More Antics On My Journey In Life

On the way home from work, I vomited in my new Land Rover. I could not pull over fast enough; vomit was everywhere, and I didn’t have any napkins. Once I arrived home, the clean-up began. It was getting late, and I stopped to find I had locked myself out of the house. I was living in a new neighborhood and only had three neighbors. I found a light on, and asked if I could borrow a phone book, and she said yes. Bet I smelled bad, and this was the first time I met her. Even after a professional cleaning, it smelled, and I traded it for something else.

My friends and I went to dinner to celebrate my 33rd birthday. Out of the blue, I got a tattoo and a belly button ring. Several of us drove to a bad part of town because they wanted to watch me get the tattoo. Thank goodness I was drunk. The sign said not to be drunk, but at that age, I was on top of the world.

FYI, the belly button piercing hurt so bad, like your guts were being pulled out. After six months of babying the spot, I took it out.

My gramps had Prostate and Bladder Cancer; the two pushing against each other caused him to have to pee about every 10-15 minutes. My cousin was in a small plane crash and was in really bad shape; Gramps had to go see him. The problem was that the hospital was 1.5 hours away. Knowing that we would be stopping along the way, I took an empty Gatorade bottle for emergencies. I’m flying down the highway close to 100 miles an hour, and Gramps says I have to pee now! I had to push the accelerator all the way down to find an exit. I was Speed Racer! I found a spot, and he peed in the bottle. It wasn’t funny at the time, but it sure is now. 

Melinda

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I completely forgot about the original Good Times On the Highway To Hell and had to share it with you. There a plenty of chuckles in this one.

My brother was my best friend and I have hundreds of great memories. I laugh thinking how we came up with some of our adventures. Looking at the worst years of my life and finding happiness is liberating. These memories made my life feel normal. Some are a chuckle, others a belly roll, and most are just things kids do. I was often the mastermind, no time to waste. I hope it will brighten your day. Maybe spark some memories of your own.

We put sheets and blankets over our double-long clothesline making tepees to hide in. We could get a good thirty minutes of fun before having to look for real fun/trouble. Our dog Sandy got in on the action by pulling the tepees down.

While preparing my stepfather’s house for sale. My mother had finished moping the floor. With no thought on our part, we put pop tarts in our soda and they blew all over the newly mopped kitchen.

My brother was checking out a new Christmas BB Gun and shot me in the leg.

We always fought over who got to lick the cake icing bowl.

My Favorite We didn’t know why but our grandma was babysitting that day. Beyond bored, we start walking down the alley. My brother finds a bag of rotting potatoes, perfect for trouble-making. Our neighbors had a pool and were not home, we threw potatoes in the pool, and a dog bowl, on the house and back door. Little did we know our grandma was looking out the kitchen window watching us. We came into the house like nothing new. We had to wait until neighbors got home, apologize for what we’d done, and clean up the mess. It was nasty to clean but it was worth it.

Popping Bubble Wrap was a huge treat, we would fight over who got the bigger piece, We would lay in the front yard watching the stars popping our bubbles.

I would take Turtle Wax from the garage and mix in a little dirt to see how fast it would eat through a pie pan. Dixie cups melted quickly but pie pans took longer. It was difficult to explain the stains on the picnic table.

I never wore shoes unless forced. My grandfather came over and I was my usual jumping-around self. Looking at the flowers of the weeds in our yard. I enjoyed the simple things. Then I let out a scream, I stepped on a Bubble Bee. My grandfather said “Pud” you’ll be okay. I wandered off to find the bee. It was so pretty and I’d never seen that kind of bee. My grandfather called me “Pud” all my life, my guess is that it was an old people’s term of endearment.

At 4-5 years old, I was across the street playing and my mother started yelling there’s a tornado coming. I didn’t hear her so went to the middle of the street to see what was so important. A tornado is coming get in the house now. OK. My dad was at work so we gathered around the television. It wasn’t long before I had to go to the bathroom. I was so scared, I would not go because the Tornado Man might get me. An important note: my Easy Bake Oven went with the wind.

This was great, my brother came from the store with gum with a small poster in it. He asked if he could put it on the wall, NO! He snuck into her bedroom found a bobby pin, plugged it in an electrical socket, and caught the carpet in his bedroom on fire.

I matured early…..getting my mouth washed out with soap for saying fuck at 4 years old.

We’re on a teeter-totter at our grandparent’s house, I was in the air and spotted a snake. I was screaming like crazy. Gramps came back with a hole but I would not get off the swing. I still hate snakes.

When our teeth were loose we put a string around it, tied it to the doorknob, and then slammed the door. One time it took three tries to get one out. The tooth fairy didn’t leave any extra money.

Gramps and I would have a watermelon seed spitting contest, who could get seed all over the picnic table.

One of the methods of discipline my grandparents used was to go outside and get a switch. If you brought a wimpy one, it was back outside for another.

My grandparents would take us to Ponchos, and we raised the flag for more until we exploded.

We had pampas grass with long razor blades, on each side of our driveway. We made a bike ramp, the goal was to jump over both pampas grass, and the driveway and not get cut to shreds.

Singing to the radio with my dad driving 90 miles an hour, smoking a cigar with windows rolled up and constantly pushing buttons on the radio while changing lanes. We didn’t worry about his driving it was the cheap cigars we complained about.

I’m blessed to have good memories of my childhood.

XO  M

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Another blast from the past that I thought you would get a kick out of. You can read Part 2 here.

At five years old I loved my baton and was quite good. One day I got mad at my mother and bashed several holes in my closet door. There went the baton and the dream. No anger issues here!

A large group of friends and I would tube down the Nacogdoches River every year. It’s a 6-8 hour trip if you do the full stretch. There is a dangerous waterfall along the way. In previous years I would get out with others and haul the beer coolers around the waterfall. It was so hard on my back. One year I decided to go over the waterfall. As I came over to the other side people were taking photos, clapping, and cheering me on, I was acting like I won a marathon, then someone said to look down, no more two pieces bathing suits after that.

This is one story I debated telling in case my brother ever reads my blog. He was about six and taking a bath. He starts yelling for me to come in the bathroom, I hurried in to find he had found a washer and put it on his penis. I’m trying to pull the thing off, you know the rest of the story. I gave up and left him to figure it out

I wore a beautiful white and light-flowered long dress for a school formal and had a florist make a head flower wreath that matched my dress. I thought it looked beautiful, everyone kept calling me Mother Earth. I didn’t take it well at the time, today that would be a huge compliment.

My granny watched my boyfriend and his friend paper our house, never interrupted them, just enjoyed with pleasure. The next morning she wakes me up at 6am to go clean it all up before the neighbors see.

In my bedroom, there was a street light, a street sign that said Goodnight, and 12 orange cones. Granny kept asking where this stuff was coming from. It was on the street was not a lie.

My girlfriend and I took all the orange cones and scattered them randomly in the neighborhood of a certain person on our shit list that week. It was a great payback.

In high school, I spent an hour on my hair every morning. Granny was the alarm clock for the household. One day she overslept and there was only time to dress and go to school. I said I can’t go to school today unless I do my hair. Gramps blew a gasket, “school was more important than my hair, you’re going to school!!” I started washing my hair in the sink, we didn’t have a shower. By the time I came out of the bathroom to blow dry hair granny managed to help Gramps understand how important a girl’s hair is in high school. Yeah, Granny!!!!!!!

I like to end with my favorite story.

I was in love with a Purple Elephant pantsuit my granny made. During recess, I tell the teacher I have to go to the bathroom. No, she said go play. A few minutes later I’m back begging to go to the bathroom, NO again, go play. The third time she said No I said “I’ll use the bathroom right here”. To her surprise I had diarrhea, it ruined my favorite suit, and she never even said sorry.

Melinda

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