What’s My Suicide Plan?

For Suicide Prevention Month I wanted to talk about my own suicide plan. I think it’s important that we talk openly if possible about our thoughts and plans. Here’s my plan.

Many of you know I have early onset Dementia and it’s progressive. When I contracted Lyme Disease the virus went to my brain and continues to do damage. It’s like a machine gun went off in my memories. It’s very difficult when my husband brings up important events in our marriage and I can’t remember them. It doesn’t discriminate, it’s short and long-term memories.

I take two Alzheimers drugs to help slow the progression, and this year has been pretty good.

Dying from Dementia is a painful death and it takes a horrendous toll on the caregiver. My Granny had Dementia from a Stroke and it broke my heart to watch her slowly die. She starved to death because the brain forgets how to swallow. I was there at her bedside almost every day until her last breath.

When diagnosed with Dementia I knew I would not die that way, I would commit suicide. So I have a plan, several actually. My husband knows and is understanding. I asked him what he felt about it and he said that I was trying to spare him pain. He’s right. Pain, gut-wrenching heartache, and everyday back-breaking work. Of course, he would rather I not but he tries to understand. He saw my granny die too.

My Psychiatrist and Therapist also know and understand. They don’t try to talk me out of my plan nor do they ask for details. I wouldn’t share anyway. It’s always possible my suicide could look like an accident.

I know to many this may sound overly dramatic, you haven’t been at the bedside of my Granny.

If someone you know is ill and commits suicide, be understanding as possible. I know there’s the reaction of “how can they leave us behind” or “how could they do that” but you don’t know what’s going on in their mind or body.

Melinda

Alzheimer’s Month

11 comments

  1. You are very brave to share this. My mom did the same last year in March just before we all went into lockdown and long story short, I know now it was completely her choice. I pray that brought some comfort to her and I pray peace to you and your husband in the time to come.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m so sorry for your loss of your father, you’re right about the grieving part, there are days I’m “ok” and sometimes it feels like yesterday all over again. Mom had macular degeneration that worried her of course along with fighting depression most of her adult life and her living situation after my dad passed away … a combination of many things. I asked her to come live with us but she always told me she would never want to be a burden to anyone. And I certainly don’t want to burden you but felt compelled to say something about coming to terms with suicide, thank you so much.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. It’s no burden. I’m sorry to hear that your mother couldn’t reach out in her time of need. I also understand depression very well as I have Bipolar Disorder. So did my dad. He was too far gone, and at peace now. Take care.

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  2. My heart goes out to you. I am so glad you have a support system to talk about what you are feeling. It is so important to simply be heard. My best wishes and prayers for you to have continued health for as long as you can.

    Liked by 2 people

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