I’m reposting this because May is Mental health Awareness Month and I think it’s very important to acknowledge those who have committed suicide or try to understand those who might. As I’ve said many times, you will not change a person’s mind if they are determined to kill themselves but you can hopefully interview early enough to get them the help they need. I was not able to that with my father.
Don’t ever give up, no matter how hard you have been pushed away, don’t push back. try another route. Just keep trying.
This post was written in 2014
My father suffered from Mental Illness his entire life. When he was a teen, Doctor’s told my grandmother he was hyperactive and gave her tranquilizers. I doubt he took one pill. Estranged since I was thirteen years old, I could not look my abuser in the eye. Daddy started calling when I was 28 years old. He was delusional, talking in sentences that made no sense. I picked up he needed money, I started paying his bills. He said he was going to kill himself and kept rambling. I could not get through to him. I did not tell anyone in my family either. He was so far gone, he could not process what I was saying.
On February 22, 1992, my father took his life. I felt overwhelming guilt. Unsure how my grandmother would react to me not telling her. It’s a guilt I’ll carry to my grave. At 28 years old it was hard to feel pain and remember the past. In the note, he asked me to handle arrangements. I did what I’d done for years, stuff my emotions down, act strong and get it done. There are many who inherit Mental Illness, have a relative who suffers or experienced suicide in the family who suffer in silence. Healing from child abuse is difficult, it can feel impossible when the abuser is a parent. I never told my grandparents about my father sexually abusing me.
Every day is one step in forwarding motion. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at 19 years old. I’ve mostly healed since my father’s death. I forgave him long ago. I hope you can take the first step and reach for support. There is light at the end of the tunnel.