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Aug 2, 2021 / Tiffany Dufu

I used to be a person who was terrified of ever dropping the ball. 

In the US, the term “drop the ball” has very negative connotations. It means you’ve failed to take action or failed to do something you were supposed to do. And by dropping the ball, you often end up disappointing the other people in your life.

I used to feel it was very important to keep all of my balls constantly in the air, whether those balls were my job, my family or the responsibilities in the rest of my life. Plus, as a Black woman, I felt like my dropping the ball had bigger implications especially at work. I worried, “If I mess this up, they’re never going to hire another Black person again.”

What happened to me was I came to a life-changing moment where I wasn’t able to keep all of my balls in the air and I wasn’t able to do everything beautifully and perfectly. For me, it was the birth of my first child, but for other people, it could be almost anything else — a diagnosis; you finally get the promotion of your dreams and realize it’s harder to be the boss than you thought; or a pandemic that’s hit the entire globe.

No one called to tell me they didn’t love me anymore, I didn’t lose my job, and no one came to arrest me because I had unpaid parking tickets.

After I dropped my balls, I had an epiphany.

Which was this: Even though my balls were rolling all over the floor, the world didn’t end. No one called to tell me they didn’t love me anymore, I didn’t lose my job, and no one came to arrest me because I had unpaid parking tickets.

So I started to question why so many of us feel so much pressure to deliver constantly and at a very high level all of the time. Maybe what we really need to do is drop the unrealistic expectations about how we always need to have it all together.

I decided to reappropriate the term “dropping the ball” and now it means “doing less and achieving more”.

Dropping the ball in this way involves three steps:
1. Getting clear about what matters most to you;
2. Figuring out what you hope to achieve and how your highest and best use can help you get there;
3. Engaging other people in your journey.

Let me break them down for you.

At your funeral, what would you want a friend, a family member or a coworker to say about you?

The first and most effective step requires you to get clear about what matters most to you and your life. One of the most powerful exercises I like to do was made popular by Stephen Covey in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. For the exercise, you imagine the end of your life and your eulogy. I know this seems sad or depressing, but given that a lot of people around the globe are losing their lives to this virus, it’s actually a prescient thing to do.

So at your funeral, what would you want a friend, a family member or a coworker to say about you? You probably wouldn’t want them to stand up and say: “She got a lot of things done on her to-do list every day.” Instead, you probably want them to say something about the impact you had on the world.

Ask 10 people to tell you about a time when they’ve experienced you at your best, what are the things you do well with little effort, and what are the things that only you can do.

The second step involves focusing on what you hope to achieve in the important areas of your life — and how your highest and best use can help you get there. While my career is important to me, what really matters in that sphere is that I’m working to advance women and girls in the world. My marriage is important, but what really matters is that I’m nurturing a healthy partnership. My kids are obviously important, but what really matters is that I’m raising conscious global citizens.

After that, you can move on to what you should be doing and how you put your particular abilities and skills — what I call your highest and best use — to work to accomplish those goals. If you’re thinking “I don’t know what my highest and best use is”, one great exercise to identify it is to talk to the people in your life.

Ask 10 people who’ve known you in different parts of your time on this planet to tell you about a time when they’ve experienced you at your best, what are the things you do well with little effort, and what are the things that only you can do. Then listen to what they say. If you can transcribe their responses — amazing! After you have them down on paper, circle words, phrases and themes that keep coming up or that really resonate for you.

You can’t just drop the ball and not let anyone know — I’ve tried this and it doesn’t work.

The third step involves enlisting other people in your journey. You need to get the people in your life on board with you dropping the ball. You can’t just drop the ball and not let anyone know — I’ve tried this and it doesn’t work.

Let’s start with your boss, because that’s usually the person for which people push back and tell me, “There’s no way I can drop the ball with her.” But you can.

When you talk to her, use a strategy that I call “leading with the forest and then getting into the trees”. This means appealing to what really matters to someone else. For bosses, what matters most are usually the outcomes and results that they want their team members to achieve in a given period of time.

When you consciously drop the ball at home, I think you’ll discover that the expectations you hold for yourself are so much higher than those held by the people who love you.

Let’s say you’ve decided your highest use in your career is establishing meaningful collaborations and you want to spend more time doing this. You could frame your request to your boss by saying something like “I feel like if I spent more time with the clients and a little bit less time on the administrative side, I could get our company to its strategic goal. Are you open to a conversation about how I might be able to reprioritize things and potentially give some opportunities to someone else on the team so we can hit the mark?”

Then if a colleague is going to feel the impact of you deciding to drop the ball, you need to be proactive and go to them and say, “Hey, I just want to let you know I’m playing with an idea. I know it sounds scary, but I actually think it’s going to increase my productivity and the productivity of the team. I want to tell you in advance about what I’m going to be doing, so we can have a conversation about how it might impact you and make sure you’re not feeling any negative effects.” Proactive communication like this is critical.

In terms of dropping the ball at home, what’s really important is to come to any family conversations with grace and humility. Admit what they’ve already experienced — they’ve probably had to deal with you being overwhelmed and you being stressed and the repercussions of this pressure.

A conversation with your kids might go like this: “I know this seems like a strange conversation I’m having with you, but I really want to be a good mom. I’ve been feeling extremely overwhelmed and stressed, and I feel like there’s all these things I have on my list I need to do to be a good mom. Because I can’t do them, it’s making me have a short temper. Sometimes I know I yell at you guys when I don’t mean to. I feel like it would be better if I could focus on what you feel is most important for me to be a good mom. Could we talk about what those top three things are? I was also hoping I might be able to engage you guys to do a couple of things around the house — this would really help me be my best self.”

Every time you stop doing the things that don’t align with your highest purpose, you’re modeling this behavior — and humility and vulnerability — for others.

Those of us who are perfectionists will want to continue doing everything to the best of our abilities — even when it makes us crazy or exhausted. But when you consciously drop the ball at home, I think you’ll discover that the expectations you hold for yourself are so much higher than those held by the people who love you and are around you. You can minimize your to-do list simply by asking your loved ones what’s most important to them.

Keep this in mind: When you drop the ball openly and thoughtfully in the different areas of your life, you won’t only be benefiting yourself. You’ll be helping everyone around you too. Every time you show your limitations, focus on using your unique gifts and stop doing the things that don’t align with your highest purpose, you’re modeling this behavior — and humility and vulnerability — for others. And that’s something we need more of in this world.

This post was adapted from a recent LinkedIn Live conversation with Tiffany Dufu, founder and CEO of The Cru, a peer coaching platform aimed at diverse, mid-career women. Apply to join now and receive one month free from an annual membership when you mention LinkedIn as a referral. To learn more, email contact@thecru.com

As we age, everything that was once taken for granted will become more difficult. Often, friends and family will need to step in and care for you. 

If a loved one of yours needs to be looked after, then it may seem like the right thing to do to take care of them. But before you do decide to take care of someone in this way, it is important that you consider everything that is involved in caring for elderly relatives. Elder-care is more than a full-time job, and it will be both emotionally and physically challenging. 

Here is everything you should think about when taking care of an elderly relative. 

Keeping Medication Organized

One of the most important aspects of caring for an elderly relative is that you’ll need to make sure that they are taking any medication that they are on when they need to. They may be on several different medications for a variety of different conditions. Make sure you know about their medical conditions and understand what the medication is for. In addition, you should get to know more about the medication, including: 

• When the medication needs to be taken
• What dosage do they require
• When you can order repeat prescriptions 

You may be required to administer their medication or to check each day to ensure it has been taken. 

Carrying Out Housework

If the elderly relative that you are caring for has limited mobility, then you may need to help them with their housework. While this may mean carrying out major tasks such as cleaning the whole house, it may also involve smaller tasks such as washing the dishes. 

Assisting With Mobility 

Since mobility is a problem for many older people, there are risk factors that you should be aware of. You may need to supervise or provide mobility aids to help them get about their day without having any slips, trips, or falls. 

Make sure that the home environment is safe for them. This could involve making sure that the house is free from clutter, that the walkways are clear, that there are handrails throughout the home, that there is a stairlift in place, that walkers or wheelchairs are available as needed. 

This wheelchair guide will talk you through finding the right wheelchair for the relative that you are caring for. 

You should go through the house and identify any potential risks and make the necessary changes. 

You’ll Need a Bathing Routine

Personal hygiene and health go hand-in-hand. Wherever possible, you should ensure that the relative that you’re caring for has some sense of independence when it comes to bathing and washing. To achieve this, you could provide handrails in the bathroom, along with baths and showers that are easily accessible. 

When someone is unable to clean themselves, you will need to help them. Creating a bathing and washing routine is essential. This will ensure your loved one will stay clean all of the time. This will be even more important if your relative is either bed-bound or incontinent, as sores may form if you don’t keep proper hygiene.

You’ll Need to Cook for Your Relative

Unless your elderly relative is able to cook themselves, you will very likely to do this on their behalf every day. Make sure that you provide a healthy balanced diet that is not only varied, but that is also interesting. Make sure that mealtimes are something to look forward to. 

If you want to save yourself some time, you may want to batch cook some meals so that these can be quickly reheated another day. 

You May Need To Lift Your Relative

If the person that you are caring for has mobility issues, then it will be essential that you help them to get around. To do this, you may need to lift them up. If this is something that you need to do, ensure you do it safely and consider your own body. Make sure that you are not putting yourself at risk at all. 

There may be lifting equipment that you can buy that will help you to lift your loved one safely. There may also be courses that you can take that teach you safe lifting and handling. 

You’ll Need To Help Your Relative To Exercise 

It is essential that you help keep your elderly relative as active as possible. Even if your elderly relative has mobility problems, there will be some exercises that they can do. This may just mean doing simple movements with their arms and feet. Find some basic routines that they can complete. Join in with the exercises with them to make them feel more at ease while they’re doing them. 

You Will Need To Run Errands

There will often be errands that need to be run. If your elderly relative is unable to do them, you will need to do them on their behalf. This may mean going to the shop, paying bills for them, returning their library books, and much more. Try to maintain a routine so that you can easily keep up with the required errands. 

There May Be Hospital Procedures 

If your relative needs to go into the hospital for a procedure, you’ll need to be there to help them out with their aftercare. Make sure that you’re there to speak with the doctor and find out what you’ll need to do in terms of caring for them after the procedure. You will also need to ensure they are able to attend any follow-up appointments. 

Providing End of Life Care

One of the hardest things that you’ll need to deal with is the end of life care. It will be important that you know exactly when you should call a hospice. 

With all the best intentions, there will be times when caring for someone that you are close to will get to be too much for you. Make sure that you take a break whenever possible, and build a support network around yourself. 

This is a collaborative post.

Melinda

August 31st is Overdose Awareness Day and I can’t think of a better resource to add to the growing list on my Organizations Who Can Help Page.

At DetoxRehabs.net, we provide expert information for individuals and families struggling to find recovery by vetting and researching rehab centers. Our site makes it easy to find the top five centers in your home state or out of state. We also provide information for different community needs, such as help for our veterans, LGBTQ+ friendly programs, free or Medicaid accepting treatment, and pet-friendly facilities. 

We recognize the importance of educating yourself during your recovery journey, and so we pride ourselves in providing free educational guides that answer questions such as:

• Can Marijuana Treat Postnatal Depression?
• Telltale Symptoms of Children Using Drugs
• How to Identify the Early Signs of Mental Health Issues

Katherine Clarke
Community Outreach
DetoxRehabs.net

Please check them out or any of the other organizations that may be able to help with what you or a loved one is struggling with.

Melinda

Child abuse and neglect is a heartbreaking reality that affects many people. Unfortunately, it can be tough to spot the signs of child abuse or neglect. 

The list below contains some warning signs that you should watch out for if you suspect someone might be abusing their child. The blog post discusses all the different types of warning signs of child abuse and neglect to look out for.

Children can get abused due to various reasons. For instance, a child living with a foster family is more likely to be in this situation. Besides, inheritance disputes among families on what children should inherit can often lead to abuse. If this happens, ensure you consult with an estate lawyer for the way forward regarding property allocation. 

Anger and Hostility 

Suppose a parent is very hostile or angry with the child and this behavior occurs relatively often. In that case, it may indicate that something more serious could also be happening, like physical abuse of their children. The frequency of explosive anger episodes can increase over time and become worse if not appropriately addressed by family members or professionals.

School Absenteeism 

Another way to see this is when a student misses school frequently or starts skipping class. This could happen for various reasons. Such include bullying at school, homesickness while away from their parents, and being embarrassed to go in front of the whole classroom because they are struggling with an assignment. 

The key here is to pay attention and be aware of changes in a student’s attendance which may indicate that something else is going on in their life.

Depression and Anxiety 

Children getting abused or neglected often experience depression and anxiety, which can manifest in many ways, including problems with concentration, withdrawal from social situations, nightmares after the incident, and difficulty sleeping. 

They might also seem unusually fearful when going to bed at night or seem overly compliant with adults. The child’s anxiety around specific activities or objects may be a sign they recall past abuse.

Eating More Than Usual at a Meal 

This is a sign of self-neglect. When people are experiencing emotional or physical abuse, they may feel that their needs don’t matter and stop taking care of themselves. It can also happen when someone in the family has an eating disorder (such as bingeing). 

It’s essential to be aware when one child eats more than the others or eats more than usual. This could be a sign of child abuse and neglect!

Fear in Their Eyes

The fear in a child’s eyes is something that every parent or caregiver should watch out for. If you notice the eyes looking at you with terror, it may be time to have someone else look into what is going on behind closed doors.

Parenting is a difficult job, but many resources can help take some of the weight off. For example, the use of an online resource like Childline may be able to provide valuable information about abuse and neglect in your community. You might also want to consider speaking with someone at your local school or preschool. Additionally, it would help if you considered asking the child directly about their well-being.

This is a collaborative post.

Melinda

For many parents, conversations surrounding a teen’s mental health aren’t unusual, and there’s luckily now plenty of advice around how to deal with this increasingly common problem. Yet, when you do a blanket search on the internet, it becomes painfully obvious that there’s almost no advice of the same kind about parenting when you yourself are struggling with mental health issues.

This is an especially worrying omission when you consider that approximately 68% of women and 57% of men who experience mental illness also have children, while 15-23% of children have parents who are experiencing some kind of mental illness. Worse, representation of this issue in the media tends to be poorly portrayed and even suggests that mentally unwell parents can do real damage. As well as being drastically misplaced, this blame can worsen an already difficult situation, and it’s something we hope to help you overcome by considering a few healthy coping mechanisms to prevent your mental illness from ever becoming an issue for the wellbeing of your family. 

Make a plan

Mental illnesses including depression, anxiety, and schizophrenia can accumulate in a kind of ‘brain fog’ that makes concentration and daily tasks a challenge. This is a significant concern for parents who are worried about forgetting key aspects of parental care. To remove that pressure, many parents working through mental health find it useful to make a plan. Obviously, this plan should make way for large-scale things first, like estate planning with a family attorney not long after the birth, or even putting the wheels in motion for a home purchase, etc. Daily, planning things like meals, school pickup times, and even outfit choices can make it far easier to reassure yourself that you’re meeting your child’s needs, and to keep things on a steady level for your children no matter how bad you’re feeling. 

Picture Credit: CC0 License

Open communication at all times

The silence surrounding mental health is an increasingly worrying problem and never is that more the case than when parenting is concerned. Certainly, parents who worry about overwhelming their children avoid talking about their own mental health altogether, thus creating an ongoing cycle of silence. By speaking out about your struggles, not only do you ensure that your children are more likely to speak out if they experience the same, but also that they always understand what’s happening and why. 

Embrace outside support

Outside support is also essential when things get difficult. Support groups and therapy sessions can prove invaluable for this purpose, providing a professional setting that your child can trust, but outside support networks including family and friend units can also provide a safe haven that’s going to make a huge difference to how your child is able to cope with different situations.

Mental illness makes life undeniably difficult, and parenting can certainly fall under that umbrella, but there’s nothing to say that a parent experiencing mental illness can’t still ensure a thriving, supportive, and even happy family environment by simply approaching the matter with these pointers in mind. 

This is a collaborative post.

Melinda