Withdrawal: A Scattered Mind

Another reblog for Mental health Awareness Month. It talks in more detail about my withdrawal from Xanax and the delusions I had. I walked in a circle around the house for days, it’s sad to think about today and I do feel for my husband who has had to witness so much pain from my illnesses.



This post is from 2016 and on a topic I feel is important to discuss. When you take addictive medication, it’s essential to take the prescribed dosage. I was also suffering terribly from Lyme Disease at the time. You can see how out of control my life became by self-medicating and not taking the prescribed dosage.

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Xanax is an anchor drug in my medication combo for treating Anxiety/Bipolar Disorder. I’ve taken Xanax for 15 years, it works miracles in keeping me grounded. Working quickly is an advantage with little to no side effects, EXCEPT ADDICTION. The downside side is addiction happens quickly after starting. For me withdrawal starts on the second day, my fourth day I look like a street addict who would sell my soul for a pill.

The emotional and physical breakdown took me to hell. My deep secrets/scars laughed and taunted me.

Here are some of the delusions I experienced.

Learned a new language

Surviving in the desert-like Jesus

Discovered potential link for Postpartum Depression

In touch with my families Indian blood

Could feel natural body rhythm

Felt small earthquake

Saw Bobcat tracks on the front tree

Started writing Country songs

Tweeting Gwen Stefani, Blake Shelton, and Pharrell, talked to Gwen and Blake several times, Pharrell retweeted twice. I was flooded with people wanting to follow me after seeing tweets from Gwen. I was overwhelmed.

Locked all computers down, trying to keep me from writing.

The physical pain is unbearable

Anger, pain, begging God to stop kicking me in the stomach, wailing, screaming, throwing up, four days without food.

Having  to transition back one medication a day at a time

Delayed Lyme protocol by a week, reschedule the trip to DC by a month

More damage to areas already injured

Strain on marriage

Xanax is a standard drug and withdrawal doesn’t cross my mind. I kept some pills in my purse, pills in my office, and the remaining pills went into master pill caddy. The trouble is not keeping up with how many total pills you’ve taken. I take several addictive medications for my mental illness and 4-5 addictive medications for Lyme treatment.

I am in pain 24/7 and resist taking pain medication by trying to cover the pain with Xanax. I take two Xanax and I’m asleep a good 4-6 hours without pain. The Lyme Protocol calls for 4-5 addictive medications but they rarely put me to sleep. It worked the opposite and I would stay awake 2-3 days at a time which made my pain even worse.

Now all medications stay in the bottle or main pill cases.

I wrote most of this during or right after my withdrawal, you can see how my mind was not in control. Not only was my mental illness not under control but my physical health was badly damaged. Please keep all of your medication is one place and make sure you’re taking the prescribed dosage.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Withdrawal Again

I am reblogging this post because I’m having to go thru withdrawal from Percocet & Belbuca since my Pain Management doctor fired me. I was scared to go to the office because of Covid and he didn’t offer Telehealth. The front desk kept insisting I had to come in, that he would not make any exceptions. So he fired me. He only wrote two weeks’ worth of medication and offered no referral. I can’t find and get into seeing another Pain Management doctor within two weeks. I asked for a month and was told NO. Belbuca is so expensive my pharmacy would not fill for just two weeks, they couldn’t have two weeks’ worth of an expensive drug setting on their shelves. I’ve since found out that Texas State Law required doctors who managed patients with chronic health conditions to offer Telehealth appointments thru September 1, 2020. I have filed several complaints with the Texas Medical Review Board.

Please remember to have a backup doctor should this happen to you. I did get a referral from my knee surgeon but I’m in no hurry to go in with Covid still on the rise in my area. I’ll deal with the withdrawal, just suck it up and wait. Covid is much worse!



  1. Most people and some doctors don’t understand the slippery slope of addiction to drugs like these. As tolerance builds, effectiveness can decrease leading to an urge to use more. I don’t know what the answer is for chronic conditions unless it’s taking periodic short breaks while employing non-addictive alternatives. It’s a complicated issue for sure. I hope you feel better soon!

    Liked by 1 person

        1. I don’t know what I would do without my husband. Sometimes it’s scary to have so much come from one person, we can all go at any time. The thought of that is hard to think about. We talk about it every once in a while but not often. With my Dementia, I have to think about how I would live and what types of big changes I would have to make since I don’t drive much.


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