The morning after you killed yourself, we went to secure the house. I knew immediately you suffered slowly. Among the papers, trash, and clothes  and I found your lockbox. The divorce paperwork to my mother, every card I gave you as a child. I found the pad you were writing on. Your Bible on the coffee table, dried tears as you were reading Job in the Bible.

The note had 11:30 a.m. written in the corner. I could see you called your best friend and the phone number to a suicide line. There were words and a drawing that made no sense. Granny paralyzed, crying, asking why. The house ransacked, nothing anything made sense to her.

Dirty dishes piled high, nothing in the refrigerator, how did you live like this, how long? You phoned me several times in the months before your death. Delusional and highly paranoid each time. Someone was tapping your phone, they were trying to get you and the rest I could not understand, you were already gone. As much as I hated you, I cried, begged you not to kill yourself, trying to reason with him that Granny would never be the same. I paid your bills for months. You weren’t in touch with reality.

The outcome will not change if determined. I knew you would take your life and told no-one. I’ve wondered what went through your mind in the hours doodling to writing the note, then killing yourself. I received the call at 10:00 p.m., Gramps said your dad has done away with himself. I called right back to see if you were dead or going to the hospital.

The boxes of cassettes next to your bed, taking months to listen to. You were mentally ill, not under the care of a Psychiatrist, no medications. Your temper went 1-10 in seconds, obnoxious, loud, racist, screaming, out of control.

 

 

You had hit the bottom and I didn’t know because we were estranged,

I’ve experienced being suicidal more than once, God and my husband saved me. If you are thinking about suiside, call your Psychiatrist right away or go to closet hospital, be open with your doctor and follow all medications instructions, these actions may save your life. I’ve stayed in Psychistratic Hospitals multiple times, I had 21 ECT Treatments, and I feel no shame. My mental heath is critical to living a balanced life.

I think of you one day a year.

Melinda

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