Happy Birthday Daddy

I’m reposting for Mental Health Awareness Month. I made peace with my father’s suicide years ago. I also understand the challenge and suffering mental illness can bring. I also have Bipolar Disorder and have been suicidal many times. I’m thankful for a great healthcare team, most importantly a doctor who listens to my concerns, and when a medicine isn’t working he is quick to make changes and continues until I’m stable again.

Melinda

Today would be your 76 birthday, there are a few things to say. I don’t know if you were with God in your final hours. I can’t assume you asked for forgiveness, I can’t assume you’re in Heaven.

Granny and Gramps went to their graves not knowing the pain you inflicted on me. Granny would breakdown, I would not cause her such pain.

You told me several times you were going to kill yourself, I didn’t doubt. I chose to keep the information to myself.

Granny was never the same after taking your life.

You called delusional, hallucinationing your phone was tapped. I found the cassettes, listened to every one, it’s sad where the mind can take us.

I have an idea how difficult it must have been living with a delusional mind.

Years soften the memories and pain, time doesn’t mean forgiveness. I choose to move forward building a healthy life. I’ve forgotten those times, their packed away, never to share.

Your son doesn’t have recollections of the worst times, he hardly knew you, you two didn’t spend much time. He knows nothing of my pain, like granny, he will go to his grave knowing none.

I talked with your half-brother Michael last year, he had photos and fond memories of you, the times you shared. Thru him I learned your side of the family suffered from depression for generations back.

Until next year

Melinda

11 comments

  1. Gutwrenching, beautiful post Melinda. I am so sorry for your loss and for all your Dad went through. I cannot believe that he was refused at the gates of Heaven, despite what we’re taught; your Dad did his suffering here on earth. Sending love ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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