For Suicide Prevention Month I wanted to talk about my own suicide plan. I think it’s important that we talk openly if possible about our thoughts and plans. Here’s my plan.
Many of you know I have early onset Dementia and it’s progressive. When I contracted Lyme Disease the virus went to my brain and continues to do damage. It’s like a machine gun went off in my memories. It’s very difficult when my husband brings up important events in our marriage and I can’t remember them. It doesn’t discriminate, it’s short and long-term memories.
I take two Alzheimers drugs to help slow the progression, and this year has been pretty good.
Dying from Dementia is a painful death and it takes a horrendous toll on the caregiver. My Granny had Dementia from a Stroke and it broke my heart to watch her slowly die. She starved to death because the brain forgets how to swallow. I was there at her bedside almost every day until her last breath.
When diagnosed with Dementia I knew I would not die that way, I would commit suicide. So I have a plan, several actually. My husband knows and is understanding. I asked him what he felt about it and he said that I was trying to spare him pain. He’s right. Pain, gut-wrenching heartache, and everyday back-breaking work. Of course, he would rather I not but he tries to understand. He saw my granny die too.
My Psychiatrist and Therapist also know and understand. They don’t try to talk me out of my plan nor do they ask for details. I wouldn’t share anyway. It’s always possible my suicide could look like an accident.
I know to many this may sound overly dramatic, you haven’t been at the bedside of my Granny.
If someone you know is ill and commits suicide, be understanding as possible. I know there’s the reaction of “how can they leave us behind” or “how could they do that” but you don’t know what’s going on in their mind or body.