In this installment of “Dear Guy,” TED’s advice column from psychologist Guy Winch, he writes about how we can help other people — and still maintain our own well-being — during this pandemic.
Dear Guy: “Supporting others during this crisis is exhausting me” — ideas.ted.com
Reblog
Mar 3, 2020 / Daniella Balarezo
Glenn Harvey
This post is part of TED’s “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from people in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.
“So many relationship problems actually have very little to do with the relationship itself.”
That’s the conclusion — shared in a TEDxOakParkWomen Talk — which Chicago psychotherapist Susan Adler has come to after years of working with couples. In fact, she believes that many of the so-called relationship difficulties she sees have much more to do with the individuals’ own problems.
As it turns out, she says most people have this blindspot: “Instead of seeing that our own unhappiness puts stress on our relationship, we blame our relationship for our unhappiness — we get mad, then we try to get even, then we wonder why things go badly.” And after repeated exposure to this potent blend of blame, resentment and retaliation, as Adler puts it, “you might still be a couple, but you’re no longer a team.”
We could all benefit from having better, closer bonds. “These are pretty tough times,” Adler states. “What if we could inspire each other — especially the people we partner with — to become more thoughtful, more loving versions of ourselves?”
Here, she shares three tips for happier relationships.
It’s normal to feel angry or upset when your partner doesn’t meet your expectations or lets you down in some way. “Anger is like the bodyguard of emotions,” according to Adler. Many of us rely on it to act as a bouncer, keeping our more difficult, uncomfortable emotions in check. She explains, “We use anger to push away our hurt and our sadness and our vulnerability, and in the process we end up pushing away the people that we love the most.”
The next time your partner does something that makes you see red, stop yourself from immediately going on the attack. Instead, try to separate yourself (even moving to the bathroom or a corner of the room can be enough), take a deep breath, and ask yourself: ‘What am I really feeling underneath all this anger?’” After you’ve had some time to settle down, let your partner know what’s going on for you. “Expressing anything other than frustration or anger can bring you closer,” Adler says, and help you start a conversation — and not another argument.
The day will inevitably come when your partner behaves unwisely — they’re irritable, grumpy, unreasonable, testy, argumentative, prickly, you name it. It’s natural to want to respond in a similar vein. Resist the temptation, and remind yourself — as Adler puts it — “You can go down that rabbit hole with them, or you can make a different choice.”
And what is that different choice? “Challenge yourself to be helpful, patient, caring and kind,” says Adler. “These are all factors that research indicates make relationships happier.” For example, she suggests, “Instead of yelling, ‘Oh my god, what is wrong with you?, stop, take a breath, and imagine saying, ‘I’m so sorry you’re upset … How can I help?’ There is nothing to fight about if you’re being helpful.”
One common-sense rule of thumb from Adler: “As the saying goes, ‘The hallmark of a good relationship is when only one person goes crazy at a time.’” And the more that you can demonstrate the benefits of staying calm when your partner isn’t, the more your behavior can influence your partner to do the same when you’re in a spin.
It’s no secret that communicating your needs is the key to a healthy relationship, but how you approach that communication is just as important. For instance, let’s say that you’re at your wit’s end because your partner is cancelling date night yet again because they have to work late. Your inclination would be to tell them, “You have absolutely no consideration for my feelings!” or “You never make time for me!”, even though you know those remarks set the stage for a blazing-hot argument.
Adler’s recommendation: Communicate what you want from them by telling them what you’d like to happen. So you might say something like, “I would love it if we could figure out a night that works for both of us to spend some time together.”
There is a caveat to this approach. Be careful with your “I would love it” statements, warns Adler. “Don’t say negative things like ‘‘I would love it if you would stop being such a jerk.’ That’s not positive; that’s criticism,” she explains. “And don’t say things that focus on the past, like ‘I would love it if you would have cleaned the kitchen yesterday’ … Focus on moving forward and being positive. This is how you set your partner and yourself and your relationship up for success. This is how you get your needs met.”
While these techniques can be highly effective, according to Adler, “these skills aren’t
for every situation and they’re not for every couple. Frankly, not every relationship should survive; some are just way too unhealthy.”
In the end, these steps are all about creating more opportunities for connection and communication, avoiding acting from a place of annoyance and anger, and recognizing how you might be letting your individual stresses and worries affect your relationship. Adler says, “When we take responsibility and we value one another, our new attitude can actually inspire our … partner to want to do the same thing.”
Watch her TEDxOakParkWomen Talk now:
Daniella Balarezo is a Media Fellow at TEDx. She is also a writer and comedian based in NYC.
Melinda
POPSURGAR.celebrity
February 19, 2020by KARA KIA
← USE ARROW KEYS →Image Source: Getty / CHRIS DELMAS
Millie Bobby Brown turns 16 today! While this is a milestone birthday for most, for Millie, it was an opportunity to open up about how the media has affected her mental health ever since she first starred as Eleven on Stranger Things.
Millie was only 12 years young when she first appeared on the hit Netflix show. It’s no secret that child stardom is not the kindest to the mental health of young actors. For Millie’s 16th birthday, she shared a poignant post on Instagram. “There are moments I get frustrated from the inaccuracy, inappropriate comments, sexualization, and unnecessary insults that ultimately have resulted in pain and insecurity for me,” Millie wrote. “Not ever will I be defeated. I’ll continue doing what I love and spreading the message in order to make change. Let’s focus on what needs changing and I hope this video informs you on the things that go on behind the scenes of the headlines and flashing lights.”
Millie’s statement was accompanied by a video montage. Set to the soundtrack of “Changes” by Justin Bieber, a series of screenshots featuring various critical media headlines appeared. “Stranger Things star leaves Twitter after cyberbullying,” “Millie Bobby Brown criticized for adult style,” and “When did Millie Bobby Brown go through the change??? (Menopause)” are just a few harsh headlines that the young actor has had to deal with.
Keep reading for Millie’s full Instagram post. Related:From Netflix Actress to UNICEF Ambassador: See Millie Bobby Brown’s Evolution in Pictures
As a virus spreads in our world and takes us into uncharted waters, shutting down schools and universities, we have to learn new coping mechanisms, new ways of thinking — and new ways of learning. Teachers across the world are learning what it means to remote teach. The stress was felt globally putting together last […]
To The Teachers Of The World — This Is What Matters In The End — One Mountain at a Time
Thank you for stopping by today, times may be a bit crazy but we can pull thru anything together. We are one community and we can help others who need a hug. I’m sending my hugs to you.
Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “deep.” Use it any way you’d like. Have fun!
I love to scuba dive, I got certified in 1987 and spent the next 15 years traveling around the world looking for great dive spots. Some of you may know, the color is best in the shallow waters because the most light comes in. However I like the deep, deep waters where the wrecks and big fish live.
The color isn’t brilliant but what you see is just as fascinating. I dove the wreck of the Rhone in the British Virgin Islands. Several of the large pillars are still standing, I was able to see a manhole and dive thru an opening in the wreck. Breathtaking and quite. So quite all you hear is your breath from the regulator.
Here is a little about the wreck.
Established in1980 | Area: 800 acres (including Dead Chest Island) The Wreck of the Rhone is the first and only Marine National Park in the British Virgin Islands. It is the most celebrated dive site in the BVI, and a major recreational attraction. The park includes examples of fringing reef habitat and seagrass beds. The wreck is that of a Royal Mail Steamer, which sunk during the hurricane of 1867 with 125 people on board. At 310 feet long and 40 feet wide, the wreck of the Royal Mail Steamer lies in two main parts in waters between 30 and 90 feet deep. Much of it is still intact and visible, including decking, parts of the rigging, the steam engine, and propeller. The marine park stretches from Lee Bay on Salt Island westward to include Dead Chest Island. The ship’s anchor broke away outside Great Harbour, Peter Island, and this site forms the second portion of the park. The park is used by several commercial dive operators daily. Other dive sites in the park include Rhone Reef, Blonde Rock, and Painted Walls. Anchoring is strictly prohibited in the area in and around the Rhone. The National Parks Trust has installed mooring buoys for use by all commercial, charter, and private vessels. If moorings are unavailable around the Rhone, vessels are required to use the Salt Island Settlement or Peter Island anchorages.
Please visit many of the great dive sites in The Virgin Islands.
Melinda
Here are the rules for SoCS:
Thank you for stopping by today, times may be a bit crazy but we can pull thru anything together. We are one community and we can help others who need a hug. I’m sending my hugs to you.
Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “deep.” Use it any way you’d like. Have fun!
I love to scuba dive, I got certified in 1987 and spent the next 15 years traveling around the world looking for great dive spots. Some of you may know, the color is best in the shallow waters because the most light comes in. However I like the deep, deep waters where the wrecks and big fish live.
The color isn’t brilliant but what you see is just as fascinating. I dove the wreck of the Rhone in the British Virgin Islands. Several of the large pillars are still standing, I was able to see a manhole and dive thru an opening in the wreck. Breathtaking and quite. So quite all you hear is your breath from the regulator.
Here is a little about the wreck.
Established in1980 | Area: 800 acres (including Dead Chest Island) The Wreck of the Rhone is the first and only Marine National Park in the British Virgin Islands. It is the most celebrated dive site in the BVI, and a major recreational attraction. The park includes examples of fringing reef habitat and seagrass beds. The wreck is that of a Royal Mail Steamer, which sunk during the hurricane of 1867 with 125 people on board. At 310 feet long and 40 feet wide, the wreck of the Royal Mail Steamer lies in two main parts in waters between 30 and 90 feet deep. Much of it is still intact and visible, including decking, parts of the rigging, the steam engine, and propeller. The marine park stretches from Lee Bay on Salt Island westward to include Dead Chest Island. The ship’s anchor broke away outside Great Harbour, Peter Island, and this site forms the second portion of the park. The park is used by several commercial dive operators daily. Other dive sites in the park include Rhone Reef, Blonde Rock, and Painted Walls. Anchoring is strictly prohibited in the area in and around the Rhone. The National Parks Trust has installed mooring buoys for use by all commercial, charter, and private vessels. If moorings are unavailable around the Rhone, vessels are required to use the Salt Island Settlement or Peter Island anchorages.
Please visit many of the great dive sites in The Virgin Islands.
Melinda
Here are the rules for SoCS:
I appreciate you stopping by today! Please keep your distance and wash, wash, wash your hands. We’ll get thru this together. Have a great weekend! Melinda
I started sheltering in place in 2013 when I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. I spent three years on IV Therapy seven days a week and walked only to the bathroom and back. The years after IV Therapy was just as rough.
I’ve been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, cognitive disfunction which includes lack of balance and Dementia. Dementia is the real kicker. There are a host of other ailments I suffer from and will have more as the years pass. Lyme Diseases like many other chronic illnesses cause other complications.
I was told early on that Lyme would cause problems that seem unrelated for years to come because there is no cure and my immune system remains compromised. This past month I found her words to be true again.
I was diagnosed with Hypogammaglobulinemia last month. It’s an immune disorder of the blood. Hypogammaglobulinemia is a problem with the immune system that prevents it from making enough antibodies called immunoglobulins. Antibodies are proteins that help your body recognize and fight off foreign invaders like bacteria, viruses, and fungi. Without enough antibodies, you’re more likely to get infections. People with hypogammaglobulinemia can more easily catch pneumonia, meningitis, and other infections that a healthy immune system.
If your hypogammaglobulinemia is severe, you may get immune globulin replacement therapy to replace what your body isn’t making. You get this treatment through an IV. The immune globulin comes from the blood plasma of healthy donors.
I see a Hematologist on May 19th and look forward to what they have to say. I doubt labs will be open by then but she has my last lab work and doctor’s notes.
I quit driving years ago and have only driven a hand full of times in recent years. It’s not that I couldn’t drive but my husband came along to take notes since my memory is not what it used to be.
I’m very calm, I have a mental illness, Bipolar Disorder and my meds are working brilliantly. I met with my Psychiatrist and Therapist last month who both said I looked better than I have in years.
I’m ready for this to pass and it will pass but I’m perfectly calm and entertained indoors while my husband takes meetings in his office. The biggest problems are the four-legged kids who like to get into barking matches.
Melinda
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| April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Part of raising awareness around sexual assault is not only highlighting the work being done to bring it to an end, but also focusing on supporting the health and well-being of survivors. Especially during these weeks of uncertainty and isolation, we know that the pressure experienced by survivors of violence can significantly increase. Pain and trauma can thrive in isolation. Here are some tools—words, actions, and resources—to help guide you during these difficult times.Regularly and repeatedly check-in with yourself. Ask yourself, how is your mind and body—what emotions are you feeling? Common responses to trauma include tension, fear, anger, sadness, and maybe even feeling unsafe. Remind yourself that what you are experiencing is a common response to a traumatic event. If you are feeling in any way unsafe, reach out to a friend or a therapist to help create a safety plan. There are many medical professionals engaging in e-services — don’t let a quarantine keep you from getting the care you need. Having a good source of support can make a difference in the healing process. Know that your feelings are real, and be gentle with yourself in processing them. There are no right or wrong responses when coping with trauma. Allowing feelings to surface can make it easier to cope with them, but there are other helpful ways of addressing thoughts and feelings about a situation, such as talking, journaling, drawing, or creating art. Think about creating daily practices like exercise, relaxation, or breathing routines to help release tension and reduce stress. Resources are available. Despite quarantine orders, hotlines to provide support to survivors are continuing to operate. Make sure that you reach out for help if you need it: Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network 1 (800) 656-4673 www.rainn.orgNational Domestic Violence Hotline 1 (800) 799-7233 www.ndvh.orgNational Teen Dating Abuse Helpline 1 (866) 331-9474 www.loveisrespect.orgNational Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1 (800) 273-8255 www.suicidepreventionlifeline.orgWe hope these tools are useful as you navigate your path towards healing. Follow along on social media throughout the month of April as we share more information and resources to raise awareness about sexual assault. |
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Have a great day, I’m so glad you stopped by today. Melinda
lookingforthelight.blog 