Domestic Violence Awareness Month-What I’ve Experienced

I’ve lived in the hell of Domestic Violence. Instead of giving you statistics, I want to share some thoughts and experiences. In this post, I also share ideas on how to proactively prepare for the day you leave. 

This chart is great to use for teaching tweens/teens and as a reminder for yourself. If children are taught early, you can help them see the warning signs, and help them gently with the words to break off the relationship before it goes any further. Teens can be a handful but early learning will help.

There are resources on the Internet on how to listen to your child if you are worried about them. Talking to a therapist about coping skills and how to teach your children about abusive relationships will help immensely. 

 

Feelings you may encounter

• Anger
• Confusion
• Fear
• Explosions
• Self-Hatred
• Low Self Esteem
• Chaos
• Running Away
• Suffocated
• Followed

My world was walking on eggshells, listening to my mother get beat day after day. My stepfather hit her head against the wall as they went down the entire hallway and stopped at my bedroom door. I had to listen to my mother begging for him to stop, it traumatized me. 

I was nine years old, my parents were going to bed, and I thought we had made it thru another day. A few minutes later I hear her screaming and them coming down the hall, wincing every time her head hits the wall. They landed in front of my door but across the hall, I could peek out my door and see everything. My stepfather dragged her by the hair, up against a wall, and had a knife to her throat. My mother saw me I could tell she was afraid for her life. I saw a trickle of blood and freaked out. I had fears of him hurting us four children.

Even though my mother and I had a very fractured relationship, you don’t want to see your mother killed. I was panicked, and could not get to the phone to call my grandparents. I gather up the little money I had hidden and took off on my bike. I rode across town to my boyfriend’s house. Long story short, my mother arrived acting nice until we got in the car. She slapped me all the way home. Everything was fine, it was my fault.

If you are in a Domestic Violence relationship and you are planning to leave, there are some steps you can take to make the move less stressful. If you have a family member or friend that would allow you to pack some items and leave them until the night you leave that would not cause alarm at home. If you don’t have anyone to help you directly, hiding essentials in the trunk of your car is possible. The key is to be prepared as possible because once you leave the house, it may take a while before you get your items returned or are able to move back in the house. 

You have to get crafty when it comes to money. If you withdraw the money too quickly they will find out. He’s what comes to my mind. You have to plan your escape seriously and it has to be precise or it may escalate. If both of your names are on the credit card or bank try to get your name taken off and get a new account sent to a safe address. Run as fast as you can with what you can! Life will be insane for a while but living in those conditions is inhumane. 

Save small amounts of money and hid it from your partner, after you have a small amount of money, take it to your friend’s house for safekeeping. You will need to save money for some time to help you once you leave. I’ve heard of many women being cut off from money, it’s probably one of the leading causes. Many times one partner will be left without money, for who knows how long.

If you have children you will need escape bags for them too. I’m talking like one small suitcase for all. If you have a job it’s easier, in that you can control your future. Once you settle into a shelter, family, or friends, new routines can form. Shop different stores, and do everything to avoid him even if that means driving out of way to pick items up. The last thing you want is a confrontation. This can escalate very quickly and turn into a bad ending.

I’ve talked to many women and men from Domestic Violence homes and leaving is always hard. There are so many fears. Have someone on your side to talk to if you can. The key is planning, where to go, and when to go, you have to plan a couple of days’ clothing if possible because it may be that long before an Officer can go with you and let you in the house. Tell as few people as possible and get a burner phone so he can’t track you.

It may sound far-fetched but many abusers don’t want to lose their partner, they say I love you and how sorry they are, and it will never happen again. LIE! They want to continue to control you and will stop at nothing. I’m not talking about killing you, even though in a worst-case scenario it could happen, what I’m talking about is the hassling, all the time, calling you or your employer, calling your family members, they will work hard to have you back in their life. 

I will firmly say the first time you leave is the easiest, if you go back and many do, they will keep an eye on every move you make. Don’t let that stop you from leaving again you have to try a different technique. The saddest is the children involved in the turmoil. Years of therapy helped me deal with my traumatic background.

Please check out my page Organizations That Can Help, the number of resources I have for Domestic Violence is fairly short but there are other resources you may need along the way listed too. There are some great blogs that discuss Domestic Violence, seek them out to learn tips on how to diffuse situations to how to prepare to leave.

I’m proud of you wherever you are in life and pray you are happy and healthy. Please remember I’m talking about what happened in my life. I won’t say I know yours or that I’m an expert, I’m not. Just a 59-year-old recalling traumatic memories. Therapy has saved my life. One thing I know is the less you keep bottled up, the better your mental health will be.

One thing you need is a couple of people to follow and learn from those who have been where you are. You’ll get ideas from following others, not only for learning but also for building your confidence. A blog I read a long time ago went as far as how to protect yourself inside the home if you are trying to get in. 

KEEP MOVING FORWARD!

Melinda