Repressed Memory

I was married two weeks after my 18th birthday to my high school sweetheart. Things were tough, no money, not even a bank account. The money went in a box at the top of the closet and when it was gone, it was gone. This was 1981, if you can imagine my grocery budget was $35 a week. Slim pickings even back then.

We were over at his parent’s house one spring evening like we were every Friday night. I started bleeding and thought I was starting my period early. It would not be that unusual. A little while later I started having severe back pain and my sister-in-law asked if I was having a miscarriage. First off, I was on birth control and second, I had no idea what a miscarriage felt like.

The pain and bleeding continued to get worse so we drove to the hospital. When we arrived there weren’t any rooms so I had to lay in the waiting room with my jeans soaked in blood. 

After I was put in a room, I had to go to the bathroom. While in the bathroom I had a miscarriage. In the toilet was a fully formed four-month-old fetus. I was in shock. I walked out and told a nurse there was a baby in the toilet.

While back in the room waiting for the doctor, this most insensitive nurse puts the fetus which is in a jar right by my head. WOW, what a way to traumatize someone.

It would be bad enough if the story ended there but it doesn’t.

My husband was an amateur car racer and had a big race that weekend. He never acknowledged the baby, my pain, and never even came to see me in the hospital room that evening. The next morning he headed out of town for the race without even arranging a ride for me. I had to call my ex-boyfriend’s mother to take me home. I wasn’t ready to tell my grandparents yet.

He came home on Sunday night and not a peep was said. I never mourned the baby I lost because I had to suppress my feelings because of the anger I felt towards my husband.

This memory was triggered recently and although it happened in 1982, it still hurts. To think my child would be 38 years old. That’s hard to fathom.

I’ve never had children. In 1991 I was diagnosed with Cervical cancer and had to have a total hysterectomy which ended the possibility of children.

I wanted to share this memory in order to grieve and to help anyone else who has lost a child and did not have someone there to support you. I understand.

Melinda