18 Years Old, Married, Divorced and Still Resentful 32 Years Later
Health and Wellbeing · Men & Womens Health · Moving Forward · Survivor

18 Years Old, Married, Divorced and Still Resentful 32 Years Later

Looking for the Light

Original post 7/2014

In life, there are times when memories seem like yesterday and others a lifetime ago. This is a lifetime ago memory buried in deep resentment and anger. It’s an oxymoron. I’ve had difficult challenges, growing up, and staying alive was a challenge. I’m at peace in life now. I worked through the bitterness of abuse but forgot this memory I buried so deeply that I forgot about it until yesterday.

I was married in August of 1981, I was 18 years old.

We played house until it got rough, and the decision to get a divorce came on the way to his parents for Thanksgiving. We didn’t separate, just kept skating on thin ice. Spring rolls around and race season starts. Where the money came from to pay for the races was a mystery to me and there wasn’t even prize money!

One of my dearest friends died around the same time, an elderly man who was having a heart attack hit him at a high rate of speed. Steve and I dated and remained close friends after breaking up. He was a special person, the type who brings sparkle to your life. For reasons I’ll never understand his mother called and asked me to come over to talk about Steve. I spent weeks consoling her and internalizing my grief.

The stress was more than my body could handle. I had a miscarriage two weeks later. It was a Friday night, I had no idea I was pregnant nor did I know what a miscarriage was. I’m in excruciating pain, still not processing why there was so much blood. We arrive at the hospital and since it’s Friday, several shooting victims are ahead of me. I lay across several chairs, bleeding and crying. Finally in a room but still waiting, I go to the bathroom.

I lost the baby in the toilet at the hospital and a part of me died that night, it’s a place inside I have never been before or since. Staring at the fetus, it was developed since I was 4 months along, it looked like a miniature baby. Even now it brings up feelings I don’t understand. I walked out of the bathroom, dead inside and when a nurse walked by, I said there was a baby in the toilet and kept walking.

The nurse then brings the fetus into the room in a jar and puts it by my head. Can I hand you a knife so you can stab me? I stayed overnight, and my husband went home. He never acknowledged the baby, in fact, he didn’t say anything. He was scheduled to leave for a race the next morning, and I knew he was not canceling his plans. I had to call someone the next morning to come get me.

Looking back it was a blessing. I was not ready for single motherhood and the cycle of abuse could have repeated itself. I know this in my heart. I don’t understand the resentment. I’m 50 yrs. old, and 18 was a long time ago. I’ve moved on from worse pain physically and mentally.

The only logic I can find is the baby came out of my body, I saw it clearly because no blood came out. The resentment is he never acknowledged the baby, my pain and loss, held me, let me cry, told me it was ok, or canceled the race.

I’ve never talked about this experience, it was truly locked away. I have to work through the feelings of resentment. That’s not who I am today.

Warrior

Today, Sunday, April 2024, I cried and went to a painful place reading this.

 

 

 

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21 thoughts on “18 Years Old, Married, Divorced and Still Resentful 32 Years Later”

  5. Oh my. You may have not fellt it was the right time for a baby, or expecting to be pregnant until this happened, the miscarriage. But it would have still be traumatic enough and hard to process all that was going on. I can’t imagine how difficult this would have been for you, trying to take all this in. Even after.

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    1. I’ve been in therapy for over 30 years but have not completed the process of some traumas. I think because of much stress is happening in my life right know. I’ve spent hours everyday for two weeks trying to protect my self from Identity Theft. All if my personal information was release in a data-breach. What a nightmare.

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  6. I’m so sorry for your loss, and this devastating experience.

    “I don’t understand the resentment” – one of the things I’ve struggled with is “acknowledging the hurt”. I’ve been told to many times, and it wasn’t until about 6 months ago that I understood what this meant. You had a lot of loss all in one moment, and although you expected him to let you down, you probably hoped that he wouldn’t. That hurts too. His responses sounds very inappropriate given the circumstances, and I am so sorry you had to experience that.

    I hope that the day gets better for you <3.

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