A Breakdown Last Monday Night And There Is More To Share
Celebrate Life · Health and Wellbeing · Mental Health · Moving Forward · Survivor

A Breakdown Last Monday Night And There Is More To Share

Looking for the Light

I want to thank everyone for their prayers and notes of encouragement, they have been important to my healing. After resting a little there is more to share. I only recall two other breakdowns, the first when I was nine years old and again at 12 years old.

As the violence in the house escalated, we went to our bedrooms, I left my bedroom door cracked open and watched my step-father beat my mother again. Throwing her head from side to side, hitting the wall each time, you could hear her begging for her life. They stopped in front of my bedroom, he had a knife to her throat and she closed her eyes and begged under her breath.

I was 12 years old, can’t remember the events other than it included my dad and me wanting to kill him. I spent two weeks on my bed catatonic, rocking back and forth.

My childhood was a constant trauma until I was 14 years old. When I was 28 years old, my father committed suicide. He was living with an undiagnosed mental illness with no medication by choice. For seven months after his death, I looked inward and sought out a Psychiatrist. After a few false starts, I found an exceptional Psychopharmacologist and he treated me for over 32 years.

Early on he said I needed therapy and introduced me to my current therapist who I’ve seen for over 30 years. With her I was able to slowly unpack the locked box of memories, sharing my life without emotions. I’ve gone through the first three steps of healing from trauma and have chosen not to take the fourth step which is reliving the memories and feeling the emotions. I won’t feel the pain again.

Monday’s breakdown was a combination of many factors. I’m on a new medication and my mood is not stable, that morning a trauma was triggered that had long been forgotten and packed away since I was 19 years old. The memory didn’t shake me, there was no emotion at the time. I’ve also been watching a violent series mostly centered on gang violence and the trafficking of women. Over the past 5-6 episodes I’ve watched one woman who was broken and dead inside, be beaten again and again. Running for her life, she realized there was nowhere to go, so she went back to the man who broke her.

I cried for her each episode but the reality of her future became clear. It broke me, sitting in the chair I sobbed uncontrollably as I grabbed the sides of my body. I fell to the floor, the pain was overwhelming. My husband came over to help me, and I screamed over and over don’t touch me. I grabbed my Xanax and took two. I started to hyperventilate and reached for another Xanax, my husband said no, and my response was quick. At the top of my voice, Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you all the way upstairs to my office. I sat in the dark, took another Xanax, and stayed still, soaking in all the pain over again. A short time later, I packed the night away in my box and went to bed only to spend the night away, crying under my breath.

I have experienced many other traumas in life, including being stalked three times, police pulling a gun on me in front of my house and neighbors, and being raped more times than I care to count, yet here I am.

You may be asking yourself why and how can I write this post without a tear? The short answer is I’m a survivor. Buring your trauma in a box is a coping mechanism I learned at birth, it allows you to move forward in life. 

I’m raw but crawling, healing my mind and body, and need time to recover. I will not be writing anything traumatic or deep for some time. 

Melinda

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18 thoughts on “A Breakdown Last Monday Night And There Is More To Share”

  1. I’m very thankful you found your way back and wonder what helped. I’ve been trying to stay away from violent or scary TV shows or movies, but there is a pull that way sometimes, especially since I like science fiction. Still, I know that stuff is not good for any part of me – physically, mentally, or spiritually. So glad you are working with a therapist who knows you well and that God gives you strength and comfort. I’m sending hugs and prayers for healing to you, dear Melinda.

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    1. Not all violence bothers me, that show was brutal at its core. that’s what I have to avoid and set boundaries I can’t cross. I don’t know much about Sifi, but if it disturbs you it not good. I want a few minutes of news today and still not ready, may never be because that all we here. We can find the news on the web. I found my soul today by listening to some incredible Christian songs and they hit me hard. I’m making my way back to my core beliefs and how to apply to my life and how I treat others. Judging is a problem for me and an area I have to work on.

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  2. You’re life story sounds so familiar to me, M. I’ve lived through horrendous childhood trauma, SIX breakdowns (maybe 7) and 6 trips to the psych ward, childhood sexual abuse, multiple domestic violence marriages, losing 2 kids to CPS for more than 15 years, it just goes on and on. By the grace of God I’m now an Addiction Counselor/Mental Health Therapist (for the past 7 months). Hit me up any time you wanna talk! I hope you know how powerful your testimony is. Truth always prevails. Light always wins over the darkness. Yes, you are a survivor, AND a life warrior. Thanks for sharing. ❤️💗❤️

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  4. Omg Melinda.. I’m so sorry to hear these horrifying experiences you have gone through! Your dad at least found was an aid in finding a therapist for you.. perhaps his only gift. It sounds like you are going back and feeling the feelings and that episode and trigger is a sign of it. I’m soooo happy you have a supportive husband. What a gift. Sending love, hugs and light as you heal💕

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  5. Oh my heaven dear. You are one courageous, strong, and resilient young lady despite all the horrible trauma you painfully endured. I am so sorry you too had to suffer such horrific trauma. I can imagine how being triggered can spin a person into a state of shock and oblivion.

    I’m right there with you when it comes to major panic attacks and breakdowns after being triggered. I myself have had enough of those to last a lifetime. Severe trauma stays with a person for the rest of their lives, no matter how much therapy we go through. But it does give us the tools necessary to push forward in life. Thank you for so courageously sharing your story, despite how difficult it may have been. Survivors like us are why we need to not only shed light on mental illness but also paint a picture of how trauma and abuse can affect a person’s mental health. We must also acknowledge the fact that recovery from trauma and abuse is still possible. We may never forget, but we can still live a fulfilling life after trauma and abuse. Sending love, hugs, and prayers 💕🤗🙏

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