by Beth Ann Mayer
•••••
Medically Reviewed by:
Tiffany Taft, PsyD
Living alone with a chronic illness can make it hard to get support. Some may worry about burdening others or explaining their condition, but there are people who want to help.
Not all chronic conditions are apparent, and their “invisibility” can make asking for help a challenge.
People living alone may feel this most, without a partner, family, or roommates who understand their daily routines and consistent needs.
If this describes you, you may find yourself with another task on your to-do list: finding the support you need.
Read on for tips on how to get your needs met, even when living alone with chronic illness.
1. First, know it’s OK to need help (and you’re not a burden)
People with chronic illness may be reluctant to seek help for several reasons.
“People don’t want to be a burden on others,” says Marzena Gieniusz, MD, an internist. “I hear this a lot in my practice, even when there are people willing, able, and happy to help available.”
Part of this involves cultural expectations and norms.
“Our culture places high emphasis on independence and autonomy,” says Rehan Aziz, MD, a psychiatrist.
Sometimes the issue is communicating what you need.
“Many people with chronic illnesses also face the challenge of their conditions being ‘invisible,’ which can lead to misunderstandings about the severity of their needs,” says Clorinda Walley, president of Good Days.
Still others may simply prefer being alone.
“Living alone can provide a moment of solitude — a reprieve from the intensity of medical spaces and constant interactions with others,” says Gabriel Cartagena, PhD, a clinical psychologist. “Living alone can also provide individuals with space to pause, reflect, and process their thoughts and experiences.”
2. Reflect on your relationship to asking for help
Cartagena recommends starting with self-reflection as you embark on your journey to find the support you need.
You can ask yourself questions like:
- Has it been uncomfortable for me to ask for help? If so, why?
- What does it mean for me if I do ask for help?
- What do I worry about losing if I ask for help?
- What difficulties might I have if I don’t get the help I need right now?
This reflection can be a key first step to understand what it means to you to ask for help, and why you may feel reluctant to do so.
Cartagena says the next question to ask yourself is: “Who do I feel I can trust?”
The answer may be a family member or friend. It may be challenging to ask, but you can try reframing your thoughts.
“People like to feel useful and will often be happy to be able to help in a practical way,” says Hannah Carmichael, the director of the Living Well Alone Project.
3. Be specific about your needs
While people may be eager to help, they’ll likely look to you to hammer out the what, when, and how. The good news? You’ll be able to advocate for your actual needs.
“The more specific you can be, the easier you make it for others to help you,” Carmichael says. “This gives the person you’re asking much more certainty about exactly what you need and clarifies their role.”
For example, “Rather than ‘I’d really appreciate some help with a bit of shopping at some point,’ try, ‘Next Thursday, would you be able to drive me to the shopping center at 3 p.m., and stay with me while I pick up a couple of birthday presents?’” says Carmichael.
Carmichael suggests asking different people to help with different tasks. Think of assembling a village like a coach putting together a team — everyone has a unique skill set and availability. This step can also prevent overloading one person.
For instance, a person who loves cooking may be able to assist with meal prep. A friend who enjoys driving might be willing to give you a lift to the doctor. An assertive but tactful friend could be a good advocate for you in the emergency room.
Think of assembling a village like a coach putting together a team — everyone has a unique skill set and availability.
5. Build a village near your hometown
You may not have family and friends around who can help, or perhaps you’re looking for new connections.
“When you live alone, you don’t have anyone ‘on hand’ to keep you company,” Carmichael says. “That means that the responsibility is on you to find people to be friends with, and it’s also on you to grow and maintain those relationships.”
Here are some tips to get you started.
Look online
Online resources can help set you up for in-person social support.
“Look on Meetup [and] on local Facebook groups for activities taking place that don’t need you to travel too far from home,” Carmichael says. “You might be surprised at how much is going on.”
Local notice boards at a library or community center may also spark ideas.
Keep an open mind
It can be beneficial to try something different.
“You never know, that local talk on the history of bridges in your area might turn out to be a lot more interesting than you think, or at least, a chance to meet new people,” Carmichael says.
Get into a routine
One of the easiest ways to build new connections is to encounter the same people daily. It’s not always luck.
“Try to walk the dog or go for a stroll at the same time each day, and see how quickly you start to spot familiar faces,” Carmichael says.
6. Look into community-based programs
You may have organizations within your community with people who have already volunteered to help.
“Some communities have volunteer programs that offer free assistance with tasks like grocery shopping, transportation, and home maintenance for individuals with chronic illnesses,” says Aziz.
Aziz recommends services like Meals on Wheels. However, the nonprofit generally serves people 60 and older.
Local churches, mosques, synagogues, and other volunteer-based organizations may also have services accessible to people regardless of age. A healthcare professional can point you to organizations within your community.
7. Find support online
One of the benefits of living in the Digital Age is that it can connect you with people you might not normally meet.
“Face-to-face interactions are great, but they’re not always possible when you’re living with a chronic illness,” says Carmichael. “There are some brilliantly friendly, supportive groups on Facebook, for example, if you take the time to look for them.”
Carmichael suggests searching for groups geared toward people with your condition or even hobbies and interests.
Aziz agrees that online groups can be a useful tool.
“Virtual support groups and forums can be valuable resources for connecting with others who share similar challenges and experiences,” Aziz says.
If you haven’t already, give Bezzy Communities a try.
8. Use delivery pharmacies
Gieniusz says it can be a challenge to stay up to date with medications, which can be critical to managing a condition. Compounding matters, you may be using different pharmacies for different medicines.
“Using a delivery pharmacy to ensure medications are at your door and on time can help make managing chronic illness easier,” Gieniusz says.
Major pharmacies like Walgreens and CVS also offer delivery services.
9. Let them know you value their help
Simple acknowledgments of someone’s efforts to help you can go a long way in community-building.
“It’s important because it not only shows recognition but also encourages a continued support network,” Walley says.
Carmichael agrees.
“Think about what you can offer in return so that the relationship feels more reciprocal,” Carmichael says. “Even if your condition means you won’t be able to help them with practical tasks, you could perhaps offer a cup of tea and a chat about something on their mind.”
Walley says thank you notes or simply saying or texting “Thank you” are often enough.
Simple acknowledgments of someone’s efforts to help you can go a long way in community-building.
10. Enlist help through national nonprofits
National nonprofits can connect you with organizations in your area.
Some options include:
Aziz says you may also find help through organizations specific to your condition(s), like the American Chronic Pain Association and American Cancer Society. Some also offer support groups.
Takeaway
Living alone with a chronic condition can be both practically and emotionally challenging.
Even if you can’t afford in-home aid, resources are available.
From the wider community to national organizations, there are people out there who want to provide support. Sometimes, but not always, all it takes is asking.
Medically reviewed on March 20, 2024
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