IDEAS.TED.COM

May 2, 2019 / Lenora E. Houseworth

Are you open about the areas where you want help? Respectful of your mentor’s time and advice? Here are the characteristics that can make you someone whom other people would like to guide, from mentoring researcher Victoria Black.

This post is part of TED’s “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Finding the right mentor (or mentors) can change the trajectory of your life. Many people in the working world have one, or if we don’t, we’ve looked, wondering, “Would so-and-so make a good mentor?” But when was the last time you asked yourself, “Am I a good mentee?”

If you haven’t, that’s normal. Organizations typically place much greater emphasis on mentors than on mentees, says Victoria Black, director of a peer-mentoring and coaching program at Texas State University. At the program, she saw some pairings soar and others slump, and she wondered about the different outcomes. One day she heard education professor Richard Reddick use the word “mentorability” to refer to the ability of mentees to benefit from mentoring. A lightbulb went off.

She recalls, “I thought, ‘Gosh, we’re not doing a job of putting ownership back on the mentee or, at least, not talking to them about what it means to be mentorable. Often, you just assign a mentor to a mentee and let them go. I put a lot of effort and time into training the mentor and not the same into training the mentee.” A 2017 study coauthored by Black looked at postsecondary mentoring programs at public, four-year educational institutions in her state and found that programs were four times more likely to address mentors than mentees.

The key to mentorability is an open and reciprocal partnership between mentor and mentee. Think of it as being on a long car ride together, Black says: “The mentee is the driver, and the mentor is the copilot, helping them get to their destination.” Even though they may receive a lot of input, the mentee is the person in control, and they must respond to the mentor’s advice and give continual feedback about their needs. For mentees, she says, “Success is not just having a mentor tell you or show you what to do. It’s a two-way relationship.”

Are you a good mentee? Black shares the principal characteristics of mentorability.

1. You understand the value of their time.

Your mentor is giving you that most precious and rare of commodities: their time. Show them you appreciate it by arriving on time or early to see them and not cancelling at the last minute unless there’s an emergency. Prep for your meetings, and come with questions, comments or articles to share. Then, when the two of you are together, give your mentor your complete attention. If she sends you a text or email that requires a reply, try to respond within 24 hours; if you can’t, explain why. While this may sound incredibly basic, Black says carelessness about mentors’ time has been a common complaint in pairings that have faltered.

2. You’re clear about what you’re looking for from a mentor.

People seek out mentors for different reasons. Do you want overall career guidance, or do you have a specific goal — such as finding a new job or achieving a promotion — in mind? Are you looking for a more senior colleague who will actively champion you within your organization? Or do you want general life advice? Are you someone from an underrepresented group who wants a role model from a similar background to tell you how to navigate particular obstacles? The more specifically you can articulate your expectations and objectives, the more likely you are to receive the guidance you’d like.

Many of us feel like we want to show only our best face to prospective mentors, but you may need to expose your problems and limitations. One of Black’s most rewarding mentees was a student who was in danger of failing out of school. He showed up at her office and, she says, “admitted he was struggling in college and said he wanted to change.” After three semesters of weekly meetings with her and adhering to her schedules and timelines, he was able to get off academic probation and has gone on to succeed.

Showing vulnerability is equally important in your ongoing partnership. When she asked a group of mentors about mentees, she says, “They wanted somebody to be realistic, to be real with them and not sugar-coat their experiences but talk about their flaws in ways that helped them grow.”

3. You can accept input, advice and — sometimes — criticism.

You’ve turned to a mentor because they have knowledge or experience that you don’t possess. However, cautions Black, “you may not like what you hear all the time. Be ready to receive their feedback, and then decide whether or not you want to take it.”

If you disagree with them, examine your attitude. Remember, their advice most likely comes from a positive impulse: their desire to help you grow. Black says, “Ask yourself, Why do I not agree? Why does this make me feel uncomfortable? Is this pushing me past my boundaries?” Your reluctance may have more to do with a fear of leaving your comfort zone or an unwillingness to change than the quality of their instructions. It’s also possible that their suggestions may not fit your larger objective, so if this is the case, let them know.

If you decide not to follow their guidance, it’s still important to express your gratitude. After all, they’ve put time and thought into what they told you. Black has seen some mentees simply ignore input they don’t like. Social media has affected our behavior, she explains, “that if we don’t like what somebody has to say, we don’t think we need to respond.”

Instead, be your best self. In person or over email or text, say a simple “thank you”and briefly and politely explain your decision. As in any healthy partnership, communication is critical. Your feedback will enable your mentor to learn how they can best coach you. “With the best intentions, mentors might give you advice that works for them, but it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to work for you,” says Black. “Finding the best way for the mentee to thrive on their own and helping them make their own decisions is what good mentoring partnerships are about.”

4. For the lifespan of your relationship, you keep asking, “Am I a good mentee?” 

Periodic reassessment is an important part of the process, according to Black. Two other questions to reflect on: “Am I committed to this partnership?” and “How can I be a a better mentee?”

5. You’re open to whatever you can learn from your mentor. 

While you may not get what you want or expect from your partnership, it can still be immensely valuable. “Not all relationships are meant to be fruitful,” says Black. “That doesn’t mean they can’t help you develop.” Maybe you’ll come out of it with new information, a new skill, a new perspective, or a new friendship.

Watch her TEDxTexasStateUniversity talk now:https://www.youtube.com/embed/JzqyKn0IFO0?version=3&rel=1&showsearch=0&showinfo=1&iv_load_policy=1&fs=1&hl=en-US&autohide=2&wmode=transparent

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Lenora E. Houseworth is a social media strategist and writer with a passion for communication and culture, and she is based in the New York City area.

IDEAS.TED.COM

Mar 31, 2020 / Mitch Resnick

Turns out, it’s less about “teaching” creativity to children — and more about creating a fertile environment in which their creativity will take root, grow and flourish. Researcher Mitch Resnick, director of the Lifelong Kindergarten Group at MIT, explains how we can do this.

There’s a common misconception that the best way to encourage children’s creativity is simply to get out of the way and let them be creative. Although it’s certainly true that children are naturally curious and inquisitive, they need support to develop their creative capacities and reach their full creative potential. Supporting children’s development is always a balancing act: how much structure, how much freedom; when to step in, when to step back; when to show, when to tell, when to ask, when to listen.

In putting together this list, I am combining tips for parents and teachers, because I think the core issues for cultivating creativity are the same, whether you’re in the home or in the classroom. The key challenge is not how to “teach” creativity to children, but rather how to create a fertile environment in which their creativity will take root, grow, and flourish.

The list is organized around the five components of what I call the Creative Learning Spiral, a process that encourages children to imagine what they want to do, create projects through playing with tools and materials, share ideas and creations with others, and reflect on their experiences.

For each of these five components, I’ve suggested two tips. However, these tips are just a very small subset of all of the things you might ask and do to cultivate children’s creativity. View them as a representative sample, and come up with more of your own.

IMAGINE

1. Show examples to spark ideas

A blank page, a blank canvas, and a blank screen can be intimidating. A collection of examples can help spark the imagination. When we run Scratchworkshops, we always start by showing sample projects — to give a sense of what’s possible (inspirational projects) and to provide ideas on how to get started (starter projects). We show a diverse range of projects, in hopes of connecting with the interests and passions of workshop participants.

Of course, there’s a risk that children will simply mimic or copy the examples that they see. That’s OK as a start, but only as a start. Encourage them to change or modify the examples. Suggest that they insert their own voice or add their own personal touch. What might they do differently? How can they add their own style, connect to their own interests? How can they make it their own?

2. Encourage messing around

Most people assume that imagination takes place in the head, but the hands are just as important. To help children generate ideas for projects, we often encourage them to start messing around with materials. As children play with LEGO bricks or tinker with craft materials, new ideas emerge. What started as an aimless activity becomes the beginning of an extended project.

We’ll sometimes organize mini hands-on activities to get children started. For example, we’ll ask children to put a few LEGO bricks together, then pass the structure to a friend to add a few more, then continue back and forth. After a few iterations, children often have new ideas for things they want to build.

CREATE

3. Provide a wide variety of materials

Children are deeply influenced by the toys, tools and materials in the world around them. To engage children in creative activities, make sure they have access to a broad diversity of materials for drawing, building and crafting. New technologies, like robotics kits and 3-D printers, can expand the range of what children create, but don’t overlook traditional materials. A Computer Clubhouse coordinator was embarrassed to admit to me that her members were making their own dolls with “nylons, newspapers, and bird seed,” without any advanced technology, but I thought their projects were great.

Different materials are good for different things. LEGO bricks and popsicle sticks are good for making skeletons, felt and fabric are good for making skins, and Scratch is good for making things that move and interact. Pens and markers are good for drawing, and glue guns and duct tape are good for holding things together. The greater the diversity of materials, the greater the opportunity for creative projects.

4. Embrace all types of making

Different children are interested in different types of making. Some enjoy making houses and castles with LEGO bricks. Some enjoy making games and animations with Scratch. Others enjoy making jewelry or soapbox race cars or desserts—or miniature golf courses.

Writing a poem or a short story is a type of making, too. Children can learn about the creative design process through all of these activities. Help children find the type of making that resonates for them. Even better: Encourage children to engage in multiple types of making. That way, they’ll get an even deeper understanding of the creative design process.

PLAY

5. Emphasize process, not product

Many of the best learning experiences happen when people are actively engaged in making things, but that doesn’t mean we should put all our attention on the things that are made. Even more important is the process through which things are made.

As children work on projects, highlight the process, not just the final product. Ask children about their strategies and their sources of inspiration. Encourage experimentation by honoring failed experiments as much as successful ones. Allocate times for children to share the intermediate stages of their projects and discuss what they plan to do next and why.

6. Extend time for projects

It takes time for children to work on creative projects, especially if they’re constantly tinkering, experimenting and exploring new ideas (as we hope they will). Trying to squeeze projects into the constraints of a standard 50-minute school period — or even a few 50-minute periods over the course of a week — undermines the whole idea of working on projects. It discourages risk taking and experimentation, and it puts a priority on efficiently getting to the “right” answer within the allotted time. For an incremental change, schedule double periods for projects. For a more dramatic change, set aside particular days or weeks (or months) when students work on nothing but projects in school.

SHARE

7. Play the role of matchmaker

Many children want to share ideas and collaborate on projects, but they’re not sure how. You can play the role of matchmaker, helping children find others to work with. In the Scratch online community, we have organized month-long Collab Camps to help Scratchers find others to work with — and also to learn strategies for collaborating effectively.

8. Get involved as a collaborator

Parents and mentors sometimes get too involved in children’s creative projects, telling children what to do or grabbing the keyboard to show them how to fix a problem; other parents and mentors don’t get involved at all. There is a sweet spot in between, where adults and children form true collaborations on projects. When both sides are committed to working together, everyone has a lot to gain.

A great example is Ricarose Roque’s Family Creative Learning initiative, in which parents and children work together on projects at local community centers over five sessions. By the end of the experience, parents and children have new respect for one another’s abilities, and relationships are strengthened.

REFLECT

9. Ask (authentic) questions

It’s great for children to immerse themselves in projects, but it’s also important for them to step back to reflect on what’s happening. You can encourage children to reflect by asking them questions about their projects. I often start by asking: “How did you come up with the idea for this project?” It’s an authentic question: I really want to know! The question prompts them to reflect on what motivated and inspired them.

Another of my favorite questions: “What’s been most surprising to you?” This question pushes them away from just describing the project and toward reflecting on their experience. If something goes wrong with a project, I’ll often ask: “What did you want it to do?” In describing what they were trying to do, they often recognize where they went wrong, without any further input from me.

10. Share your own reflections

Most parents and teachers are reluctant to talk with children about their own thinking processes. Perhaps they don’t want to expose that they’re sometimes confused or unsure in their thinking. But talking with children about your own thinking process is the best gift you could give them.

It’s important for children to know that thinking is hard work for everyone—for adults as well as children. And it’s useful for children to hear your strategies for working on projects and thinking through problems. By hearing your reflections, children will be more open to reflecting on their own thinking, and they’ll have a better model of how to do it. Imagine the children in your life as creative thinking apprentices; you’re helping them learn to become creative thinkers by demonstrating and discussing how you do it.

This article was originally published on the MIT Press Reader site.

Watch Mitch Resnick’s TED Talk here:https://embed.ted.com/talks/mitch_resnick_let_s_teach_kids_to_code

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mitch Resnick is professor of learning research at the MIT Media Lab. His research group develops the Scratch programming software and online community, the world’s largest coding platform for kids. He has worked closely with the LEGO company on educational ideas and products, such as the LEGO Mindstorms robotics kits, and he co-founded the Computer Clubhouse project, an international network of after-school learning centers for youth from low-income communities. He is the author of “Lifelong Kindergarten,” from which this article is adapted.

The reality is when you’re in your optimal sleep groove, pretty much everything else in life corrects itself. How much is best? Well, it depends on the individual. Too much or too little sleep has been linked to impaired brain function. Older adults who consistently get 6 to 8 hours of sleep per night delay […]

Sleep: What is the sweet spot? — Soul Script

IDEAS.TED.COM

Sep 7, 2021 / Wendy Suzuki PhD

Good Anxiety is the title of the new book from NYU neuroscientist Wendy Suzuki PhD — but it’s one that will surprise those of us who think of anxiety as strictly bad news. However, through her work, Suzuki has come to find, as she writes, that “anxiety can shift from something we try to avoid and get rid of to something that is both informative and beneficial.”

The key is taking the information that your anxiety is telling you and using it to live in ways that support your well-being. Below, she explains how to evaluate the ways you cope with stress and change them for the better.

In the face of stressors and the anxiety they often trigger, we all develop coping strategies to manage and get ourselves back on track. These go-to behaviors or thought processes often function automatically, beneath our conscious awareness, and many were developed when we were younger and less mindful.

We developed these coping mechanisms to self-soothe or avoid uncomfortable feelings. But when these coping mechanisms stop working to manage stress, they tend to make matters worse, exacerbating our anxiety and undermining our belief that we are in control of our lives.

If you cope in ways that are productive for you, then your anxiety is probably under control. But if you cope in ways that undermine your health, job, safety or relationships, it may be time to consider your options.

What’s more, our coping strategies often reflect our relationship to anxiety.If you cope in ways that are productive for you, then you probably have your anxiety under control. If you cope with stress in ways that undermine your health, job, safety or relationships, it may be time to consider your options.

In general, coping mechanisms are considered to be either adaptive (good at helping us manage the stress) or maladaptive (bad for us because they cause other damage, through avoiding a problem that then gets bigger or giving us another problem, as with alcohol dependence or abuse). When the feelings underneath these behaviors are left untouched or unprocessed, those components of anxiety will grow and stay stuck. Then our negative coping behaviors only end up reinforcing our inability to manage or regulate our feelings.

Take Liza, a hard-driving career woman. A graduate of a top-ranked business school, she dove into a career in financial services and is well liked and well respected by colleagues. But suddenly she’s 41 with no life outside of work. She’s a workaholic, and up until now all of this dedication and motivation to succeed has paid dividends to her bank account and sense of self-worth.

But lately she goes home to her apartment feeling totally burned out. She drinks three to four glasses of wine to relax and fall asleep. Her alarm gets her up at 5AM so she can go for a run and make it to the office by 7AM. This is her cycle and it has worked for her for years, but not anymore. Liza now wakes up already feeling depleted. She is lonely, plagued with self-doubt, and beginning to question what is driving her so hard.

Then, if you respond by isolating yourself, you remove the opportunity for encouragement and support from your social relationships and take away a vital bad-anxiety buffer.

To better understand how this happens, it can help to take a look at what is actually happening in the body when bad anxiety takes the wheel. In short:

• When your brain-body is under chronic strain from anxiety, your capacity to manage emotions becomes downregulated — less effective at responding to internal or external stimuli. You become highly sensitive to stress of any kind and can begin to feel self-doubts and a loss of confidence.

• Next, when your body is depleted and doesn’t get enough restorative time and rest, it will not be able to kick up your motivation, the predominant emotion of a positive mindset. This inability to reset further erodes the capacity to maintain emotion regulation.

• Then, if you respond by isolating yourself, you remove the opportunity for encouragement and support from your social relationships and thereby take away a vital bad-anxiety buffer.

• Further, if you look to drugs or alcohol for relief, you may unintentionally exacerbate your anxiety once the “high” has passed. Indeed, drugs and alcohol act as a depressant on the nervous system. They also interfere with the brain-body’s processing of dopamine and serotonin, giving you a false sense of relief from anxiety.

It is entirely possible to change your current negative ways of coping with anxiety and also their underlying effects on your brain and body.

These responses represent a downregulation in functioning of various neural pathways of the brain-body. Yet for all these negative coping strategies and their drawbacks, a silver lining can emerge: It is entirely possible to change your current negative ways of coping with anxiety and also their underlying effects on your brain-body.

Restoring emotion regulation requires energy, curiosity and recognizing that you have a choice. But it is absolutely possible for any of us to learn to recognize signs of our own physical depletion and/or emotional dysregulation and begin to make changes. This is the essence of how using good anxiety works.

When you are anxious or upset what do you typically do to calm yourself? Without overthinking, read through the following common negative coping techniques. Which are familiar to you?

Negative Ways to Cope

• Use or abuse alcohol or drugs
• Act violently toward others
• Act out or misbehave on purpose
• Avoid conflict
• Rationalize or blame others for your problems
• Deny there is a problem
• Repress or forget what has happened
• Behave like someone you are not
• Disassociate yourself from a situation
• Exhibit controlling behavior
• Become a workaholic
• Isolate yourself and withdraw from activities and others
• Feel like you need to control or manipulate others
• Refuse to communicate
• Fantasize regularly
• Catastrophize
• Help others over helping yourself

Next, go through the list of positive coping techniques — these are beneficial ways of managing anxiety.

Positive Ways to Cope

• Name your feelings, positive or negative
• Control your anger
• Practice self-reflection
• Seek support from friends and family
• Communicate or talk about your feelings
• Exercise
• Participate in hobbies and/or sports
• Spend time outdoors
• Consider a situation from another point of view
• Remain flexible and open to new ways of thinking
• Keep a journal or engage in another form of conscious self-reflection
• Spend quality time with family, partner, friends
• Use positive self-talk and affirmations
• Meditate or pray
• Clean or organize your workspace or home
• Seek support from a health professional when you need it
• Playing or being with a pet or children

Without judging yourself, ask yourself this: What, if any, of your go-to ways of coping with stress are helping you? Are any hindering you, or having unwanted secondary effects? Also, which of these coping strategies could you do more of?

The more you stay unaware of how your coping mechanisms are no longer benefiting you or giving you the mental break you need, the more intense your bad anxiety will be.

It’s important to be aware of how we respond to stress and feelings of anxiety. The use of more than two or three negative coping strategies can be an indication of being stuck in bad anxiety; on the other hand, use of positive coping strategies shows a tolerance of stress and flexibility around emotions.

Our relationship with anxiety likely changes over time, as does our ability to process it, so our coping strategies necessarily have to be updated and ones that are maladaptive need to be addressed. And sometimes this process requires some work.

The more you stay unaware of how your coping mechanisms are no longer benefiting you or giving you the mental break you need, the more intense your bad anxiety will be and the more entrenched your negative coping strategies will become. But once you see your situation for what it truly is — a case of an overdue update to your coping strategies — you’ll be able to start changing aspects of your situation and orient yourself to a more satisfying life.

Excerpted from the new book Good Anxiety: Harnessing the Power of the Most Misunderstood Emotion by Wendy Suzuki PhD with Billie Fitzpatrick. Copyright © 2021 by Wendy Suzuki PhD. Reprinted by permission of Atria Books, a Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

Watch Dr. Wendy Suzuki’s TED Talk about the transformative power of exercise here: 

Visiting your doctor is something that’s encouraged that you do every now and then, but is there really a need for it? Well, depending on the individual, you might have to either visit frequently or not at all. Your needs are most important, but it’s encouraged that you make sure you’ve had your health checked from time to time; and that you make time for the check-up when possible. It generally doesn’t take long to have your health checked, so even if you go once every few years, you can at least relax knowing you’re in good health.

It’s been a while

If you can’t remember the last time you visited a medical professional, that should be a good sign that you need to pay them a visit. It’s recommended that you make an attempt to visit at least every 2 years, or less depending on your health. If you’ve been perfectly healthy, some find it acceptable to only visit once every 5 years. In any case, if you’re concerned about your health since your last visit, you should make sure you schedule an appointment when you next have time.

You have persistent issues

You don’t have to call your doctor over every cough or sneeze, but when you’re having repeating conditions that don’t seem to stop – that’s when it should be concerning. There’s nothing wrong with having a common cough, it can be that and nothing else. If you’ve had a cough on and off for a month; you should consider contacting your doctor about it. Even if it’s just a phone call, giving yourself a moment to talk about it with a professional could give you some insight into it.

These problems won’t go away on their own, and if you leave them hoping that they will – they could get worse. A simple cough could turn into an infection, for which you’ll need antibiotics that your doctor can prescribe.

Embarrassing conditions

If there are any conditions you’ve noticed but are too embarrassed to do anything about, you should try to see a doctor regardless. A lot of medical professionals exercise discretion. For example, a sexual health clinic would make sure your symptoms or conditions are treated professionally and discretely. No matter the concern you have, embarrassing or not, you should make sure it gets checked.

Questions about medication

If you’ve recently considered taking on a new medication and you have pre-existing conditions or prescriptions, you should speak to your doctor about it. There are a lot of pills and capsules that will have negative effects on your health if the body is already experiencing something it clashes with. Go to your doctor with the new medication so that they can figure out whether or not it’s something you should take. If it does seem to cause problems with the pills you’re already taking, your doctor might prescribe alternatives that provide the same effect. In any case, you should leave it up to the medical professionals.

This is a collaborative post.

Melinda

Whether we like it or not, we’re all going to get older – it’s an inevitability. What isn’t an inevitability, however, are the sicknesses, aches and pains, and loss of memory that is often seen as part and parcel of getting old. 

Although none of us can ever totally prevent the possibility of ill health, there are so many things we can all do to lower our personal risks and age as well as possible. Here are a few of the most effective:

Eat and drink well

It seems like this is always the advice, but the fact of the matter is that eating a healthy diet and drinking plenty of water while moderating your alcohol intake is the most important factor in your present and future health.

Eating a balanced diet that is rich in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and oily fish will ensure that you get all the vitamins and minerals you need to protect your health and keep your brain firing on all cylinders.

Do puzzles
Puzzles like crosswords and sudoku and memory games for seniors are not only a  lot of fun, but they also help to keep your mind active. The more you use your brain on a daily basis, the fear brain cells you will lose as you age and the less likely you will be to develop issues like Alzheimer’s.

Obviously, when it comes to your health there are no guarantees, but a daily challenge to the brain could work wonders.

Take care of your teeth

You only get one set of adult teeth, so it’s really important that you do whatever you can to take care of them. As a minimum, you should brush and floss daily and see your dentist at regular intervals throughout the year. Doing this will not only help to protect against tooth loss and the wearing of dentures but since gum disease has been linked to illnesses such as diabetes, heart disease, and stroke, it could also help to prevent serious health issues too.

Pixabay – CCO Licence

Be active

Ideally, if you want to age well, you should be active every single day of your life. Whether it’s going for a brisk walk after dinner or hitting the gym for a tough workout, you need to keep moving if you want to maintain bone density, prevent strokes, diabetes, and heart disease and maintain good mental health. Active seniors are also less likely to have fallen, so although you may not be a senior now, you need to put the work in so that when you are older, you’re better able to cope and your quality of life is vastly improved.

Schedule regular health appointments

Perhaps most importantly of all, if you want to age well, you should make an effort to look after your health by having regular physical exams, hearing tests, and preventative treatments. If you avoid healthcare professionals like the plague, you’re less likely to catch issues early before they become a bigger problem.

Live well and look after yourself now and you can expect to live well and have a great life as you get older!

This is a collaborative post.

Melinda