IDEAS.TED.COM

Jun 29, 2021 / Brianne Patrice + Taylor Blossom

Nadine Redlich

When people are trying out a new therapist, they often tend to put the therapist in the driver’s seat during their initial sessions. But this isn’t quite right — the client should be an equal partner too. What else should people keep in mind during that process? And how can they figure out if a therapist is right for them? 

To answer these questions, Brianne Patrice, executive director of Sad Girls Club, a nonprofit dedicated to destigmatizing mental health and wellness in the Black and brown community, spoke with Taylor Blossom, clinical mental health therapist and practitioner at Well WildFlower. The following advice was adapted from that conversation. 

1. If you’re a person of color or a member of the LGBTQIA+ community or another specific community, think about how important it is for you to find a therapist who identifies with your lived experience 

In most cases, you’re going to foster a relationship easier and quicker with someone who is similar to you. I don’t think it’s impossible to find an excellent therapist who is different from you, but I do think it’s easier to do therapy with someone who’s more like you, especially if it’s your first time easing into that space.

You should also consider your particular issues. For instance, if you’re going to therapy because the world is feeling heavy and you’re trying to process and navigate what it means to be a Black person, then a Black therapist will likely be of most benefit.

Personally, as a woman of color, I will only see a therapist of color because I think all my experiences are shaped by that context in my life. But not everybody thinks like that, so consider your issues and how they affect you.

2. In your first session, ask the therapist about their style 

I love it when first-time clients ask about my therapeutic framework, which is basically a therapist’s perspective and how they think problems are best solved. There are several different therapeutic frameworks — some common ones are psychoanalysis, cognitive behavioral therapy and person-centered therapy.

But I know when I first started therapy, I had no idea what a therapeutic framework was. So another way you can find out their approach is by asking them: “How do you do therapy?”

Their answers — whether it’s to the therapeutic framework question or to the “how do you do therapy” question — will tell you how they intend to work with you. For example, I’m a person-centered therapist so in our time together, I’m going to want to talk about all of the aspects of your life. It’s my treatment plan to address all of you, the whole person.

Meanwhile, a cognitive behavioral therapist will ask you about your thoughts and the behaviors that go along with them, while a psychoanalytic therapist would want to explore how you grew up and how you feel like that’s impacting you now.

If you’re going into therapy with a clear intention of what you want to work on in yourself, you’re going to want a style that goes along with that. In this case, it can be worth your doing some research on frameworks beforehand. But if you’re unsure about what you want to explore, you may find that different frameworks or styles could work for you.

Also, ask your therapist about what sort of homework they typically prescribe to clients and what activities they like to do in their sessions. Many therapists do more than just talk — they may incorporate art therapy, movement therapy, sound, healing or meditations.

3. And expect to be asked about your previous experiences with therapy  

One of the first questions a therapist will ask when meeting a new client is: “Have you been in therapy before?” If your answer is yes, their next question will usually be: “What worked for you and what didn’t?” And if your answer is no, the next question should be, “What do you think your goal is for this space?”

So before you go into your first session, think about how you’ll respond because how you answer these questions will be incredibly helpful — both for you and for your therapist.

4. If you’ve never been to a therapist before, here’s how to figure out the right type of person for you  

One way to evaluate whether they’re a good fit for you is to think about who you normally ask for help in your life — whether it’s a sibling, parent or close friend. What about that relationship and how they relate to you are most helpful to you?

Some people just need to vent, other people want feedback, other people want tools and to know what they can do next, and others want a mixture of both. If you already know what helps you, then you can know what kind of therapist you’re looking for.

Keep in mind that therapy is 100 percent your time. Your therapist should not have their own agenda. They should not have anything but themselves and their internal resourcing to show up and respond to what you’re bringing up.

5. Give yourself six sessions to see whether they’re a good fit for you

In the US, six sessions is typically the minimum amount of time that therapists are given to come up with a diagnosis (something they need to do for these sessions to be covered by health insurance). But even if your therapist is not covered by health insurance, six weeks is still a good amount of time to spend with them.

Why? It’s because we’re ever-evolving as people. At your first session, even though you’re being vulnerable, you’ll likely show up as the best version of you. In other words, the therapist will be in the teacher seat and you’ll be in the student seat, trying to be the best student possible. Even though you may not consciously be playing that role, it’s what most of us have internalized.

Over six sessions, the therapist can observe how you fluctuate. They’ll get more information about how you handle problems outside of therapy and in the real world, which can give them insight into an appropriate treatment plan. And by treatment plan, I don’t mean something as formal as “We’re going to talk about X for X weeks and then do Y.” I just mean how we’re going to deal with whatever is showing up for you.

For a therapist, with some clients it’s easier to see where you’re headed sooner. Some people show up to therapy more ready to do the work than others; they already have their questions and areas to explore. Other people are like, “I’m just here because I feel like I should be, but I don’t know what I’m looking for.” There is no one right way, so I think trying each other out for six weeks should be a standard. That said, if you feel they are absolutely wrong for you, it’s OK to stop seeing them sooner.

6. Your six sessions are over, and the therapist isn’t right for you — be direct  

Make your exit similar to how you’d end any other relationship in your life — with respect and with transparency. In your last session, the top three things you should communicate are 1) what didn’t work for you; 2) why you feel now is the time for you to terminate therapy with them; 3) and what you think the therapist could improve on. Since they are someone who’ll be seeing other clients, you want to help them help the next person who will come to them.

Try not to ghost on your therapist. If I were seeing you every week for six weeks, I’m going to worry about your mental health if you’re just gone.

Yes, it will be awkward to give them criticism, but if you can’t model that awkwardness in therapy — which is a safe space for you to do just that — how will you do it in the other parts of your life?

7. When you find the right therapist … 

My number-one takeaway is to allow therapy to act as a model space for the rest of your life. It’s your space, so make it yours. It’s the one time and place you get to be as vulnerable and as open as you want, without consequences. So use it to try out some of those things that are uncomfortable for you in the real world.

This post is part of TED’s “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from people in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

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ABOUT THE AUTHORS

Brianne Patrice is a mental health advocate and sensuality doula. She is the executive director of Sad Girls Club, a nonprofit dedicated to destigmatizing the conversation around mental health and wellness within the black and brown community and is founder of Twenty Nine Thirty, a restorative community connecting the dots between sensuality, sexuality, healing and wellness. 

Taylor Blossom is a clinical mental health therapist and practitioner whose work specializes in therapeutic consulting, workshop facilitation, and guided meditations for individuals, groups, and companies. Through her impassioned belief that there is space for us all to blossom in the direction of the highest good, Taylor works as the Founder and CEO of Well Wildflower – a community wellness garden for Black women and women of color, host of the hit well-being podcast The Blossom Pod, and a Soul Sessions facilitator for Sad Girls Club.

IDEAS.TED.COM

Feb 4, 2019 / Daryl Chen

Alice Mollon

Most of us have been in its grip before — the alarm goes off, our mind starts whirring away, and before we know it, we’ve done a freefall into worry. Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett has been there, too, and she tells us how we can stop the spiral.

This post is part of TED’s “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community. To see all the posts, go here. 

How often does this happen to you?

“You wake up, and as you’re emerging into consciousness, you feel this horrible dread, this real wretchedness. Immediately, your mind starts to race,” says neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett. “You think about all the crap that you have to do at work — you have that mountain of email which you will never dig yourself out of, the phone calls you have to return, and that important meeting across town. You’re going to have to fight traffic, you’ll be late picking your kids up, your dog is sick, and what are you going to make for dinner? Oh my God. What is wrong with my life?”

OK, you may not have the dog, the kids or the meeting across town, but what about the rest — the cascading catalog of to-dos, the sinking feeling that you’re behind even before your day has started, and the headlong tumble into despair?

Whew.

According to Barrett, those last two sentences of the above scenario — the “Oh my God. What is wrong with my life?” part — are especially treacherous. Why? Because too often we come to the sweeping and inaccurate conclusion that our life stinks.

But we don’t have to take this misery lying down, says Barrett. Through her research at the Affective Science Laboratory at Northeastern University in Boston, she has come to some mind-shaking realizations about human emotions. Contrary to what many of us think, our emotions are neither hard-wired into our brains nor are they out of our control. Instead, our emotions are guesses that our brains generate on the fly, based upon our past experiences.

As she explains in her book How Emotions Are Made — read an excerpt here — “Anytime you feel miserable, it’s because you are experiencing an unpleasant effect due to physical sensations. Your brain will try to predict causes for those sensations, and the more concepts you know and the more instances you can construct, the more effectively you can recategorize to manage your emotions and regulate your behavior.”

When we start that AM spiral into anxiety, as Barrett explains, “Your brain is searching to find an explanation for those sensations in your body that you experience as wretchedness.” But, she adds, “Those sensations might not be an indication that anything is wrong with your life … Maybe you’re tired. Maybe you didn’t sleep enough. Maybe you’re hungry. Maybe you’re dehydrated.”

So, the next time you feel gripped by morning dread, she suggests you ask yourself: “Could this have a purely physical cause?”

Check in and see: What’s going on with your body? When the alarm went off, were you roused from a deep sleep and you’re rattled as a result? Or, perhaps you’re too hot, too cold, achy or itchy …

Barrett says, “You have the capacity to turn down the dial on emotional suffering and its consequences for your life by learning how to construct your experiences differently

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Daryl Chen is the Ideas Editor at TED.

Psychology Today

Posted June 25, 2021 

A meta-analysis examines the link between depression and dietary/serum zinc.

KEY POINTS

• Zinc is an essential mineral needed for growth. It plays a key role in many physiological processes, such as healthy immune function.
• Lower zinc intake and blood levels have been linked with symptoms of depression.
• Zinc supplementation may be advisable for depressed patients who do not get sufficient zinc in their diet or have trouble absorbing zinc.

Source: stecks05/Pixabay (modifications: Arash Emamzadeh)

A paper in press in General Hospital Psychiatry, and written by Yosaee and colleagues (from Iran and the UK), reports evidence for the benefits of zinc in depression.

What is Zinc?

Zinc is a micronutrient (an essential mineral needed for growth and development). Zinc plays a role in many physiological processes, such as DNAsynthesis, protein production, cell growth, healthy immune function, sense of taste and smell, and the functioning of countless enzymes. Food sources of zinc include animal proteins (e.g., chicken, red meat, and seafood, particularly oysters), but also whole grains, nuts, and legumes.

Zinc supplements have been used for the treatment of a variety of conditions (e.g., colds, wound healing, diarrhea). However, consuming too much zinc can be harmful, so zinc supplements are not usually recommended for healthy people unless they do not get sufficient zinc from food sources or have trouble absorbing zinc.

For example, zinc supplements are sometimes recommended for vegetarians and vegans, individuals with alcohol problems and certain digestive conditions (e.g., inflammatory bowel diseases), and pregnantwomen.

Low zinc levels have been linked with a variety of health conditions (e.g., skin conditions, infections), including mental illness, especially depression. The review by Yosaee et al., described below, investigated the relationship between zinc and depression.

A Review of the Link Between Depression and Zinc Levels

The review began with a search of several databases (e.g., PubMed) for keywords “depression” and “zinc.” Original observational studies and randomized controlled trials (RCTs) in adult populations were included if they used depression as an outcome and zinc as an intervention or exposure factor.

The search resulted in 4,245 articles, from which 13 observational investigations (four cohort and nine cross-sectional designs) and seven RCTs met the final criteria.

• Characteristics of the RCTs: 319 participants; 2-12 weeks in duration.
• Characteristics of the observational research: 27,296 participants in cross-sectional investigations and 15,852 in cohort investigations.

The meta-analysis of the seven RCTs showed zinc supplementation was associated with a reduction in depression [weighted mean difference (WMD) = −4.15 point; 95% confidence intervals (CI): −6.56, −1.75 point; P < 0.01)].

Furthermore, zinc supplementation reduced depression scores in patients with depression who were not receiving antidepressants.

The results from the four cohort studies showed the highest zinc intake was linked with a nearly 28 percent reduction in the risk of depression [Relative Risks (RR): 0.66; 95% CI: 0.50, 0.82)].

And an analysis of the nine cross-sectional studies found having high zinc levels (serum zinc concentration combined with dietary zinc) was inversely linked with the risk for depression [RR: 0.61; 95% CI: 0.51, 0.70].

In summary, data from different types of studies showed an association between zinc levels and depression.

So, why might zinc be related to a lower risk for depression? The potential mechanisms are speculative and complicated—involving a variety of factors, like oxidative stress, N-methyl-D-aspartate (NMDA), brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF), neurogenesis, cortisol, neural plasticity, and the endocrine and immune system.

Concluding Thoughts on Zinc for Depression

Here is a summary of the main findings of the meta-analysis:

• Many depressed individuals appeared to have zinc insufficiency or zinc deficiency (determined by the amount of zinc in their blood and diet).
• In cohort investigations, a 28 percent reduction in the risk of depression was seen in those with the highest zinc intake.
• In patients with depression who were not treated with antidepressants, zinc supplementation significantly reduced depression.
• The antidepressant effects of zinc supplementation were most pronounced in patients with mild to moderate depression.

The researchers note their findings may not be generalizable to healthy individuals (e.g., those without depression). Furthermore, most of the studies used in the analysis were limited in geographical location. Though some of these came from multiple countries (e.g., Germany, Finland, the U.S.), the majority were conducted in Iran and Australia. Therefore, one must await the replication of these findings. And given the correlational nature of the data (i.e. correlation does not mean causation), firm conclusions regarding the effects of zinc on depression cannot be drawn.

Nevertheless, this is not the first review to have observed a link between zinc and depression.

For instance, a 2013 meta-analysis noted depression correlated with lower blood concentration of zinc. That review, based on data from 1,643 depressed patients, concluded, “zinc concentrations were approximately −1.85 mmol/L lower in depressed subjects than control subjects,” and “greater depression severity was associated with greater relative zinc deficiency.” A more recent meta-analysis also found dietary zinc intake was linked with a lower risk for depression. In short, the relationship between zinc and depression is worthy of further research.

If you are depressed and are considering taking zinc supplements—especially if you are not getting enough zinc in your diet or have trouble absorbing zinc—please consult your physician first. As noted earlier, taking too much zinc is harmful, so it is important to determine how much zinc your body requires.

Arash Emamzadeh attended the University of British Columbia in Canada, where he studied genetics and psychology. He has also done graduate work in clinical psychology and neuropsychology in the U.S.

Children are learning a lot more from an earlier age. One area, in particular, they are becoming more accustomed to is technology. In fact, a lot of parents remark that their six-year-old daughter knows how to operate a computer better than they do. One of the main reasons for this is the huge array of games available on the Internet. In this guide, we will look at the relationship between children and mobile phones in further detail.

Transition to mobile technology

Children are not merely stopping at desktop computers and laptops anymore. More and more children are getting used to mobile technology through gaming as well. This is because of the wealth of different gaming apps available. Nowadays children can get their favorite games available through their very own mobile phone. This means that they can play games on the way to and from school. They can also play games when someone else from the family is using the computer. They can even play a few gaming apps whilst they are in bed. Mobile technology presents more gaming opportunities and, therefore, it is little surprise that children are deciding to use it. For parents, this means they need to source cost-effective packages, and they also need to make a dedicated effort to make sure that their children are not on their phones too much. 

Playing with their friends

Mobile technology allows children to play against each other even if they are not together. Children usually simply need to connect to the WiFi connection in their home and they can then speak to their friends and play against them via the different apps that are available. Furthermore, gaming through using mobile phones is easier to do together than playing via a laptop or computer is. After all, it is unlikely your children and their friends will take their computers with them whenever they meet up. Moreover, it is hard for all of the children to gather around the computer and play. However, a mobile phone is small and compact and therefore all children can sit together and play on their smartphones.

Mobile technology is taking over

It is great that children are embracing mobile technology through gaming because the mobile Internet is booming. People can access their emails anywhere, they can log on to Facebook when they are on the train, they can play games whenever they like, and this is the reason why mobile internet is only going to rise. The fact that children are adapting to this is only going to serve them well later in life. While you need to monitor activity, it is also important that children are prepared for the connected world. You can redirect texts and use software to monitor your child. 

All in all, there is no denying that mobile technology is taking over, and it is wise for our children to get used to this. However, it should not take over their lives and their usage does need to be monitored. 

This is a collaborative post

Melinda

Psych Central

• Name it
• Stay calm
• Give them space
• Coping statement
• Helping via text
• Panic disorder
• What to avoid
• Warning signs
• Look after yourself

When someone you love is having a panic attack, it can be tricky to know how to help. By responding with understanding and empathy, you can make a true difference.

Whether it’s your friend, relative, or partner, chances are you know someone who has had, or will have, a panic attack. If you happen to be nearby when it happens, it’s only natural to want to do everything in your power to understand and support them. 

Research shows that at least 13%Trusted Source of people will experience a panic attack in their lifetime.

In the United States, 1 in 3 people will have an anxiety disorder at some point in their lives, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. Statistics show that women are twice as likely as men to have a panic disorder.

If your loved one is having a panic attack, there are several ways you can help. With a few research-backed techniques, you’ll be better equipped to provide support. 

1. Name it

Gently name it, and tell your loved one that you believe they are having a panic attack. This can provide some context for what’s happening and relieve the fear of the unknown. 

You can let them know that it will pass. Panic attacks can last anywhere from 5 to 30 minutes, though the worst symptoms usually subside within 10 minutes, according to the Anxiety & Depression Association of American (ADAA). 

If this is the first time your loved one has had a panic attack, it might be advisable to seek medical attention to rule out other causes of their symptoms.

The symptoms of a panic attack can include: 

• rush of intense fear
• feeling of impending doom
• sudden fear of death
• feeling of losing control
• sweating
• shaking
• heart palpitations
• difficulty breathing
• chest pain

Everyone experiences anxiety differently. It’s important to keep in mind that what works for one person may not work for someone else. Don’t be afraid to try different strategies. 

2. Stay calm

One of the best ways to help someone is to remain calm yourself, even if you’re feeling a little uneasy about what’s happening.

Keep yourself calm by taking deep breaths and reminding yourself that this is temporary. If the situation becomes overwhelming for you, reach out to someone else for help.

3. Give them space

Your loved one may need some space during a panic attack. The hyperarousal state of panic — when your brain’s limbic system is on “high alert” — can mean that usual elements in the environment feel overstimulating, like touch, music, bright lights, or other sounds. 

After reminding them that they can handle their symptoms, you can give your loved one space until their panic attack passes. They might ask you to stick around. If they do, reinforce their ability to independently experience their symptoms by uttering the coping statement once or twice and letting them ride out their symptoms until they pass. 

If the two of you had plans, it can help to suggest going through with them once the panic attack has ended to help your friend see that they can get through the day even if they’ve had a panic attack.ADVERTISINGADVERTISEMENTAffordable therapy delivered digitally – Try BetterHelp

Choose from BetterHelp’s vast network of therapists for your therapy needs. Take a quiz, get matched, and start getting support via secure phone or video sessions. Plans start at $60 per week + an additional 10% off.START QUIZ

4. Offer a coping statement

While someone is having a panic attack, we do want to be empathic, but we don’t want to reinforce the idea that panic is dangerous, harmful, or needing to be reduced, minimized, or escaped.

So, rather than giving your loved one lots of reassurance and fussing over them, it can help to remind them that they can cope with what’s happening on their own. This gives them back their power to deal with the situation.

You can do this by offering supportive statements like:

• “You can handle these symptoms.”
• “This will pass.”
• “The feelings aren’t comfortable, but you can accept them.”
• “This will roll over you, like a wave.”

Remind them that, although panic attacks can feel never-ending, they typically peak in about 10 minutes. It’s not possible for the body to stay ramped up for much longer than that.

How to help via text message

If you’re out and about when you get a text from someone that says, “I think I’m having a panic attack,” what do you do? 

One of the best things you can do is offer supportive phrases that reinforce their ability to cope. Try a few of these supportive phrases:

• “This is time-limited. It will pass.”
• “You’re doing a great job.”
• “I’m confident that you can handle this.”
• “You’re going to get through this!”

Whether in person or over text, try to avoid making a big deal of their symptoms. Your role can be to help them extinguish the idea that a panic attack is dangerous or intolerable, and remind them that they can handle this experience. You can then offer to help reconnect if they need more support later on.https://0d11b9179bc4e6e7c927a4c69554319c.safeframe.googlesyndication.com/safeframe/1-0-38/html/container.html

Understanding panic disorder

While panic attacks might make us feel like something is very wrong, they’re just false alarms — a misfiring of the body’s fight, flight, or freeze response. The sympathetic nervous system is responding to a perceived threat by driving physical processes like your heart and breathing rate. Panic attacks are simply an example of the flight-or-fight response out of context.

If your loved one lives with panic disorder — where they experience unexpected, recurring panic attacks and avoid behaviors or situations that might cause them — the most loving thing you can do is not reinforce the panic cycle by making a big deal out of panic attacks. 

It’s also helpful to avoid reinforcing their escape behaviors, which could happen by staying near them or providing excessive reassurance. If you do this, it might unintentionally reinforce the feeling that something must be wrong after all.

A great way to help a friend with panic disorder is to support them once they get connected to a therapist who is doing exposure therapy with them. You can cheer them on as they gradually expose themselves — with the guidance of a trained therapist — to increasingly challenging situations that might provoke panic. In this controlled environment, they will practice resisting escape or safety behaviors.

What not to do when someone is having a panic attack

While it’s tempting to help your loved one avoid the feelings of panic by distracting them from their bodily sensations or taking them away from the situation, these are considered “safety behaviors.” While safety behaviors might help to ease anxiety in the moment, they could actually reinforce a cycle of panic that exists in panic disorder.

Safety behaviors and distractions can prevent people from learning that panic attacks, while uncomfortable, are not actually harmful or dangerous. 

Your loved one can handle panic without actually doing anything, and it’s important for them to know that anxiety about panic goes away on its own without causing them harm.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) — a major method for treating panic disorder — teaches you strategies to reduce your anxiety and avoidance around panic attacks. The idea isn’t to prevent them but to sit with them until they inevitably pass. And often, you experience fewer panic attacks over time as you grow to fear them less.

The most effective way to react to a panic attack is just to ride it out instead of resisting or escaping it. While escaping a panic attack in the short term reduces anxiety, it just drives the panic cycle in the long term because you reinforce beliefs that panic is dangerous, harmful, or something that must be avoided at all costs.

The idea is to allow the symptoms to just be, which helps you to view panic attacks as a manageable experience, not one that needs to be escaped.

Try not to ask someone over and over if they are alright, as this can reinforce the idea that panic is dangerous or harmful. Also, avoid saying phrases that might invalidate their experience, like: 

• “It’s all in your head.” 
• “Snap out of it.” 
• “Nothing’s happening.” 
• “You’re fine.” 
• “I know exactly how you feel.” 
• “What’s wrong with you?” 
• “Why are you so upset over that?”
• “There’s nothing to be afraid of.” 

Do not offer substances. It may be tempting to give your loved one something to take the edge off, but this could make a panic attack worse. Certain strains of cannabis, like sativa, can increase anxiety and lead to paranoia. Alcohol changes levels of serotonin in the brain, which can make anxiety feel more intense.

If your loved one wants medication to help with future panic attacks or an anxiety disorder, suggest a visit to a primary care physician or a psychiatrist. A clinician may prescribe them selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), or benzodiazepines for occasional use.

Warning signs

A panic attack usually goes away in just a few minutes. If it doesn’t, it could mean a more serious medical event is happening, like a heart attack. Remember to stay calm as you assess the situation. 

Look for these warning signs: 

• squeezing chest pain that moves to arms or shoulders (rather than stabbing)
• shortness of breath does not improve
• symptoms that carry on for 20 minutes
• chest pressure lasts longer than 1 to 2 minutes
• vomiting

If you see any of those warning signs, call 911 immediately. 

Some symptoms of a panic attack are similar to those of a heart attack. You can read about how to tell the difference between a panic attack and a heart attack here.

Looking after yourself

Supporting someone during a panic attack can be stressful — not just for them, but for you too. 

After the panic attack subsides and your friend is in a more relaxed headspace, it’s important to take some time for your own self-care. 

Go easy on yourself for a few hours or the rest of the day. Take some time to recharge by practicing yoga, taking a warm bath, journaling, or doing anything else that relaxes you.

If taking care of someone is interfering with your own quality of life, consider reaching out to a therapist to talk about what you’re going through. Check out the ADAA’s Find a Therapist Directory to find a local clinician or a teletherapy option that might work for you.

Remember, we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. You also can’t give from an empty cup. Take care of your energy first, then whatever’s left can flow toward those that you love. 

FEEDBACK:Medically reviewed by Ashleigh Golden, 

PopCulture

By ALLISON SCHONTER

June 22, 2021

Bindi Irwin is stepping out of the spotlight to focus on her family just three months after welcoming daughter Grace Warrior with husband Chandler Powell. The conservationist and Crikey! It’s the Irwins star announced on Monday, a day after she opened up about her relationship with her estranged grandfather on Father’s Day, that she would be taking a month-long break from social media and public appearances in a message discussing mental health.

“Surround yourself with the light of people who genuinely care about you and will support you during the good times and the hard times,” Irwin added. “Remember there are helplines available. Mental health deserves more understanding and support instead of being dismissed or patronised. You are absolutely worthy of love and kindness.”0COMMENTS

Shortly after Irwin shared the update, her husband expressed his support. Powell, whom Irwin married back in March 2020, reshared his wife’s post to his own Instagram account, praising Irwin’s ability to “stand up for what is right.” He said his wife inspires him “with your unwavering kindness and your ability to stand up for what is right. You are the strongest and most beautiful person inside and out. Grace has an amazing mama to look up to.”

Irwin’s message came just hours after she shared another post about mental health. On Sunday night, the zookeeper shared a quote from motivational speaker and author Steve Maraboli that read, “I don’t think people realize how much strength it takes to pull yourself out of a dark place mentally. So if you’ve done that today or any day, I’m proud of you.” She has not shared any further messages since her Monday morning announcement.

If you’re feeling low today, don’t assume you have to manage your negative emotions alone. Help is out there so reach out if you need support or a listening ear. 

As our title suggests, it’s good to talk when you’re feeling low. And this isn’t a glib statement. Research has proven that talking to somebody can be helpful. As discussed in an article at Psychology Today, talking with someone you trust can help you to:

• Reduce stress
• Reduce physical and emotional distress
• Strengthen your immune system

In short, you will start to feel better when you open up to somebody.

Of course, it’s not always easy to turn to others. There are times when we might worry about looking weak in front of the people around us. Or we might lack the courage to get the help we need. 

But it’s important to think of the alternative. When we bottle up our pent-up emotions inside, we can become anxious and stressed, and we can prolong our depression. For the sake of our mental health, we should try to find a safe outlet to deal with whatever is going on inside of us. By doing so, we will:

• Benefit from the listening ear of another
• Gain perspective on the things that are bothering us
• Release negative emotions in a safe way
• Receive the support we need to overcome our particular situation

Talking is certainly a better tactic than some of those other things we might do when we’re feeling low. Comfort eating, excessive drinking, smoking, and drug-taking are just some of the bad habits that many people succumb to when trying to make themselves feel better. As you will understand, these are not good solutions to managing negative emotions. 

Who Can You Talk To?

In the first instance, talk to a trusted family member or friend. You should do this for two reasons. Firstly, you will have somebody you can regularly turn to and be with. And secondly, you will have somebody who can help you reach out to professional organizations if you need specific help.

You can also talk to those people who are affiliated with your spiritual beliefs. If you’re part of a church group you will probably find prayer support useful, so talk to your minister or another trusted member of the church you are a part of. Some people benefit from the services of a psychic, so if this is you, pick up the phone and speak to a psychic reader. Psychic Lights is just one service you might consider. 

And then there are the support organizations that can help you deal with the things that are affecting your mental health. Some of these are set up to support people with specific life issues, and there are those that can help people who are feeling suicidal. Many offer phone, live chat, text, and drop-in services, so you need never be alone when you are in desperate need of somebody to talk to. Check out this list of organizations that could help you.  

And So…

Never assume you have to manage the way you are feeling alone. Help is out there so talk to those closest to you, draw on the support of those affiliated with your faith, and seek specialist help if you need to. It’s good to talk so if you’re feeling low today, get in touch with the person or people that can care for your personal needs. 

This is a collaborative post.

Melinda

Moving home, while stressful, can open many doors for your future. For example, it could provide you with the chance to pursue your dream career or simply make a fresh start for better mental health. However, in order to make the move possible (and find your dream home), you need to ensure that you can first sell (or lease) your current property. 

Perhaps the easiest way to achieve this goal is by simply ensuring that you leave your property at its best – having undergone any necessary maintenance ahead of time. Not only will this make it easier to sell your home, but it could also increase its value significantly as you’re not leaving any costly or expensive tasks for the new buyer to tackle themselves. 

However, during the renovation process, it’s also important that you take both the interior and exterior of your property into consideration. For example, you should take the necessary steps required to improve your home’s curbside appeal. After all, the front of your property is the first thing they will see when they come to a viewing – and first impressions always count when it comes to the property market.

Photo by christian koch on Unsplash

With that in mind, here are four simple ways in which you can improve the curbside appeal of your home! 

Add a fresh coat of paint

While the paint used on the outside of your home is likely extremely durable, it won’t last forever. In fact, you may have already noticed that the paint has chipped or cracked in certain places – likely the result of bad weather. Therefore, one way in which you can enhance the curbside appeal of your home is by adding a fresh touch of paint ahead of time – opting for a clean, neutral color. 

Take care of your windows

Dirty, smudged, or otherwise damaged windows will not exactly impress a potential buyer. Therefore, you should ensure that you arrange to have them cleaned regularly by working alongside reputable cleaning companies such as Labor Panes. Furthermore, undergoing regular maintenance will also make you aware of any potential problems – such as chips or cracks – that need to be repaired sooner rather than later.  

Keep your garden in good order

While you may not be the best gardener in the world, spending a little time ensuring that your front lawn looks clean and tidy is another great way to impress a potential buyer. For example, at the very least, you should ensure that the grass is not overgrown. In addition to improving your home’s curb appeal, gardening can improve your mental health.  

Change your front door

Changing your front door is another easy way in which you can enhance the kerbside appeal of your home – especially if you opt for a statement piece. While you should avoid bright colors, don’t be afraid to select a bright or bold design that is sure to catch a buyer’s eye. If you don’t want to splash out on an entirely new door, consider giving it a fresh coat of paint. 

This is a collaborative post.

Melinda

IDEAS.TED.COM

Jun 22, 2021 / Elizabeth Svoboda

Nadine Redlich

This post is part of TED’s “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from people in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

I was churning through social media feeds one morning when the phrase “tough compassion” made me pause mid-scroll.

On a podcast episode, psychologist, Greater Good Science Center founding director and TEDxBerkeley speaker Dacher Keltner described the idea, explaining how some contemplatives practice a form of kindness — but with a decided edge.

“In the deeper traditions of compassion, like a lot of the Buddhist traditions, they have an idea of tough compassion — to step in and, in a good way, guide the person to a different form of behavior or out,” said Keltner.

An uncompromising approach to compassion is one you can try when other attempts to engage with difficult people fail.

The concept stuck with me because it seemed so at odds with the way many people today are socialized to think about compassion. Among some, a compassion-centered lifestyle is one shared in breezy, pastel-colored Insta posts and involves attending idyllic retreats and practicing meditation. And giving someone else an honest piece of our minds isn’t it.

It might be time to paint a new picture of compassion. When it comes to reducing suffering in the world, an uncompromising approach to compassion often trumps a pastel-hued one — and it’s an approach you can try when other attempts to engage with difficult people fail.

“The Dalai Lama always had this greater good analysis,” Keltner later told me. “Like, ‘What does it bring about? Is being hard in the moment going to bring about greater well-being or kindness for a lot of people?’”

Warm and fuzzy compassion has little power to sway relatives who spout conspiracies or counter leaders who tout equality while harvesting the fruits of privilege.

The case for tough compassion

Tough compassion is gaining traction because the rosy version is proving so unequal to the present moment, which has been defined by human failures to meet challenges posed by the pandemic, widespread inequality and climate change. 

Of course, there will always be a “soft” side to compassion. It’s always crucial to learn how to be a calm sounding board or comfort grieving loved ones. But warm and fuzzy compassion has little power to sway relatives who spout conspiracies, stop close friends from radicalizing online or counter leaders who tout equality while harvesting the fruits of privilege.

In the Buddhist contemplative tradition, the goal of true compassion is to find ways to promote the least suffering for everyone. In this broader framing, nodding along with someone’s bigotry, bullying, or falsehoods for the sake of preserving that relationship is the opposite of compassion. It interferes with peace-building on a societal level, even though it might seem on the surface like a nonviolent act.

If you’re a parent, you probably practice small-scale tough compassion on a daily basis, vetoing pre-dinner snacks or enforcing homework time before kids go out. Larger-scale tough compassion flows from a similar source: the willingness to bear — and even inflict — some discomfort in the moment to promote longer-term well-being.

“Our actions implicate a lot of people,” Keltner says. “You’ve got to step back and think about all the utilities and consequences downstream.”

“You have this sense, and you’re in the position to assume, that this is a struggle they have to face,” Keltner says. “It’s good for them.”

The Dalai Lama has spoken of the importance of this kind of tough love. It means that if your aunt makes an offhand racist remark or your work buddy insults a colleague, tough compassion involves speaking up — without rancor, but with conviction — if your goal is to promote less suffering for all.

“By withdrawing from the conversation, you don’t force the other person to really have to encounter a different set of values,” says Medical College of Wisconsin psychologist Zeno Franco, whose research focuses on community engagement.

In committing to tough compassion, you buy into a certain kind of risk-benefit calculus. You accept the discomfort involved in hopes that the other person will consider a different way of engaging, one that will carry over into her interactions with others, and perhaps even their interactions with those close to them.

“Our actions implicate a lot of people,” Keltner says. “You’ve got to step back and think about all the utilities and consequences downstream.”

In Franco’s view, tough compassion involves conveying that you value someone as a person while disagreeing openly with what they are doing.

Tough compassion in practice

It’s one thing to endorse the tough-compassion approach, and quite another to try to make it work. What does it actually look like to show uncompromising compassion in the moment? And when someone in your life does something that’s actively harmful, what’s the best way to guide them without outright coercing or controlling?

In Franco’s view, tough compassion involves conveying that you value someone as a person while disagreeing openly with what they are doing. When he calls loved ones out for hateful or harmful behavior, he’s not shy about saying what he thinks.

But at the same time, “I try to remain accessible as a human being who can be vulnerable, who can be hurt, and who can appreciate the person,” he says. “Part of that is thinking about how to respond in a way that is not designed to escalate, but almost to reach past the ‘facts’ or points that they are making to where what they are saying impacts me at an emotional level.”

If you want to hold a relative accountable for homophobic remarks, for instance, you can describe the effects of that kind of behavior on people close to you.

A powerful way to convey this emotional impact is through storytelling, says Juliana Tafur, a filmmaker and founder of the Listen Courageously project.

If you want to hold a relative accountable for homophobic remarks, for instance, you can describe the effects of that kind of behavior on people close to you: “My good friend is gay, and she hears insults like that all the time. She’s also been attacked in public. Because of that, it’s hard for her to trust that people are going to respect her as a human being.”

With storytelling, you can take a tough stance and show the other person the results of their actions without launching a direct attack. When you do this, “you’re really communicating — in a way that is enveloped in compassion — your fundamental boundaries, what you can and cannot accept, and inviting the other person into that conversation,” says Tania Diaz, a psychologist at Albizu University. Studies show that this story-based approach can create significant change in people’s worldviews.

Even when you know you’ll create more lasting change through dialogue than exclusion, you may have to push past significant inner resistance to engage in these conversations. Showing any kind of compassion — even tough compassion — to a person who behaves harmfully can feel like a form of surrender, or like tacit acceptance of their behavior. But from the broader perspective of reducing suffering, what might seem like fraternizing with the enemy can be a potent way to guide someone on to a less toxic path.

“When you listen, truly understand and get curious, it creates space for the person to think a little bit differently,” says Diaz.

“A lot of people have this misunderstanding that if I engage or listen, I am somehow going to be tainted or I’m going to be influenced,” Diaz says. When she facilitates these conversations, she’s found that quite the opposite is true. “When you listen, truly understand and get curious, it creates space for the person to think a little bit differently.”

To avoid shaming the other person into submission — a tactic studies show can backfire by making people withdraw from the situation — you can go on to explain how a change of course would be a win-win scenario, for the other person as well as for the world at large. “I show them what life might be like after they change and explain the positives,” says Dian Grier, a licensed clinical social worker in Mojave, California. That might mean pointing out that your homophobic relative will have a much better relationship with gay nieces and nephews if he chooses to engage with them differently.

Tough compassion, by contrast, is like an anchor pole that holds fast no matter how hard the rope tugs on it.

Holding fast

Perhaps the biggest challenge of practicing tough compassion is staying internally grounded while emotional storms rage. When you take a stand, other people may fire back with remarks that send your heart hammering. If you’re not prepared, that physical reaction can propel you straight into a “lizard brain,” fear-based mindset where you’re more likely to fall back on old, reactive rules of engagement.

Tough compassion, by contrast, is like an anchor pole that holds fast no matter how hard the rope tugs on it. “In those moments, I’m trying to be fully present and yet no longer upset,” Franco says. “The intent of every word is thought through to take the argument almost to a different place.”

To hone this kind of in-the-moment composure, it can help to write down some thoughts beforehand about what you want to say to someone or the kind of stories you want to tell. Then, once you’re up for it, schedule a real-life conversation or Zoom. This face-to-face connection often feels more humanizing than a long text thread, and deciding where and when it happens can help you feel more in control of the process.

In line with the Buddhist teaching of dropping attachment to results, the tough-compassion approach is simultaneously about holding fast and letting go.

But while tough-compassion conversations can be fertile ground for shifting others’ perspectives, your own well-being should always remain front and center. To steer clear of potentially traumatic encounters, “you need to know if the other person is in a position to be willing and able to engage in that conversation with you,” Tafur says. “And I think you’ll know that right off the bat.”

If someone ridicules your attempts at dialogue or continues to sling insults, “the tough-compassion act is to leave or disengage,” Keltner says. Exiting from a harmful situation can be its own form of uncompromising truth-telling.

In line with the Buddhist teaching of dropping attachment to results, the tough-compassion approach is simultaneously about holding fast and letting go. At its core, tough compassion is about “creating space for dialogue to unfold,” Diaz says. “Ultimately, that person decides if they’re going to shift.”

This article was originally published on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley.

Watch Betty Hart’s TEDxCherryCreekWomen Talk here: 

Watch Dylan Marron’s TED Talk on talking to people you disagree with here: 

Watch Dacher Keltner’s TEDxBerkeley Talk here: https://www.youtube.com/embed/KsFxWSuu_4I?version=3&rel=1&showsearch=0&showinfo=1&iv_load_policy=1&fs=1&hl=en-US&autohide=2&wmode=transparent

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Elizabeth Svoboda is a writer based in San Jose, California, and a regular contributor to the Greater Good. She is also the author of the book What Makes a Hero?: The Surprising Science of Selflessness, and her newest book is The Life Heroic.

Looking for the Light turned 12 years old in May

I started my first blog, Defining Memories in 2005 to help me grieve the death of my beloved granny. After several years my post became more personal and the name didn’t work so Looking for the Light was born in 2009.

Looking for the Light has evolved over the years and will continue to grow, we’ll grow together. I want to stretch myself, provide better, more valuable information, and will continue to take you to the lead.

I write for myself but in writing, my hope is that someone, just one person can find hope in the future and as they as light at the end of the tunnel.

I thank everyone who has ever crossed my path. You’ve helped me grow and continue to look honestly at myself when sharing my story. I believe today as I did with my first post, sharing our stories is important and everyone has a story.

You’ve taught me so much about myself, life, and the human spirit. Each day of every week your comments lift me up, teach me new ideas, and often humor me. Thank you for taking the time to drop a note to speak your mind. It really does mean so much to me.

If I’ve changed your life in any way, I would love to hear from you. This is a good time for renewing the spirit and hearing your stories.

Melinda

There’s no getting away from the fact that everyone ages, and as a person gets older, their lifestyle habits and needs might change, along with their healthcare requirements. You’re likely reading this today because you’ve got elderly parents.

Image Source

You also want your parents to stay as fit and healthy as possible so they can keep leading independent lives. But, what can you do to facilitate those goals and support them? The following are some practical suggestions you can consider:

Check Their Healthcare Needs

Firstly, it makes sense to confirm that their healthcare needs get met. As you can imagine, medication and other healthcare needs can change as a person gets older, plus there’s also the cost factor to consider.

With that in mind, it’s worth checking their qualifications for Medicare, so they don’t have to worry about how to pay for any medication, treatments, or visits to specialists. Next, you should determine whether they need a review of any existing medication.

You can do that by arranging for them to visit their doctor and have a medication review, plus a medical to check for any potential future health concerns. After all: the last thing you want is for your parents to lead a painful life in their senior years due to a missed diagnosis.

Encourage Them to Do Outdoor Activities

Everyone knows that it’s crucial to remain active throughout your life to ensure your body has the best chance of performing well. Physical exercises help the body to burn off fat, and they’re also helpful for ensuring optimal brain function and mental health.

You don’t need to make your elderly parents run marathons each year, of course! However, you should encourage them to take up regular outdoor activities to suit their fitness levels and health.

For example, going for a daily walk to a local park or beach, if they leave by the coast, is an excellent way to boost their physical health and mental wellbeing. They could also take up other outdoor activities like yoga, dancing, and aerobics.

Help Them Eat Healthily

The trouble with today’s world of convenience is that more people are eating the wrong types of food because they are easy to consume. It’ll come as no surprise that more people eat processed foods high in salt, sugar, saturated fat, and other unhealthy ingredients.

Make sure that your elderly parents eat a healthy, balanced diet. Did you know that you can have delicious yet healthy ready-made meals delivered to their home? All they need to do is microwave them or heat them up in their ovens.

It’s also important that your parents don’t forgo eating fresh fruits and consume unhealthy snacks like chocolate bars.

Help Them Find Fun Senior Citizen Programs

Lastly, your parents will undoubtedly have an array of fun senior citizen programs in their local area. They can enroll in some of those programs to help maintain their physical health and be more socially active.

Such programs are perfect as your parents will get to mix with other like-minded individuals in their age group and make new lifelong friends along the way.

This is a collaborative post.

Melinda