This post was inspired by Maria Shiver’s newsletter Sunday Paper. Every week she has an influential person or celebrity talk about their “To Be List”. I’ve been reading these for about a month now and was inspired to write my own.
Some heartfelt advice from writer Bill Bernat, who’s been there
When I lived with severe depression and social anxiety, I found it extremely difficult to talk to strangers. Yet the one conversation that uplifted me more than any other occurred in the dining hall of the mental health wing of a mountain-town hospital. I met a woman who told me that a few days earlier, she’d driven her Jeep Wrangler to the edge of the Grand Canyon. She sat there, revving the engine and thinking about driving over.
She described what had been going on in her life in the days and months leading up, what her thoughts were at that exact moment, why she wanted to die, and why she didn’t do it. We nodded and half-smiled, and then it was my turn to talk about my journey to our table in that fine dining establishment. I had taken too many sleeping pills. After the doctors treated me, they were like, “Hey, we’d love it if you would be our guest in the psych ward!”
That day, she and I talked shop. She allowed me to be deeply depressed and simultaneously have a genuine connection to another person. For the first time, I identified as someone living with depression and I felt, oddly, good about it — or rather, like I wasn’t a bad person for having it.
Now, imagine one of the people at that table was a member of your family or a close friend who told you they were really depressed. Would you be comfortable talking to them?
Depression doesn’t diminish a person’s desire to connect with other people, just their ability.
The World Health Organization says that depression is the leading cause of ill health and disability worldwide, affecting more than 300 million people. In the United States, the National Institute of Mental Health reports 7 percent of Americans experience depression in a year. But while depression is super common, in my experience most folks don’t want to talk to depressed people unless we pretend to be happy. So we learn to put on a cheerful façade for casual interactions, like buying a pumpkin spice latte. The average barista doesn’t want to know that a customer is trapped in the infinite darkness of their soul.
Depression doesn’t diminish a person’s desire to connect with other people, just their ability. And despite what you might think, talking to friends and family living with depression can be easy and maybe fun. Not like Facebook-selfie-with-Lady-Gaga-at-an-underground-party fun — instead, I’m talking about the kind of fun where people enjoy each other’s company effortlessly, no one feels awkward, and no one accuses the sad person of ruining the holidays.
There’s a chasm that exists. On one side are people with depression, and on the other side is everyone else and they’re asking, “Why you gotta be so depressed?”
I’ve noticed there’s a chasm that exists. On the one side are those people living with depression, who may act in off-putting or confusing ways because they’re fighting a war in their head that nobody else can see. On the other side is everyone else, and they’re looking across the divide, shaking their heads, and asking, ‘Why you gotta be so depressed?’
I began battling depression when I was eight, and decades later, to my surprise, I started winning that battle. I shifted from being miserable much of the time to enjoying life. Today I live pretty well with bipolar disorder, and I’ve overcome some other mental health conditions, like overeating, addiction and social anxiety. As someone who lives on both sides of this chasm, I want to offer you some guidance based on my experiences to help you build a bridge across. I’ve also talked to a lot of people who’ve lived with depression to refine these suggestions.
Please don’t let our lack of bubbly happiness freak you out. Sadness doesn’t need to be treated with the urgency of a shark attack.
Before I get to the do’s, here are some some things you might want to avoid when talking to someone who’s depressed.
Don’t say “Just get over it.” That’s a great idea – we love it — but there’s just one problem: we already thought of that. The inability to “just get over it” is depression. Depression is an illness, so it’s no different from telling someone with a broken ankle or cancer to “just get over it.” Try not to fix us — your pressure to be “normal” can make us depressed people feel like we’re disappointing you.
Don’t insist that the things which make other people feel better will work for us. For example, you cannot cure clinical depression by eating ice cream, which is unfortunate because that would be living the dream.
Don’t take it personally if we respond negatively to your advice. I have a friend who, about a year ago, messaged me saying he was feeling really isolated and depressed. I suggested some things for him to do, and he was like, “No, no, and no.” I got mad, like, “How dare he not embrace my brilliant wisdom!” Then I remembered the times I’ve been depressed and how I thought I was doomed in all possible futures and everybody hated me. It didn’t matter how many people told me otherwise; I didn’t believe them. So I let my friend know I cared, and I didn’t take his response personally.
Don’t think that being sad and being OK are incompatible. Please don’t let our lack of bubbly happiness freak you out. Sadness does not need to be treated with the urgency of a shark attack. Yes, we can be sad and OK at the exact same time. TV, movies, popular songs and even people tell us if we’re not happy, there’s something wrong. We’re taught that sadness is unnatural, and we must resist it. In truth, it’s natural and it’s healthy to accept sadness and know it won’t last forever.
Talk to a depressed person as if their life is just as valuable, intense and beautiful as yours.
And here are some do’s.
Do talk to us in your natural voice. You don’t need to put on a sad voice because we’re depressed; do you sneeze when you’re talking to somebody with a cold? It’s not rude for you to be upbeat around us.
Do absolve yourself of responsibility for the depressed person. You might be afraid that if you talk to them, you’re responsible for their well-being, that you need to “fix” them and solve their problems. You’re not expected to be Dr. Phil — just be friendly, more like Ellen. You may worry that you won’t know what to say, but words are not the most important thing — your presence is.
Do be clear about what you can and cannot do for us. I’ve told people, “Hey, call or text me anytime, but I might not be able to get back to you that same day.” It’s totally cool for you to make a narrow offer with really clear boundaries. Give us a sense of control by getting our consent about what you’re planning to do. A while back when I was having a depressive episode, a friend reached out and said, “Hey, I want to check in with you. Can I call you every day? Or, maybe text you every day and call you later in the week? What works for you?” By asking for my permission, she earned my confidence and remains one of my best friends today.
Do interact with us about normal stuff or ask us for help. When people were worried about a friend of mine, they’d call him and ask if he wanted to go shopping or help them clean out their garage. This was a great way to reach out. They were engaging with him without calling attention to his depression. He knew they cared, but he didn’t feel embarrassed or like a burden. (Yes, your depressed friends could be a good source of free labor!) Invite them to contribute to your life in some way, even if it’s as small as asking you to go see a movie that you wanted to see in the theater.
This is, by no means, a definitive list. All of these suggestions are grounded in one guiding principle: speaking to someone like they belong and can contribute. That’s what allowed the woman in the Jeep Wrangler to start me on my path to recovery without even trying: She spoke to me like I was OK and had something to offer exactly as I was at that moment. Talk to a depressed person as if their life is just as valuable, intense and beautiful as yours. If you focus on that, it might just be the most uplifting conversation of their life.
Bill Bernat is a technology marketer, Comedy Central comedian, and The Moth Radio Hour storyteller living in Seattle. He brings awareness and humor to mental health in his award-winning show, Becoming More Less Crazy. He also leads storytelling workshops and fundraisers for nonprofit organizations.
Mental health is in decline across the world. Many people are quietly struggling with stress and depression, and it is causing mental breakdowns and suicides. It is especially sad considering that these conditions can be managed and treated.
Here are five easy and reliable tips to overcome stress and depression:
Social support is one of the best remedies for stress and depression. People are social beings, and their mental health requires healthy social ties. To this end, loneliness has been identified as a catalyst for stress, depression, and other mental conditions.
You will feel your emotional and mental woes ease when you talk to someone about your troubles. Your friends and family members will offer unconditional love and support to help you overcome your problems.
Additionally, you can get professional help by talking to a therapist if your depression feels too difficult to bear. Bottom line: talk to someone and surround yourself with a positive company.
Distract Your Mind with Entertainment
Don’t get lost in your mind. You will just keep pondering over your problems and making them feel bigger than they are. It will be more exciting and relaxing to distract yourself with something entertaining.
You have lots of entertainment options at your fingertips. You could listen to some soothing music or watch a thrilling movie. Just ensure that it is something you like, and preferably something that will make you laugh.
Exercise
Exercising can work miracles for depression. Working out helps you feel like you are physically unloading your mental and emotional burdens. Exercising also helps reduce the levels of stress hormones in the body and triggers the production of hormones associated with relaxation. Additionally, the physical and health benefits of exercising are a confidence booster.
Exercising is also recommended for seniors struggling with depression because of their physical and mental conditions. For example, exercising can help improve memory retention, easing the depressing effects of Alzheimer’s.
Learn Something New
Learning is another way of distracting your mind and doing something productive in the process. For example, some therapists recommend learning new skills such as cooking as a form of therapy. Other people struggling with depression find solace in photography.
There is no limit to the variety of new hobbies or activities you can undertake to manage your depression. However, make sure that it is something that interests you if you want it to work.
Get a Pet
Pets are unconditionally loyal, loving, and everything nice. They always have time for their masters, and they are the best listeners. More importantly, they will learn new tricks just to please you. To this end, a cute pet such as a dog can ease the emotional and mental strain causing stress and depression. A pet will keep you company and bring you back to your loving self as you both bond.
Final Thoughts
Stress and depression can make life look gloomy, without an end in sight and they can lead to worse mental conditions and even drive patients to suicide. As such, practice these tips for yourself or a loved one to overcome depression and stop suicide in its tracks.
I’m so glad you’ve joined me. I hope you enjoy my Rock Oldies choice today.
Have a great weekend!
Melinda
Welcome back to Weekend Music Share; the place where everyone can share their favorite music.
Feel free to use the ‘Weekend Music Share‘ banner in your post, and don’t forget to use the hashtag #WeekendMusicShare on social media so other participants can find your post.
Discovering that your partner has been unfaithful is hurtful, but it’s more complicated when dealing with sexual addiction. Like other addictions, sexual addiction destroys relationships and affects a person’s mental and physical health and quality of life. Sex addicts have the impulse to have sex or perform sexual acts such as masturbation even when there are negative consequences. Sometimes, they don’t work or are incapable of undertaking other responsibilities to feed the urge. In some cases, love addiction may go hand in hand with sexual addiction. What can you do to make your situation better?
Finding out about the addiction can hurt; don’t make any rash decisions. Don’t immediately file for divorce, move out of the house or take the kids away. Give yourself a few months to consider possible solutions. Moreover, understand that just like any other addiction, if your partner is willing to change, he/she needs your support. If he is ready to go for counseling, start rehabilitation and make the necessary adjustments, be there to support him.
Have Protected Intercourse
Immediately after finding out, get tested for STDs and protect yourself after that. Even if your partner is addicted to sex, don’t risk contracting a sexually transmitted disease by having unprotected sex with them if they are unfaithful. Understandably, it will be hard to engage in any sexual activity with him/her after the discovery.
Doing so only leaves you more confused, hurt, and exposed to STDs. Take time for yourself to decide if you are willing to stay. If you stay with your partner, and he shows a considerable amount of effort to change, be supportive, and have protected sex if you want to.
On the other hand, don’t blame yourself. You might think that you weren’t giving your partner enough attention, prompting him to cheat. Don’t be compelled to have more sex with him to keep him from other women. It won’t work. The decision to cheat has nothing to do with you; it’s upon him to make up his mind to change. You should not have sex with him for some time until you sort the mess and feel you are ready. Don’t be coerced or forced into sex to keep him around. It will affect your self-esteem and mental health.
Get Help
As much as your partner is the one who needs professional help, it would help if you had counseling too. It’s not easy dealing with an addict, and you need a professional to help you cope with the pain and make the right decisions.
Go for Counselling Together
If your partner agrees to get help, go for some of the sessions together. You will understand the addiction better. The professionals will help you restore trust and faithfulness in the relationship and rebuild areas of your life the addiction affected.
As hard as it is to accept and rebuild a relationship after cheating, sometimes it’s the right thing to do; but more importantly, take care of your emotional and physical health.
I had a simple procedure yesterday but the anesthesia kept me sleeping most the day. I’m behind in my reading and want to say, hang in there I’ll catch up over the next couple of days. And a special thanks to for all the comments I have not been able to reply to from last week.
It has a 3.5 inch needle in my hip, I’ll write about when I catch up.
Kids might find it more difficult to cope with the pandemic. Here’s how parents can help them.
When the COVID-19 pandemic hit this past spring, billions of children around the globe were abruptly sent home from school — an anchor in so many ways. Kids have been cut off from friends and loved ones, and yanked away from daily activities and passions. Many have watched their loved ones get sick or have come down with the virus themselves. It has been … a lot.
Now, as another unprecedented academic year swings into high gear, children are facing more of the same “new normal” that no one asked for.
“We don’t know how long we’re going to be living in this very strange period. For some kids, that mean that they’ve adjusted and things are a little bit easier to manage,” said Kimberly Canter, a child psychologist at Nemours Children’s Health System. “For other kids, that just means this gets harder and harder every day.”
HuffPost Parents spoke to several experts about simple, concrete ways we can help support our children during this upcoming school year. Here’s what they had to say:
1. Regularly check in with them about what they think is happening with COVID-19.
Talking to your child about what they know (or believe they know) about the pandemic is a crucial first step to understanding where they’re at emotionally, said Canter, who developed an online intervention to help kids struggling with COVID-19 stress. (The intervention is currently available to Nemours patients only, but she shared some of the broader concepts below.)
You’re looking to understand their specific concerns, she said.
“Are there things they are hearing that are frightening them that are not true?” she asked. “Are there things they are hearing that are frightening them that are true? And how can we address that?”
If your child brings up something you don’t have an answer to, or there’s no answer to, be honest. Tell them you’ll seek out accurate information together, and reassure them that they’re not facing this alone.
Parents should also pay attention to any physical, emotional or social changes they notice in their children, said Ron Stolberg, a licensed child psychologist and professor at Alliant International University.
“Typical things to look for are significant weight gain or weight loss not related to normal development, rejecting long-standing friends, major social withdrawal, and with teens, we also add unaccounted-for spending,” Stolberg said.
Your check-ins can be brief, but they should be consistent. Parents may have done this more at the start of the pandemic, when everything was strange and new. Don’t let up now.
2. Help them identify their emotions.
Emotional intelligence is a learned skill that is rooted in a person’s ability to identify what they are feeling. Parents can help their children do that, Canter said. It’s really about noticing their feelings and learning how to name them.
This can start even if kids are young. Simple mood meters — red for angry, blue for sad, green for calm and yellow for happy — can help young kiddos track where they are and give voice to those feelings.
If your child brings up something you don’t have an answer to, or there’s no answer to, be honest. Tell them you’ll seek out accurate information together, and reassure them that they’re not facing this alone.
Parents should also pay attention to any physical, emotional or social changes they notice in their children, said Ron Stolberg, a licensed child psychologist and professor at Alliant International University.
“Typical things to look for are significant weight gain or weight loss not related to normal development, rejecting long-standing friends, major social withdrawal, and with teens, we also add unaccounted-for spending,” Stolberg said.
Your check-ins can be brief, but they should be consistent. Parents may have done this more at the start of the pandemic, when everything was strange and new. Don’t let up now.
Your check-ins can be brief, but they should be consistent. Parents may have done this more at the start of the pandemic, when everything was strange and new. Don’t let up now.
3. Build trust with their teachers.
Even if you live in an area where your child is in the classroom five days a week, this is an academic year like no other. One simple way to emotionally support your child — and your child’s teacher — is to help them feel “safe and connected to their school communities,” said Jeanne Huybrechts, chief academic officer at Stratford School, a network of private schools in California. That is true whether classes are in person, hybrid or starting the year off remotely.
“Reach out to your child’s teacher and introduce yourself and your family,” Huybrechts said. “Share family stories, values, your family’s living situation this fall, your child’s feelings about the return to school.”
More than ever this year, open communication with your child’s teachers is essential.
4. For at least five minutes a day, hang out with them however they want.
Parents sometimes hate to hear this tip because at the end of a long, exhausting day, many parents just (understandably) want to collapse, said Jill Ehrenreich-May, a psychologist and director of the Child and Adolescent Mood and Anxiety Program at the University of Miami.
But she recommends taking at least five minutes a day, every day, to just hang out together with the kids.
“Do something — not on screens — that your child wants to do with you,” Ehrenreich-May said. Follow their lead, and really try to connect through joy. They need it.
5. Remind them of what they can control.
Many children are struggling under the weight of so many unknowns. We don’t know when school will be “normal” again. We don’t know when they’ll be able to freely hug grandparents or friends. We don’t know if they’ll get sick, or if we will get sick — and how serious it might be. That’s difficult for anyone to deal with, particularly kids.
Parents can help by focusing them on what they can control right now.
“You might not be able to control if there’s a vaccine, but you can control things like washing your hands and wearing a mask,” Canter said. Similarly, kids may not be able to control when, say, soccer starts up again, but they can schedule Zoom hangouts with their teammates. And so on.
And here is something parents can control, to a certain extent: They can model the type of resiliency and self-care they hope to see in their children. That means parents need to find ways to take care of themselves.
“If I expect them to be calm and handle this really not normal situation, well, I probably need to express my own emotions appropriately,” Ehrenreich-May said.
Stolberg agreed, suggesting that parents follow a healthy sleep routine, eat nutritious food, avoid caffeine and alcohol, exercise outside if it’s safe to do so and stay connected to people, even if it’s digitally. He also recommended mindfulness exercises, such as breathing, meditation and yoga.
“You cannot be your best parent if you are not healthy and mentally prepared for the job,” he said.
At the end of the day, it’s not about pretending everything is totally OK. It’s about modeling emotional intelligence yourself and trying to show your kiddo how to live with uncertainty, while also trying to make the best of this unprecedented time.
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My Two Cents:
Go for counselling together
Parent-child counselling sessions are gaining popularity due to their many advantages. It is a program designed to help improve the relationship between parents and their children. These programs are beneficial and can help you support your child’s emotional health in the long run. They are especially important for those parents who find it difficult to get their children to open up and talk about their feelings.
As a parent, attending sessions can help you learn new skills to support your child’s mental health. A counsellor or therapist will start by observing how you interact with your child. Then they can suggest ways to improve your interactions. After attending the session, you can arrive home safely after reading more info here and without any worry of your child experiencing extra stress since you are equipped with how to handle any situation. You will know how to enhance how you communicate, solve problems better and understand your parental boundaries.
Sara Serrano who is a Community Outreach Manager for AdditionResource.net contacted me to see if I would be interested in sharing their company information on the Organizations Who Can Help page on Looking for the Light. After reading more about the company I was happy to include AddictionResouce.net to the list. The more resources available the greater the chances you will find a resource when time may be of the essence.
Sara shared some thoughts on why AddictionResouce.net
It’s difficult to find reliable information on addiction and rehabilitation on the internet, so we created a site that provides up-to-date, accurate, and evidence-based information related to addiction, substance abuse, mental health, and treatment.
The facilities chosen for our Top 10 lists are put through strict criteria during examination, which you can find on our “How We Choose” page. No facility can submit themselves or pay to be on a list.
Topics are selected based on research, which tells us what our audience may be looking for, which types of addiction individuals across the nation may be facing, and which types of treatment may be most helpful and effective.
My mission is to build a comprehensive resource for people to turn too for contact information for all types of resources across the board in one easy to find location.
lookingforthelight.blog 