I don’t typically pay much attention to Fox News but this article was a good one. I quit drinking over 15 years ago and the reason may seem strange to some, my mental illness. My doctor knew I drank with all the medication I took and said it was okay from a medical standpoint. He said it made the medication less effective. After years of ups and downs and hospital stays with ECT treatments, I decided that if a little extra effectiveness would help I wanted it. I’m fortunate that I’ve had no cravings since the last drink.

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Experts weigh in on how Hollywood A-listers’ admissions can encourage others to make healthy lifestyle changes

By Melissa Roberto | Fox News

On the surface, celebrities seem to have it all: fortune, fame and success.

But behind closed doors, a number of Hollywood’s leading stars struggle with alcohol, drugs and other substances. In a year of uncertainty and drastic change with a global pandemic, a wave of confessional gratitude has swept through Hollywood with more A-listers opening up about facing their demons and their sobriety journeys.

“There does seem to be a bit of a cultural shift in our attitudes towards alcohol with an awareness that less alcohol is good for your health and that periods of sobriety may be something to aspire to,” addiction expert Dr. James C. Garbutt told Fox News. 

“Of course, if someone has a true alcohol use disorder then sobriety is a very positive thing and something to be celebrated,” he said.

MILEY CYRUS SAYS SHE ‘FELL OFF’ AMID PANDEMIC, REVEALS SHE’S TWO WEEKS SOBER

From decades-long milestone accomplishments (Elton John) to one-year anniversaries (Heather Locklear) and even brave admissions of a relapse (Dax Shepard), celebrities have embraced 2020 to speak candidly about getting clean.

In some cases, stars speak out to help provide support to other addicts and show a pathway to sobriety. While others share their stories for a sense of freedom and to be open with their fans.

“For good or for bad, we are very interested in the lives of celebrities and value their opinions about the world often more than we do those with expert knowledge,” said Garbutt, an adjunct professor of psychiatry at the University of North Carolina’s School of Medicine.

“Therefore, I think when well-known celebrities acknowledge that they have had problems with substance use but have changed their lives and have become sober, it gives folks a sense of hope and confidence that they can also do it. It is a signal that: ‘I’m not some bad person, even successful people have my problems.’”

ELTON JOHN CELEBRATES 30 YEARS OF SOBRIETY, SAYS HE’D ‘BE DEAD’ IF HE DIDN’T SEEK HELP

Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus recently admitted she ‘fell off’ her path to sobriety amid the coronavirus pandemic. (Mike Coppola/FilmMagic)

Miley Cyrus was forced into sobriety after undergoing major vocal cord surgery in November 2019, and the singer confirmed she was six months sober in June this year, saying part of her decision to change her lifestyle was because of her family history of mental illness.

“I did a lot of family history, which has a lot of addiction and mental health challenges,” she told Variety at the time. “So just going through that and asking, ‘Why am I the way that I am?’ By understanding the past, we understand the present and the future much more clearly.”

Her mom, Tish Cyrus, 53, also paid tribute to her daughter and insisted the public’s perception of the “Can’t Be Tamed” hitmaker is misplaced.

“Everybody thinks Miley is like this wild thing,” Tish said on an episode of “Chicks in the Office” in July. “She’s the cleanest person I know. She’s like, she’s just so solid.”

However, her sobriety recently took a stumble amid the pressures of the pandemic.

The former Disney Channel star admitted having a setback amid the pressures of the pandemic.

MILEY CYRUS’ MOM TALKS SINGER’S SOBRIETY, SAYS SHE’S THE ‘CLEANEST PERSON’ SHE KNOWS

Revealing she was two weeks sober, Miley told Zane Lowe in an Apple Music’s New Music Daily interview: “I fell off and I realized that I now am back on sobriety, two weeks sober, and I feel like I really accepted that time.

“One of the things I’ve used is, ‘Don’t get furious, get curious.’ So don’t be mad at yourself, but ask yourself, ‘What happened?’ To me, it was a f–k up because I’m not a moderation person, and I don’t think that everyone has to be f–king sober.”

Garbutt told Fox News how the “new normal” of isolation can be a trigger to some people in their sobriety mission.

“The [COVID-19 pandemic] is putting stress on nearly everyone and leading to increased isolation,” he said.

“We know that both stress and isolation lead to anxiety and depression and are triggers to use alcohol and drugs. It is clear that anxiety and depression are higher, so it is to be expected that alcohol use has gone up as well.”

Elton John 

Elton John celebrated the 30-year anniversary of being sober in July. (Joel C Ryan/Invision/AP)

Elton John’s addiction to drugs and alcohol was heavily portrayed in the 2019 biopic “Rocketman” – and the singer admitted this year he’d be dead if he didn’t get help.

Celebrating a monumental 30 years sober in July, the “I’m Still Standing” singer, 73, posted to Instagram: “Reflecting on the most magical day having celebrated my 30th Sobriety Birthday.”

The star continued: “I’m truly a blessed man. If I hadn’t finally taken the big step of asking for help 30 years ago, I’d be dead. Thank-you from the bottom of my heart to all the people who have inspired and supported me along the way.”

Jessica Simpson 

Jessica Simpson revealed in her first memoir, released earlier this year, that she battled an addiction with alcohol and pills to cope with the sexual abuse she endured as a child.

The singer and fashion designer, who shares three children with her husband, Eric Johnson, bravely opened up about how much her problems affected her day-to-day life, and her family, after hitting rock-bottom on Halloween in 2017.

JESSICA SIMPSON SAYS ALCOHOL WAS ‘SILENCING HER’ BEFORE GETTING SOBER

Jessica Simpson got candid about her sobriety journey in her memoir released earlier this year titled ‘Open Book.'(Raymond Hall/GC Images)

“It was 7:30 in the morning and I’d already had a drink,” she wrote, recalling how later that day she and Johnson were prepping for a Halloween party and he asked her if she could help get the kids ready.

“I was terrified of letting them see me in that shape,” she confessed. “I am ashamed to say that I don’t know who got them into their costumes that night.”

The “Dukes of Hazzard” star told People in January: “When I finally said I needed help, it was like I was that little girl that found her calling again in life.” She added: “Honesty is hard, but it’s the most rewarding thing we have. And getting to the other side of fear is beautiful.”

Her action in recovery is endorsed by Garbutt.

“The first step is to recognize when alcohol use is getting out of control, for example, drinking to excess regularly and having negative consequences from drinking,” he told Fox News. “Overcoming shame and guilt are the next big hurdles.”

As well as her dramatic 100-pound weight loss after giving birth last year, Simpson has been glowing in recent social media posts, with fans noting she looks more radiant than ever.

While Simpson has been sober for three years, staying sober for 30 days can also reward your well-being, according to Hilary Sheinbaum, author of “The Dry Challenge: How To Lose The Booze For Dry January, Sober October, And Any Other Alcohol-Free Month.”

“There are so many benefits to a dry month, including: saving money on drinks, late night munchies, hangover remedies and more, having more energy, losing weight by not taking in empty calories in alcoholic beverages and from said munchies, [as well as] better sleep and better skin,” said Sheinbaum, whose book is not specifically geared toward people in recovery.

Dry months can be typically a tool for cutting out alcohol temporarily, and can certainly lead to eliminating alcohol in the long-term, the trend journalist said.

Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt credited actor Bradley Cooper for helping him get sober. (Steve Granitz/WireImage)

Brad Pitt paid tribute to fellow-actor Bradley Cooper earlier this year for helping him get sober.

In a heartwarming moment at the National Board of Review Annual Awards Gala in January, where Cooper presented the “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood” actor with the best supporting actor award, Pitt told the crowd: “Bradley just put his daughter to bed and rushed over here to do this. He’s a sweetheart. I got sober because of this guy and every day has been happier ever since.”

Cooper revealed he quit drugs and alcohol at the age of 29 — five years before starring in his breakout movie “The Hangover” – in an interview with The Hollywood Reporter in 2012.

Pitt, 56, first spoke publicly about his alcohol problems in May 2017.

“I was boozing too much. It’s just become a problem. And I’m really happy it’s been half a year now, which is bittersweet, but I’ve got my feelings in my fingertips again. I think that’s part of the human challenge, you either deny them all of your life or you answer them and evolve,” the Oscar-winner told GQ.

Pitt confessed he had to change his lifestyle because he didn’t “want to live that way anymore.” He reasoned: “Truthfully I could drink a Russian under the table with his own vodka. I was a professional. I was good.”  

Joe Rogan 

Joe Rogan got candid last month about participating in “Sober October,” a short-term one-month abstinence from alcohol. (Michael S. Schwartz/Getty Images)

Comedian and podcaster Joe Rogan announced last month he committed to “Sober October” – a short-term one-month abstinence from alcohol, akin to the other popular trend “Dry January.”

The former “Fear Factor” host posted on social media screenshots of text messages with friends who had partaken in the short-term sobriety with him for the previous two years – but they refused to join him because the pressures of life in the pandemic made it too tempting to drink.

“It’s helpful – and certainly more encouraging – to have a sober month support squad that is participating in a dry month with you, so you have someone to cheer you on and vice versa,” according to lifestyle expert Sheinbaum.

“COVID-19 and 2020 as a whole have presented a unique set of obstacles and a great deal of stress. Many people drink alcohol as a way to blow off steam,” the author – whose book is available to pre-order ahead of its Dec. 29 release – continued.

“On the flip side, because there are fewer opportunities to attend social get-togethers, parties and large gatherings such as in-person networking events, weddings, concerts and the like that often serve alcohol or offer it. For some people, there may be less of an outside influence to consume alcoholic beverages, too.”

Other stars who have enjoyed sober months include Kelly Ripa, Rumer Willis and Lo Bosworth, CEO of LoveWellness, who wrote the foreword to Sheinbaum’s book.

 Tim Allen

The ‘Home Improvement’ star recognized his 22 years of sobriety this March. (Michael Kovac/Getty Images for Moët & Chandon)

Tim Allen had credited stand-up comedy for saving him after a past that included time served in a federal prison for cocaine possession, being arrested for a DUI and a stint in rehab.

After a self-commitment to change, the “Home Improvement” actor proudly discussed his 22 years of sobriety during an appearance on “The Kelly Clarkson Show” in March.

“I’ve been drugs- and alcohol-free for about 22 years,” Allen, 66, said, revealing that someone reached out to him before he got sober.

“Because I had money and I was a star, people help, they enable you to get by,” recalled the comedian.

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“The program I practice, it’s all about as soon as you get it, you gotta give it away. A kid can’t hold on to all these toys, and every time he sees a new toy, and he goes, ‘Mine,’ you gotta drop one of those before you can grab another one.”

He acknowledged his radical transition “doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a day-to-day thing.”

Garbutt praised that outlook.

“Realizing that ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day’ is important, and there will be ups and downs, but over time one’s life can improve immensely,” he said. 

Heather Locklear

Heather Locklear celebrated one year of sobriety this March. (Jeffrey Mayer/WireImage)

Heather Locklear revealed she celebrated a year of sobriety in March after a tumultuous two years that saw the actress hospitalized, sued and in an outpatient drug rehab after many personal tribulations.

The former “Melrose Place” star, 59, announced the milestone in a post on Instagram, noting that social distancing during the pandemic meant physical contact would have to wait.

“Hugs will come later! 1 year sober today!!!,” she proudly wrote. 

‘MELROSE PLACE’ ALUM HEATHER LOCKLEAR CELEBRATES 1 YEAR OF SOBRIETY: ‘HUGS WILL COME LATER’

The message was shared alongside an image of a lengthy quote – attributed to Maya Angelou – about “life” and what it means to “live”.

A part of the passage read: “I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.”

Dax Shepard

Dax Shepard is in therapy with his wife, Kristen Bell, after admitting to a relapse earlier this year. (Cindy Ord/Getty Images)

Dax Shepard has never shied away from speaking candidly about his sobriety journey, and he recently confessed he relapsed and was abusing prescription pills.

The 45-year-old actor – who was 16 years sober before the slip – underwent surgery in August after breaking multiple bones in a motorcycle accident. He also shattered his left hand in an off-road accident earlier in the year.

As part of his recovery, the “Bless This Mess” star was prescribed painkillers and admitted to taking too much Vicodin for his pain, before progressing to taking the more powerful painkiller Oxycotin, downing eight 30mg pills a day.

DAX SHEPARD ADMITS HE RELAPSED WITH OPIATES AFTER MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT: ‘I STARTED TO GET REALLY SCARED’

He apologized to his wife, actress Kristen Bell, for “this enormous secret” and “gaslighting” her during an episode of his “Armchair Expert” podcast in September.

“My tolerance is going up so quickly that I’m now in a situation where I’m taking, you know, eight 30s a day, and I know that’s an amount that’s going to result in a pretty bad withdrawal. And I start getting really scared, and I’m starting to feel really lonely. And I just have this enormous secret,” he confessed.

Speaking out about his relapse, Bell confirmed she would stand by her husband of 7 years (they also have two daughters – Lincoln, 7, and Delta, 5).

“We have a plan. If he has to take medication for any reason, I have to administer it. But he was like, ‘So we need a stronger plan. I was faltering, and I have to do some sort of emotional work to figure out why I wanted to use again,'” she said

 

We all have the ability to chart our own course. Some will have a harder time than others but we can all take the wheel and carve out a life we want to live.

We achieve this by making small decisions every day that make a big impact on the whole. It’s not always the big steps we take, but it’s the small steps that will steer our path in the long haul.

One of the biggest steps I’ve taken to find happiness is to avoid negativity, which includes limiting the amount of news I watch daily, severe negative relationships, and limit social media interaction.

Another big step this year has been to make my mental health a priority. This includes self-care, tackling new challenges, and above all seeing about my physical health daily. That means taking my medication, keeping my critical doctor’s appointments, moving more often than sitting, eating a little better, and setting realistic expectations.

I work hard to give myself credit for what I accomplish each day, no matter how small it may seem. I work within my limits and don’t beat myself up if I can’t go the extra mile.

Last but not LEAST, I’m grateful. I try to look at the smallest things like I dropped a pill on the floor and I found it before my dog’s grateful. 

The key is I’m driving the car, I’m behind the wheel.

What steps do you take each day to change your destiny?

In health,

Melinda

“I was acutely aware of my dad’s struggles with depression, it manifested in addiction at times,” Zak Williams said

By Gabrielle Chung November 23, 2020 08:09

Zak and Robin Williams | CREDIT: KEVIN MAZUR/WIREIMAGE

Robin Williams‘ son Zak is speaking out about the importance of mental health six years after the actor’s death.

On Tuesday’s upcoming episode of The Dr. Oz Show shared exclusively with PEOPLE, Zak opens up about Williams — who died by suicide in August 2014at the age of 63 — and the dark times he personally experienced after losing his father.

“I was acutely aware of my dad’s struggles with depression, it manifested in addiction at times, and he took great lengths to support his well-being and mental health, especially when he was challenged,” he says. “It was something that was a daily consideration for him.”

The PYM founder continues, “The main thing for me was noticing how he went through great lengths to support himself while he could show up for others. It was clear that he prioritized his mental health throughout most of his life, at least that I experienced with him.”

Zak says he found himself struggling with depression and addiction as well following the death of his father and realized that he needed help.

“I found myself hitting rock bottom when I wanted to just be numb. I found myself wanting to drink alcohol and just not think,” he recalls. “That was something that was really dysregulating for me.”

“I found myself waking up in the morning and feeling like I was having a dissociative experience, but I just didn’t want to be living the life I was living. I realized something had to give,” he says.

For Zak, he says finding “forms of healing, specifically relating to not only a healthy lifestyle, but also connecting with people,” has helped his mental health immensely.

RELATED VIDEO: Zak Williams Says His Dad Robin Was His Best Friend: I Understood What He Was Going Through

“I can’t stress how important service is to my life,” he says. “The other thing is I found community support groups to be really helpful. I’m in a 12-Step program, that’s very helpful for me personally. For others, it might be connecting through community organization or through sports, there’s any number of things.”

Prior to his death, Williams suffered from Lewy Body Dementia, a type of brain disease that affected his thinking, memory and movement control. It’s the second-most common type of progressive dementia after Alzheimer’s disease.

Earlier this year, Zak shared with PEOPLE about how he’s keeping his father’s spirit alive — which includes working with organizations such as Inseparable, a national policy and advocacy group that aims to ensure Americans are granted access to mental health care amid the coronaviruspandemic.

“I stay away from drugs and alcohol, I commit to support groups,” he said in May. “One thing I found very healing for me through my experience has been service and commitment to service work specifically around mental health and mental health support organizations. Eating well, committing to a healthy lifestyle. Things that I need in my weekly and daily regimen to better support my well-being.”

In October, Zak — who shares 18-month-old son McLaurin “Mickey” Clement with wife Olivia June — opened up to PEOPLE about how far he has come in his mental health journey.

“I’m thrilled to have a family and live the life that I always wanted to live,” he said. “I’ve learned I’m not broken. Despite experiencing traumatic events, I can recover. And I am now on a path of healing and being the person I always wanted to be.”

If you or someone you know need mental health help, text “STRENGTH” to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 to be connected to a certified crisis counselor.

If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), text “STRENGTH” to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 or go tosuicidepreventionlifeline.org.

EUREK ALERT

NEWS RELEASE 11-NOV-2020

New longitudinal research shows combined lifestyle interventions promote mental wellness

NICM HEALTH RESEARCH INSTITUTE, WESTERN SYDNEY UNIVERSITY

A cross-sectional and longitudinal analysis of data from the UK Biobank, involving almost 85,000 people, has found that lifestyle factors such as less screen time, adequate sleep, a better-quality diet, and physical activity strongly impact depression.

With evolving data exploring the link between depression and lifestyle factors, the international research team led by Western Sydney University say their findings published today in BMC Medicine may help inform public health policy.

The study found:

• A significant relationship between physical activity, healthy diet, and optimal sleep (7-9 hours) was associated with less frequency of depressed mood.
• Screen time and tobacco smoking were also significantly associated with higher frequency of depressed mood.
• Over time, the lifestyle factors which were protective of depressed mood in both individuals with clinical depression and those without a depressive disorder was optimal sleep (7-9 hours) and lower screen time, while a better-quality diet was indicated to be protective of depressed mood in those without depression 
• A higher frequency of alcohol consumption was surprisingly associated with reduced frequency of depressed mood in people with depression. This may potentially be due to the self-medicating use of alcohol by those with depression to manage their mood.

“The research is the first assessment of such a broad range of lifestyle factors and its effect on depression symptoms using the large UK Biobank lifestyle and mood dataset,” said lead co-author, Professor Jerome Sarris, NICM Health Research Institute, Western Sydney University.

“While people usually know that physical activity is important for mood, we now have additional data showing that adequate sleep and less screen time is also critical to reduce depression.

“The findings also suggest that one’s dietary pattern is partly implicated in the germination or exacerbation of depressed mood.

“The results may inform public health policy by further highlighting the important relationship between people being encouraged and supported to engage in a range of health-promoting activities. In particular, maintaining optimal sleep and lessening screen time (which is often an issue in youth), while having adequate physical activity and good dietary quality, may reduce the symptoms of depression,” said Professor Sarris.

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The authors’ research also supports the use of a personalised, combined lifestyle interventions to help manage mood and promote physical wellness. This is in alignment with their recent World Psychiatry paper, led by senior author Dr Joseph Firth, a UKRI Future Leaders Fellow, from The University of Manchester, and Adjunct at NICM Health Research Institute, Western Sydney University.

Additional contributors to the study included NIHR Maudsley Biomedical Research Centre and King’s College London, United Kingdom, and the University of Padua, Padua, Italy.

The paper, Lifestyle factors associated with depression, is available online (https://doi.org/10.1186/s12916-020-01813-5) in the Journal BMC Medicine.

Disclaimer: AAAS and EurekAlert! are not responsible for the accuracy of news releases posted to EurekAlert! by contributing institutions or for the use of any information through the EurekAlert system.

Seeking an Emotional Support Animal (ESA)’s companionship and friendship can be liberating and therapeutic. However, choosing the right one to suit your specific needs could be challenging. Since the year 2016, the number of ESAs in the US shot up from 500,000 to over a million. Furthermore, deciding on particular character traits of the ESA you intend to choose is extremely important. If you’re in need of a perfect ESA pet, then this article throws light on important things you should consider beforehand.

Consider the pet’s age 

Are you looking for a young or fully matured pet? This is a crucial question you need to answer before getting an emotional support pet. The average life expectancy of household pets ranges from twelve to fifteen years. Furthermore, animals of varied ages require specific needs, which should be a factor when deciding. Ideally, younger pets are easier to handle and train, but they tend to be very energetic, noisy, and overly curious. As they are still young, you may have your work cut out for you. To ease the burden, particularly with regards to their waste disposal, consider using a professional service. For example, if you have puppies that are not yet fully potty trained, you could hire a dog pooper scooper service to handle your pup’s waste. If your objective is to enjoy a calm and peaceful life with an ESA, a young pet may not be ideal for you. An older or mature pet may be more suitable, but they are harder to train.

Consider legal protections for ESAs and owners

Two significant laws protect emotional support pets in the United States; the Fair Housing Act (FHA) and the Air Carriers Access Act (ACAA). FHA provides the freedom to live with an emotional support pet in a rented home or in places where pets, in general, are prohibited. That includes the retirement home, campus accommodation, and hotels. The ACAA allows the ESA and its owner to board commercial flights without problems. The law also applies to flights that strictly forbid the presence of animals during a trip. For both laws, it is of utmost importance that your emotional support pet is sufficiently trained to avoid pooping in public. 

Consider character traits in the pet

Just as humans have individual character traits, so do pets. For example, a Labrador that works well with a teenager is not full proof that the same species will do well with another person. Animals exhibit a wide-character variety in areas such as calmness and reaction to a strange item. For this reason, a skittish animal may not be ideal for an injured soldier looking for emotional support in a pet. It is necessary to consider the tolerance level of the animal you choose for emotional support. For example, if you already have a cat and are considering bringing in a dog as your emotional support, both should be able to live in harmony.

Consider your expenses

Naturally, some pets or breeds are more expensive to keep than others, and this should be considered when deciding on getting an ESA. For example, can your lifestyle accommodate monthly visits to the veterinary? Can you handle the bills that come with pet medications and care? In addition to these, some pets require regular grooming to improve their overall wellbeing. This will require a professional with years of experience in animal grooming, and they certainly do not come cheap. Suppose your ESA is a bird or a rabbit; keeping them healthy and active requires more money. These animals are easily prone to infections and over time, may begin to burn a hole in your wallet. Besides the initial financial value of your pet, you must consider other additional costs like pet food. 

Consider establishing an emotional connection with the ESA

Perhaps, this is the most critical consideration of all. After all, the purpose of an emotional support pet is indicated in its general description. You may be lucky to establish an instant bond with the pet you choose, whereas it takes time and effort for others. Indeed, without an ESA, the animal you choose may turn out to be an ordinary pet.

ESA’s make life bearable for their owners who need them to go through life. Each ESA provides comfort, companionship, and a bond that lasts for as long as they are with their owners. Therefore, before you decide on choosing one, remember the considerations listed here. 

This a collaborative post. 

In health,

Melinda

IDEAS.TED.COM

Nov 18, 2020 / Adia Gooden PhD

This post is part of TED’s “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from people in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

I have struggled with feelings of unworthiness for as long as I can remember.

From the outside, my life looked pretty perfect when I was growing up. My parents had a happy marriage, they were supportive and they earned enough for us to be more than comfortable. I was mostly happy, but I also had a deep sense that something was wrong with me.

My most painful moments were at parties. When I went to Black parties, my friends made fun of me because I was rhythmically challenged and I couldn’t get my awkward middle-school body to mimic the latest dance moves.

Then, as the only Black girl at parties associated with my predominantly white school, I was never chosen to dance. I was never the object of anyone’s attention. I felt like I didn’t belong.

So, at around the age of 12, I decided that the way to cure these feelings of unworthiness was perfection. Simple, right? If I was just perfect,  then I would fit in. I would be chosen. I would really be happy.

I threw myself into formal dance classes, worked hard in school and tried to be a supportive and selfless friend. My self-esteem was high when I got good grades and felt included — but it crashed when I didn’t do well academically or was left out.

I held on to the hope that if I could just find someone to love me, then I would finally feel worthy.

In college, busyness became my key strategy for trying to feel worthy. I juggled classes and tutoring with the Black Student Union, student government, gospel choir, step team … I barely gave myself time to breathe, to think, to be.

After college, my attention turned to trying to find a relationship to feel the void. The anxiety and ups and downs I experienced in this quest were exhausting. I remember going out to bars and clubs, and just like in junior high, I was rarely the one chosen to dance. I began to question my attractiveness with my brown skin and kinky hair and whether I’d ever be accepted by a potential partner. I held on to the hope that if I could just find someone to love me, then I would finally feel worthy.

I’ll let you in on a secret: None of it worked!

Not the perfectionism, the busyness, the relationships — well, maybe some of it did for a moment. Right after starting a new relationship or getting a good grade, I felt worthy. But soon enough, my feelings of self-worth slipped away and I was onto pursuing the next thing.  As soon as I reached the bar I had set for my worth, it was raised yet again.

Have you ever experienced that?

After several years of therapy, spiritual growth and a PhD in clinical psychology, I’ve finally begun to cultivate an unconditional self-worth and shed the belief that “I’m not good enough”.  I’m embracing myself — quirks and all — and this new path is liberating, enlivening and life-giving.

Let me share what I’ve learned with you. But before I do, you might be wondering if this is just more advice about self-esteem.

Unconditional self-worth is the sense that you deserve to be alive, to be loved and cared for to take up space.

I just want to clarify: Self-worth is not the same as self-esteem.

Our self-esteem is derived from our abilities, accomplishments, social positions and things we believe and we can achieve. We can bolster our self-esteem by improving our skills or performance, and our self-esteem goes up and down depending on how we’re doing in various aspects of our lives.

In contrast, unconditional self-worth is distinct from our abilities and accomplishments. It’s not about comparing ourselves to others; it’s not something that we can have more or less of. Unconditional self-worth is the sense that you deserve to be alive, to be loved and cared for. To take up space.

I have sat with hundreds of students at one of the top universities in the country and when we explore their concerns and dig to the root, we often find that they’re struggling with a deep sense of unworthiness. I believe there are many factors that cause us to feel this way.

Ads tell us that we need to buy things to be loved, accepted or to succeed. Our educational system teaches us that our worthiness as students is based on our grades or test scores. Our parents may have implied they’d love us more if we made the honor roll or the varsity team. Those of us who’ve experienced abuse, sexual assault and trauma may question our personhood and very right to exist. And, as social media pervades our lives, we have also begun to feel that our worthiness is based on the number of followers we have and likes we get.

Whatever the cause, for many of us our self-worth is tied to our accomplishments and possessions. As soon as we fail or lose approval, we experience low self-worth.

Unconditional self-worth is the antidote to low self-worth. It is a way out of self-criticism, shame and unhealthy behavior. It is a way out of depression, anxiety and substance abuse. It is time for us to base our worth on the fact that we are human to cultivate a worth that persists even when life does not go as we hoped.

So what keeps so many of us from cultivating unconditional self-worth?

Some people might fear that if they get too satisfied with themselves, they won’t be motivated to grow and change. Others could feel that accepting themselves as worthy would be arrogant. And some may simply believe that feeling worthy is just not possible.

I often wonder:

• What the world would look like if we all cultivated unconditional self-worth?
• What would you find the courage to do if you knew you were worthy?
• What would you dare to dream if your self-worth wasn’t at stake?
• What would you stop doing if you knew you were already worthy?

I believe people would resolve conflicts without violence and that more people would dare to do amazing things. I believe that if our self-worth wasn’t on the line, the world would look a lot better and more peaceful for all of us.

So how do we make this vision real?

See if you can let go of the thoughts you have about how the way you think, feel or look should be different. Instead, focus on the things you like about yourself.

Cultivating unconditional self-worth is an ongoing practice. Here are four ways you can begin to feel more worthy starting right here, right now:

1. Forgive yourself

Many of us struggle to feel worthy, because we are angry with ourselves about past mistakes. Forgiveness involves acknowledging and accepting what has happened. Acceptance releases us from blaming ourselves and others and allows us to move forward.

To forgive yourself, reflect on the circumstances that led to past mistakes, acknowledge the pain you experienced and identify what you learned from the situation. Then say to yourself “I forgive you” — in an honest and kind way.

2. Practice self-acceptance

I think many of us struggle with low self-worth because we think there’s something wrong with us and we refuse to accept ourselves the way we are. We receive so many messages that we are not OK the way we are. We’re told that we need to change our bodies, our clothes, our jobs or even our personalities to be acceptable.

See if you can let go of the thoughts you have about how the way you think, feel or look should be different. Instead, focus on the things you like about yourself. Over time, begin to embrace your quirks — your awkward laugh, your crooked smile, your unusual way of thinking about things. Through this acceptance, you’re acknowledging that you are worthy just the way you are.

Knowing that we are not alone in our struggles and pain reminds us that challenges don’t make us unworthy.

3. Be there for yourself

When life gets rough, many of us abandon ourselves during times of challenge. We engage in harsh self-criticism — which only leaves us feeling worse. What we need most when we are going through a difficult time is for someone to say “I see you. I see how badly you’re hurting. I’m here.”

We can do this for ourselves.

The next time you experience emotional pain, acknowledge how you were feeling and offer yourself some comfort. Place your hand on your chest, give yourself a hug or say something kind and soothing to yourself.

4. Connect to supportive people 

Low self-worth can leave us feeling isolated and alone. When we think there’s something wrong with us, we tend to pull away from our relationships, and this isolation only exacerbates our feelings of unworthiness. Knowing that we are not alone in our struggles and pain reminds us that challenges don’t make us unworthy. Connecting to people who are supportive helps us to get in touch with our humanity and our sense of worth.

One last thing: The journey to unconditional self-worth is not always easy.The path is not straight or smooth, and you’ll face setbacks along the way — I certainly have.

It takes courage to free yourself from the conditions you’ve placed on your worth. The process of forgiveness can be messy, it can be scary to accept ourselves as we are, being there for ourselves can put us face to face with emotional pain, and connecting to others can make us feel vulnerable.

But I’m here to tell you that this journey is also beautiful and worth taking.On it, you’ll find strength, become grounded in your humanity and know that you are worthy. So I challenge you to embrace yourselves and begin living from a place of worthiness to find your own metaphorical dance floor and move freely.

Yes, I said dance floor.

I felt free, I felt exuberant, I felt full of life, I felt worthy.

On my journey, I found myself returning to the dance floor because that’s where my own struggles with unworthiness began.

It turns out, I’ve learned a few new moves since junior high.

A few summers ago, I went to a jazz festival by myself. As I sat there watching people dancing to the live music, I longed to get up and join them. But all of my old insecurities about my dance moves and not being chosen showed up.

Luckily, an elderly man invited me to dance, and after a song or two with him, I began dancing on my own. And as the notes of Latin jazz filled the air and I moved my body to the rhythm, I felt free, I felt exuberant, I felt full of life, I felt worthy.

This talk was adapted from a TEDxDePaulUniversity Talk; to learn more about Dr. Adia Gooden and her work, visit her website. https://www.youtube.com/embed/EirlZ7fy3bE?feature=oembed

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Adia Gooden PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist and a dynamic speaker and trainer. She is passionate about helping others cultivate unconditional self-worth, and she received her bachelor’s degree from Stanford University and earned her PhD in Clinical Community Psychology from DePaul University. 

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