Running to Stand Still

Original post from 3/2014

The song “Running to Stand Still” by U2 pierced my soul. I can’t explain the feeling. It describes my life in four simple words. I have fought most of my life to stay alive, many from my own bad choices. In the early sixties my parents met at a party. I don’t know if they dated or a one night stand. At 17 years old she was pregnant and engaged to another man. Women didn’t have the voice we do today so it was a shot-gun wedding. I don’t know what baggage she brought to the relationship. I know both of her parents were alcoholics. I believe one issue was the two kids with picket fence fantasy and displaced anger. I was physically and mentally abused by my mother from birth. We lived in a two-story duplex. One afternoon my grandparents came over. My grandmother learned my mother had left me upstairs in the bathtub at six months old. On another visit in the middle of winter they found me in a diaper,  my high chair pushed up to an open window. I was running a fever and was crying. She opened the window because I was hot. I was not physically able to run but believe my mind started running early. Running from pain, feeling unloved, lack of trust and believed the terrible things said to me were true. It’s been a long  journey to learn who I am. Most days I think positive, keep the pain locked away and maneuver my Bipolar Disorder. I buried the past for survival and to move forward. I’ve learned from years of therapy, pain finds you or effects your health. Both have found me, we work my inner child each session.  

M/Warrior