I Met My New Psychiatrist Yesterday

I felt dread and yet looked forward to meeting him. My original Psychiatrist is retiring after 32 years. I met last week to say goodbye and it is hard to see my future without him. It’s damn hard to have a foundation of 32 years turn into one meeting.

I left semi-happy, he lowered my anxiety meds right away and talked about a day when I will no longer need them but on occasion. I don’t see that picture and don’t have blind trust. I need to clarify what timeline and planet he’s on.

He noticed my tremors and wrote me a script but on second thought I don’t want to take any Beta-Blockers. I took them for my migraines and they slowed my heart rate, I felt heavy, and driving was difficult. He said a low dose would be ok but I’ll keep my tremors, I’ve had them for ages.

I had so much to think about, it was a first visit and I realize it took a while to build my relationship with Dr. T. When I arrived home I looked at his notes from our session. I was confused by a couple of things he said like I was chatty and my mood seemed elevated. I was so far from having an elevated mood, I told him that I could be dark inside and could still look him in the eye and say everything is fine. It’s my personality

We did talk about my cognitive challenges, and he said I did not have dementia but had mild cognitive impairment. I was open to finding out more and did some homework and by the definition from the Alzheimer Association he was right, I didn’t have dementia. Knowing this made me feel good but it doesn’t matter what you call it, it’s how it affects me daily. Interestingly I didn’t have any cognitive problems during our meeting.

He has a great reputation and it just takes time. My Psychiatrist is one of the most important people in my life. My husband went with me, I always take my husband. My ex didn’t believe anything was wrong with me so when David and I got married I brought him to every appointment. That is the easiest way, he can hear straight from the doctor, can back me up, or ask a question himself. But there is no question in his mind.

While spending my no electronics hour before bedtime I had a deep feeling, something was nagging at me. I realized the feelings were that of a victim. I saw myself at 7 years old hiding in my closet so my mother would not beat me. I had a little mansion for all my dolls to live in. Children that are abused learn to be invisible. Staying in my closet was my savior.

How does the mind go from talking about tremors to feeling like a victim? Trauma survivors often don’t understand or know when they will get triggered. Why was I feeling like the chair had been pulled out from under me? Once again I’m reminded that trauma never leaves you, it waits to strike.

I was deflated, swimming in emotions of the past, a victim. I don’t like feeling like a victim so it’s up to me to gain control. Pack all these emotions away and feel bad for the little child I was.

I’ll talk with my therapist about the feeling after meeting him and she can help with any lingering feelings. My therapist is also one of the most important people in my life.

I have Tardive Dyskinesia and he said taking a high dose of Vitamin E might help. That’s better than the medication, I stopped after 4 months because of side effects.

It was a wild day, I never saw the twist coming. That little girl grew up in a home of domestic violence, my stepfather would beat the hell out of my mother, and she would beat me, I could do nothing right and in her words “I was stupid”. I know better.

This isn’t related to the post directly. Even though my mother started trying to kill me at 6 months old by leaving me in the bathtub alone, it wasn’t until I turned 28 that I cut her out of my life. I was seeing my old therapist and brought her a book my mother sent me with a note written on the front. It said something like “I wasn’t the only one hurt”. My therapist grabbed the book, threw it in the trash, and said my mother didn’t deserve me. From that moment on I felt a huge relief.

I have a Telehealth appointment in two months. Telehealth is convenient but you can’t build a relationship the same as in person.

You now have a picture of what’s in my head.

Melinda