Moving home, while stressful, can open many doors for your future. For example, it could provide you with the chance to pursue your dream career or simply make a fresh start for better mental health. However, in order to make the move possible (and find your dream home), you need to ensure that you can first sell (or lease) your current property. 

Perhaps the easiest way to achieve this goal is by simply ensuring that you leave your property at its best – having undergone any necessary maintenance ahead of time. Not only will this make it easier to sell your home, but it could also increase its value significantly as you’re not leaving any costly or expensive tasks for the new buyer to tackle themselves. 

However, during the renovation process, it’s also important that you take both the interior and exterior of your property into consideration. For example, you should take the necessary steps required to improve your home’s curbside appeal. After all, the front of your property is the first thing they will see when they come to a viewing – and first impressions always count when it comes to the property market.

Photo by christian koch on Unsplash

With that in mind, here are four simple ways in which you can improve the curbside appeal of your home! 

Add a fresh coat of paint

While the paint used on the outside of your home is likely extremely durable, it won’t last forever. In fact, you may have already noticed that the paint has chipped or cracked in certain places – likely the result of bad weather. Therefore, one way in which you can enhance the curbside appeal of your home is by adding a fresh touch of paint ahead of time – opting for a clean, neutral color. 

Take care of your windows

Dirty, smudged, or otherwise damaged windows will not exactly impress a potential buyer. Therefore, you should ensure that you arrange to have them cleaned regularly by working alongside reputable cleaning companies such as Labor Panes. Furthermore, undergoing regular maintenance will also make you aware of any potential problems – such as chips or cracks – that need to be repaired sooner rather than later.  

Keep your garden in good order

While you may not be the best gardener in the world, spending a little time ensuring that your front lawn looks clean and tidy is another great way to impress a potential buyer. For example, at the very least, you should ensure that the grass is not overgrown. In addition to improving your home’s curb appeal, gardening can improve your mental health.  

Change your front door

Changing your front door is another easy way in which you can enhance the kerbside appeal of your home – especially if you opt for a statement piece. While you should avoid bright colors, don’t be afraid to select a bright or bold design that is sure to catch a buyer’s eye. If you don’t want to splash out on an entirely new door, consider giving it a fresh coat of paint. 

This is a collaborative post.

Melinda

IDEAS.TED.COM

Jun 22, 2021 / Elizabeth Svoboda

Nadine Redlich

This post is part of TED’s “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from people in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

I was churning through social media feeds one morning when the phrase “tough compassion” made me pause mid-scroll.

On a podcast episode, psychologist, Greater Good Science Center founding director and TEDxBerkeley speaker Dacher Keltner described the idea, explaining how some contemplatives practice a form of kindness — but with a decided edge.

“In the deeper traditions of compassion, like a lot of the Buddhist traditions, they have an idea of tough compassion — to step in and, in a good way, guide the person to a different form of behavior or out,” said Keltner.

An uncompromising approach to compassion is one you can try when other attempts to engage with difficult people fail.

The concept stuck with me because it seemed so at odds with the way many people today are socialized to think about compassion. Among some, a compassion-centered lifestyle is one shared in breezy, pastel-colored Insta posts and involves attending idyllic retreats and practicing meditation. And giving someone else an honest piece of our minds isn’t it.

It might be time to paint a new picture of compassion. When it comes to reducing suffering in the world, an uncompromising approach to compassion often trumps a pastel-hued one — and it’s an approach you can try when other attempts to engage with difficult people fail.

“The Dalai Lama always had this greater good analysis,” Keltner later told me. “Like, ‘What does it bring about? Is being hard in the moment going to bring about greater well-being or kindness for a lot of people?’”

Warm and fuzzy compassion has little power to sway relatives who spout conspiracies or counter leaders who tout equality while harvesting the fruits of privilege.

The case for tough compassion

Tough compassion is gaining traction because the rosy version is proving so unequal to the present moment, which has been defined by human failures to meet challenges posed by the pandemic, widespread inequality and climate change. 

Of course, there will always be a “soft” side to compassion. It’s always crucial to learn how to be a calm sounding board or comfort grieving loved ones. But warm and fuzzy compassion has little power to sway relatives who spout conspiracies, stop close friends from radicalizing online or counter leaders who tout equality while harvesting the fruits of privilege.

In the Buddhist contemplative tradition, the goal of true compassion is to find ways to promote the least suffering for everyone. In this broader framing, nodding along with someone’s bigotry, bullying, or falsehoods for the sake of preserving that relationship is the opposite of compassion. It interferes with peace-building on a societal level, even though it might seem on the surface like a nonviolent act.

If you’re a parent, you probably practice small-scale tough compassion on a daily basis, vetoing pre-dinner snacks or enforcing homework time before kids go out. Larger-scale tough compassion flows from a similar source: the willingness to bear — and even inflict — some discomfort in the moment to promote longer-term well-being.

“Our actions implicate a lot of people,” Keltner says. “You’ve got to step back and think about all the utilities and consequences downstream.”

“You have this sense, and you’re in the position to assume, that this is a struggle they have to face,” Keltner says. “It’s good for them.”

The Dalai Lama has spoken of the importance of this kind of tough love. It means that if your aunt makes an offhand racist remark or your work buddy insults a colleague, tough compassion involves speaking up — without rancor, but with conviction — if your goal is to promote less suffering for all.

“By withdrawing from the conversation, you don’t force the other person to really have to encounter a different set of values,” says Medical College of Wisconsin psychologist Zeno Franco, whose research focuses on community engagement.

In committing to tough compassion, you buy into a certain kind of risk-benefit calculus. You accept the discomfort involved in hopes that the other person will consider a different way of engaging, one that will carry over into her interactions with others, and perhaps even their interactions with those close to them.

“Our actions implicate a lot of people,” Keltner says. “You’ve got to step back and think about all the utilities and consequences downstream.”

In Franco’s view, tough compassion involves conveying that you value someone as a person while disagreeing openly with what they are doing.

Tough compassion in practice

It’s one thing to endorse the tough-compassion approach, and quite another to try to make it work. What does it actually look like to show uncompromising compassion in the moment? And when someone in your life does something that’s actively harmful, what’s the best way to guide them without outright coercing or controlling?

In Franco’s view, tough compassion involves conveying that you value someone as a person while disagreeing openly with what they are doing. When he calls loved ones out for hateful or harmful behavior, he’s not shy about saying what he thinks.

But at the same time, “I try to remain accessible as a human being who can be vulnerable, who can be hurt, and who can appreciate the person,” he says. “Part of that is thinking about how to respond in a way that is not designed to escalate, but almost to reach past the ‘facts’ or points that they are making to where what they are saying impacts me at an emotional level.”

If you want to hold a relative accountable for homophobic remarks, for instance, you can describe the effects of that kind of behavior on people close to you.

A powerful way to convey this emotional impact is through storytelling, says Juliana Tafur, a filmmaker and founder of the Listen Courageously project.

If you want to hold a relative accountable for homophobic remarks, for instance, you can describe the effects of that kind of behavior on people close to you: “My good friend is gay, and she hears insults like that all the time. She’s also been attacked in public. Because of that, it’s hard for her to trust that people are going to respect her as a human being.”

With storytelling, you can take a tough stance and show the other person the results of their actions without launching a direct attack. When you do this, “you’re really communicating — in a way that is enveloped in compassion — your fundamental boundaries, what you can and cannot accept, and inviting the other person into that conversation,” says Tania Diaz, a psychologist at Albizu University. Studies show that this story-based approach can create significant change in people’s worldviews.

Even when you know you’ll create more lasting change through dialogue than exclusion, you may have to push past significant inner resistance to engage in these conversations. Showing any kind of compassion — even tough compassion — to a person who behaves harmfully can feel like a form of surrender, or like tacit acceptance of their behavior. But from the broader perspective of reducing suffering, what might seem like fraternizing with the enemy can be a potent way to guide someone on to a less toxic path.

“When you listen, truly understand and get curious, it creates space for the person to think a little bit differently,” says Diaz.

“A lot of people have this misunderstanding that if I engage or listen, I am somehow going to be tainted or I’m going to be influenced,” Diaz says. When she facilitates these conversations, she’s found that quite the opposite is true. “When you listen, truly understand and get curious, it creates space for the person to think a little bit differently.”

To avoid shaming the other person into submission — a tactic studies show can backfire by making people withdraw from the situation — you can go on to explain how a change of course would be a win-win scenario, for the other person as well as for the world at large. “I show them what life might be like after they change and explain the positives,” says Dian Grier, a licensed clinical social worker in Mojave, California. That might mean pointing out that your homophobic relative will have a much better relationship with gay nieces and nephews if he chooses to engage with them differently.

Tough compassion, by contrast, is like an anchor pole that holds fast no matter how hard the rope tugs on it.

Holding fast

Perhaps the biggest challenge of practicing tough compassion is staying internally grounded while emotional storms rage. When you take a stand, other people may fire back with remarks that send your heart hammering. If you’re not prepared, that physical reaction can propel you straight into a “lizard brain,” fear-based mindset where you’re more likely to fall back on old, reactive rules of engagement.

Tough compassion, by contrast, is like an anchor pole that holds fast no matter how hard the rope tugs on it. “In those moments, I’m trying to be fully present and yet no longer upset,” Franco says. “The intent of every word is thought through to take the argument almost to a different place.”

To hone this kind of in-the-moment composure, it can help to write down some thoughts beforehand about what you want to say to someone or the kind of stories you want to tell. Then, once you’re up for it, schedule a real-life conversation or Zoom. This face-to-face connection often feels more humanizing than a long text thread, and deciding where and when it happens can help you feel more in control of the process.

In line with the Buddhist teaching of dropping attachment to results, the tough-compassion approach is simultaneously about holding fast and letting go.

But while tough-compassion conversations can be fertile ground for shifting others’ perspectives, your own well-being should always remain front and center. To steer clear of potentially traumatic encounters, “you need to know if the other person is in a position to be willing and able to engage in that conversation with you,” Tafur says. “And I think you’ll know that right off the bat.”

If someone ridicules your attempts at dialogue or continues to sling insults, “the tough-compassion act is to leave or disengage,” Keltner says. Exiting from a harmful situation can be its own form of uncompromising truth-telling.

In line with the Buddhist teaching of dropping attachment to results, the tough-compassion approach is simultaneously about holding fast and letting go. At its core, tough compassion is about “creating space for dialogue to unfold,” Diaz says. “Ultimately, that person decides if they’re going to shift.”

This article was originally published on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley.

Watch Betty Hart’s TEDxCherryCreekWomen Talk here: 

Watch Dylan Marron’s TED Talk on talking to people you disagree with here: 

Watch Dacher Keltner’s TEDxBerkeley Talk here: https://www.youtube.com/embed/KsFxWSuu_4I?version=3&rel=1&showsearch=0&showinfo=1&iv_load_policy=1&fs=1&hl=en-US&autohide=2&wmode=transparent

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Elizabeth Svoboda is a writer based in San Jose, California, and a regular contributor to the Greater Good. She is also the author of the book What Makes a Hero?: The Surprising Science of Selflessness, and her newest book is The Life Heroic.

Looking for the Light turned 12 years old in May

I started my first blog, Defining Memories in 2005 to help me grieve the death of my beloved granny. After several years my post became more personal and the name didn’t work so Looking for the Light was born in 2009.

Looking for the Light has evolved over the years and will continue to grow, we’ll grow together. I want to stretch myself, provide better, more valuable information, and will continue to take you to the lead.

I write for myself but in writing, my hope is that someone, just one person can find hope in the future and as they as light at the end of the tunnel.

I thank everyone who has ever crossed my path. You’ve helped me grow and continue to look honestly at myself when sharing my story. I believe today as I did with my first post, sharing our stories is important and everyone has a story.

You’ve taught me so much about myself, life, and the human spirit. Each day of every week your comments lift me up, teach me new ideas, and often humor me. Thank you for taking the time to drop a note to speak your mind. It really does mean so much to me.

If I’ve changed your life in any way, I would love to hear from you. This is a good time for renewing the spirit and hearing your stories.

Melinda

There’s no getting away from the fact that everyone ages, and as a person gets older, their lifestyle habits and needs might change, along with their healthcare requirements. You’re likely reading this today because you’ve got elderly parents.

Image Source

You also want your parents to stay as fit and healthy as possible so they can keep leading independent lives. But, what can you do to facilitate those goals and support them? The following are some practical suggestions you can consider:

Check Their Healthcare Needs

Firstly, it makes sense to confirm that their healthcare needs get met. As you can imagine, medication and other healthcare needs can change as a person gets older, plus there’s also the cost factor to consider.

With that in mind, it’s worth checking their qualifications for Medicare, so they don’t have to worry about how to pay for any medication, treatments, or visits to specialists. Next, you should determine whether they need a review of any existing medication.

You can do that by arranging for them to visit their doctor and have a medication review, plus a medical to check for any potential future health concerns. After all: the last thing you want is for your parents to lead a painful life in their senior years due to a missed diagnosis.

Encourage Them to Do Outdoor Activities

Everyone knows that it’s crucial to remain active throughout your life to ensure your body has the best chance of performing well. Physical exercises help the body to burn off fat, and they’re also helpful for ensuring optimal brain function and mental health.

You don’t need to make your elderly parents run marathons each year, of course! However, you should encourage them to take up regular outdoor activities to suit their fitness levels and health.

For example, going for a daily walk to a local park or beach, if they leave by the coast, is an excellent way to boost their physical health and mental wellbeing. They could also take up other outdoor activities like yoga, dancing, and aerobics.

Help Them Eat Healthily

The trouble with today’s world of convenience is that more people are eating the wrong types of food because they are easy to consume. It’ll come as no surprise that more people eat processed foods high in salt, sugar, saturated fat, and other unhealthy ingredients.

Make sure that your elderly parents eat a healthy, balanced diet. Did you know that you can have delicious yet healthy ready-made meals delivered to their home? All they need to do is microwave them or heat them up in their ovens.

It’s also important that your parents don’t forgo eating fresh fruits and consume unhealthy snacks like chocolate bars.

Help Them Find Fun Senior Citizen Programs

Lastly, your parents will undoubtedly have an array of fun senior citizen programs in their local area. They can enroll in some of those programs to help maintain their physical health and be more socially active.

Such programs are perfect as your parents will get to mix with other like-minded individuals in their age group and make new lifelong friends along the way.

This is a collaborative post.

Melinda

Image credit 

Your self-esteem emphasizes confidence in your values and abilities, making it worth nurturing. Not only does it give you a sense of purpose, but you can also be yourself without apology. Besides, you can make sound decisions and nurture good relationships while achieving your goals. What’s more, research indicates that people with higher self-esteem are happier and more satisfied with their lives. 

Despite its numerous benefits, many people still struggle with their self-esteem. An NBC survey reveals that 85% of Americans have low confidence levels, reiterating its prevalence. Besides, it triggers anxiety, depression, and drug abuse risks while impairing your productivity. Fortunately, you can improve your confidence and lead a happier life. That said, here are some practical ways to build your self-esteem. 

Identify and manage your triggers 

According to Psychologist Suzanne Lachmann, low self-esteem has an origin that should be tackled to improve your life’s quality. Not only does it help you heal faster, but it also keeps your mental health in check. Triggers can be memories or experiences that evoke an intense reaction, including bullying, harsh criticisms, rejection, betrayal, or failure, among others. However, identifying and managing them is an essential step towards increasing your self-worth.  

You may observe and consider signs like sweaty palms or pounding heart when you remember or experience something. By all means, understand these reactions instead of fighting them, and own your feelings. It’s also prudent to assure yourself that nothing is your fault and get rid of any guilt. By doing these, you’ll quickly notice any triggers and handle them appropriately. 

Refuse harmful or inaccurate thinking 

Your inner thoughts can be your powerful stepping stone or your biggest demotivation, depending on how you utilize them. If you persistently think about your failures, blame, shame, and belittle yourself, then you are significantly damaging your self-esteem. What’s more, these crippling thoughts can discourage you and increase your anxiety and depression levels. Moreover, a University College London study revealed that people with persistent negative thoughts are more likely to experience cognitive decline and dementia. It’s therefore prudent to lay off these damaging thoughts and build positive ones. 

Fortunately, you can adopt specific strategies to improve your thinking. For instance, you shouldn’t ruminate over past mistakes but instead, view them as opportunities to be better. Although you may experience some negative thoughts periodically, it’s best not to dwell on them for long to avoid demeaning yourself. You can also monitor your thinking patterns and practice mindfulness to connect to your positive thoughts and feelings. Yoga has proven to be effective against negativity, so you may leverage this helpful exercise. By all means, avoid dwelling on your negative traits and focus on your unique features. 

Build positive relationships and avoid toxic ones 

Research by Dr. Michelle A. Harris and associates indicated that people with positive social relationships and support tend to have higher self-esteem and vice versa. Besides, good friends and family act as a buffer against overwhelming experiences and encourage personal growth and development. What’s more, they give you pleasure and joy, while improving your life’s quality. Toxic people, on the other hand, drain you of happiness and purpose. They may also manipulate you to act against your will, leaving you demoralized and worthless. Therefore, it’s advisable to keep good people around you and avoid toxic ones. 

Although the world moves at a fast pace, it’s best to create time for your friends and family. For instance, you may organize a weekly or monthly get-together to have fun and uplift each other. You may also schedule regular phone calls if you can’t meet up physically. It’s prudent to be honest about your struggles, as they can help you see your value. You can also say no to manipulating friends and call them out on their behavior. Feel free to end your friendship if they refuse to change their demeaning attitude towards you. 

Practice self-compassion

The truth is, no one will love you more than you, making it imperative you give yourself some TLC. Besides, loving yourself increases your happiness levels and motivates you to achieve more incredible things. Moreover, it helps you to recover from significant setbacks while triggering your growth mindset quickly. It also reduces your mental health risks while enhancing your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. You also get to avoid unhealthy comparisons and appreciate your strengths. Therefore, you may take steps to treat yourself right. 

For starters, you may focus on improving your overall health. It’s prudent to eat healthy meals with essential vitamins and take healthy beverages. By all means, stay hydrated and exercise at least three times weekly to keep your body fit. It’s also essential to work on your appearance to look more attractive. For instance, you can use treatments like the

Duac Gel to improve your facial features and purchase a new outfit to flatter your figure. Feel free to take a vacation when you feel stressed, and refuse to overwork yourself. By all means, learn to live in the present and be grateful for its pleasures. 

Overcome your fear of failure

People with low self-esteem often avoid taking on challenges because they doubt their ability to succeed. They fear failure and will often make excuses or play the blame game to avoid trying altogether. However, this can cause you to lose life-changing opportunities and keep you stagnant. Besides, you can develop harmful habits like self-sabotage which will leave you dissatisfied and worsen your self-esteem. It’s therefore imperative to overcome your fears and tackle new challenges. 

Although it might be challenging, you can take gradual steps to overcome your fear of failure. For instance, you may set a few small goals to keep you focused on upcoming tasks and visualize yourself succeeding. Again, you should leverage positive thinking to keep you calm when you face some setbacks. Perhaps, you can create a contingency plan to boost your confidence if you are afraid of failing. The goal is to become better in your endeavors, so you need to learn from every failure you experience and improve yourself. 

Be kind to others 

Kindness offers numerous benefits, including decreased anxiety and increased lifespan. However, various studies revealed that people who practice kindness have higher self-esteem than those who don’t. Besides, putting a smile on someone’s face can make you fulfilled and happy. What’s more, you get to focus on positive things and build positive relationships. Therefore, you can improve your self-confidence by helping someone out. 

However, you should draw the line between kindness and being a pushover. Admittedly, some people would want to abuse your kindness, making it imperative to stand your ground. For instance, you may learn to say no if you can’t do something and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for it. But, it’s prudent to help your elderly neighbor with their chores or a stranger struggling to carry their groceries. Perhaps you can volunteer in your community’s environmental sanitation or donate to a charitable cause. Fortunately, you don’t have to break the bank to be kind; sometimes, the smallest gestures touch people’s hearts. 

Celebrate your achievements

According to the Dalai Lama, celebrating your achievements builds your confidence and improves your self-esteem. What’s more, it motivates you to accomplish more goals and add to your successes. Therefore, it’s prudent to reward yourself each time you accomplish something. You don’t have to wait for a massive win before you appreciate yourself. If you finish your tasks on time, treat yourself to a nice meal. These little acts will help improve your self-perception. 

This is a collaborative post.

Melinda

Compassion fatigue is one of the most unpleasant feelings a human being can experience. There are so many reasons in this modern world for us to feel empathy or compassion for another person (or people), and at times it can be very easy to feel drained by it all. This is then compounded by feelings of guilt – how dare you feel drained, with all of the privilege that you have? – and before long, you’re so stressed that you don’t even know where to start dealing with it.

It’s a common feeling among those in caring professions, and those who care for sick loved ones, but compassion fatigue is not limited to the occupational sphere. For those of us who look at the way the world is, and are struck by the suffering of those fleeing wars, enduring famine, or facing repression from their own governments, it’s more than a little tough. 24-hour news media means you’re rarely more than a few clicks away from seeing something that will distress you. It is vital to retain our compassion and our empathy – they’re in too short a supply in this world – so it’s important to follow the tips below on avoiding compassion fatigue…

Know the signs of burnout, and step back if it gets too much

If you’re someone who fights for causes, the chances are you come from a position of relative privilege. That position is bound to make you feel guilty if you sometimes feel too tired to attend a march, run a fundraising campaign, or lobby your congressperson. However, burnout is a very real problem and it can arise even when you’re a true believer in what you do. Pushing through something when you feel exhausted is noble – but in the long term, it might not be the best thing for you or for those who need your voice. Too many good people have worked themselves into serious illness, so knowing when to stand back is essential.

Don’t feel the need to give everyone a hearing

There are some causes that absolutely deserve our attention, and merit the signal boost we can give them through our own channels. If you are a campaigner who runs a website or blog, it’s good to get a message out there to give it oxygen, and when people contact you with causes you support there is a lot of good you can do. On the flip side, there will be those who seek to exploit your good nature by spamming your blog with comments. Knowing how to identify link spam, block out the cynics, and keep your literal and mental bandwidth for deserving causes is an essential part of self-care.

There’s safety – and relief – in numbers

It’s easy to feel you’re not doing enough, but there is only one of you, and only 24 hours in a day – and you have to sleep sometimes. Being passionate about a cause leads us to want to make our voices heard, but it doesn’t have to be your voice every time. Getting the right people around you can take more work, to begin with, but it means that you can divide up the work of campaigning and still get a lot done. Use tools like social media and crowdsourcing apps to spread the load, and when you need to be the one in the spotlight you’ll find it easier to shoulder the burden.

This is a collaborative post.

Melinda

IDEAS.TED.COM

Jun 10, 2021 / Emily Nagoski PhD + Amelia Nagoski DMA

Stocksy

In their book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, coauthors (and twin sisters) Emily and Amelia Nagoski reveal that completing the stress cycle — finding a way to let our bodies know we’re no longer threatened or in danger and we can stop being stressed — can be the most effective way to avoid burnout and emotional exhaustion. Physical activity or any kind of physical movement is one great way to do this, but there are several other ways. 

Here are 6 evidence-based strategies to help you complete your stress cycle:

1. Breathing

Deep, slow breaths down-regulate the stress response, especially when the exhalation is long and slow and goes all the way to the end of the breath so your belly contracts. Breathing is most effective when your stress isn’t that high or when you just need to siphon off the very worst of the stress so you can get through a difficult situation.

A simple, practical exercise is to breathe in to a slow count of 5, hold that breath for 5, then exhale for a slow count of 10, and pause for another count of 5. Do that three times — for one minute and 15 seconds of breathing — and then see how you feel.

Casual but friendly social interaction is the first external sign that the world is a safe place.

2. Positive social interaction

Casual but friendly social interaction is an external sign that the world is a safe place. People with more acquaintances are happier. Just go buy a cup of coffee and say “Nice day” to the barista or compliment another customer’s earrings. Reassure your brain that the world is a safe, sane place, and not all people suck. It helps!

3. Laughter

Laughing together, and even just reminiscing about the times we’ve laughed together, increases relationship satisfaction. We mean belly laughs — deep, impolite, helpless laughter. When we laugh, says neuroscientist Sophie Scott, we use an “ancient evolutionary system that mammals have evolved to make and maintain social bonds and regulate emotions.”

A warm hug in a safe and trusting context can do as much to help your body feel like it has escaped a threat as jogging, and it’s a heck of a lot less sweaty.

4. Affection

Sometimes, a deeper connection with a loving presence is called for. Most often, this comes from a loving and beloved person who likes, respects and trusts you, whom you like, respect and trust. It doesn’t have to be physical affection (though physical affection is great). A warm hug in a safe and trusting context can do as much to help your body feel like it has escaped a threat as jogging a couple of miles, and it’s a heck of a lot less sweaty.

One example of affection is the “six- second kiss” advice from relationship researcher John Gottman. Every day, he suggests, kiss your partner for six seconds. There’s a reason behind the timing: Six seconds is too long to kiss someone you resent or dislike, and it’s far too long to kiss someone with whom you feel unsafe. Kissing for six seconds requires that you stop and deliberately notice you like this person, you trust them and you feel affection for them. By noticing those things, the kiss tells your body that you are safe with your tribe.

Another example: Hug someone you love and trust for 20 full seconds, while both of you are standing over your own centers of balance. Research suggests this kind of hug can change your hormones, lower your blood pressure and heart rate, and improve mood. It doesn’t have to be precisely 20 seconds. What matters is you feel the stress easing, or what therapist Suzanne Iasenza describes as “hugging until relaxed.”

Of course, affection doesn’t stop with other human beings. Just petting a cat or dog for a few minutes can help complete the cycle too.

5. A big ol’ cry 

Have you had the experience of just barely making it inside your home — or bedroom — before you slam the door behind you and burst into tears for 10 minutes? Then you wipe your nose, sigh a big sigh and feel relieved from the weight of whatever made you cry? You may not have changed the situation that caused the stress, but you completed the cycle.

Have a favorite tearjerker movie that makes you cry every time? Going through that emotion with the characters allows your body to go through it, too.

You might experience completing the stress cycle as a shift in mood or mental state or physical tension, as you breathe more deeply and your thoughts relax.

6. Creative expression 

Engaging in creative activities today leads to more energy, excitement, and enthusiasm tomorrow. Like sports, the arts — including painting, sculpture, music, theater and storytelling in all forms — create a context that tolerates and even encourages big emotions. Arts of all kinds give us the chance to celebrate and move through our big emotions.

P.S.: How do you know you’ve completed the cycle?

It’s like knowing when you’re full after a meal or like knowing when you’ve had an orgasm — your body tells you. You might experience it as a shift in mood or mental state or physical tension, as you breathe more deeply and your thoughts relax.

It’s easier for some people to recognize than others. For some people, it’s as obvious as knowing that they’re breathing. That’s how it is for Emily. Long before she knew about the science, she knew that when she felt stressed and tense and terrible, she could go for a run or for a bike ride and at the end of it she would feel better.  She has always been able to feel it intuitively, that shift inside her body.

Don’t worry if you’re not sure you can recognize when you’ve completed the cycle. Especially if you’ve spent a lot of years — like, your whole life, maybe — holding on to your worry or anger, you’ve probably got a whole lot of accumulated stress response cycles spinning their engines, so it’s going to take a while before you get through the backlog.

All you need to do is recognize that you feel incrementally better than you felt before you started. You can notice that something in your body has changed, shifted in the direction of peace.

“If I was at an eight on the stress scale when I started, I’m at a four now,” you can say. And that’s pretty great.

Excerpted from the book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. Copyright © 2019 by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. Used by permission of Ballantine, an imprint of Random House Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

To learn more about the stress cycle and burnout, watch Emily and Amelia Nagoski’s TED conversation: 

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

Emily Nagoski PhD is the author of “Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life.” She has a PhD in health behavior with a minor in human sexuality from Indiana University, and a MS in counseling, also from IU, including a clinical internship at the Kinsey Institute sexual health clinic. A sex educator for 20 years, she is the inaugural director of wellness education at Smith College.

Amelia Nagoski DMA Amelia Nagoski holds a DMA in conducting from the University of Connecticut. An assistant professor and coordinator of music at Western New England University, she regularly presents educational sessions for professional musicians discussing the application of communications science and psychological research, including “Beyond Burnout Prevention: Embodied Wellness for Conductors.”

What Is a Weighted Blanket? Occupational therapists have been prescribing weighted blankets to help manage sensory-related symptoms for decades – especially for children and adults on the Autism spectrum. A weighted blanket is a specially made therapeutic blanket with some additional weight, generally weighing between 5 to 30 pounds. They come in different weights to […]

Weighted Blankets — Change Therapy

IDEAS.TED.COM

Apr 14, 2020 / Kara Cutruzzula

Glenn Harvey

This post is part of TED’s “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from people in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

To be human is to get defensive. When we’ve been questioned or criticized at work, it’s fair to say that almost all of us — save for, perhaps, the Dalai Lama and other equanimous souls — have gotten irritated, retreated into silence, or said something cutting in response. And because it is so normal to get defensive, we tend to write it off as no big deal. Jim Tamm, however, begs to differ.

Former judge Tamm spent 25 years working through other interpersonal conflicts, including mediating more than 1,000 employment disputes, and he currently trains consultants to teach collaboration skills. So what does defensiveness have to do with collaboration? Tamm has come to believe that defensiveness is the major obstacle that prevents people from working well together. “There is nothing that will help you become more effective at building collaboration than better managing your own defensiveness,” he says in an interview.

While it’s close to impossible to completely eliminate getting defensive during stressful moments, you can become aware of your own reactions and have an action plan in place when you notice them. “Any time you’re getting defensive, you’re getting less effective. When you get defensive, your thinking becomes rigid and you simply become stupid,” says Tamm, also the author of the book Radical Collaboration.

Why is defensiveness such an obstacle to collaboration? When we get defensive, “we put way more into self-preservation than we do into problem-solving,” Tamm says. “We’re trying to prove that we’re right rather than search for creative solutions.” When this happens in a workplace, it can be a recipe for chaos and failure. Such impulses are especially harmful for bosses, managers and those in power. That behavior hurts more than just the defensive person. When we get defensive, adds Tamm, “we invite everyone else in the room to get defensive, too.”

Of course, it can be difficult to recognize defensiveness in ourselves, and that’s because there are underlying emotions at play. When a person becomes defensive, they might appear to be putting on protective armor and gearing up for battle, but they’re usually masking their fear. “Defensiveness does not protect us from other people,” says Tamm. “It defends us from fears we don’t want to feel.” Those fears can include thoughts about your own significance, your competence and your likeability. Your defenses might come up due to imposter syndrome — like when you’re scared not looking smart enough or that you’re a subpar employee or a bad boss.

For example, let’s say you’re worried about a performance review. When your manager gives you some constructive criticism, you may offer excuses or become angry or brusque. But Tamm says these behaviors are masking your real problem, which could be your fear of not getting the raise or promotion that you feel you deserve or even your fear of being fired. “Our defensiveness helps us hide our fears from ourselves,” he says, and it erroneously serves to convince you that the fears you have aren’t true.

OK, now that we understand the dangers of defensiveness, here’s what we can do about it. You can start by learning to spot the warning signs of defensiveness in yourself. When you feel yourself experiencing them, pay attention and take action. According to Tamm, here are the 10 most common warning signs that you may be getting defensive: A spurt of energy in your body; sudden confusion; flooding your audience with information to prove a point; withdrawing into silence; magnifying or minimizing everything; developing “all or nothing” thinking; feeling like you’re a victim or you’re misunderstood; blaming or shaming others; obsessive thinking; and wanting the last word.

Tamm recommends looking back on any charged conversations, disagreements or conflicts — minor and major — from your life, and finding the patterns of behavior you engage in when you get defensive. Perhaps a minor tiff at work made you default to “all or nothing” thinking, and suddenly you felt ready to quit. Or, a single question from your partner about where the soup pot is located gets magnified into “You never know where anything is because you never liked this apartment.” If you have difficulty determining your own signs of defensiveness, ask for feedback from your family, friends or trusted colleagues. “Usually, other people spot our defensiveness before we do,” says Tamm.

Why is internal observation so important? “Most of us are not sufficiently in tune with our fear to do anything about it until it’s too late,” says Tamm. “If we know what our signs of defensiveness are, they can become our own personalized early warning system. For example, I noticed that when I get defensive, my breathing becomes faster, I tend to talk much louder, and I usually feel very misunderstood.”

Creating your own warning system for defensiveness involves a few simple steps: Noticing, taking action, and letting go. Whenever you recognize one of your own warning signs — for example, obsessive thinking or confusion — acknowledge to yourself that you’re getting defensive by saying something like “It feels like I’m becoming defensive.” This is extremely important. Tamm points, “If you don’t notice that you’’re getting defensive, you’re not going to take any other action.”

Next, slow down your physiology in some way. That could mean taking a few deep breaths, being aware of your feet on the ground, or — if you can — going for a walk. Focusing your attention outward is like hitting a reset button on your defensiveness. At the same time, try to observe what you’re saying to yourself. If you find that you’re criticizing yourself for your defensiveness or for your lack of keeping cool, ask yourself something like “Is this helping me right now? What behavior would be more helpful?”

Then, create an action step to counteract any damage that your defensiveness may cause. If you typically go quiet and sulk, for instance, you may decide instead to ask a question or share what you’re feeling. One way to create a psychologically safe environment for yourself — and others — is when you demonstrate your vulnerability. This can be accomplished by sharing something like “I feel like I’m getting defensive here, so let me take a step back.” Or, if your defensiveness sign is bombarding your teammates with information to prove your point, you could consciously pause for 15 seconds and let others finish speaking first.

In his TEDx talk, Tamm shares a memorable example of an action step. He says, “One woman’s warning sign was always wanting the last word. So she got this image of herself standing in the conference room doorway, throwing in the last word, and slamming the door. [Picturing it] was a way of not only reminding her what she was doing but also lightening up her mood a little bit.”

Once you’ve taken your action step, you’ll find that you have an easier time letting go of your defensiveness and examining the situation — and your coworkers — with fresher, calmer eyes. Your physical and emotional selves will most likely be in a different place than when you first started getting defensive. Practice your action step until it becomes automatic, suggests Tamm.

Be patient: Noticing and managing your defensiveness takes practice. Find times — maybe with your family or friends — when you can rehearse your action steps so you’ll be ready when you most need them. Remember, says Tamm: “If you can stay non-defensive, you can always be more effective.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kara Cutruzzula is a journalist and playwright and writes Brass Ring Daily, a daily motivational newsletter about work, life and creativity.

IDEAS.TED.COM

Dec 7, 2017 / Kio Stark

Stocksy

Kio Stark loves to talk to strangers — but she knows every exchange started is one that must be ended. Here, she shares how to gracefully step away.

I’ve spent much of the last decade studying (and having) conversations and teaching people how to understand their own exchanges. And I’ve found that exits can be the most awkward of all the moments in an interaction with another person, particularly a stranger. How do you end a conversation? Who has the right to end it?

The goal is to end an interaction at will, but without offending the person you’re stepping away from. Whether we’re aware of it or not, we use physical and conversational cues. When our cues are not noticed or heeded, it gets weedy pretty fast.

Once it begins, an interaction in an open space has a diameter. In sociologist Erving Goffman’s study, the range in the United States was no closer than one and a half feet and no farther than three feet or so. Too close and it’s hard to speak directly to each other, hard to know where to look or gesture, and might feel so uncomfortable that it makes people back away. Too far and you’re not committed physically to being in the interaction. In a larger group, people may have to lean in to hear or may be at the edges of the interaction, and their attention can more easily wander or switch focus.

Losing eye contact is a signal that you want to end a conversation — but it’s a more obvious and intentional one.

If you want to make an exit, you can use your body as a signal. Beginning in small increments, you can step or lean outside that interaction zone. Losing eye contact is a signal — but a more obvious and intentional one. Unconsciously, you might get a little jittery, and that’s a signal too. Once you do signal, you hope your partner is getting the message and will either end the interaction or be prepared when you do. Sending and receiving the message may even happen quickly enough that there’s an illusion of mutuality.

Words work too. Often, all you need is a reason or a friendly parting line. “I have to run”; “I need to get another drink”; “do you know where the bathroom is?”; “I have to check on my friend”; “hey, it was nice talking to you”; or glancing at your phone and saying “my friend (or partner, or babysitter) is texting me,” things like that. These are reasonable needs that require you to end an interaction. Any of these things may be true, but they work as excuses too. So it’s nice to be genuine and warm about it, if you can.

Power matters — the person with more gravitas has the right to end the interaction and may choose to do so politely or not.

To make a clean exit, you also have to contend with which person has the strongest claim to “leave-taking rights” in the conversation. In general, the person who started the interaction has priority to end it. It’s a matter, to some degree, of politeness. The person who started the conversation had a reason. It may have been mere curiosity or friendliness, which only give limited priority in ending the interaction, but if the person who started the conversation had a specific need or agenda, it is in theory theirs to close. There is a tacit understanding that you have to make sure the person who started the conversation got what they needed.

However, this can be abused — and you end up forced to be rude in order to exit. Power matters, too. When there is a real or perceived differential in power or status, the person with more gravitas has the right to end the interaction and may choose to do so politely or not.

So much of this, almost all of it, happens beneath the level of logic and reason. It’s all gut, instinct, sensory information, and fantastically subtle cues. Of course, we can extract ourselves from a conversation without satisfying the person who started it. It’s rude, but it can be tempered with a wave and a smile as one walks away.

All these implicit rules, bodily expressions and the words that do and don’t come out of our mouths — all of these are things we’re only dimly aware of. Learning to see them carries the thrill of secret knowledge. It’s also practical knowledge. It helps you understand when you feel graceful and when you feel awkward as you share spaces and moments with people. It helps you pull yourself into a transformed social landscape, one that is open and rich with surprising, affirming connections. And using this precious and practical knowledge can inch us all toward a more intriguing, respectful, tolerant world.

Excerpted from the new book When Strangers Meet: How People You Don’t Know Can Transform You by Kio Stark. Reprinted with permission from TED Books/Simon & Schuster. © 2016 Kio Stark.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kio Stark writes, teaches and speaks about stranger interactions, independent learning and how people relate to technology. She is the author of the TED Book, “When Strangers Meet.”