you are going through but I had a distant family member who is blaming her sibling to endorse herself as a good daughter.
I can understand that this is her way of dealing with grief too. But she is repeating the same lie over and over again probably hoping it wouldn’t be her mistake and she’s not realising the fact that it is costing her relationship with her sibling.
Both of them are cousin sisters to me, but whenever this topic comes up I had to be very careful with my words to avoid risk of sounding myself as taking sides. They both lost their father but my elder cousin is not making it easy for herself or her sister.
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Sounds, like more therapy is needed. Therapy has helped me more than anything and I still see her on a regular basis.
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Thank you for sharing this Melinda.
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Thank you for commenting. It helps to know that sharing is heard and worth the pain it can bring. Have a great day. 🙂
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It really does help knowing that there are people undergoing similar feelings/pressure.
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I am moved by your bravery and honesty. There is kindness in that; making yourself bare and vulnerable so that others who suffer will find guidance and hope. I look back on my very dysfunctional childhood, and now I am proud that I have found forgiveness for all of us, for me and for them. That has freed me, not that I no longer suffer, but I hold it differently. A bit like a prickly thing that has a life of its own and can’t help being prickly, and wants to be held with love anyway.
To you, I send love and compassion, and my deepest gratitude for the remarkable kindness that allows you to open to the world.
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Thank you so much by your kind words, it helped me more this year to talk about than in years past. Time and aging, life understanding helps keeps pain in perspective. I’m sending you good karma. 🙂
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It feels so hollow just to echo the thoughts of others in saying that I’m so sorry but I really am. And I agree, this isn’t something a child or a daughter of any age should ever, ever have to go through. I can’t begin to imagine what that would have been like. I’ve experienced others (friends, acquaintances, those I helped through work a few years ago) going through suicidal points but I couldn’t bear thinking of one of my parents reaching that point, let alone shouting about it, me trying to help for so long but them doing it anyway. You’re so right, there comes a point where more help is needed and you can’t change a person’s mind. It breaks my heart that you felt guilty or that it was your fault you couldn’t ‘save’ him or stop him doing it. There’s only so much you can do. You have helped to show others they’re not alone and raised awareness of the need to seek professional help, and you should be proud of that. Sending lots of love & hugs your way, Melinda ♥
Caz xx
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Thanks for the kind words Caz, you can always brighten my day. It’s tough for anyone to go thru suicide but I had a great therapist and being mentally ill myself helped me understand that I could have only done so much. I’ve had several times when suicide looked like my only answer and that God my husband and doctor’s were able to get me the help I needed. Have a great day. 🙂
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It’s your pain, I can understand how much it hurts you
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Thank you for commenting. Have a great day. 🙂
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I’m so sorry for your loss
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so sad
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We all know onw at some point and our experience with our own beast can help them to hopefully seek help.:)
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I’m so sorry you went through this abuse. It sounds like you went above and beyond in trying to help him. Now is the time for you to continue to live as well as you can. I wish you abundant peace, love, and many moments of joy.
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I’m so sorry Melinda. Having a parent take their life like that is truly traumatic. It’s so hard to recover from, and the ripples extend so far. You’re right: you couldn’t rescue him. At the end of the day, we each are responsible for our own lives and the decisions we make.I’m glad, that instead, you decided to build into the lives of others and create a beautiful legacy.
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Thanks for your kind words, I needed them today. 🙂
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Well, although I commented on the beautiful photo. I didn’t read your post. I’m sorry about your Dad and I agree you can try to get someone help if you see the signs. However, I also believe that there is no amount of help you give or offer someone if they don’t want it. The person might put off their actions for a bit, but they are going to do what they are going to do.
On the same, but different note I also believe it will not keep the person left behind from feeling the guilt of offering / or not offering the help and things not ending positively.
Best wishes to you.
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Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I wanted people to see that quilt isn’t something to carry around. We can olny help to a point and then we hae to grieve the outcome. But I can’t let me life spiral out of control for things out of my control. I know lots of people feel guilt when someone commits suicide and we have to give ourself a break. Have a great day.
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I am so very sorry. Love to you.
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Thank you. You understand what I’m saying in the post.
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Hugs! So sorry! Its true though we cant change anyones mind once their decision is made, only they alone can decide to not go through with it!
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Thank you for your kind comments.
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Dear Melinda, you are amazing and brave. My heart aches for you. No child should ever have to go through what you went through with your father.
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He was also one of my abusers but that really stands aside when talking about his death. I’ve lived thru a few bad things.
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I’m so sorry you went through that. Just from reading this post, it is clear that your father “parentified” you, and that alone is very abusive.
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