Running to Stand Still

May is Mental Health Awareness Month and I wanted to shine a light on my own mental health struggles. I believe trauma in our early years greatly impacts our mental health. I got the short in the the stick as they say and I’m so glad to have had the right people in my life and the will to fight to get where I am today.

I have Bipolar Disorder on top of trauma related PTSD but today I’m stable. take my meds 99% of the time, keep a schedule, work hard to reduce stress in my life since that is one of the big triggers with my Bipolar Disorder.

I want to say to anyone out there who is struggling, do something. Anything, a step forward is a step forward. If you are at the bottom barely hanging on, check yourself in to a Psychiatric Hospital and ge the help you need. There is no shame, NO SHAME! I’ve been hospitalized several times and I’m alive today.

If you want to live and don’t know who, reach out to someone. Call 911 if you have to, go to the hospital, do something. Your life is important!

Original post from 3/2014

The song “Running to Stand Still” by U2 pierced my soul. I can’t explain the feeling. It describes my life in four simple words. I have fought most of my life to stay alive, many of my own bad choices. In the early sixties, my parents met at a party. I don’t know if they dated or a one-night stand. At 17 years old she was pregnant and engaged to another man. Women didn’t have the voice we do today so it was a shot-gun wedding. I don’t know what baggage she brought to the relationship. I know both of her parents were alcoholics. I believe one issue was the two kids with picket fence fantasy and displaced anger. I was physically and mentally abused by my mother from birth. We lived in a two-story duplex. One afternoon my grandparents came over. My grandmother learned my mother had left me upstairs in the bathtub at six months old. On another visit in the middle of winter, they found me in a diaper,  my high chair pushed up to an open window. I was running a fever and was crying. She opened the window because I was hot. I was not physically able to run but believe my mind started running early. Running from the pain, feeling unloved, lack of trust, and believed the terrible things said to me were true. It’s been a long journey to learn who I am. Most days I think positive, keep the pain locked away and maneuver my Bipolar Disorder. I buried the past for survival and to move forward. I’ve learned from years of therapy, pain finds you or affects your health. Both have found me, we work on my inner child each session.  

M/Warrior