Xanax is an anchor drug in my medication combo for treating Anxiety/Bipolar Disorder. I’ve taken Xanax for 15 years, it works miracles in keeping me grounded. Working quickly is an advantage with little to no side effects, EXCEPT ADDICTION. The downside side is addiction happens quickly after starting. For me withdraw starts on second day, by fourth day I look like a street addict who would sell my soul for a pill.

The emotional and physical breakdown took me to hell. My deep secrets/scars laughed and taunted me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here are some of the delusions I experienced.

Learned a new language

Surviving in the desert like Jesus

Discovered potential link for Postpartum Depression

In touch with my families Indian blood

Could feel natural body rhythm

Felt small earthquake

Saw Bobcat tracks on front tree

Started writing Country songs

Tweeting Gwen Stefani, Blake Shelton and Pharrell, talked to Gwen and Blake several times, Pharrell retwetted twice. I was flooded with people wanting to follow me after seeing tweets from Gwen. I was overwhelmed.

Locked all computers down, trying to keep myself from writing.

These are some of the out of control thoughts running through my head non-stop

The physical pain is unbearable

Anger, pain, begging God to stop kicking me in stomach, wailing, screaming, throwing up, four days without food.

Having  to transition back one medication a day at a time

Delayed Lyme protocol by a week, reschedule trip to DC by a month

More damage to areas already injured

Strain on marriage

Xanax is a standard drug and withdraw doesn’t cross my mind. I kept some pills in my purse, pills in my office and the remaining pills went into master pill caddy. The trouble is not keeping up with how many total pills you’ve taken. I take several addictive medications for my mental illness and 4-5 addictive medications for Lyme treatment.

I am in pain 24/7 and resisted taking pain medication instead trying  to cover pain with Xanax. Two Xanax and I’m asleep a good 4-6 hours without pain. The Lyme protocol called for 4-5 addictive medications but they rarely put me to sleep. It worked the opposite and I would stay awake 2-3 days at a time which made my pain even worse.

Now all medications stay in bottle or main pill case. Photos are daily log of meds taken that day.

Don’t go thru the pain of withdraw, stay on top of how many days worth you have at all times.

Xx  M

I HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER

MY MENTAL HEALTH IS TIED TOGETHER WITH MULTIPLE MEDICATIONS, THREE OF WHICH I’M ADDICTED TO.  MY STRUGGLE WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER IS BALANCED OUT ON A FOUNDATION BUILT ON XANAX. I AM ADDICTED TO THREE OF THE DRUGS WITH XANAX BEING THE NASTIEST TO WITHDRAW FROM. LYME DIEASE HAS TAKEN MY MEMORY AND I TOOK TO MANY XANAX BEFORE THE NEXT REFILL. IT’S A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE IN TEXAS WHICH MEANS ONLY YOUR DOCTOR CAN APPROVE EVEN ONE PILL BEFORE REFILL. MY DOCTOR WAS ON VACATION AND I WAS BATTLING THE BEAST WITHIN. 

I’m  on the mend, just not well enough to write a post about my journey. Thanks to everyone who has reached out to me. I was able to battle things out at home, there was a point when the questions came up, was it time to go to hospital.

Below are a few comments I’ve made while piecing myself back together. They are not entertaining, quite disgusting actually but IT’S REAL. I have Treatment Resistant Bipolar Disorder with Xanax as the anchor drug.

I’ve lived thru what doctors or instructions may mention about withdraw. IF you were not aware of what Xanax withdraw looks like, FIRST look in the mirror. It’s the patients responsibility to participate with treatment. One critical way is being aware of every angle, good, bad, nasty, uncomfortable, make you beat yourself against the wall, wailing in pain……..I feel like my worst sins have beaten me with a bat bat 24/7 for a week.

I hope one person can read the babbling and come out with something to help themselves, their children, their husband, their wife, a family member, the homeless person on your corner.

I would not spread my guts out if I didn’t believe one person could use my experience. One commitment I made when starting my blog, when it’s ugly I will fly the flag high for anyone who wants to read. If you can’t handle the language, don’t enter the post.

I’m lost without the community. My body will heal up in a few days/a week.

Xx  M

ME:I just read your post about the increase in meds, yes it is scary as hell every time and that’s a gauge you don’t want to lose, it just doesn’t mean an auto NO. You are getting better at trusting, which essential to living with mental illness. Remember, it’s an illness not who you are. Think hard about the increase, what you told the doc, why he believes you need and increase based on what you’ve told him and then you can settle into, ok I’m not taking BECAUSE/I’m taking AND Committing to HOW MANY DAYS/WEEKS TO SEE A CHANGE. IF you are not 100% committed/UNLESS severe side effects/ If committed you have to be willing to go thru the adjustment your body WILL go thru. DOD you know what to look for? How long? When to go to hospital? CRITICAL questions if YOU ARE Taking.

ME: IF NOT TAKING, you can’t sit and wait until next appointment. You have to be able to articulate to doctor WHY you are not going to take. Give the doctor a chance to clear up any questions or misunderstandings. Then If you still are not going to take, no prob. ARE YOU ready to jump off that drug completely, possible some withdraw depending how long taking.OR ARE you willing to keep taking the amount of that drug and take what he suggest next which should address WHY your NOT taking the increased dose.

ME: It SUCKS, it’s a bitch, asshole any name you can think of BUT you have a mental illness, YOU said YOU were going to participate in getting your life on the rails as much as possible no matter how long it takes.
Sorry honey, the facts.

ME: Below is the HELL I’ve been in. You will recognize some of the symptoms because you have not had them in control, even though in HELL you can see WHAT the next level of hell is. This is why you can’t fuck with your meds. This is what happens in various degrees.

ME: I’m exhausted and back to bed for my whole body to rest. Please print out this whole comments, when you are starting to get anxious look at. Xanax is an excellent anti-anxiety med, highly additive and will beat the shit out of you if you fuck with it. That may help you get more in tune with body so you pick up the signals sooner. :)

ME: you are an awesome Christian Sister. The passage brought a tear. At a time when physically I’m all alone, now more than anytime I know there are friends in Christ who are there. Praying for me is a bonus. God brings people down a path, we have no idea what his perfect hands are doing, we’re going about our business. You/I/everyone crosses paths, sometimes they are the path God laid out, that intersection will bring two people together if/when God see’s a need. That is why we crossed paths, and for many others reasons we learn from each other. The last thing on my mind is a blog/my blog/your blog/survivors blog. I’m still putting the pieces of my brain back together. The rest we know is not essential and down on the want pole. Thank you for thinking of survivors, quite possibly a decision I make/or not will have a huge impact. I have to figure out if I’m ready and everyone else is aware and who’s on the boat. Keep you posted as I take another step. Day One 3:30 pm CST
ME: an older messages said moving at nano speed, NOT unless nano backwards is such at thing. Very small steps, my body is better to a pulp from me throwing myself around the bathroom during the three worst days with the beast inside. When you have a mental illness you need medication to function, if the balance is off tiny amount no prob. If you see saw is up in air and down on ground there’s a huge problem. That’s where I’ve been. Lyme has taken my memory, without knowing I took to many Xanax which I require but when you take to many before a refill, it’s hell. When a drug is classified a Controlled Substance, created to slow down addiction in America, only your doctor can approve even one pill. My Doc is half- retired and this past Friday was the absolute earliest it could be filled without my Doc phoning the pharmacy. Withdraw on Xanax which I’ve taken for 15 years is starts to get nasty after 2-3 days. From there it’s straight to hell in a blink of an eye! I learned one thing thru this, exactly what Controlled Substance means.
I’m sure you will file in your huge memory bank should you ever need. I’m off to take photos of what it looks like on paper when I come unwound.

ME: I’ve have seen bad and I’ve seen heaven. UTSW Psychiatric Hospital is where I go to have ECT Treatments to dig me out from under the boulder. It’s a truly welcome sight. I’ve learned all of the above and once I saw how a good/great caring facility takes care to get you on your feet so you and your support team can help while you and doctor work on getting me stable. I almost went there Wednesday night, a medical hospital can’t give me what I needed fast enough. I was near the bottom of the meanest beast, myself, going thru an unintentional need to withdraw. When my husband heard me wailing out of control, banging myself around the bathroom, battered and helpless except to let the beast keep kicking me. He said were going, we didn’t but he thought medical hospital and I knew it was to see my caregivers at UTSW Dallas. Today is Day One, I’m home by myself and although slow I’ve made it thru half a day. I would never hesitate to get in car to go straight there, I’ve been there 20 times.:)