I was kindly gifted Time To Talk: How Men Think About Love, Belonging and Connection from Maddie Dunne-Kirby at Wellbeck Publishing Group for an honest review. Thank you, Maddie.

Released in April 2021, Time To Talk is available on Amazon

Blurb

We live in a super-connected world, yet men specifically, struggle to connect and share. This is changing… but not quickly enough. Award-winning podcaster Alex Holmes sets out to accelerate this shift, debunking lingering myths around masculinity, love and connection by exploring what causes this sense of loneliness.

Starting with ‘Real Man Myths’ and features designed to encourage us to open up and share, Alex motivates us to move from:

• Ignoring to Acknowledging.
• Being Closed to Opening Up.
• Can’t to Can.
• Avoiding to Embracing.
• Expecting to Accepting. 

Sharing his experiences on his podcast and as a young British black man, Time to Talk is a love letter to all the men who have lost their way and to the women that love them.

About the Author

Alex Holmes is an award-winning podcaster and writer from London. He has been hosting and producing podcasts since 2016 including What Matters with Alex Reads, now named Time to Talk, and Mostly Lit, which was named by the Guardian and the BBC as one of the top podcasts of 2017 and won the Best British Podcast award at the 2018 British Book Awards. He now hosts the Time to Talk podcast, which focuses on mental health.

My Thoughts

We can be talking heads at times, just show up, chat and not get down to the meat of the subject. While this type of conversation is essential to everyday life, to live an authentic life you have to be open with your emotions. By taking the conversation down to the next level, past the surface, you can learn more about others and yourself.

Men are often raised being told to not cry, or show emotion, don’t get depressed, basically, men have been told to suck it up and this had caused a major mental health crisis as they walk into the world with these unrealistic and unhealthy goals.

Alex was traveling down the path of life when two major events rocked his emotional state. One was the suicide of an acquaintance and the second the London Riots of 2011. Emotions flooded and many emotions turned to anger and anger started to flow over. Alex knew it was time for a major change in his life. A change in how he looked at his life and how he fits in it

These events sent Alex down the road of self-discovery, he sought out well-known writers, religious thinkers, psychologists,s and many other diverse types of thinkers to uncover who he really was.

Alex sets out to debunk the myth’s that most men are raised by. Today Alex has an award-winning podcast, Time To Talk where he tackles everyday topics with his guest in a safe environment to be open with themselves on what may be holding them back in life.

Time to Talk by Alex Holmes is a great read, one I would recommend to anyone on a self-journey or just interested in where the road may take you.

Welbeck Publishing Group

Welbeck Publishing Group is an exciting, fast-growing independent publisher based in London, dedicated to publishing only the very best and most commercial books spanning a number of genres and categories, from leading authors and well-known brands to debut talent. We live for books that entertain, excite and enhance the lives of readers around the world.

From building our boutique fiction and narrative non-fiction lists to shaping our world-renowned illustrated reference, gift and children’s titles, our aim is to be a market-leader in every category in which we publish.  Our books and products come to life for adults, children, and families in 30 languages in more than 60 countries around the world, selling through a variety of traditional and non-traditional channels. We are constantly looking for new ways to deliver our exceptional content and new ideas to inspire readers and listeners everywhere.

www.welbeckpublishing.com

I’m so glad you are enjoying the book reviews. I’ve had the great pleasure to hear from three authors with great feedback on my reviews. I take that my skills are improving. Have a stack of six more books to read so stay posted for all genres of book reviews.

Do yourself a favor and go buy Time To Talk by Alex Holmes and break down your barriers in your life.

Have a great day.

Melinda

My Hubby and I have an ongoing ‘argument’ about who has to die first…. I know — morbid, right? Actually, we each say we have to be the first to go, because we don’t want to have to live without the other one. Unfortunately, statistics aren’t on my side for winning that argument… Did you […]

June Is international Men’s Health Month — Reclaiming HOPE

I know it may be hard to think about an upside during a pandemic but for me, there is a silver lining. My husband has been working from home since March 2020. This has created a huge ripple effect on both of us.  

We were not the type of couple who talked on the phone or emailed during the day, if anything it was an “I’m on the way home” call. Now we communicate during the day in real-time instead of at end of a long workday, and a stressful commute. 

There’s also a practical side to not commuting, spending less on dry cleaning, gasoline, wear and tear on the vehicle, and the insurance company offered rebates since people were driving less. 

We adopted a puppy, Jet, and are able to potty train together, a big relief. He can also walk both dogs at lunch every day and several days a week we go to the park for 20 minutes to walk the dogs instead of his commute time.

We cook together, which has made cooking more fun, less stressful, and we eat earlier since there is no commute time and which is better for your digestion. 

He’s home for coffee and breakfast, no fast food which is much better for his health, we have lunch together every day, and most days we go to the drive-thru at Starbucks for a mid-afternoon break and take the dogs with us. Fun for everyone. 

Him being home and us spending so much time together has given us insight into what life in retirement looks like and we’ve learned we’re still friends and love each other.

His schedule now allows him to run errands on Friday, he takes a long lunch, which frees up Saturdays. Less to do on Saturday means being able to do something for himself like go to Golf Course, honey do’s or just relax. 

Have you given thought to what your upside is?

Melinda

I guess as we all age we look at our life and can compare how our life is like or different than our parents. For me, I was raised for the most part by my grandparents and my granny was my mother.

This post is more about my life becoming more like my granny’s everyday.

Granny was legally blind and was not able to drive, she spent her entire life asking others to help get her to where she needed or my gramps took her once they were married.

You would look at my life and not see the similarities on the surface but they are growing into one. I have early onset Dementia caused by Lyme Disease and it continues to progress. Over the past few year the parameter I can drive gets smaller and smaller. That’s if my husband let’s me drive.

The other similarity in our lives is my granny had Dementia too, brought on by two strokes. She didn’t know much after the second stroke and was very withdraw and self-harming.

I look back at growing up and my gramps did all the grocery shopping and errands, sometimes granny would sit in the car but most of the time she stayed home. Before her strokes she worked cleaning houses but her life was still small in the number of people she knew and experiences she had.

She cleaned house, did most of the cooking and kept up with the family via phone.

I look at my life today and my husband does all the grocery shopping and errands, sometimes I wait in the car. My life is very small, since we have no family here my interactions are with doctors and the people at Starbucks.

I never asked my granny if she would have changed her life, if she wished she could drive, did she want more for herself?

When I ask myself those questions the answers are yes, absolutely.

Melinda

Jessica Owen from Cherish Editions kindly gifted me Where Do We Go From Here? by Bethany Hacker for an honest review. Thank you, Jessica. 

Release Date June 10th, 2021

You will find Bethany’s book at Amazon and Cherish Editions.

Blurb

Where Do We Go From Here tells the true story of what life is like in a psychiatric hospital? From the good to the bad and the ugly, every bit of life in the hospital is exposed. The book acknowledges how easy it can be to go down the rabbit hotel of depression, whilst also providing the reader with hope and the knowledge that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. In this deeply absorbing memoir, Bethany Hacker shares a slightly humorous look into the brain of a normal girl with a lot of trouble going on inside of it.

About The Author

Bethany was born in Italy to American parents who worked as teachers on a US military base. She spent her developmental years there and ended up moving to the US for University where she studied Political Science. After deciding that Europe felt more like home, she moved back to Italy and onward to the UK where she was treated for various mental health issues. She currently works at a charity helping families with children in hospitals while trying to gain skills to eventually become a therapist to help others cope with any kind of mental illness.

My Thoughts

“Where do you go when you’ve lost hope? When there’s no end in sight? How do you pick yourself up when you can’t get out of bed in the morning? 

Where Do We Go From Here? is the perfect book to help family members understand where you go and what’s it’s like when you’re in the hospital. It will help others better understand what it takes to get on level ground and there are no quick fixes. I think it will help open lines of communication and bring more understanding.

Cherish Editions

Cherish Editions is the self-publishing division of Trigger Publishing, the UK’s leading independent mental health and wellbeing publisher.

We are experienced in creating and selling positive, responsible, important and inspirational books, which work to de-stigmatise the issues around mental health, as well as helping people who read them to maintain and improve their mental health and wellbeing. By choosing to publish through Cherish Editions, you will get the expertise of the dedicated Trigger Team at every step of the process.

We are proud of what we do, and passionate about the books that we publish. We want to do the very best for you and your book, holding your hand every step of the way.

What makes us different?

Visit About us to find out more.

Where Do We Go From Here? is a must-read and a great book to help friends and family understand what daily life is like when you’re in a Psychiatric Hospital. I think it will open communication and bring a new understanding.

Once you’ve read, be sure to tell me what you think. 

Melinda

This is a previous post I feel is important to shine a light on for Mental Health Awareness Month.

Some states like Colorado have what’s called a Red Gun Law. It basically allows someone who is concerned that a person may harm themselves or others to go before a judge and if warranted, have their weapons taken away for 30 days. This type of law could save many lives, in that 30 days, you might be able to get your loved one or friend the help they so desperately need.

5/30/21

Melinda

My father committed suicide in 1992 after a long struggle with mental illness, he was 52 years old. This post isn’t about how to prevent suicide, or that it’s preventable, this post is about what is left behind after a person commits suicide.

September is Suicide Prevention Month and I’ve struggled with what to write. I do believe strongly that as a society we have to talk about suicide. As much as I advocate for everything I believe in suicide is something so personal to me that it’s different. It’s not the stigma, I don’t care what anyone thinks about my father’s death. It’s that in order to prevent suicide you have to start so far in advance of the person wanting to commit suicide.

My father abused me and we were estranged from the time I was a teenager. When I lived with my father I knew he was emotionally unstable but I was a kid and had my own problems. After 14 years my father calls me and starts talking about suicide. About how he can’t work, how he doesn’t have any money, and on and on.

The daughter and human in me responded, I was heartbroken, in shock, felt responsible and started paying his bills, sending him money and we talked all the time. He constantly talked about people bugging his phone, and people following him. I didn’t realize at the time my father was delusional.

I continued to beg him every time we talked to not kill himself, to think about my granny, his mother who would be devastated. I talked and pleaded for months. Begged him to go to the doctor. I did what I could.

I got a call late one Sunday saying “your father did away with himself” from my gramps. I was in such shock I called right back and asked was he dead or on the way to the hospital. No, he’s dead.

Here are a few things I learned after my father died.

He had been in a downward spiral for years by looking at his living conditions. He had boxes and boxes of cassette tapes by his bed, recordings he had made. I remember him talking about someone bugging his phone so I listened to every one of those tapes several times. There was nothing on most of them, some were recordings of my father talking on the phone. Some were just noise or his breathing. My father was delusional.

I could go on and on but there are a few takeaways.

One of the most difficult things you have to deal with in a suicide death is a closed casket funeral. You can’t see their face and say goodbye so there is an unmet emotional void that never goes away.

I did everything within my power, my dad was a grown man. A man with his own free will. I could not make him go to the doctor for help. There wasn’t a Gun Law in Texas where you could call the police and they would come out to take away a gun. There may not be one now.

I felt unbearable guilt, the pressure of the weight of thinking I could have prevented my granny’s pain was so much I drank myself crazy.

What I did learn from his death as we had the same mental illness, Bipolar Disorder, and was 75% more likely to commit suicide because my father had. I took that information and I found the best Psychiatrist I could. He is still my doctor today and has saved my life many times.

You can’t stop someone from killing themselves if they are determined. They will find a way now or later.

What we can do is look for signs early in life and during a crisis to see if a person needs help and guide them in that direction. If you’re a parent you have much more control when your child is younger.

The key to preventing suicide is to bring all the emotional damage to the surface to be dealt with and treat mental illnesses in a responsible manner the best we can. I will also add that if you’re inclined you can push for laws that allow the police to be called and for them to take the gun away for some period of time. Each state is different. You can also push for stronger gun laws if that is your wish.

Melinda

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I have a couple more days to share with you the struggles I’ve been thru with my Bipolar Disorder.

I wrote this post in 2016 during a very low time and was going thru withdrawal because I took too many pills and ran out a week before I could get a refill. My doctor would normally have been able to call in the needed medication but he was out of touch on vacation. I was flying solo, with my husband having to watch his wife fall to pieces in front of him and he could do nothing.

There will be many times when what I’m saying makes no sense. It’s quite painful to read this post today.

Please keep your medication in check and if that means you have to count them or have someone count them for you, that’s what you need to do.

5/29/21

Melinda

I HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER

MY MENTAL HEALTH IS TIED TOGETHER WITH MULTIPLE MEDICATIONS, THREE OF WHICH I’M ADDICTED TO.  MY STRUGGLE WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER IS BALANCED OUT ON A FOUNDATION BUILT ON XANAX. I AM ADDICTED TO THREE OF THE DRUGS WITH XANAX BEING THE NASTIEST TO WITHDRAW FROM. LYME DIEASE HAS TAKEN MY MEMORY AND I TOOK TO MANY XANAX BEFORE THE NEXT REFILL. IT’S A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE IN TEXAS WHICH MEANS ONLY YOUR DOCTOR CAN APPROVE EVEN ONE PILL BEFORE REFILL. MY DOCTOR WAS ON VACATION AND I WAS BATTLING THE BEAST WITHIN. 

I’m  on the mend, just not well enough to write a post about my journey. Thanks to everyone who has reached out to me. I was able to battle things out at home, there was a point when the questions came up, was it time to go to hospital.

Below are a few comments I’ve made while piecing myself back together. They are not entertaining, quite disgusting actually but IT’S REAL. I have Treatment Resistant Bipolar Disorder with Xanax as the anchor drug.

I’ve lived thru what doctors or instructions may mention about withdrawal. IF you were not aware of what Xanax withdraw looks like, FIRST look in the mirror. It’s the patients responsibility to participate with treatment. One critical way is being aware of every angle, good, bad, nasty, uncomfortable, make you beat yourself against the wall, wailing in pain……..I feel like my worst sins have beaten me with a bat bat 24/7 for a week.

I hope one person can read the babbling and come out with something to help themselves, their children, their husband, their wife, a family member, the homeless person on your corner.

I would not spread my guts out if I didn’t believe one person could use my experience. One commitment I made when starting my blog, when it’s ugly I will fly the flag high for anyone who wants to read. If you can’t handle the language, don’t enter the post.

I’m lost without the community. My body will heal up in a few days/a week.

Xx  M

ME:I just read your post about the increase in meds, yes it is scary as hell every time and that’s a gauge you don’t want to lose, it just doesn’t mean an auto NO. You are getting better at trusting, which essential to living with mental illness. Remember, it’s an illness not who you are. Think hard about the increase, what you told the doc, why he believes you need and increase based on what you’ve told him and then you can settle into, ok I’m not taking BECAUSE/I’m taking AND Committing to HOW MANY DAYS/WEEKS TO SEE A CHANGE. IF you are not 100% committed/UNLESS severe side effects/ If committed you have to be willing to go thru the adjustment your body WILL go thru. DOD you know what to look for? How long? When to go to hospital? CRITICAL questions if YOU ARE Taking.

ME: IF NOT TAKING, you can’t sit and wait until next appointment. You have to be able to articulate to doctor WHY you are not going to take. Give the doctor a chance to clear up any questions or misunderstandings. Then If you still are not going to take, no prob. ARE YOU ready to jump off that drug completely, possible some withdraw depending how long taking.OR ARE you willing to keep taking the amount of that drug and take what he suggest next which should address WHY your NOT taking the increased dose.

ME: It SUCKS, it’s a bitch, asshole any name you can think of BUT you have a mental illness, YOU said YOU were going to participate in getting your life on the rails as much as possible no matter how long it takes.
Sorry honey, the facts.

ME: Below is the HELL I’ve been in. You will recognize some of the symptoms because you have not had them in control, even though in HELL you can see WHAT the next level of hell is. This is why you can’t fuck with your meds. This is what happens in various degrees.

ME: I’m exhausted and back to bed for my whole body to rest. Please print out this whole comments, when you are starting to get anxious look at. Xanax is an excellent anti-anxiety med, highly additive and will beat the shit out of you if you fuck with it. That may help you get more in tune with body so you pick up the signals sooner. :)

ME: you are an awesome Christian Sister. The passage brought a tear. At a time when physically I’m all alone, now more than anytime I know there are friends in Christ who are there. Praying for me is a bonus. God brings people down a path, we have no idea what his perfect hands are doing, we’re going about our business. You/I/everyone crosses paths, sometimes they are the path God laid out, that intersection will bring two people together if/when God see’s a need. That is why we crossed paths, and for many others reasons we learn from each other. The last thing on my mind is a blog/my blog/your blog/survivors blog. I’m still putting the pieces of my brain back together. The rest we know is not essential and down on the want pole. Thank you for thinking of survivors, quite possibly a decision I make/or not will have a huge impact. I have to figure out if I’m ready and everyone else is aware and who’s on the boat. Keep you posted as I take another step. Day One 3:30 pm CST

ME: an older message said moving at nano speed, NOT unless nano backward is such at thing. Very small steps, my body is better to a pulp from me throwing myself around the bathroom during the three worst days with the beast inside. When you have a mental illness you need medication to function, if the balance is off tiny amount no prob. If you see saw is up in air and down on ground there’s a huge problem. That’s where I’ve been. Lyme has taken my memory, without knowing I took to many Xanax which I require but when you take to many before a refill, it’s hell. When a drug is classified a Controlled Substance, created to slow down addiction in America, only your doctor can approve even one pill. My Doc is half- retired and this past Friday was the absolute earliest it could be filled without my Doc phoning the pharmacy. Withdraw on Xanax which I’ve taken for 15 years is starts to get nasty after 2-3 days. From there it’s straight to hell in a blink of an eye! I learned one thing thru this, exactly what Controlled Substance means.
I’m sure you will file in your huge memory bank should you ever need. I’m off to take photos of what it looks like on paper when I come unwound.

ME: I’ve have seen bad and I’ve seen heaven. UTSW Psychiatric Hospital is where I go to have ECT Treatments to dig me out from under the boulder. It’s a truly welcome sight. I’ve learned all of the above and once I saw how a good/great caring facility takes care to get you on your feet so you and your support team can help while you and doctor work on getting me stable. I almost went there Wednesday night, a medical hospital can’t give me what I needed fast enough. I was near the bottom of the meanest beast, myself, going thru an unintentional need to withdraw. When my husband heard me wailing out of control, banging myself around the bathroom, battered and helpless except to let the beast keep kicking me. He said were going, we didn’t but he thought medical hospital and I knew it was to see my caregivers at UTSW Dallas. Today is Day One, I’m home by myself and although slow I’ve made it thru half a day. I would never hesitate to get in car to go straight there, I’ve been there 20 times.:)

Psychiatric Times

What are the implications of maternal mental health not only for mothers, but also for children, families, and society as a whole?

May is Maternal Mental Health Month, and moms around the world could probably use a break. During the COVID-19 pandemic, they have done even more of the childcare and housework, while also, in many cases, keeping up with their careers. How has the pandemic affected their mental health—either by creating new problems or by exacerbating perennial concerns?

In this edition of PsychPearls, Anita H. Clayton, MD, explores the wide and varied field of maternal mental health. Along with the effects of the pandemic, Clayton discusses prenatal mental health care, new and emerging treatments for postpartum depression and psychosis, and how what she saw in a courtroom set her on a path to becoming a renowned expert on maternal wellness.

https://embeds.audioboom.com/posts/7863094/embed/v4

Dr Clayton will speak further on these issues at the Annual Psychiatric TimesTM World CME Conference.

Dr Clayton is the David C. Wilson Professor and chair of the Department of Psychiatry and Neurobehavioral Sciences at the University of Virginia, with a secondary appointment as professor of clinical obstetrics and gynecology. She is the author of Satisfaction: Women, Sex, and the Quest for Intimacy, published by Ballantine Books in 2007, and an editor of the 2005 Women’s Mental Health: A Comprehensive Textbook. She is also a program co-chair of the Annual Psychiatric Times^TM World CME Conference.

Melinda

Human Resource Director

BY Emily Douglas 17 May 2021

Do you have a deep-rooted fear of your inbox?

It’s 3.15am Monday morning. While the rest of the world sleeps soundly, you’re twitching to turn on the bedside lamp. You’re edging towards your phone. It’s been buzzing on and off, sounding in the dark, which can mean only one thing.

Emails are waiting.

You think, I’ll just take a quick peek – a quick look then back to sleep. There’s no harm in that, right? After all, maybe it’s urgent. Maybe it’s my manager. Maybe it’s my CEO. Maybe the company’s been liquidated and everyone’s been fired and it’s all my fault!

Sound familiar? You, my friend, have email anxiety. And you’re not alone.

Email anxiety is a deep-rooted fear of looking through your inbox – coupled with an innate inability not to. Striking any time day or night, sufferers feel intense anxiety around their inbox – worried about both receiving emails and having to read them. The average employee spends around four hours each day reading and responding to messages – with most workers receiving up to 120 emails every day. For employees suffering with anxiety, each day is a battle between wanting to be productive and being paralysed by nerves.

Why do emails cause anxiety?

While email anxiety is nothing new, it has become more prevalent since COVID-19. Now, with employees working from their homes, work-life balance is even more difficult to attain. The added pressure of the current pandemic, coupled with increased working hours and C-suite expectations, is leading to a mental health crisis. And, if HR doesn’t act quickly, we’re going to see psychological wellbeing take a massive hit.

The link between technology and stress was debated by Dr Gini Harrison, Dr Mathijs Lucassen in their recent study Stress and anxiety in the digital age. In this research, they theorized that we’re becoming overly dependant on our phones, leading to perpetual distraction and poor sleep habits.

When you consider that a lot of employees have their work emails on their smart devices – it’s clear that this need to be constantly connected is wrecking our mental, physical, and emotional health.

How do you manage excessive emails?

So, what’s to be done? Well, the easiest option would be to take your emails off of your mobile phone. And while we do recommend that, it doesn’t stop the stress and anxiety surrounding in-office, desktop, messages. If the issue is simply being overloaded with too many emails, speak to your manager and raise the issue with them. We’re all guilty of CC’ing people into emails when they don’t really need to be there – so, before you send any messages, be cognizant of this. Look through the recipients. Do they all have to be there? Can you remove any? If this is implemented as best practice across the whole company, believe me, you’ll see a dramatic drop in email volume.

Another option is to add an Out Of Office folder to your inbox. Any messages that come through when you’re technically ‘off the clock’ will go into a sperate file for you to check during working hours. With certain email accounts, you can add a reminder that will pop up if you try to email someone outside of their allotted schedule. This acts as a first line of defence should employees get too trigger happy with late night messages. 

Angela Champ, SVP of HR at Alpine Building Maintenance, recommends a complete inbox cleanse – removing all unwanted toxins from your account.

“Unsubscribe from any newsletters or emails that no longer add value or help you do your job,” she told HRD. “From there, set aside certain blocks within your day to read and respond to emails, rather than reading them continuously, and turn off the notifications so you’re not tempted to check. Finally, I’d say that if a message thread is longer than three emails deep, pick up the phone. So much more can be resolved with a five-minute call than a super long email chain.”

How do you overcome email anxiety?

When it comes to addressing the issue of unmanageable anxiety, take a step back and breathe. The pandemic has us all in a spin, working constantly, developing unhealthy habits, and feeling burned out. When the panic sets in, walk away from your desk and step outside for a few moments. Go for a walk, practice some mindfulness, and realise that whatever this email says, it’s not the end of the world. As with most anxiety, it’s not the end result we fear, it’s the fear of fear that’s debilitating.

For employers, if you want to help your workers through email stress, you too have to become more self-aware and take some accountability.

“Knowing your recipient is key,” Dr Melanie Peacock, associate professor of HR, told HRD. “This is why, especially in a virtual world, we need to take the time to build opportunities for people to develop interpersonal relationships with one another. Trust doesn’t just appear; it’s created and nurtured. When one trusts the recipient email anxiety is lessened.”

Psychology Today

Posted May 17, 2021 

KEY POINTS

• Emotions dominate our lives. We either spew feelings excessively or sequester them inside us.
• Relationships between people with disparate and even opposite displays of emotion involve an emotional tango that ill serves both parties.
• Emotions can be used to inform and enhance thinking, behaviors, and interpersonal relationships. Asking yourself these questions will help.

Source: Hier und jetzt endet leider meine Reise auf Pixabay aber/Pixabay

Emotional displays flood our lives. Television, radio, social media, conversations, and written media provide a continual barrage of anger, tears, venom, upset, and grief. The political arena is an ongoing slugfest of emotional outrage, gesture, name-calling, and put-downs.

An excessive outpouring of feelings dominates our interpersonal landscape as well. How did we arrive here? Does everyone use an emotional megaphone or only some of us? Some of us are emotionally reserved. How do we coexist with each other?

As a child and adult psychiatrist for 40 years, I have some observations on both the over- and under-expression of feelings and the implications for both emotional health and illness. I discuss these observations in the book I co-authored with psychiatrist Homer B. Martin, M.D., called Living on Automatic: How Emotional Conditioning Shapes Our Lives and Relationships.

Neurophysiologists and neuropsychologists point out that feelings are subjective experiences of emotions. Emotions arise from patterns of neuralactivity in the limbic system. Then feelings interpret the neural-based emotions. For the purposes of this article—psychiatric, not neurophysiologic—I use feelings and emotions interchangeably.

Emotions and roles in relationships

We all have emotions. Most of us assume our feelings and emotional expressions are hardwired in us, but they are not. In childhood, we grasp how, how much, and when to display feelings. This takes place through unaware teaching within our families, and the roles parents shape in us for managing relationships. We grasp these roles by age 3.

Source: Piyapong Saydaung/Pixabay

The emotionally subdued

Some of us master the role of hiding our feelings and keep them under wraps. In this role, we rarely acknowledge, much less show, our feelings. We may be unable to identify when we are sad, happy, angry, or anxious.

During psychotherapy, when I ask such people what they feel in a given situation, they say, “I don’t know what I feel,” or “I’m unsure.” Often, they tell me what they thinkinstead of what they feel. We refer to such people as reserved or unemotional.

Reserved people can make poor judgments when other people are involved because they do not use their own feelings to assess what they need to think, do, or say. They suppress feelings and, in so doing, come to believe their bottled-up emotions are powerful. They fear that their suppressed emotions will erupt with volcanic force, either imploding them or wreaking damage on others.

The emotional proclaimers

Other people are shaped during childhood into roles in which they exude emotions and display them often and excessively. They like the effects their emotions have on others. They want others to cater to their emotional displays. They send messages of:

• Be upset with my eruptions.
• Calm me down.
• Indulge me.
• Walk on eggshells around me.
• Fix my feelings.
• Cater to my changeable moods, and indulge my next outpouring of feelings.

Source: Engin Akyurt/Pixabay

These people have such a focus on their emotions that when I ask them what they think, they tell me what they feel.

Emotionally overflowing people also make poor decisions involving others. They make decisions based on whimsical and ever-changing emotions. They forego reason. Since they are consumed by their emotional demonstrations, they are good at distracting other people and at having attention focused on themselves. Later on in relationships, they exhaust those with whom they associate.

The tango of emotions in relationships

How do people with disparate and even opposite displays of emotion exist with one another? This coexistence weaves itself similarly to a tango dance. The dance unfolds in perpetually enduring relationship patterns.

Overly emotional people expect the emotionally reserved to cater to their feelings. It is a way to get attention from others. It is a way to be loud but behaviorally inert. The emotionally reserved at first admire the emotional outpourings of others. Only later, after many attempts to calm them or satisfy them, are they worn down and exhausted.

Why do they admire the emotionally bombastic when they are emotionally reticent and reserved themselves? Their admiration is based on wishing they could demonstrate such lavish displays of their own feelings. “I wish I could be like that,” they say. They also enjoy the thrill and challenge of trying to tame the unmanageably emotionally extravagant.

Source: Gino Crescoli/Pixabay

As these patterns endure in relationships, the demonstrative person is increasingly emotional with louder displays. The mesmerized, reserved person loves indulging them until they reach exhaustion. They continue to keep a tight lid on their own emotions. Both people are made worse by their interpersonal tango, which ill serves each of them.

Patterns in society

The same interpersonal emotional patterns happen in the larger society. We admire the plethora of emotions in the public arena. We glue ourselves to the television and social media to ooh and aah, admire or denigrate.

We seek out emotional people for entertainment. Holding these people in the limelight fuels those who enjoy exuding their feelings. They escalate. They grow their audience. The squeaky wheel gets the oil and the ratings.

Source: Jose R. Cabello/Pixabay

Emotionally reserved people shun being on center stage. They gladly throw attention to those who want it. One group does not exist without the other.

Both the emotionally quiescent and the effusive may use quick-fix methods to open up and dampen down their feelings. They improperly use prescription medications, alcohol, or illicit drugs. Such use is prevalent and creates both physical and emotional health problems for users, their families, and work colleagues.

How to escape the emotional stranglehold

Over-emoting people are oppressive to be around. Under-emoting people are oppressed within themselves. We should become aware of the dance and look at ourselves deeply enough to cease the imperiousness brought on by feelings. It can be done.

When we are in the throes of strong feelings, we can ask ourselves questions that will help us decipher the emotion, decide how reasonable it is for the circumstance, and what course of action to take. Here are questions to ask yourself.

1. What emotion do you have?

You may be crying, but what is your true emotion? Are you sad, mad, jealous, frustrated?

2. What is going on that evokes your emotion?

Is someone putting you down, praising you, angering you, or ignoring you? Who are you with, and what is the interaction about?

3. What other occasions create this same feeling/emotion?

Do you get angry when also ignored by others? Are you jealous in similar situations with others?

Do you get mad when others praise you?

4. How reasonable for your circumstance is the emotion you feel?

If you are angry because you are left out of a decision made by your spouse, ask yourself if this is a big concern worth being angry about. Was the decision major—what kind of car to buy? Was it minor—what size eggs to buy? 

5. Are you conditioned to the emotion because of childhood experiences?

If so, you could be reacting emotionally in a knee-jerk way when the situation does not reasonably call for it.

If you were expected to hide emotions as a child, you might be more reasonable with yourself and reveal your emotions to another person rather than concealing them. Or, if you were expected as a child to have boisterous emotional displays, you may need to tone down displays of your feelings.

6. Once you evaluate the facets of your emotion, what is the most reasonable action to take under the circumstances?

Maybe you are unreasonable to be so angry at your spouse for buying a size of eggs you didn’t want. You may decide to tone down or break off your anger, finding it too excessive. Or, you may decide it’s more reasonable to express your frustration to your spouse instead of holding in that emotion.

Overly emotional people can grasp how to think about their feelings instead of displaying feelings all the time. They can access rational thoughts instead of deciding and manipulating others with emotions.

The reluctantly emotional can learn to identify and elaborate their emotions to inform them of what goes on inside them and in their relationships. They may discover there is a time and place for them to kick up a fuss, shout for joy, or be the center of attention.

We do better in life when emotions inform our thoughts, behaviors, and interactions with others, not when they dominate us.

Christine B. L. Adams, MD is a child psychiatrist in private practice in Louisville, KY. She is co-author of the book Living on Automatic: How Emotional Conditioning Shapes Our Lives and Relationships.

If you think you have to be a smoker, a drinker, overweight, or have high blood pressure to have a stroke, think again. My Granny was in her early 80’s when she had two strokes within a year’s time, the second one was a massive stroke. That left her with Dementia from the damage done to her brain and she became a violent shell of herself over time. She died a couple of years later.

She ate a clean diet, had quit smoking 40 years earlier, never drank, didn’t have high blood pressure, and weighed all of 110 pounds soaking wet.

Strokes can happen to anyone.

Doctors were never able to give us an explanation and this is why I write this post. May is Stroke Awareness Month and you need to know what can happen if you or a loved one develops Dementia from a stroke.

Dementia is like Alzheimer’s in that it robs your memory. The first stroke the damage wasn’t as bad so she knew something was wrong with her and was very unhappy but not violent. The second stroke hit a large part of her brain and affected her memory in the worst way.

Imagine knowing you are sick, you don’t understand what is going on, and you confused all the time. My Granny became violent by hitting herself in the head or banging her head on the wall saying she didn’t want to live like that.

You have two choices medically, do nothing or find a Psychiatrist who can prescribe the right types of drugs to calm them down. The latter is often found as a warning on medication labels, Not for use for elderly Dementia patients.

My gramps and I had to decide what was best for my granny, not society. We found a good doctor who put her medication to try to slow the Dementia down, and a combination of other drugs to keep her a bit zoned out but not over-drugged.

This worked fine for a time, then she became solely dependent on my gramps being with her. He couldn’t leave the house any longer. The doctor had given us four emergency pills for if or when she became too violent. To date, we had not used any. My gramps went to get groceries and I was there with her. After five minutes she kept saying he had been gone an hour and why wasn’t he back yet. I tried to distract her with a little photo album I made of her and gramps and her favorite dog. That worked a few times. She would come back to why is he taking so long. why is he taking so long?

I got up and showed her on the clock exactly when he left and what time it was, it had only been 15 minutes. The logic didn’t compute. She continued to escalate to the point of saying why did gramps leave her here. I asked her where she was and she didn’t know but didn’t recognize she was in her own home. I took photos off the wall to show her my dad, brother, gramps, and myself. Nothing worked, she was convinced he had left her somewhere.

She became very violent, hitting herself in the head, banging her head against the wall screaming for my gramps. I had to think quick. It was time for the emergency medication. I was able to convince her we forgot to take one of her medications and she took the pill. It knocked out and I thanked God!

My gramps was not able to leave home again until after she died.

This is just one example, there are many and each an extremely painful to watch. It breaks your heart not to be able to help your loved one.

I will STRONGLY say, do whatever you have to do to make your loved ones’ life more comfortable if they become violent. Don’t settle for less or you will be making hospital visits.

These posts will give you an even better idea of the hell life is like for a Dementia caregiver.

Dementia Induced Thoughts of Suicide

I’m Morning And She’s Still Alive

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BYJOSE MARTINEZ

Snoop Dogg’s daughter, Cori Broadus, took to Instagram over the weekend, where she opened up about her mental health struggles over the last few weeks, revealing that she tried to take her own life.

“The last few weeks my mental has not been so great at one point I tried to end my life but you & my family really give me a purpose to live & helped me realize Iife is much more than materialistic things & you gotta just keep pushing through the bullshit,” she wrote. 

It appears the “you” who has helped Cori in her time of need is her boyfriend, Wayne Deuce, who is seen in several pictures in the above post. Wayne also shared the same series of photos in his own post on Instagram, along with a note on a chalkboard easel in which he wrote, “I love you Princess. This time is about us getting our minds right for a better and healthier lifestyle. We riding til the end.” 

Both of their posts conclude with the Mental Health Awareness hashtag. May is Mental Health Awareness Month, which aims to help people understand and normalize the existence of mental illnesses among millions of people living in the United States. According to Mental Health America, the organization that started this monthly observation in 1949, one in every five American adults will have a diagnosable mental health condition in any given year. 

Mental health issues have come to the forefront in wake of COVID-19. MHA Screenings taken from January 2020 to September found that over eight in 10 people who took the anxiety screen scored with moderate to severe symptoms, while more than eight in 10 people scored with moderate to severe symptoms of depression consistently since the start of the pandemic. 

The theme for this year’s Mental Health Awareness Month is “You Are Not Alone,” a statement that reinforces the reality that mental illnesses are more common than some people might think, and something that people shouldn’t feel stigmatized by, especially as we collectively deal with the aftermath of the pandemic, and what that means for our personal and professional lives.