Happy Birthday Daddy

I’m reposting for Mental Health Awareness Month. I made peace with my father’s suicide years ago. I also understand the challenge and suffering mental illness can bring. I also have Bipolar Disorder and have been suicidal many times. I’m thankful for a great healthcare team, most importantly a doctor who listens to my concerns, and when a medicine isn’t working he is quick to make changes and continues until I’m stable again.

Melinda

Today would be your 76 birthday, there are a few things to say. I don’t know if you were with God in your final hours. I can’t assume you asked for forgiveness, I can’t assume you’re in Heaven.

Granny and Gramps went to their graves not knowing the pain you inflicted on me. Granny would breakdown, I would not cause her such pain.

You told me several times you were going to kill yourself, I didn’t doubt. I chose to keep the information to myself.

Granny was never the same after taking your life.

You called delusional, hallucinationing your phone was tapped. I found the cassettes, listened to every one, it’s sad where the mind can take us.

I have an idea how difficult it must have been living with a delusional mind.

Years soften the memories and pain, time doesn’t mean forgiveness. I choose to move forward building a healthy life. I’ve forgotten those times, their packed away, never to share.

Your son doesn’t have recollections of the worst times, he hardly knew you, you two didn’t spend much time. He knows nothing of my pain, like granny, he will go to his grave knowing none.

I talked with your half-brother Michael last year, he had photos and fond memories of you, the times you shared. Thru him I learned your side of the family suffered from depression for generations back.

Until next year

Melinda

15 comments

  1. Absolutely Beautiful. Coming from someone who’s father suffers greatly with mental illness, it’s painful to read other’s stories, but comforting to know we are not alone. My grandmother was murdered by my uncle, and my grandfather committed suicide. Along followed my aunt, and then my cousin, also suicide. I grew up with my father joking he was next and his belligerent bursts of anger and unpredictable actions. He is still not well to this day, and I keep myself, and my daughter separated from most of my family. Thank you for your words. You never know who’s heart you may be touching. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words. So glad you found my site. It’s a blessing you can distance yourself from the family no matter hard it may be. Your daughter will benefit from not having that strain and drama in her life. I have a mental illness so I understand all too well what it feels like to be at the bottom. My family on my father’s side has several generations of suicides. I do believe in genetics, not that everything is predetermined but that you can inherit mental illness thru your DNA. I feel for you, you carry a heavy load, my hope is the burden is lessened with time. Hope healing has come your way or healing is happening. Did you read my post “It’s Been 28 Years”? It’s about my father, I wrote it Sunday. Take care and let me know how I can help. I’ve written extensively about my father over the 15 years I’ve been blogging, you can find the resources in my archives. 🙂 Melinda

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      1. Thank you for responding. Yes, making the decision to distance myself from my family except my living grandparents, and sister was difficult, but necessary. Didn’t escape mental illness fully however. I, myself struggle with mental illness and my daughter, 15, has bipolar 1, and has aspergers. Everyday is a different kind of day. So glad I found your page. I look forward to reading more. You are more than welcome to read mine as well if you wish. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I have Bipolar 1 and can relate to the difficulty of a teen working their way around. Thank God I have enough meds to get me thru each daily. It’s an ongoing battle with meds deciding to stop working then find the next set of drugs. Glad I have a great doctor. Take care. 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Gutwrenching, beautiful post Melinda. I am so sorry for your loss and for all your Dad went through. I cannot believe that he was refused at the gates of Heaven, despite what we’re taught; your Dad did his suffering here on earth. Sending love ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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