Am I Strong Enough?
Celebrate Life · Chronic Illness · Health and Wellbeing · Medical · Men & Womens Health · Mental Health · Survivor

Am I Strong Enough?

Looking for the Light

You would think that the question would be easy to answer given the physical abuse by my mother which started at birth, my stepfather hitting me in the mouth with his fist, watching my mother being beaten by my stepfather from the day they were married, and the sexual abuse by my father. My childhood was beyond traumatic, and it didn’t stop when I became a preteen.

At 12 years old, I was living with my father who was incapable of being a father and had no rules. I was dating a 21-year-old dealer and addicted to speed. Every weekend was a different mix of exotic drugs to try. I skipped school for 45 days straight and my father had me put in Juvenile Detention for three days as punishment. I was so dead inside and totally lost that the sexual abuse didn’t phase me at the time.

There’s plenty more to talk about but I also had issues when I got older. I was sexually assaulted more than once, stalked three times, had Cervical Cancer at 27 years old, and had a total hysterectomy. That’s a lot to decide at 27 years old with no children but I made it clear at 12 years old that I didn’t want children.

My father committed suicide when I was 28 years old, the only positive is that I sought out treatment for my Bipolar Disorder. Sometimes I think he died so I would live.

I’ve had all the normal career challenges including being fired from a six-figure job for something I didn’t do. I didn’t get rich of the lawsuit but I proved my point, it was someone else’s lie and politics that got me fired. The lawsuit did prove to me how strong I was and how much badgering I could take from the other side.

I’ve had health issues large and small most of my life and I think I’m facing my biggest battle yet. My first day at The Mayo Clinic is 10/13/24 and after extensive testing, I will meet with my team of doctors and learn my diagnosis and the treatment plan. I have complete confidence in The Mayo and am working hard to prepare for whatever they find.

I feel calm most of the time with a tiny bit of fear for how my life could change. I’ve worked hard as always to not diagnose myself but I have run a few searches on Copilot that have given two possible answers. I’m not putting stock in that but it’s easy to believe when everything you put in the search comes back to the same answer. I’ll leave that for the doctors and won’t be surprised if it’s something completely different.

I won’t know if I’m strong enough until the reality comes but at least I have a good track record of survival. 

I’m sending a special thanks to everyone who has sent kind words of encouragement and well wishes. You are the sunshine in my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Melinda

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26 thoughts on “Am I Strong Enough?”

  3. I don’t think there’s a word strong enough for what you’ve been through. “Trauma” doesn’t seem to cut it. My heart aches thinking of you as a child, a teenager, a young adult. It makes me so angry, but you’ve shown the abusers, the world, and yourself that you are stronger than any of it. You’ve become a wonderful person, compassionate, intelligent, and you’ve worked hard to get here. 

    I don’t know what the six-figure salary job was, but I imagine with a salary that high often comes a difficult working environment and a lot of pressure. To be fired for something you didn’t do though, that’s got to sting. You did amazingly well going through with the law suit. It’s always made more difficult on the victims than the ones in the wrong though, it’s bloody awful. 

    I hope your testing goes as well as possible. That’s next Sunday you go, right? Hopefully the doctors will be able to figure out what’s what and while I hope like hell it’s nothing you fear it will be, I do know that you’re more than strong enough to cope and keep going no matter what the outcome. You always have, always will.  Sending lots of love xxxxxx

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    1. You always bring joy to me life and it propels me to keep focused on the future. Like yourself, who has been through hell, we take stock, lick our wonds and move forward. I think it’s second nature for us to not get lost in the drama and feeling sorry for ourself. I wold love to hear what’s going on in your life, how your parents are doing and how the move went. No doubt is was very difficult on you. I admire you for being selfless and buying the house for your parents. That in itself tells me everything about you and what’s important to you. Your love of them is like the love i had for my Grandparents, whatever it takes. I’ve been shopping for Ukrainian goods this morning and forgot to publish your post. I have it almost complete and will get to it now. I feel the topic is very important and one we all need to get comfortable with. Hugs and email when you can. Hugs.

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