As the year winds down, folks across the country are headed home for the holidays to spend time with family and friends. While this is a time of celebration for many, it also presents challenges for some survivors of sexual abuse.

More often than not, the perpetrator of sexual violence is someone the victim knows. This is especially true for those who experience sexual abuse as a child: 93 percent of children know the perpetrator, and 34 percent are abused by a family member. For these survivors, holiday gatherings can mean facing painful memories, feelings of anxiety, or a chance of repeated harm.

During the holiday season, RAINN support specialists for the National Sexual Assault Hotline anticipate helping survivors who are going through a tough time at home or during family gatherings. Here, they share some strategies to help survivors feel safe.

1. Identify alternative housing plans. Survivors who have flexible schedules during the holidays can stay in different places to avoid being in the family home or location where the abuse occurred.

• Consider staying with a friend or non-offending family member.
• Plan a mini-vacation or side trip during the time you would be asked to stay with family.
• Offer to join for family gatherings, but stay in an offsite location, like a motel or hostel (if finances allow). If you are concerned about ongoing safety, keep this location private from the perpetrator.

1. Try to avoid close quarters. For many survivors, family pressures or traditions do not permit them to stay outside the family home. In this situation, survivors can brainstorm ways to avoid the perpetrator during gatherings.

• Make plans that involve leaving the home for an extended period of time, such as volunteering, catching up with old friends, or offering to run errands for the household.
• Think of possible excuses, such as having conflicting plans or needing rest, for not attending events where the offender will be present.
• If it makes you feel safer, stick to common areas and public places within the home or building, such as a living room or kitchen, and try to avoid secluded areas.
• Avoid talking to, sitting near, or standing around the person who hurt you. It’s okay to draw boundaries, even if makes other family members uncomfortable.

1. Reach out to a neutral party. Survivors may feel isolated because of patterns of not being believed, fear of disclosing, or concerns about creating family tensions or division. Sometimes, it can be easier to talk to a neutral third-party that can offer support.

• Reach out to the National Sexual Assault Hotline by phone (800.656.4673) to be connected with a local sexual assault service provider, or chat online with someone who is trained to help.
• Download safety planning or meditation apps for a smartphone or tablet to help with stressful times.
• Read through recovery tips from RAINN, like Self-Care After Trauma and Tips for Survivors on Consuming Media.
• If you are in imminent danger, call 911.

4. Make a plan. Mapping out a game plan for family gatherings—in advance—can help survivors feel safe, comfortable, and prepared.

• Think through logistics. Does this plan require a car or other transportation? Will you need to arrive or depart the family gathering at a certain time?
• Consider how to talk to family if tensions arise. Not everyone is ready or able to disclose what happened—and that’s OK. Make a plan for how to answer tough questions or diffuse a tense situation.

If your safety plan falls through, or if you experience harm, know that you have done nothing wrong. You deserve support. The National Sexual Assault Hotline is free, confidential, and available 24/7: 800.656.HOPE (4673) and online.rainn.org

Westboro Baptist Church is infamous for attacking celebs but it was Blake Shelton who brought to light the hatred of this church. He wanted to do a concert in the arena, the city quickly said the noise level would get to high, I don’t remember every detail. Blake pulled his friends together, they found enough land and turned the show into a Charity event. I can’t recall the disaster at the time however the money went to the town affected. You could not see an empty seat, empty space, the place was over packed. He made some nice references to the church, this was not their first run in.  M

TED Talks

Oct 30, 2017 / Megan Phelps-Roper

FOUR TIPS FOR TALKING TO PEOPLE YOU DISAGREE WITH

Megan Phelps-Roper grew up in the Westboro Baptist Church and was picketing with signs like “gays are worthy of death” at the age of five.

She left 20 years later because strangers on Twitter changed her mind.

“Initially, the people I encountered on the platform were just as hostile as I expected,” she says. But slowly that changed. They started to ask about her beliefs, and she asked about theirs. Their conversations planted seeds of doubt, and slowly her entire worldview shifted — eventually driving her to leave the church (and the beliefs that came with it) behind.

In Megan’s TED Talk, she urges all of us to talk and to listen to the people we disagree with. Here, in her words, are her tips for how to have effective conversations:

1. Don’t assume bad intent.

Assuming ill motives almost instantly cuts us off from truly understanding why someone does and believes as they do. We forget they’re a human being with a lifetime of experience that shaped their mind, we get stuck on that first wave of anger, and the conversation has a very hard time ever moving beyond it.

But when we assume good or neutral intent, we give our minds a much stronger framework for dialogue.

2. Ask questions.

When we engage people across ideological divides, asking questions helps us map the disconnect between our differing points of view. That’s important because we can’t present effective arguments if we don’t understand where the other side is actually coming from and it gives them an opportunity to point out flaws in our positions.

But asking questions serves another purpose; it signals to someone they’re being heard. When my friends on Twitter stopped accusing and started asking questions, I almost automatically mirrored them. Their questions gave me room to speak, but they also gave me permission to ask them questions and truly hear their responses. It fundamentally changed the dynamic of our conversation.

3. Stay calm.

This takes practice and patience, but it’s powerful. When my husband was still just an anonymous Twitter acquaintance, our discussions frequently became hard and pointed, but we always refused to escalate. Instead, he would change the subject. He would tell a joke or recommend a book or gently excuse himself from the conversation. We knew the discussion wasn’t over, just paused for a time to bring us back to an even keel.

People often lament that digital communication makes us less civil, but this is one advantage that online conversations have over in-person ones. We have a buffer of time and space between us and the people whose ideas we find so frustrating. We can use that buffer. Instead of lashing out, we can pause, breathe, change the subject or walk away, and then come back to it when we’re ready.

4. Make the argument.

This might seem obvious, but one side effect of having strong beliefs is we sometimes assume that the value of our position is, or should be, obvious and self-evident; that we shouldn’t have to defend our positions because they’re so clearly right and good; that if someone doesn’t get it, it’s their problem — that it’s not my job to educate them. But if it were that simple, we would all see things the same way.

As kind as my friends on Twitter were, if they hadn’t actually made their arguments, it would’ve been so much harder for me to see the world in a different way. We are all a product of our upbringing, and our beliefs reflect our experiences. We can’t expect others to spontaneously change their own minds. If we want change, we have to make the case for it.

Watch the full talk to hear her extraordinary story:

4 tips for talking to people you disagree with