Random Thoughts on this side of Mental Illness

May is Mental Health Awareness Month and mental health has been on my mind more than normal. I come from generations of family members with mental illness including my father who had Bipolar Disorder.

I have treatment-resistant Bipolar Disorder which means medicines don’t always work on me. I live on a cocktail of nine medications and have been stable on this mix for six months.

I expect this to be an unpopular post, that’s okay I want to hear all your comments.

All people have to be held accountable for their actions. The thought that came to mind this morning was a murder case that disturbs me to this day. A woman in Texas drowned all five of her children in the bathtub. She pleaded temporary insanity. I would have to agree she was insane, how could someone kill their five children? She only spent five years in a mental health ward in the prison. Is five years of medical oversite enough punishment? Is she no longer insane? I think not. I’m responsible for all of my actions regardless of my mental state.

My father sexually abused me, was it ok because he was mentally ill? It wasn’t his fault? I don’t buy into that theory. My father never sought help for his mental illness and committed suicide at 52 years old. He made the decision to not seek treatment, at the end of his life he was too sick to see how far down he was. He’ll be held accountable by a higher power than me.

I was nine years old the first time I attempted suicide, it was the first of many attempts throughout my life. As an adult educated on my illness, I have a support system in place. I have to be disciplined in taking my medication, going to therapy, seeing my Psychiatrist, and communicate with my husband or pay the price of becoming unstable.

I have Dementia brought on by Lyme Diseases and my mind slips a little each day. I watched my granny slip away and have chosen not to live that way. I plan to commit suicide before my memory is completely gone. I don’t want my husband to have to go thru all the pain of caring for me. It’s gut-wrenching to watch someone disappear behind their eyes.

We don’t talk about it often but he accepts that he can’t change my mind. My Therapist and Psychiatrist know, they wish I felt different but know the truth, you can’t change someone’s mind. Last night I told my husband that it was selfless of me, it’s the only word I could come up with. He said it’s love, that’s exactly how I felt in my heart. I want to protect him from the pain I witnessed my gramps go thru as my granny slowly died.

I’ll be held accountable for my actions by a higher power.

Melinda

6 Comments »

  1. I’ve always disagreed with the concept of “not guilty by reason of insanity.” It should be guilty and insane to make sure therapy is provided, but the person is still accountable. Thank you for your honesty, Melinda. Not just here, but also with your husband and others who care for you. Memory is a strange thing. Mine seems to come and go. I worry about dementia since my mother had some. I don’t want to be a burden. But I have to remember, I am not my mother. I hope you don’t leave us too soon. I hope you have many years ahead to find those moments of joy and peace, and doing things you love.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It was a tough for post for a lot of people to read, you don’t know what to say. It’s people like you who take the time to really understand what I’m saying, my hopes, and the past experiences I’ve dealt with. I pray I don’t have to go other than by God’s hand. That is the way God wants us to live and die. I feel so strongly about this quilty by insanity that it bothers me for years. I know each person is in a different state of mental illness but both have to be delt with just like you said. The mental illness and crime. I still cry for those five kids. Have a great day. Thank you again for your thoughtful reply.

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  2. I applaud you for posting your thoughts even though you thought it could be an unpopular post. It’s not easy to voice opinions when there’s a possibility of backlash. However, my comments are all positive.

    I’m also glad you’ve been stable with the medications you’re on for the last six months. I don’t have Bipolar let alone dementia, so I can only imagine what it’s like to live with, let alone to manage bipolar when treatments so rarely work. I agree with how people should be held accountable. It’s a hard line to judge between mental illness and getting a free pass, and free will, decisions and actions that need consequences. I’ve seen it reported way too many times in the UK with those who have committed heinous crimes only to get a suspended sentence or a short term on the grounds of mental illness, even when diagnosis has been sketchy.

    I’m so sorry for the things you’ve had to go through in your life, and for what your family members have been through too. But the expression of ‘hurt people hurt people’ doesn’t get you out of doing harm to others, like your father did to you. I won’t say any more as it’s not my place, but I have the same view on the accountability there.

    It’s heartbreaking to read of your suicide attempts and your thoughts on suicide prior to significant worsening of memory loss. I have my own thoughts on suicide when it comes to illness, where suicide is of more logical decision-making that you’ve decided upon with practical implications. I’ve walked that road before and come perilously close to the edge, but I still firmly believe it’s my choice, and if/when that time comes, it’s something done with reasoning. As such, I can’t try to change your mind or say ‘no, you don’t want to do that’, because it’s nobody else’s place to. All I’ll say is that I hate the situation you’re in and I hope more than anything that you can take each day as it comes and find some joy in them.

    You are a beautiful soul, Melinda. And I think you’ve written this post beautifully, with honesty, integrity and openness  ♥
    Sending love,
    Caz xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Caz
      Your the only person who has commented. I know they are difficult subjects but one that have to be talked about. Not only for me but for others out there who are not in a good place like I am. Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply, it means a great deal to me. I want to help others by showing what I’ve come thru, it may give someone hope and there was a time when hope was what I needed. Hugs. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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