Moving home, while stressful, can open many doors for your future. For example, it could provide you with the chance to pursue your dream career or simply make a fresh start for better mental health. However, in order to make the move possible (and find your dream home), you need to ensure that you can first sell (or lease) your current property.
Perhaps the easiest way to achieve this goal is by simply ensuring that you leave your property at its best – having undergone any necessary maintenance ahead of time. Not only will this make it easier to sell your home, but it could also increase its value significantly as you’re not leaving any costly or expensive tasks for the new buyer to tackle themselves.
However, during the renovation process, it’s also important that you take both the interior and exterior of your property into consideration. For example, you should take the necessary steps required to improve your home’s curbside appeal. After all, the front of your property is the first thing they will see when they come to a viewing – and first impressions always count when it comes to the property market.
With that in mind, here are four simple ways in which you can improve the curbside appeal of your home!
Add a fresh coat of paint
While the paint used on the outside of your home is likely extremely durable, it won’t last forever. In fact, you may have already noticed that the paint has chipped or cracked in certain places – likely the result of bad weather. Therefore, one way in which you can enhance the curbside appeal of your home is by adding a fresh touch of paint ahead of time – opting for a clean, neutral color.
Take care of your windows
Dirty, smudged, or otherwise damaged windows will not exactly impress a potential buyer. Therefore, you should ensure that you arrange to have them cleaned regularly by working alongside reputable cleaning companies such as Labor Panes. Furthermore, undergoing regular maintenance will also make you aware of any potential problems – such as chips or cracks – that need to be repaired sooner rather than later.
Keep your garden in good order
While you may not be the best gardener in the world, spending a little time ensuring that your front lawn looks clean and tidy is another great way to impress a potential buyer. For example, at the very least, you should ensure that the grass is not overgrown. In addition to improving your home’s curb appeal, gardening can improve your mental health.
Change your front door
Changing your front door is another easy way in which you can enhance the kerbside appeal of your home – especially if you opt for a statement piece. While you should avoid bright colors, don’t be afraid to select a bright or bold design that is sure to catch a buyer’s eye. If you don’t want to splash out on an entirely new door, consider giving it a fresh coat of paint.
This post is part of TED’s “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from people in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.
I was churning through social media feeds one morning when the phrase “tough compassion” made me pause mid-scroll.
On a podcast episode, psychologist, Greater Good Science Center founding director and TEDxBerkeley speaker Dacher Keltner described the idea, explaining how some contemplatives practice a form of kindness — but with a decided edge.
“In the deeper traditions of compassion, like a lot of the Buddhist traditions, they have an idea of tough compassion — to step in and, in a good way, guide the person to a different form of behavior or out,” said Keltner.
An uncompromising approach to compassion is one you can try when other attempts to engage with difficult people fail.
The concept stuck with me because it seemed so at odds with the way many people today are socialized to think about compassion. Among some, a compassion-centered lifestyle is one shared in breezy, pastel-colored Insta posts and involves attending idyllic retreats and practicing meditation. And giving someone else an honest piece of our minds isn’t it.
It might be time to paint a new picture of compassion. When it comes to reducing suffering in the world, an uncompromising approach to compassion often trumps a pastel-hued one — and it’s an approach you can try when other attempts to engage with difficult people fail.
“The Dalai Lama always had this greater good analysis,” Keltner later told me. “Like, ‘What does it bring about? Is being hard in the moment going to bring about greater well-being or kindness for a lot of people?’”
Warm and fuzzy compassion has little power to sway relatives who spout conspiracies or counter leaders who tout equality while harvesting the fruits of privilege.
The case for tough compassion
Tough compassion is gaining traction because the rosy version is proving so unequal to the present moment, which has been defined by human failures to meet challenges posed by the pandemic, widespread inequality and climate change.
Of course, there will always be a “soft” side to compassion. It’s always crucial to learn how to be a calm sounding board or comfort grieving loved ones. But warm and fuzzy compassion has little power to sway relatives who spout conspiracies, stop close friends from radicalizing online or counter leaders who tout equality while harvesting the fruits of privilege.
In the Buddhist contemplative tradition, the goal of true compassion is to find ways to promote the least suffering for everyone. In this broader framing, nodding along with someone’s bigotry, bullying, or falsehoods for the sake of preserving that relationship is the opposite of compassion. It interferes with peace-building on a societal level, even though it might seem on the surface like a nonviolent act.
If you’re a parent, you probably practice small-scale tough compassion on a daily basis, vetoing pre-dinner snacks or enforcing homework time before kids go out. Larger-scale tough compassion flows from a similar source: the willingness to bear — and even inflict — some discomfort in the moment to promote longer-term well-being.
“Our actions implicate a lot of people,” Keltner says. “You’ve got to step back and think about all the utilities and consequences downstream.”
“You have this sense, and you’re in the position to assume, that this is a struggle they have to face,” Keltner says. “It’s good for them.”
The Dalai Lama has spoken of the importance of this kind of tough love. It means that if your aunt makes an offhand racist remark or your work buddy insults a colleague, tough compassion involves speaking up — without rancor, but with conviction — if your goal is to promote less suffering for all.
“By withdrawing from the conversation, you don’t force the other person to really have to encounter a different set of values,” says Medical College of Wisconsin psychologist Zeno Franco, whose research focuses on community engagement.
In committing to tough compassion, you buy into a certain kind of risk-benefit calculus. You accept the discomfort involved in hopes that the other person will consider a different way of engaging, one that will carry over into her interactions with others, and perhaps even their interactions with those close to them.
“Our actions implicate a lot of people,” Keltner says. “You’ve got to step back and think about all the utilities and consequences downstream.”
In Franco’s view, tough compassion involves conveying that you value someone as a person while disagreeing openly with what they are doing.
Tough compassion in practice
It’s one thing to endorse the tough-compassion approach, and quite another to try to make it work. What does it actually look like to show uncompromising compassion in the moment? And when someone in your life does something that’s actively harmful, what’s the best way to guide them without outright coercing or controlling?
In Franco’s view, tough compassion involves conveying that you value someone as a person while disagreeing openly with what they are doing. When he calls loved ones out for hateful or harmful behavior, he’s not shy about saying what he thinks.
But at the same time, “I try to remain accessible as a human being who can be vulnerable, who can be hurt, and who can appreciate the person,” he says. “Part of that is thinking about how to respond in a way that is not designed to escalate, but almost to reach past the ‘facts’ or points that they are making to where what they are saying impacts me at an emotional level.”
If you want to hold a relative accountable for homophobic remarks, for instance, you can describe the effects of that kind of behavior on people close to you.
A powerful way to convey this emotional impact is through storytelling, says Juliana Tafur, a filmmaker and founder of the Listen Courageously project.
If you want to hold a relative accountable for homophobic remarks, for instance, you can describe the effects of that kind of behavior on people close to you: “My good friend is gay, and she hears insults like that all the time. She’s also been attacked in public. Because of that, it’s hard for her to trust that people are going to respect her as a human being.”
With storytelling, you can take a tough stance and show the other person the results of their actions without launching a direct attack. When you do this, “you’re really communicating — in a way that is enveloped in compassion — your fundamental boundaries, what you can and cannot accept, and inviting the other person into that conversation,” says Tania Diaz, a psychologist at Albizu University. Studies show that this story-based approach can create significant change in people’s worldviews.
Even when you know you’ll create more lasting change through dialogue than exclusion, you may have to push past significant inner resistance to engage in these conversations. Showing any kind of compassion — even tough compassion — to a person who behaves harmfully can feel like a form of surrender, or like tacit acceptance of their behavior. But from the broader perspective of reducing suffering, what might seem like fraternizing with the enemy can be a potent way to guide someone on to a less toxic path.
“When you listen, truly understand and get curious, it creates space for the person to think a little bit differently,” says Diaz.
“A lot of people have this misunderstanding that if I engage or listen, I am somehow going to be tainted or I’m going to be influenced,” Diaz says. When she facilitates these conversations, she’s found that quite the opposite is true. “When you listen, truly understand and get curious, it creates space for the person to think a little bit differently.”
To avoid shaming the other person into submission — a tactic studies show can backfire by making people withdraw from the situation — you can go on to explain how a change of course would be a win-win scenario, for the other person as well as for the world at large. “I show them what life might be like after they change and explain the positives,” says Dian Grier, a licensed clinical social worker in Mojave, California. That might mean pointing out that your homophobic relative will have a much better relationship with gay nieces and nephews if he chooses to engage with them differently.
Tough compassion, by contrast, is like an anchor pole that holds fast no matter how hard the rope tugs on it.
Holding fast
Perhaps the biggest challenge of practicing tough compassion is staying internally grounded while emotional storms rage. When you take a stand, other people may fire back with remarks that send your heart hammering. If you’re not prepared, that physical reaction can propel you straight into a “lizard brain,” fear-based mindset where you’re more likely to fall back on old, reactive rules of engagement.
Tough compassion, by contrast, is like an anchor pole that holds fast no matter how hard the rope tugs on it. “In those moments, I’m trying to be fully present and yet no longer upset,” Franco says. “The intent of every word is thought through to take the argument almost to a different place.”
To hone this kind of in-the-moment composure, it can help to write down some thoughts beforehand about what you want to say to someone or the kind of stories you want to tell. Then, once you’re up for it, schedule a real-life conversation or Zoom. This face-to-face connection often feels more humanizing than a long text thread, and deciding where and when it happens can help you feel more in control of the process.
In line with the Buddhist teaching of dropping attachment to results, the tough-compassion approach is simultaneously about holding fast and letting go.
But while tough-compassion conversations can be fertile ground for shifting others’ perspectives, your own well-being should always remain front and center. To steer clear of potentially traumatic encounters, “you need to know if the other person is in a position to be willing and able to engage in that conversation with you,” Tafur says. “And I think you’ll know that right off the bat.”
If someone ridicules your attempts at dialogue or continues to sling insults, “the tough-compassion act is to leave or disengage,” Keltner says. Exiting from a harmful situation can be its own form of uncompromising truth-telling.
In line with the Buddhist teaching of dropping attachment to results, the tough-compassion approach is simultaneously about holding fast and letting go. At its core, tough compassion is about “creating space for dialogue to unfold,” Diaz says. “Ultimately, that person decides if they’re going to shift.”
Elizabeth Svoboda is a writer based in San Jose, California, and a regular contributor to the Greater Good. She is also the author of the book What Makes a Hero?: The Surprising Science of Selflessness, and her newest book is The Life Heroic.
I started my first blog, Defining Memories in 2005 to help me grieve the death of my beloved granny. After several years my post became more personal and the name didn’t work so Looking for the Light was born in 2009.
Looking for the Light has evolved over the years and will continue to grow, we’ll grow together. I want to stretch myself, provide better, more valuable information, and will continue to take you to the lead.
I write for myself but in writing, my hope is that someone, just one person can find hope in the future and as they as light at the end of the tunnel.
I thank everyone who has ever crossed my path. You’ve helped me grow and continue to look honestly at myself when sharing my story. I believe today as I did with my first post, sharing our stories is important and everyone has a story.
You’ve taught me so much about myself, life, and the human spirit. Each day of every week your comments lift me up, teach me new ideas, and often humor me. Thank you for taking the time to drop a note to speak your mind. It really does mean so much to me.
If I’ve changed your life in any way, I would love to hear from you. This is a good time for renewing the spirit and hearing your stories.
There’s no getting away from the fact that everyone ages, and as a person gets older, their lifestyle habits and needs might change, along with their healthcare requirements. You’re likely reading this today because you’ve got elderly parents.
You also want your parents to stay as fit and healthy as possible so they can keep leading independent lives. But, what can you do to facilitate those goals and support them? The following are some practical suggestions you can consider:
Check Their Healthcare Needs
Firstly, it makes sense to confirm that their healthcare needs get met. As you can imagine, medication and other healthcare needs can change as a person gets older, plus there’s also the cost factor to consider.
With that in mind, it’s worth checking their qualifications for Medicare, so they don’t have to worry about how to pay for any medication, treatments, or visits to specialists. Next, you should determine whether they need a review of any existing medication.
You can do that by arranging for them to visit their doctor and have a medication review, plus a medical to check for any potential future health concerns. After all: the last thing you want is for your parents to lead a painful life in their senior years due to a missed diagnosis.
Encourage Them to Do Outdoor Activities
Everyone knows that it’s crucial to remain active throughout your life to ensure your body has the best chance of performing well. Physical exercises help the body to burn off fat, and they’re also helpful for ensuring optimal brain function and mental health.
You don’t need to make your elderly parents run marathons each year, of course! However, you should encourage them to take up regular outdoor activities to suit their fitness levels and health.
For example, going for a daily walk to a local park or beach, if they leave by the coast, is an excellent way to boost their physical health and mental wellbeing. They could also take up other outdoor activities like yoga, dancing, and aerobics.
Help Them Eat Healthily
The trouble with today’s world of convenience is that more people are eating the wrong types of food because they are easy to consume. It’ll come as no surprise that more people eat processed foods high in salt, sugar, saturated fat, and other unhealthy ingredients.
Make sure that your elderly parents eat a healthy, balanced diet. Did you know that you can have delicious yet healthy ready-made meals delivered to their home? All they need to do is microwave them or heat them up in their ovens.
It’s also important that your parents don’t forgo eating fresh fruits and consume unhealthy snacks like chocolate bars.
Help Them Find Fun Senior Citizen Programs
Lastly, your parents will undoubtedly have an array of fun senior citizen programs in their local area. They can enroll in some of those programs to help maintain their physical health and be more socially active.
Such programs are perfect as your parents will get to mix with other like-minded individuals in their age group and make new lifelong friends along the way.
Memory loss is very common in elderly people and even if they do not develop a serious condition like Alzheimer’s or dementia, it is likely that they will forget things from time to time. In some cases, this doesn’t really affect their life too much but it can make it difficult for them to live independently if they forget important things, like taking medication or eating.
As we get older, it falls to us to care for elderly loved ones, and managing memory issues is often a big part of this. If you want them to be able to live independently, you need to find ways to help them manage their memory problems so they can be safe and comfortable. Here’s how you can support an elderly family member with memory problems.
Be Realistic About The Scale Of The Problem
Often, it can be hard to admit that your loved ones are losing their memory and so people are in denial about it. They just put it down to age and say that it’s not that serious, they’re just forgetting a few details here and there. However, if somebody in your life is suffering from Alzheimer’s or dementia, they need a lot of care and assistance if they are able to live safely. So, be realistic about the situation and if you are concerned, take them to the doctor to get checked. You may need to consider long-term care options like a senior community with a dedicated memory care service. If you are not honest with yourself and your family about the scale of the problem, you could be putting your loved ones in danger.
Be Understanding
Memory loss is very frustrating and when they forget things, they may get angry about it. If they forget something very important, it could be frustrating for you too. But if you are not understanding the situation, it only makes things worse. It’s important that you are patient with them and you reassure them that you forget things too and it’s ok. The more understanding you are, the less stressful this situation will be for them.
Write Lists
Lists are the easiest way to remember things, so when you visit loved ones, talk to them about their schedule for the next few days and then write some simple lists to help them remember things. Sticky notes around the house can be very helpful too. For example, if they need to take medication, put a small note somewhere they will see when they get up, so they always remember. If they have a smartphone and they are comfortable using it, you can add reminders to it as well.
Help Them Keep Their Brain Active
Keeping your brain active is so important as you get older and it helps to slow and prevent memory loss. If you are concerned about a loved one’s memory, you should find ways to keep their brain active as much as possible. Helping them to be more socially active is very beneficial, and you could encourage them to do puzzles and play games too.
Dealing with memory loss is tough but it’s something that many of us will experience. If you follow these steps, you can support a loved one with memory loss.
Your self-esteem emphasizes confidence in your values and abilities, making it worth nurturing. Not only does it give you a sense of purpose, but you can also be yourself without apology. Besides, you can make sound decisions and nurture good relationships while achieving your goals. What’s more, research indicates that people with higher self-esteem are happier and more satisfied with their lives.
Despite its numerous benefits, many people still struggle with their self-esteem. An NBC survey reveals that 85% of Americans have low confidence levels, reiterating its prevalence. Besides, it triggers anxiety, depression, and drug abuse risks while impairing your productivity. Fortunately, you can improve your confidence and lead a happier life. That said, here are some practical ways to build your self-esteem.
Identify and manage your triggers
According to Psychologist Suzanne Lachmann, low self-esteem has an origin that should be tackled to improve your life’s quality. Not only does it help you heal faster, but it also keeps your mental health in check. Triggers can be memories or experiences that evoke an intense reaction, including bullying, harsh criticisms, rejection, betrayal, or failure, among others. However, identifying and managing them is an essential step towards increasing your self-worth.
You may observe and consider signs like sweaty palms or pounding heart when you remember or experience something. By all means, understand these reactions instead of fighting them, and own your feelings. It’s also prudent to assure yourself that nothing is your fault and get rid of any guilt. By doing these, you’ll quickly notice any triggers and handle them appropriately.
Refuse harmful or inaccurate thinking
Your inner thoughts can be your powerful stepping stone or your biggest demotivation, depending on how you utilize them. If you persistently think about your failures, blame, shame, and belittle yourself, then you are significantly damaging your self-esteem. What’s more, these crippling thoughts can discourage you and increase your anxiety and depression levels. Moreover, a University College London study revealed that people with persistent negative thoughts are more likely to experience cognitive decline and dementia. It’s therefore prudent to lay off these damaging thoughts and build positive ones.
Fortunately, you can adopt specific strategies to improve your thinking. For instance, you shouldn’t ruminate over past mistakes but instead, view them as opportunities to be better. Although you may experience some negative thoughts periodically, it’s best not to dwell on them for long to avoid demeaning yourself. You can also monitor your thinking patterns and practice mindfulness to connect to your positive thoughts and feelings. Yoga has proven to be effective against negativity, so you may leverage this helpful exercise. By all means, avoid dwelling on your negative traits and focus on your unique features.
Build positive relationships and avoid toxic ones
Research by Dr. Michelle A. Harris and associates indicated that people with positive social relationships and support tend to have higher self-esteem and vice versa. Besides, good friends and family act as a buffer against overwhelming experiences and encourage personal growth and development. What’s more, they give you pleasure and joy, while improving your life’s quality. Toxic people, on the other hand, drain you of happiness and purpose. They may also manipulate you to act against your will, leaving you demoralized and worthless. Therefore, it’s advisable to keep good people around you and avoid toxic ones.
Although the world moves at a fast pace, it’s best to create time for your friends and family. For instance, you may organize a weekly or monthly get-together to have fun and uplift each other. You may also schedule regular phone calls if you can’t meet up physically. It’s prudent to be honest about your struggles, as they can help you see your value. You can also say no to manipulating friends and call them out on their behavior. Feel free to end your friendship if they refuse to change their demeaning attitude towards you.
Practice self-compassion
The truth is, no one will love you more than you, making it imperative you give yourself some TLC. Besides, loving yourself increases your happiness levels and motivates you to achieve more incredible things. Moreover, it helps you to recover from significant setbacks while triggering your growth mindset quickly. It also reduces your mental health risks while enhancing your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. You also get to avoid unhealthy comparisons and appreciate your strengths. Therefore, you may take steps to treat yourself right.
For starters, you may focus on improving your overall health. It’s prudent to eat healthy meals with essential vitamins and take healthy beverages. By all means, stay hydrated and exercise at least three times weekly to keep your body fit. It’s also essential to work on your appearance to look more attractive. For instance, you can use treatments like the
Duac Gel to improve your facial features and purchase a new outfit to flatter your figure. Feel free to take a vacation when you feel stressed, and refuse to overwork yourself. By all means, learn to live in the present and be grateful for its pleasures.
Overcome your fear of failure
People with low self-esteem often avoid taking on challenges because they doubt their ability to succeed. They fear failure and will often make excuses or play the blame game to avoid trying altogether. However, this can cause you to lose life-changing opportunities and keep you stagnant. Besides, you can develop harmful habits like self-sabotage which will leave you dissatisfied and worsen your self-esteem. It’s therefore imperative to overcome your fears and tackle new challenges.
Although it might be challenging, you can take gradual steps to overcome your fear of failure. For instance, you may set a few small goals to keep you focused on upcoming tasks and visualize yourself succeeding. Again, you should leverage positive thinking to keep you calm when you face some setbacks. Perhaps, you can create a contingency plan to boost your confidence if you are afraid of failing. The goal is to become better in your endeavors, so you need to learn from every failure you experience and improve yourself.
Be kind to others
Kindness offers numerous benefits, including decreased anxiety and increased lifespan. However, various studies revealed that people who practice kindness have higher self-esteem than those who don’t. Besides, putting a smile on someone’s face can make you fulfilled and happy. What’s more, you get to focus on positive things and build positive relationships. Therefore, you can improve your self-confidence by helping someone out.
However, you should draw the line between kindness and being a pushover. Admittedly, some people would want to abuse your kindness, making it imperative to stand your ground. For instance, you may learn to say no if you can’t do something and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for it. But, it’s prudent to help your elderly neighbor with their chores or a stranger struggling to carry their groceries. Perhaps you can volunteer in your community’s environmental sanitation or donate to a charitable cause. Fortunately, you don’t have to break the bank to be kind; sometimes, the smallest gestures touch people’s hearts.
Celebrate your achievements
According to the Dalai Lama, celebrating your achievements builds your confidence and improves your self-esteem. What’s more, it motivates you to accomplish more goals and add to your successes. Therefore, it’s prudent to reward yourself each time you accomplish something. You don’t have to wait for a massive win before you appreciate yourself. If you finish your tasks on time, treat yourself to a nice meal. These little acts will help improve your self-perception.
Compassion fatigue is one of the most unpleasant feelings a human being can experience. There are so many reasons in this modern world for us to feel empathy or compassion for another person (or people), and at times it can be very easy to feel drained by it all. This is then compounded by feelings of guilt – how dare you feel drained, with all of the privilege that you have? – and before long, you’re so stressed that you don’t even know where to start dealing with it.
It’s a common feeling among those in caring professions, and those who care for sick loved ones, but compassion fatigue is not limited to the occupational sphere. For those of us who look at the way the world is, and are struck by the suffering of those fleeing wars, enduring famine, or facing repression from their own governments, it’s more than a little tough. 24-hour news media means you’re rarely more than a few clicks away from seeing something that will distress you. It is vital to retain our compassion and our empathy – they’re in too short a supply in this world – so it’s important to follow the tips below on avoiding compassion fatigue…
Know the signs of burnout, and step back if it gets too much
If you’re someone who fights for causes, the chances are you come from a position of relative privilege. That position is bound to make you feel guilty if you sometimes feel too tired to attend a march, run a fundraising campaign, or lobby your congressperson. However, burnout is a very real problem and it can arise even when you’re a true believer in what you do. Pushing through something when you feel exhausted is noble – but in the long term, it might not be the best thing for you or for those who need your voice. Too many good people have worked themselves into serious illness, so knowing when to stand back is essential.
Don’t feel the need to give everyone a hearing
There are some causes that absolutely deserve our attention, and merit the signal boost we can give them through our own channels. If you are a campaigner who runs a website or blog, it’s good to get a message out there to give it oxygen, and when people contact you with causes you support there is a lot of good you can do. On the flip side, there will be those who seek to exploit your good nature by spamming your blog with comments. Knowing how to identify link spam, block out the cynics, and keep your literal and mental bandwidth for deserving causes is an essential part of self-care.
There’s safety – and relief – in numbers
It’s easy to feel you’re not doing enough, but there is only one of you, and only 24 hours in a day – and you have to sleep sometimes. Being passionate about a cause leads us to want to make our voices heard, but it doesn’t have to be your voice every time. Getting the right people around you can take more work, to begin with, but it means that you can divide up the work of campaigning and still get a lot done. Use tools like social media and crowdsourcing apps to spread the load, and when you need to be the one in the spotlight you’ll find it easier to shoulder the burden.
In their book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, coauthors (and twin sisters) Emily and Amelia Nagoski reveal that completing the stress cycle — finding a way to let our bodies know we’re no longer threatened or in danger and we can stop being stressed — can be the most effective way to avoid burnout and emotional exhaustion. Physical activity or any kind of physical movement is one great way to do this, but there are several other ways.
Here are 6 evidence-based strategies to help you complete your stress cycle:
1. Breathing
Deep, slow breaths down-regulate the stress response, especially when the exhalation is long and slow and goes all the way to the end of the breath so your belly contracts. Breathing is most effective when your stress isn’t that high or when you just need to siphon off the very worst of the stress so you can get through a difficult situation.
A simple, practical exercise is to breathe in to a slow count of 5, hold that breath for 5, then exhale for a slow count of 10, and pause for another count of 5. Do that three times — for one minute and 15 seconds of breathing — and then see how you feel.
Casual but friendly social interaction is the first external sign that the world is a safe place.
2. Positive social interaction
Casual but friendly social interaction is an external sign that the world is a safe place. People with more acquaintances are happier. Just go buy a cup of coffee and say “Nice day” to the barista or compliment another customer’s earrings. Reassure your brain that the world is a safe, sane place, and not all people suck. It helps!
3. Laughter
Laughing together, and even just reminiscing about the times we’ve laughed together, increases relationship satisfaction. We mean belly laughs — deep, impolite, helpless laughter. When we laugh, says neuroscientist Sophie Scott, we use an “ancient evolutionary system that mammals have evolved to make and maintain social bonds and regulate emotions.”
A warm hug in a safe and trusting context can do as much to help your body feel like it has escaped a threat as jogging, and it’s a heck of a lot less sweaty.
4. Affection
Sometimes, a deeper connection with a loving presence is called for. Most often, this comes from a loving and beloved person who likes, respects and trusts you, whom you like, respect and trust. It doesn’t have to be physical affection (though physical affection is great). A warm hug in a safe and trusting context can do as much to help your body feel like it has escaped a threat as jogging a couple of miles, and it’s a heck of a lot less sweaty.
One example of affection is the “six- second kiss” advice from relationship researcher John Gottman. Every day, he suggests, kiss your partner for six seconds. There’s a reason behind the timing: Six seconds is too long to kiss someone you resent or dislike, and it’s far too long to kiss someone with whom you feel unsafe. Kissing for six seconds requires that you stop and deliberately notice you like this person, you trust them and you feel affection for them. By noticing those things, the kiss tells your body that you are safe with your tribe.
Another example: Hug someone you love and trust for 20 full seconds, while both of you are standing over your own centers of balance. Research suggests this kind of hug can change your hormones, lower your blood pressure and heart rate, and improve mood. It doesn’t have to be precisely 20 seconds. What matters is you feel the stress easing, or what therapist Suzanne Iasenza describes as “hugging until relaxed.”
Of course, affection doesn’t stop with other human beings. Just petting a cat or dog for a few minutes can help complete the cycle too.
5. A big ol’ cry
Have you had the experience of just barely making it inside your home — or bedroom — before you slam the door behind you and burst into tears for 10 minutes? Then you wipe your nose, sigh a big sigh and feel relieved from the weight of whatever made you cry? You may not have changed the situation that caused the stress, but you completed the cycle.
Have a favorite tearjerker movie that makes you cry every time? Going through that emotion with the characters allows your body to go through it, too.
You might experience completing the stress cycle as a shift in mood or mental state or physical tension, as you breathe more deeply and your thoughts relax.
6. Creative expression
Engaging in creative activities today leads to more energy, excitement, and enthusiasm tomorrow. Like sports, the arts — including painting, sculpture, music, theater and storytelling in all forms — create a context that tolerates and even encourages big emotions. Arts of all kinds give us the chance to celebrate and move through our big emotions.
P.S.: How do you know you’ve completed the cycle?
It’s like knowing when you’re full after a meal or like knowing when you’ve had an orgasm — your body tells you. You might experience it as a shift in mood or mental state or physical tension, as you breathe more deeply and your thoughts relax.
It’s easier for some people to recognize than others. For some people, it’s as obvious as knowing that they’re breathing. That’s how it is for Emily. Long before she knew about the science, she knew that when she felt stressed and tense and terrible, she could go for a run or for a bike ride and at the end of it she would feel better. She has always been able to feel it intuitively, that shift inside her body.
Don’t worry if you’re not sure you can recognize when you’ve completed the cycle. Especially if you’ve spent a lot of years — like, your whole life, maybe — holding on to your worry or anger, you’ve probably got a whole lot of accumulated stress response cycles spinning their engines, so it’s going to take a while before you get through the backlog.
All you need to do is recognize that you feel incrementally better than you felt before you started. You can notice that something in your body has changed, shifted in the direction of peace.
“If I was at an eight on the stress scale when I started, I’m at a four now,” you can say. And that’s pretty great.
To learn more about the stress cycle and burnout, watch Emily and Amelia Nagoski’s TED conversation:
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Emily Nagoski PhD is the author of “Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life.” She has a PhD in health behavior with a minor in human sexuality from Indiana University, and a MS in counseling, also from IU, including a clinical internship at the Kinsey Institute sexual health clinic. A sex educator for 20 years, she is the inaugural director of wellness education at Smith College.
Amelia Nagoski DMA Amelia Nagoski holds a DMA in conducting from the University of Connecticut. An assistant professor and coordinator of music at Western New England University, she regularly presents educational sessions for professional musicians discussing the application of communications science and psychological research, including “Beyond Burnout Prevention: Embodied Wellness for Conductors.”
What Is a Weighted Blanket? Occupational therapists have been prescribing weighted blankets to help manage sensory-related symptoms for decades – especially for children and adults on the Autism spectrum. A weighted blanket is a specially made therapeutic blanket with some additional weight, generally weighing between 5 to 30 pounds. They come in different weights to […]
To be human is to get defensive. When we’ve been questioned or criticized at work, it’s fair to say that almost all of us — save for, perhaps, the Dalai Lama and other equanimous souls — have gotten irritated, retreated into silence, or said something cutting in response. And because it is so normal to get defensive, we tend to write it off as no big deal. Jim Tamm, however, begs to differ.
Former judge Tamm spent 25 years working through other interpersonal conflicts, including mediating more than 1,000 employment disputes, and he currently trains consultants to teach collaboration skills. So what does defensiveness have to do with collaboration? Tamm has come to believe that defensiveness is the major obstacle that prevents people from working well together. “There is nothing that will help you become more effective at building collaboration than better managing your own defensiveness,” he says in an interview.
While it’s close to impossible to completely eliminate getting defensive during stressful moments, you can become aware of your own reactions and have an action plan in place when you notice them. “Any time you’re getting defensive, you’re getting less effective. When you get defensive, your thinking becomes rigid and you simply become stupid,” says Tamm, also the author of the book Radical Collaboration.
Why is defensiveness such an obstacle to collaboration? When we get defensive, “we put way more into self-preservation than we do into problem-solving,” Tamm says. “We’re trying to prove that we’re right rather than search for creative solutions.” When this happens in a workplace, it can be a recipe for chaos and failure. Such impulses are especially harmful for bosses, managers and those in power. That behavior hurts more than just the defensive person. When we get defensive, adds Tamm, “we invite everyone else in the room to get defensive, too.”
Of course, it can be difficult to recognize defensiveness in ourselves, and that’s because there are underlying emotions at play. When a person becomes defensive, they might appear to be putting on protective armor and gearing up for battle, but they’re usually masking their fear. “Defensiveness does not protect us from other people,” says Tamm. “It defends us from fears we don’t want to feel.” Those fears can include thoughts about your own significance, your competence and your likeability. Your defenses might come up due to imposter syndrome — like when you’re scared not looking smart enough or that you’re a subpar employee or a bad boss.
For example, let’s say you’re worried about a performance review. When your manager gives you some constructive criticism, you may offer excuses or become angry or brusque. But Tamm says these behaviors are masking your real problem, which could be your fear of not getting the raise or promotion that you feel you deserve or even your fear of being fired. “Our defensiveness helps us hide our fears from ourselves,” he says, and it erroneously serves to convince you that the fears you have aren’t true.
OK, now that we understand the dangers of defensiveness, here’s what we can do about it. You can start by learning to spot the warning signs of defensiveness in yourself. When you feel yourself experiencing them, pay attention and take action. According to Tamm, here are the 10 most common warning signs that you may be getting defensive: A spurt of energy in your body; sudden confusion; flooding your audience with information to prove a point; withdrawing into silence; magnifying or minimizing everything; developing “all or nothing” thinking; feeling like you’re a victim or you’re misunderstood; blaming or shaming others; obsessive thinking; and wanting the last word.
Tamm recommends looking back on any charged conversations, disagreements or conflicts — minor and major — from your life, and finding the patterns of behavior you engage in when you get defensive. Perhaps a minor tiff at work made you default to “all or nothing” thinking, and suddenly you felt ready to quit. Or, a single question from your partner about where the soup pot is located gets magnified into “You never know where anything is because you never liked this apartment.” If you have difficulty determining your own signs of defensiveness, ask for feedback from your family, friends or trusted colleagues. “Usually, other people spot our defensiveness before we do,” says Tamm.
Why is internal observation so important? “Most of us are not sufficiently in tune with our fear to do anything about it until it’s too late,” says Tamm. “If we know what our signs of defensiveness are, they can become our own personalized early warning system. For example, I noticed that when I get defensive, my breathing becomes faster, I tend to talk much louder, and I usually feel very misunderstood.”
Creating your own warning system for defensiveness involves a few simple steps: Noticing, taking action, and letting go. Whenever you recognize one of your own warning signs — for example, obsessive thinking or confusion — acknowledge to yourself that you’re getting defensive by saying something like “It feels like I’m becoming defensive.” This is extremely important. Tamm points, “If you don’t notice that you’’re getting defensive, you’re not going to take any other action.”
Next, slow down your physiology in some way. That could mean taking a few deep breaths, being aware of your feet on the ground, or — if you can — going for a walk. Focusing your attention outward is like hitting a reset button on your defensiveness. At the same time, try to observe what you’re saying to yourself. If you find that you’re criticizing yourself for your defensiveness or for your lack of keeping cool, ask yourself something like “Is this helping me right now? What behavior would be more helpful?”
Then, create an action step to counteract any damage that your defensiveness may cause. If you typically go quiet and sulk, for instance, you may decide instead to ask a question or share what you’re feeling. One way to create a psychologically safe environment for yourself — and others — is when you demonstrate your vulnerability. This can be accomplished by sharing something like “I feel like I’m getting defensive here, so let me take a step back.” Or, if your defensiveness sign is bombarding your teammates with information to prove your point, you could consciously pause for 15 seconds and let others finish speaking first.
In his TEDx talk, Tamm shares a memorable example of an action step. He says, “One woman’s warning sign was always wanting the last word. So she got this image of herself standing in the conference room doorway, throwing in the last word, and slamming the door. [Picturing it] was a way of not only reminding her what she was doing but also lightening up her mood a little bit.”
Once you’ve taken your action step, you’ll find that you have an easier time letting go of your defensiveness and examining the situation — and your coworkers — with fresher, calmer eyes. Your physical and emotional selves will most likely be in a different place than when you first started getting defensive. Practice your action step until it becomes automatic, suggests Tamm.
Be patient: Noticing and managing your defensiveness takes practice. Find times — maybe with your family or friends — when you can rehearse your action steps so you’ll be ready when you most need them. Remember, says Tamm: “If you can stay non-defensive, you can always be more effective.”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kara Cutruzzula is a journalist and playwright and writes Brass Ring Daily, a daily motivational newsletter about work, life and creativity.
Kio Stark loves to talk to strangers — but she knows every exchange started is one that must be ended. Here, she shares how to gracefully step away.
I’ve spent much of the last decade studying (and having) conversations and teaching people how to understand their own exchanges. And I’ve found that exits can be the most awkward of all the moments in an interaction with another person, particularly a stranger. How do you end a conversation? Who has the right to end it?
The goal is to end an interaction at will, but without offending the person you’re stepping away from. Whether we’re aware of it or not, we use physical and conversational cues. When our cues are not noticed or heeded, it gets weedy pretty fast.
Once it begins, an interaction in an open space has a diameter. In sociologist Erving Goffman’s study, the range in the United States was no closer than one and a half feet and no farther than three feet or so. Too close and it’s hard to speak directly to each other, hard to know where to look or gesture, and might feel so uncomfortable that it makes people back away. Too far and you’re not committed physically to being in the interaction. In a larger group, people may have to lean in to hear or may be at the edges of the interaction, and their attention can more easily wander or switch focus.
Losing eye contact is a signal that you want to end a conversation — but it’s a more obvious and intentional one.
If you want to make an exit, you can use your body as a signal. Beginning in small increments, you can step or lean outside that interaction zone. Losing eye contact is a signal — but a more obvious and intentional one. Unconsciously, you might get a little jittery, and that’s a signal too. Once you do signal, you hope your partner is getting the message and will either end the interaction or be prepared when you do. Sending and receiving the message may even happen quickly enough that there’s an illusion of mutuality.
Words work too. Often, all you need is a reason or a friendly parting line. “I have to run”; “I need to get another drink”; “do you know where the bathroom is?”; “I have to check on my friend”; “hey, it was nice talking to you”; or glancing at your phone and saying “my friend (or partner, or babysitter) is texting me,” things like that. These are reasonable needs that require you to end an interaction. Any of these things may be true, but they work as excuses too. So it’s nice to be genuine and warm about it, if you can.
Power matters — the person with more gravitas has the right to end the interaction and may choose to do so politely or not.
To make a clean exit, you also have to contend with which person has the strongest claim to “leave-taking rights” in the conversation. In general, the person who started the interaction has priority to end it. It’s a matter, to some degree, of politeness. The person who started the conversation had a reason. It may have been mere curiosity or friendliness, which only give limited priority in ending the interaction, but if the person who started the conversation had a specific need or agenda, it is in theory theirs to close. There is a tacit understanding that you have to make sure the person who started the conversation got what they needed.
However, this can be abused — and you end up forced to be rude in order to exit. Power matters, too. When there is a real or perceived differential in power or status, the person with more gravitas has the right to end the interaction and may choose to do so politely or not.
So much of this, almost all of it, happens beneath the level of logic and reason. It’s all gut, instinct, sensory information, and fantastically subtle cues. Of course, we can extract ourselves from a conversation without satisfying the person who started it. It’s rude, but it can be tempered with a wave and a smile as one walks away.
All these implicit rules, bodily expressions and the words that do and don’t come out of our mouths — all of these are things we’re only dimly aware of. Learning to see them carries the thrill of secret knowledge. It’s also practical knowledge. It helps you understand when you feel graceful and when you feel awkward as you share spaces and moments with people. It helps you pull yourself into a transformed social landscape, one that is open and rich with surprising, affirming connections. And using this precious and practical knowledge can inch us all toward a more intriguing, respectful, tolerant world.
Kio Stark writes, teaches and speaks about stranger interactions, independent learning and how people relate to technology. She is the author of the TED Book, “When Strangers Meet.”
A good friend is there to offer a shoulder to cry on when it’s needed. Indeed, simply being there for a friend when they come to you with a problem can, in and of itself, be helpful to them. However, there are correct and incorrect ways to respond to problems. It doesn’t mean that the solution is always the same, but that there are definite ways you can worsen the situation before you improve it. Before you jump to help that friend, consider looking at the way that you respond to problems.
One of the most frustrating things you can do to someone who is expressing their emotions about any given experience is rush past those emotions to try and promote a solution as quickly as possible If someone is struggling with their mental health, the very first thing you should do is listen to them, take in their emotional response, and validate it. You might want to get to the solutions that can help them in no time, flat, but it’s not helping them to neglect their feelings.
“Oh, that’s happened to me, too!”
Empathizing with your friend can be a good thing. It can help you develop some sense of shared perspective that can make it a little easier for them to open up about their problems. However, if you’re going to say something like this, you need to know the difference between empathy and compassion. Empathy is a quick reaction to a situation or emotional state that we see and can understand. Compassion is the deliberate attempt to understand their feelings and how they’re reacting to that situation or state. Don’t go off into stories about your own similar experiences or downplay their emotional response by stating that it affected you in a different and less harmful way. Even if you don’t mean to, you’re making it harder for them to be honest about their own feelings.
Know that advice isn’t always the solution
If you are a great problem solver and you do know a very concrete suggestion that will help them, you can share it. Make sure they’ve had the time to express their feelings and what they want to say, first. However, if you don’t have any great ideas for advice, then don’t feel like that you have to share them. Unsolicited advice can be a risky thing to give and that’s especially so if you don’t know what kind of advice to give.
Making judging comments
Get an idea of “brutal honesty” out of your head. A lot of people go in with that mindset, but often what they get is brutality, not honesty. Even if you believe that your friend’s own mistakes led them to the predicament that they are in, who does it help to say as much? If you judge them when they are at their most vulnerable, that is what they will remember and, as a result, they’re less likely to come to you in the future. Check to make sure you’re not judgemental when trying to be helpful.
Actively check up on them
If your friend hasn’t opened up to you in such a way before then they can feel a little awkward and vulnerable about the way they have expressed themselves. You can reassure them that you are there to support them and that you are open to that kind of relationship by checking up on them and asking them how they are doing with the problem the next day. It shows that you’re genuinely interested in their wellbeing and can alleviate any feelings of guilt they might have about “burdening” you with their problems.
Just ask what you can do for them
If you do think that you can play an active role in helping them with their problems, then that’s great. Rather than rushing to do it yourself, however, you should ask how you can support them. They might just want someone to listen to them, they might want someone to offer advice, or they might be open to more practical and hands-on assistance. The words “what can I do to help?” can be a very important step in making sure you’re not stepping on any toes.
Again, that you’re willing to listen to and help a friend is a great thing, by itself. But if you want to make sure that you are, indeed, being on the helpful side, you need to consider the above mistakes that you might be making.
Teresa Wilson from Headlands asked if would share a post from their blog and add Headlands to my resources on the Organizations Who Can Help page. If you would like more information, there are links below.
Is Your Center Equipped to Deliver patient-centered, culturally sensitive treatment services to the LGBTQ+ Community?
The Importance of Providing the LGBTQ+ Community with Affirming Care
This article shows why providing an LGBTQ-affirming treatment facility creates a more inclusive treatment environment and expands potential recruitment opportunities. Treatment programs that offer treatment to the LGBTQ+ community are vital to the growth of your treatment program.
The Importance of Reaching Out to the LGBTQ+ Community
It’s estimated that over 16 million Americans identify as LGBTQ+. Each generation of Americans sees a higher percentage of members identifying as LGBTQ+:12%Baby Boomers4%Generation X9%Millenials16%Generation Z
The significant increase from Generation X to Generation Z shows a trend that your treatment program needs to account for. Generation Z is approaching peak age for addiction issues, with its oldest members now in their mid-20s. In California, the numbers are more compelling. Approximately 28% of California’s LGBTQ+ population is Generation Z and 25% are Millenials.2
To remain competitive, your treatment program must create an inclusive environment for the LGBTQ+ community.
LGBTQ+ Members Experience Substance Use Disorders at a Higher Rate
Substance use disorder (SUD) can devastate lives if not treated, and LGBTQ+ people are 2.5 times more likely to develop SUD than non-LGBTQ+ members.3 However, healthcare and appropriate treatment for LGBTQ+ individuals are sparse. SUD treatment centers must bring more comprehensive LGBTQ+ affirming care to their models.Without LGBTQ+ affirming care, treatment centers cannot properly aid a significant portion of patients.https://www.youtube.com/embed/NFms3xO98Nk?
How Do You Start Providing an LGBTQ-Affirming Treatment Facility?
Pair with a partner experienced in treating the LGBTQ+ community and who knows the ins and outs of providing an affirming treatment program. Partnering with experts allows you to provide urgent services quicker and with fewer missteps, thereby improving your reputation and profits.
The Bottom Line
Between 9% to 16% of your treatment demographic identifies as LGBTQ+ and experiences substance use disorders at a higher rate than the general population. Can you afford not to provide an LGBTQ-affirming treatment environment?
Defining LGBTQ+ and Substance Use Disorders
Let’s define the key terms that we discuss in this article. Namely, LGBTQ+ and substance use disorders.
What Does LGBTQ+ Mean?
The LGBTQ+ community is a minority group consisting of non-heterosexual and non-cisgender individuals. Cisgender means that one identifies with the gender assigned at birth. Because the LGBTQ+ community is diverse and complex, there are many definitions for each sexual and gender identity.
Gay is a term for those attracted to the same gender as themselves. Lesbians are women attracted to other women. Bisexuals are attracted to multiple genders. The Q in LGBTQ+ sometimes refers to questioning but more commonly means queer. Queer is a reclaimed umbrella term for members of the LGBTQ+ community.4 Other sexual identities embody the “+” in LGBTQ+. Asexual members do not experience sexual attractions. Pansexual individuals are attracted to someone regardless of gender. Some use bisexual and pansexual interchangeably, while others prefer one over the other. 4
The LGBTQ+ community also embodies varying gender identities. Transgender is a term for those whose gender does not align with the gender assigned to them at birth. 4 Being non-binary means something different for everyone. Non-binary individuals are those who experience gender outside of the male/female binary. Some nonbinary members use they/them pronouns over he or she.These terms are constantly discussed, expanded upon, and debated amongst members of the community. Many members of the LGBTQ community will likely experience and define their identities differently than others. 5
Examples of Famous People in the LGBTQ+ Community
Lesbian – Ellen DeGeneres, Kate McKinnon
Gay Men – Pete Buttigieg, Neil Patrick Harris
Bisexual – Michelle Rodriguez, Drew Barrymore
Transgender – Laverne Cox, Caitlyn Jenner
Queer – Ezra Miller, Courtney Act
(+) Non-Binary – Elliot Page, Rose McGowan
(+) Gender Fluid – Ruby Rose, Miley Cyrus
Criteria for SUD
SUD harms one’s life and well-being. Substance use disorders can be mild, moderate, or severe. The symptoms fall into four overarching categories: impaired control, risky use, social impairment, and pharmacological criteria such as withdrawal and tolerance. 6 The DSM lists 11 different criteria for substance use disorder. Having 2-3 symptoms is a mild SUD, 4-5 symptoms signify a moderate SUD, and 6 or more indicates a severe SUD. Symptoms include:
The substance is taken for an extended period or in larger amounts than intended.
Unsuccessful efforts to cut back on the substance.
Excessive time dedicated to the substance, whether obtaining or using it.
Cravings for the substance.
Failure to meet major social and work obligations due to substance use.
Substance use occurs despite occupational problems related to it.
Quitting social, recreational, or occupational activities because of substance use.
Using the substance in dangerous situations.
Continued use of the substance despite the knowledge that it causes psychological or physical problems.
Tolerance of the substance increases.
Withdrawal symptoms when substance use stops.
For individuals with a substance use disorder, the misuse of drugs or alcohol is not voluntary. Brain imaging scans for those with SUD show physical changes in the areas responsible for behavior, decision-making, learning, memory, and judgment. In the LGBTQ+ community, substance use disorders consistently make life more difficult.6https://www.youtube.com/embed/Tf53Cg8QRVA?
Beyond SUD – The LGBTQ+ Community and Mental Health
Members of the LGBTQ+ community are more prone to mental health problems.
According to the APA, LGBTQ+ individuals are more than twice as likely to develop a mental disorder in their lifetime than straight and cisgender individuals. LGBTQ+ individuals also might experience higher levels of psychosis, bipolar disorder, and other mood disorders.
The rate of such disorders is because of the oppression and hardships LGBTQ+ members experience due to their sexual or gender identification. These difficulties lead to a higher risk of mental illnesses, and these mental illnesses can co-occur with substance use disorders. Both disorders must be considered during treatment. 7
Anxiety, Depression, and Suicidal Thoughts
LBGBTQ+ individuals are more likely to experience anxiety and depression than heterosexual and cisgender individuals. LGBTQ+ members are also more likely to experience severe depressive episodes, and suicidal thoughts are prevalent amongst members of this community.
While 2.2% of cisgender and heterosexual individuals have considered suicide, 4.4% of gay men and lesbians have considered suicide alongside 7.4 % of bisexual individuals. Approximately 30.8% of transgender individuals have also considered ending their own lives. When it comes to suicide attempts, lesbian, bisexual, and gay youth are over 4 times more likely to attempt suicide than cisgender, heterosexual youth. 8
PTSD
LGBTQ+ individuals are at an increased risk for PTSD. This is likely because many members face an increased risk of violence and trauma due to their identification. When treating LGBTQ+ patients, it’s important to understand the potential likelihood of trauma. 9
Eating Disorders
People in the LGBTQ+ community are at a higher risk for eating disorders than their heterosexual and cisgender counterparts. Increased discrimination and the stress associated with being LGBTQ+ can lead to binge eating in lesbian and bisexual women. Furthermore, body dissatisfaction is common amongst gay men and can increase the risk of an eating disorder.10
The Minority Stress Model and Challenges for the LGBTQ+ Community
A significant factor behind LGBTQ+ mental illness statistics is the minority stress model. The minority stress model indicates that LGBTQ+ individuals face unique challenges that cause additional stress and mental health problems.10 To complicate matters, many LGBTQ+ people have reported stigma when trying to access health services, leading some individuals to forego healthcare and treatment completely.
LGBTQ+ individuals face homophobia and/or transphobia on an internal, social, and sociopolitical scale. They are more likely to be homeless and unemployed. Transgender people face higher rates of poverty than cisgender individuals, and this factor is worsened by a lack of legal and federal protection.LGBTQ+ people are also more likely to face violence and harassment.
While all members of the LGBTQ community are at an increased risk for violence, transgender individuals are more likely to be victims of hate crimes and assaults.
LGBTQ+ people are also less likely to have social support in comparison to heterosexual individuals. This is particularly true for LGBTQ+ individuals who live in a region with a small LGBTQ+ population. Bisexual members might feel particularly isolated, facing discrimination from society as well as prejudice from within the community. All these factors and more contribute to the significant stress LGBTQ+ people face, which may lead to substance use. 11
How Common is Substance Use in the LGBTQ+ Community?
Like other mental illnesses, SUD is more common in the LGBTQ+ community than in straight and cisgender people. For instance, women who identify as lesbian/bisexual are more than twice as likely to engage in heavy alcohol use as heterosexual women.Trans individuals are more likely to struggle with substance use due to the increased amount of violence and discrimination they face.
Trans people are also more likely to be assaulted and could develop a substance use disorder stemming from the assault. 12
Further studies must be done to determine the true extent of LGBTQ+ substance use and the contributing factors. It’s clear, however, that substance use disorders are more common in the LGBTQ community largely due to minority-related stress. Factors such as discriminatory government policies, violence, self-hate, social isolation, and family disapproval often contribute to the development of SUD. Transgender and gender-nonconforming individuals have unique stressors, as do LGBTQ+ people of color. Many studies have found that substance use in the LGBTQ+ community is due to stress-related coping.
Sociocultural differences and the targeting of LGBTQ+ people by tobacco and alcohol companies also exacerbate the problem. The LGBTQ+ community tends to have more permissive substance use norms. 13
What Substances are Most Abused or Misused in the LGBTQ+ Community?
Alcohol
Alcohol use is very prevalent within the LGBTQ+ community. Historically, LGBTQ+ people had to seek refuge from prejudice in standard bars, meaning gay bars became the norm for LGBTQ+ social settings. Many people within the community agree that the number of gay bars compared to non-alcohol-oriented settings is likely a contributing factor to alcohol abuse. While most LGBTQ+ people appreciate the historical significance of gay bars, many members have expressed social pressure to fit in and drink at them. 14 Alcohol misuse, especially in the form of heavy drinking, leads to a variety of dangers and problems. These problems include blackouts, suicide, and sexual assaults. For trans people, suicidal ideation became more common while drinking. 15
Stimulants
LGBTQ+ people are more likely to use stimulants than those not in the community. Stimulants include, but are not limited to, cocaine and methamphetamine. Stimulant use is typically higher for LGBTQ+ individuals than cis and straight individuals, though lesbians tend to use stimulants almost equally to their heterosexual counterparts. For gay and bisexual men, stimulant use is much higher than that of their heterosexual peers. Approximately 9.2% of gay men use stimulants in comparison to 3.2% of heterosexuals. 16
Opioids
While there’s not much information available on transgender individuals for opioid use, studies show that lesbian, gay, and bisexual individuals are at a higher risk for opioid abuse. Bisexual women are particularly at risk. Many members of the LGBTQ+ community have reported more access to opioids than their heterosexual peers. 17
Addiction Treatment Options
Thankfully, there are various treatment options available for those with substance use disorders. LGBTQ+ people who struggle with substance use disorder can be put in detox therapy, inpatient treatment, outpatient treatment, or medication-assisted treatment. 18
Adding LGBTQ-Affirming Treatment to Your Facility
LGBTQ+ individuals need treatment centers that properly serve them. Create a welcoming environment in your treatment center by including LGBTQ+ media and pamphlets in the waiting room, enforcing non-discrimination policies, and acknowledging LGBTQ+ observances and holidays.
LGBTQ+ Staff
Including LGBTQ+ staff and providers can also make patients feel more comfortable. It is also important to provide ongoing training in culturally affirming treatment for the staff. Facilities should show LGBTQ+ affirmation as well. Gender-neutral restrooms, for instance, are essential for many in the LGBTQ+ community. Adopt LGBTQ+ friendly procedures and ensure all staff can carry out LGBTQ+ affirming interactions with patients.
Embracing Cultural Humility
During treatment, providers should embrace “cultural humility”. This is different from “cultural competency”. Cultural humility requires constant ongoing learning about the patient’s identities and experiences within them. Cultural humility recognizes that there will always be more to learn and that everyone within the culture is different.
Staying Up to Date
Stay up to date on current potential stressors for the LGBTQ+ community. Discriminatory laws and current events often play a vital role in an LGBTQ+ person’s mental health. It’s essential to stay up to date to understand the laws and potential discrimination LGBTQ+ patients will face. One’s language also matters. Avoid using outdated terms such as “homosexual” and remember that not all LGBTQ+ people have reclaimed the word “queer.” Avoid assumptions about a patients’ gender identity or sexuality. Ask a patient for their preferred pronoun and, if the wrong pronoun is used, apologize but don’t over-apologize. When it comes to training, there’s always more to learn. Sensitivity training programs for staff are a great place to start.
Trauma-Informed Care for LBGTQ+ Addiction treatment
Because LGBTQ+ people are marginalized and more likely to have PTSD, it is essential to recognize the impact of potential traumas on their substance abuse disorder recovery. A crucial part of trauma-informed care is creating an environment where the patient feels safe and secure. For LGBTQ+ people, that involves an affirming approach.
When you create a safe space for LGBTQ+ people, they’ll feel able to disclose and work through their traumas. Trauma may be the root of addiction and giving patients a safe space to work through it will make treatment more effective.19
Bostock and Title VII of the Civil Rights Act
In 2020, the Supreme Court ruled that gender identity and sexual orientation were protected from discrimination by the Civil Rights Act of 1964.
On January 20, 2021, President Biden signed an Executive Order applying these protections to all federal laws, regulations, and agencies. Because of the Supreme Court decision and the Executive Order, anyone doing business with the federal government is prohibited from discriminating based on gender identity or sexual orientation.
President Biden ordered all federal agencies to consult with the Attorney General as soon as possible to review all existing orders, regulations, guidance documents, policies, programs, or other agency actions.20 Meaningful change is arising quicker than expected.
Can your treatment facility avoid actions that might be construed as discriminatory to the LGBTQ+ community? You need to consider your interactions with patients and staff. The last thing a treatment facility can afford is an LGBTQ+ discrimination lawsuit that drives away potential patients.
Recapping Why Reaching the LGBTQ+ Community is Vital
Including LGBTQ+ affirming programs will prompt more members of the LGBTQ+ community to your treatment center.
The LGBTQ+ community is an often misunderstood minority group that needs better healthcare and services. Incorporating LGBTQ+ affirmation into your treatment center could do a world of good for your patients and your business. When it comes to LGBTQ+ patients, an affirming program can make all the difference.
Each patient’s path to recovery relies on access to effective addiction treatment services and compassionate support. Are you an addiction treatment program looking to improve the lives of your patients? If you want to improve your program’s success by offering more effective services, collaborating with reliable experts, and overcoming obstacles, call us today to learn how we can help you.
I came home from the hospital after just one night, in 2017 they kept me in for three nights when I had my right knee replaced. One day seems too fast but by yesterday I started to see some of the logic. Aside from insurance saving money, the key to a good rehab is moving your knee a lot!
Yesterday the Physical Therapist came and gave me a great report. The ultimate goal of PT is to get your knee to bend backward 100-110%, I did 90% in my first session. He said all the walking up and down the stairs has made all the difference. I learned so much with the last surgery and knew pushing yourself to start walking and getting up the stairs was critical.
Thank you for all the kind words and prayers sent this past week. I received every one of them and my good report from the Physical Therapist shows how much support I have from up above and all around me.
Mental health and your overall psychological stability are two things that absolutely MUST be looked after every single day of the week. Sure, if you’ve never really dealt with mental blows before, then you could probably handle plenty of things that come your way. The majority of people have had to deal with plenty of worries and troubles in the past, however, so mental health will also be a priority.
One of the great things about the human brain is that it can be helped out with the right kind of work and the right kind of training. Mental illnesses and traumatic experiences can act as huge barricades for people wanting a calmer and more peaceful life upstairs, but they can be overcome. Here are just a few ways every single person on the planet can keep themselves in the right place mentally:
Create A Plan For The Day And Stick To It
A lot of worry and anxiety comes from the fact that we don’t know where we’re heading. We begin to panic because we have lots of different thoughts, ideas, and errands going off in our heads with no plan of when to do them. This becomes incessant and constant if not dealt with. A plan can remedy it very nicely. If you’re not one for bullet journaling, perhaps you could take it up. It’s really quite satisfying to complete.
Talk About Problems When They Flare Up
Life is very difficult at the worst of times. It can be quite challenging at the best of times, too. If you’re finding things to be a little too much, then you should always go to someone and talk to them about it all. People close to you will want to support a friend and see you become the best version of yourself. Keeping things bottled up will not help anyone out at all. You feel a release of pressure whenever you talk about things going on in your life.
Do Things That Feel Cathartic
You need to have experiences in your life that take you away from issues going on in your life. If you can remove yourself from problems, then you’re only going to be helping yourself out. So, whether that means making stuffed chicken in the kitchen, baking different kinds of cakes, painting, writing, or anything remotely cathartic, it’s worth considering. Allow yourself this kind of tension reliever.
Exercise
Whenever you’re having quite a rough day, a good workout can make negativity disappear for a while. It won’t remove all problems, but it’ll put you in a good place to attack the problems you have. There are so many mental health benefits to exercising and putting your body through this kind of challenge. Getting into this routine would help you out immensely.
Practice Positive And Grateful Thinking
It’s so easy to focus on bad things – especially when you’ve not been in a great place for a while. Positive thinking will change your life for the better, though. A lot of people feel it’s delusional, but it doesn’t matter. When you think positive thoughts, you attract positive outcomes and positive people.
A lot of everyday tasks benefit from a combination of relaxation and focus. Driving is possibly the most obvious example of this. At a minimum, getting this balance right can help to avoid negative consequences. For example, you won’t have to file a car accident claim. At best, it can really boost your performance. With that in mind, here are three tips to help.
What this means in practice will depend on the situation. Ideally, you’ll resolve any troubling issues before you begin your task. In the real world, sadly, that’s not always going to be possible. What you can do, however, is offload them and commit to dealing with them later.
What this means in practice will depend on you. For example, you might get the most release from just speaking your thoughts into a voice recorder (most cellphones have one). Alternatively, you may prefer offloading your thoughts onto paper. This doesn’t have to mean writing. It can also mean drawing or doodling.
This may be enough to clear the mental/emotional block from your system. If it doesn’t, however, remember to commit to addressing it later.
Make sure you’ve taken care of your body
If you want to achieve and maintain relaxed focus, then your body needs to support that. For example, you want to be comfortably full and properly hydrated. Be aware that even milder chemicals may disrupt either your relaxation or concentration. Alcohol and caffeine are obvious culprits here.
Be aware that medication (or withdrawal from medication) can also cause issues. If it does, try speaking to your doctor. They may be able to switch your medication or give advice on how to minimize the effects of withdrawal from it.
Another important point to note is that temperature can play a huge role in your ability to achieve and maintain relaxed focus. Ideally, you should control the ambient temperature to keep it pleasant. You may, however, find it useful to have a way to add extra heating/cooling where and when you need it.
Get the right stimulation
The right stimulation keeps you relaxed but helps you to maintain alertness. Most tasks require you to use your eyes and hands. That leaves your ears, nose, and mouth potentially free. Audio stimulation can be massively helpful. You do, however, need to be slightly careful with it.
Firstly, spoken-word audio, including songs, can overload your brain. When you need to focus, it’s often better to stick to music without lyrics or even just ambient sounds. Secondly, you need to think about your hearing. If you listen to the audio a lot, invest in a quality pair of headphones. Ideally, use ones that go over the ear.
Stimulating your sense of smell can have a very powerful effect on your mind. One useful point to note, however, is that the effect of a scent becomes less powerful over time. This isn’t just the scent fading, it’s the brain tuning it out. You can, however, use different scents to keep your brain engaged.
Last but not least, remember the power of taste. Some foods can also help to get your brain moving. Citrus fruits and mints are often particularly good for this.
Thank you so much for your heartfelt messages and prayers, I took each one to heart. I’m confident in my surgery so I wanted to send a tune that might set the mood for my Bucket List which I will think about as I’m going under. That is after my husband and my prayers.
Every one of us has mental health in the same way that every one of us has physical health. Yet despite the prevalence of mental health struggles, there is still so much stigma around them. Worldwide the leading cause of disability is depression, according to the World Health Organization, and in the US alone, nearly 1 in 5 of adults lives with a mental illness.
As a mental health therapist-in-training and the founder of Brown Girl Therapy, the largest mental health community for children of immigrants living in the West, I regularly get asked this question: “How can I support a loved one who is struggling with their mental health?” With the multiple crises we’re currently living through, it can feel like more and more people we know are currently hurting.
Maybe you’ve noticed that a friend’s behavior or demeanor has changed and you’re concerned, or a family member is opening up to you for the first time about their anxiety. I know it’s challenging to know what to say or do. Here are eight things that you can do and eight things you shouldnot do when you’re supporting someone who is struggling with their mental health.
First, the dos:
DO listen and validate
Be curious about what your friend is struggling with and how it’s impacting them. Instead of asking yes-or-no questions, ask open-ended questions to allow them to share their experience with you — questions like “What’s going on?” or “How long have you been experiencing this?” or “How are you coping?”
When they respond, use validating statements that will help them feel heard and accepted just as they are. Many people who struggle with their mental health may often blame or judge themselves about what they’re going through; some may feel that their struggles aren’t valid because they’re all “in their head.”
Even if you can’t completely understand or relate to their feelings or experiences, you want to communicate to your loved one that they’re perfectly OK — — this can be as simple as saying “That sounds really difficult”.
Support looks different for everyone, and what you may need when you’re struggling may not be what someone else needs.
DO ask what they need from you
Instead of making assumptions about what would be helpful to your loved one, ask them directly: “How can I support you?” or “What would be helpful to you right now?” Remember: Support looks different for everyone, and what you may need when you’re struggling may not be what someone else needs when they’re having a hard time.
DO offer to help with everyday tasks
A lot of people who struggle with their mental health may find it incredibly difficult to make basic decisions or perform even seemingly small chores. Instead of using the generic phrase “I’m here if you need me,” try to be specific about what you’re offering so your friend won’t have to bear the burden of reaching out or figuring out what they need in the first place.
If you visit them, take a look around and see what they could use assistance with — like doing the dishes, weeding, vacuuming or folding laundry. If you talk to them, offer to take them to a doctor’s appointment or do a grocery or drugstore run for them; you might also consider sending them a gift card for their meals.
DO celebrate their wins, including the small ones
When a person is struggling with their mental health, every day can be full of challenges. So cheer on their accomplishments and victories. This can help affirm their feelings of agency and efficacy. This could look like thanking them for being so honest and vulnerable with you or congratulating them for going to work or for taking their dog out for regular walks.
Many people who struggle with their mental health already feel a baseline level of guilt for being a drag on other people’s time, energy and mental space.
DO read up on what they’re struggling with
There’s another important burden you can remove from their plate: Having to teach you about mental illness. Instead, take the time to educate yourself on what they’re going through — for example, learning more about depression, panic attacks or anxiety — so you can understand their lived experience and be aware of severe or risky behaviors or symptoms to look out for.
Today, there are so many places online to find informative, helpful content, from peer-reviewed journals and articles by mental health professionals to posts in digital communities and personal essays by people who share in your loved one’s mental-health challenges.
DO check in with them regularly
Many people who struggle with their mental health already feel a baseline level of guilt for being a drag on other people’s time, energy and mental space. Consistently check in (a quick text is fine) with them, keep them company when you can, and remind your friend that you love them and you’re on their side.
DO recognize that not all mental health struggles look the same
Not all mental health challenges or mental illnesses look the same. Some people might struggle as the result of a specific event or circumstance, while other people may be living with a chronic mental illness. If the latter is true for your loved one, don’t expect them to “get over” it as they would with a flu or broken bone.
Meet them where they are, reminding them you understand it’s something they are living with. This can take different forms depending on what they need — this could mean understanding when they cancel plans on you because they’re having a particularly tough day or adapting your plans with them to reflect what they’re able to do.
It’s important we remove the stigma from taking care of our mental health and talk about it just like we’d talk about going to a physician for a physical illness.
DO normalize talking about mental health
Don’t wait for them to bring up their struggles, or shy away from being direct with them. It’s important we remove the stigma from taking care of our mental health and talk about it in the same way we’d talk about going to a physician or taking medication for a physical illness. You might even consider opening up and being vulnerable when talking about your own mental health so instead of feeling judged, your loved one feels safe being honest with you.
Now, the don’ts:
DON’T compare their experience to others
I really want to drive one point home: Everyone experiences their mental health struggles and mental health illnesses differently. In the guise of trying to make a loved one feel better, you may be tempted to tell them “everyone deals with anxiety [or depression etc] sometimes” or bring up an acquaintance who had the same illness but benefited from a specific strategy, treatment or therapy.
Resist this temptation. Even though saying those things can be helpful in terms of normalizing their experience and making them feel less alone, they can also have the unintended effect of pressuring them to get over it or minimize what they’re feeling.
Another thing to avoid — reminding them of what they have or should be grateful for. Toxic positivity and comparison to others can reinforce the narrative that your loved one’s problems aren’t important.
Avoid using stigmatizing words like “crazy” or “cuckoo”, or saying things like “that’s so OCD” or “take a Xanax”
DON’T use stigmatizing language
Be careful how you talk about mental health around your friend (and in general!). Avoid using stigmatizing words like “crazy” or “cuckoo”, or using clinical diagnoses or medications flippantly in conversation — like saying “that’s so OCD” when someone is very organized or telling someone to “take a Xanax” when you want them to calm down. Check your own assumptions surrounding mental health issues, professional mental health care and medication so you aren’t causing your loved one unnecessary pain.
DON’T take their behavior personally
People’s mental health struggles are often not linear or predictable. Maybe your friend is less talkative one day, and maybe your sister keeps rescheduling your phone dates. While you may feel hurt or offended by their actions, don’t automatically assume that they are reflections of how your loved one feels about you.
Instead, use their cues as moments to check in on them, ask what you can do to support them, and remind them that you’re here for them when and if they need.
You want to be with your loved one while they’re navigating their own struggles, not steering them or pushing them.
DON’T be confrontational or try to control the situation
When you’re faced with a loved one in pain or distress, it can be really difficult not to get in the metaphorical driver’s seat and forcefully do what you think will relieve their suffering. But in doing this, you’re diminishing their sense of agency. You want to be with your loved one while they’re navigating their own struggles, not steering them or pushing them. So don’t be aggressive about what they should or shouldn’t do, and don’t give them ultimatums.
DON’T get discouraged
You may feel helpless when you’re helping and supporting a loved one who is struggling, and you don’t see them making progress. Just because you feel helpless doesn’t mean you can’t be helpful. Your loved one does not expect you to find them the magic solution or to be perfect; instead, they just need you to be present.
DON’T burn yourself out trying to support your loved one
The better you take care of yourself, the better you can be of support to your loved one. Make sure to keep taking care of yourself, doing the things you love and recharging your own batteries while being there for your loved one. Be clear and direct about your boundaries, and find ways to honor what you need to do in order to be able to show up for them.
People who are struggling with their mental health are not broken, and they do not need to be fixed.
DON’T try to fix them
People who are struggling with their mental health are not broken, and they do not need to be fixed. By jumping in with solutions and advice when they don’t explicitly ask for it, you’re sending them the message that what they’re going through is wrong or bad when in fact you are projecting your own discomfort with what they’re going through. Realize that your impulse to dive into a fix-it mode can actually be a coping mechanism to ease and absolve your own discomfort or anxiety. Which brings me to my next point …
DON’T avoid the feelings that come up for you
When we see our loved ones grappling with something difficult, chronic or hard to comprehend, it can often bring up our own difficult feelings and our own discomfort or anxiety. When this happens, it’s important not to shove that stuff under the rug. Spend time reflecting on what’s coming up for you.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself: Are you anxious because you’re scared of what’s going to happen to your loved one? Are you avoiding them because you feel helpless? Are you carrying around your own biases or stigmas around mental illness? Are you on edge because you’re resentful, burned out or just plain confused?
It’s important to get clarity on what’s coming up for you and why, so you can take care of yourself and still be there for your friend. Don’t be ashamed if you find that you could use some support or professional care. One great US-based resource is the National Alliance on Mental Illness, which hosts free support groups for people who love someone that’s struggling with their mental health.
Watch Sahaj Kaur Kohli’s TED Conversation now:
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Sahaj Kaur Kohli is the founder of Brown Girl Therapy, the first and largest mental health and wellness community of its kind for children of immigrants living in the West, where she works to promote bicultural identity and destigmatize therapy. She is also currently pursuing her master’s in clinical mental health counseling. Kohli’s passion lies at the intersection of narrative storytelling and mental health advocacy. A former journalist, she is currently working on a book to be published by Penguin Life.
This post is part of TED’s “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from people in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.
Boundaries are a process. There’s no magic pill that ensures a perfect execution — but the tools and scripts that follow will help you create a foundation to build on.
As you try them out, keep the words that work for you, practice them and open your mind to the vast options for responding mindfully, constructively and truthfully. The more integrated the words become, the less you’ll have to think. Truth will come out of your mouth with ease (and maybe even speed). Eventually you’ll find that sweet spot of healthy assertiveness — not too passive and not too aggressive.
Especially in the beginning, give yourself permission to set boundaries messily, badly or while sweating profusely. What matters most is that you do it.
Script #1: What to say when someone asks you something you’re just not sure about
As you start to flex your boundary muscles, pause to take stock of what you truly desire, especially if you’re prone to auto-accommodating and over-functioning. It can often be helpful to buy yourself more time to assess the situation and figure out specifically what you want.
Here are a few ways to do that:
● “I need a minute to regroup. Can we pick this up in a half hour?” ● “Can we chat about this later today, after I’ve had more time to think about it?” Once you’ve reflected, you can serve up a clear, charge-free “no”, depending on the context. ● To a friend who wants you to go to a dinner that sounds shoot-me-now painful: “I’m going to say no to dinner, but I’d love to catch up another time.” ● To the colleague who wants you to help with a project that’s beyond the scope of your specialty, interest or duty: “I can’t, unfortunately. But once I finish up my current deadline, I’ll circle back to see if there’s a way I can support you.”
You don’t owe anyone your personal information, especially not to satisfy their curiosity.
Script #2: What to say to deflect nosy questions
Often, my clients and students believe that they owe other people explanations and answers about anything and everything. In reality, you’re under no obligation to respond to nosy questions, even if they’re not overtly offensive. You don’t owe anyone your personal information, especially not to satisfy their curiosity.
Here are a few ways to sidestep nosy questions:
● To someone who asks how much money you make: “Trust me, not even close to what I’m worth.” ● To someone who asks about your love life: “I’d rather not discuss it right now. When I have news to share, I’ll let you know.” ● To a colleague who asks what you plan to do with your day off: “That’s why they call it a personal day!” or “Wouldn’t you like to know?”
If the person persists, repeat your stock answer. Depending on the relationship and level of aggression, you can add, “And that’s all I have to say.”
Script #3: What to say when someone is giving you unsolicited advice
If you want to share news or a personal dilemma with a friend, relative or colleague who is often quick to give you their opinion, you can set them up for success by starting with a qualifier, such as:
● “I have a situation I want to share with you. Can you just listen with compassion, please?” ● “I want to share what is going on for me and I ask that you simply listen without offering advice or criticism. I’d really appreciate that.”
If you forget to use one of those qualifiers or worry that they’re too confrontational, you can still halt their auto-advice — ‘cause you know it’s coming — with:
● “At the moment, I’m not looking for feedback. I would love it if you could just lend a compassionate ear.”
And in relationships — especially long-standing ones where the other party has a well-established fixer role — you might want to offer more context about what you’re striving for:
● “I love that you are always game to help me out. What I’d appreciate right now is for you to listen and have faith I’ll come to the answer on my own.”
Do not allow anyone to use their so-called “truth” as a stick to beat you with. Your truth is the one that matters most.
Script #4: What to say when someone is judgmental or critical of you
Veiled criticism can be worded in a way that sounds helpful or caring, but if your body wisdom starts to pipe up, you know that their judgment is crossing a line. When a friend, family member or coworker makes a rude comment and then says, “I’m just being honest,” you may feel inclined to accept their words, even though they make you feel bad.
I say: Don’t.
Someone who gives you genuinely constructive criticism is actually rooting for you — they care about you, and they’re initiating a hard conversation to clue you in to something important. If you respect this person and know them to be genuine, you will likely be open to their feedback.
But comments about how you wore the wrong dress or how bad your hair looks? Not constructive. The next time someone tells you how unflattering your jeans are or reminds you of a less-than-stellar track record in love, you can say:
● “I don’t recall asking you.” ● “What you call ‘honesty’, I call you ‘giving me your unsolicited opinion and criticism’. Please don’t.”
If you are in a relationship with someone who hides behind the “just being honest” shield, don’t put yourself in the line of fire. For example, if your super-negative friend says, “You got your hair cut,” do not open the door for her to give you an insult by asking her, “Do you like it?” You can simply reply, “Yes, I did.”
Do not allow anyone to use their so-called “truth” as a stick to beat you with. When it comes to your life, your truth is the one that matters most.
Script #5: What to say when a line has been crossed
The number-one challenge I see with my clients and students is uncertainty about how to tell someone that they’ve crossed a line. Often, if you can open up a conversation, the rest will flow. Quickly alerting the other person to your feelings, concerns, or objections can stop an easily corrected misstep or misunderstanding from turning into something more.
Here are some basic conversation starters that will help you get the ball rolling:
● “I thought you should know . . .” ● “I wanted to bring something to your attention. The other day, I felt uncomfortable when . . .” ● “I need to share my experience of what went down, because I’d like you to understand how I feel and where I am coming from . . .” ● “I want you to be aware of my feelings about what happened . . .”
One of my go-to formulas that I have been using and teaching for many years, for expressing when a boundary has been violated, is a four-part nonviolent communication process. It was originated by Marshall B. Rosenberg PhD in his seminal book by the same name.
Here’s a quick summary:
“When I see/experience ______________, I feel ______________ because my need for ______________ is not met. Would you be willing to ______________?”
This process is effective because you’re not calling names or making judgments. You are helping the other party understand how you feel and communicating the specific action that will alleviate your upset. As with all of these scripts or suggestions, you can use this framework and make it your own.
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, a global empowerment and relationship expert, and the author of the book, Boundary Boss: The Essential Gide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free.
I was kindly gifted Time To Talk: How Men Think About Love, Belonging and Connection from Maddie Dunne-Kirby at Wellbeck Publishing Group for an honest review. Thank you, Maddie.
Released in April 2021, Time To Talk is available on Amazon
Blurb
We live in a super-connected world, yet men specifically, struggle to connect and share. This is changing… but not quickly enough. Award-winning podcaster Alex Holmes sets out to accelerate this shift, debunking lingering myths around masculinity, love and connection by exploring what causes this sense of loneliness.
Starting with ‘Real Man Myths’ and features designed to encourage us to open up and share, Alex motivates us to move from:
Ignoring to Acknowledging.
Being Closed to Opening Up.
Can’t to Can.
Avoiding to Embracing.
Expecting to Accepting.
Sharing his experiences on his podcast and as a young British black man, Time to Talk is a love letter to all the men who have lost their way and to the women that love them.
About the Author
Alex Holmes is an award-winning podcaster and writer from London. He has been hosting and producing podcasts since 2016 including What Matters with Alex Reads, now named Time to Talk, and Mostly Lit, which was named by the Guardian and the BBC as one of the top podcasts of 2017 and won the Best British Podcast award at the 2018 British Book Awards. He now hosts the Time to Talk podcast, which focuses on mental health.
My Thoughts
We can be talking heads at times, just show up, chat and not get down to the meat of the subject. While this type of conversation is essential to everyday life, to live an authentic life you have to be open with your emotions. By taking the conversation down to the next level, past the surface, you can learn more about others and yourself.
Men are often raised being told to not cry, or show emotion, don’t get depressed, basically, men have been told to suck it up and this had caused a major mental health crisis as they walk into the world with these unrealistic and unhealthy goals.
Alex was traveling down the path of life when two major events rocked his emotional state. One was the suicide of an acquaintance and the second the London Riots of 2011. Emotions flooded and many emotions turned to anger and anger started to flow over. Alex knew it was time for a major change in his life. A change in how he looked at his life and how he fits in it
These events sent Alex down the road of self-discovery, he sought out well-known writers, religious thinkers, psychologists,s and many other diverse types of thinkers to uncover who he really was.
Alex sets out to debunk the myth’s that most men are raised by. Today Alex has an award-winning podcast, Time To Talk where he tackles everyday topics with his guest in a safe environment to be open with themselves on what may be holding them back in life.
Time to Talk by Alex Holmes is a great read, one I would recommend to anyone on a self-journey or just interested in where the road may take you.
Welbeck Publishing Group
Welbeck Publishing Group is an exciting, fast-growing independent publisher based in London, dedicated to publishing only the very best and most commercial books spanning a number of genres and categories, from leading authors and well-known brands to debut talent. We live for books that entertain, excite and enhance the lives of readers around the world.
From building our boutique fiction and narrative non-fiction lists to shaping our world-renowned illustrated reference, gift and children’s titles, our aim is to be a market-leader in every category in which we publish. Our books and products come to life for adults, children, and families in 30 languages in more than 60 countries around the world, selling through a variety of traditional and non-traditional channels. We are constantly looking for new ways to deliver our exceptional content and new ideas to inspire readers and listeners everywhere.
I’m so glad you are enjoying the book reviews. I’ve had the great pleasure to hear from three authors with great feedback on my reviews. I take that my skills are improving. Have a stack of six more books to read so stay posted for all genres of book reviews.
Do yourself a favor and go buy Time To Talk by Alex Holmes and break down your barriers in your life.
My Hubby and I have an ongoing ‘argument’ about who has to die first…. I know — morbid, right? Actually, we each say we have to be the first to go, because we don’t want to have to live without the other one. Unfortunately, statistics aren’t on my side for winning that argument… Did you […]
I know it may be hard to think about an upside during a pandemic but for me, there is a silver lining. My husband has been working from home since March 2020. This has created a huge ripple effect on both of us.
We were not the type of couple who talked on the phone or emailed during the day, if anything it was an “I’m on the way home” call. Now we communicate during the day in real-time instead of at end of a long workday, and a stressful commute.
There’s also a practical side to not commuting, spending less on dry cleaning, gasoline, wear and tear on the vehicle, and the insurance company offered rebates since people were driving less.
We adopted a puppy, Jet, and are able to potty train together, a big relief. He can also walk both dogs at lunch every day and several days a week we go to the park for 20 minutes to walk the dogs instead of his commute time.
We cook together, which has made cooking more fun, less stressful, and we eat earlier since there is no commute time and which is better for your digestion.
He’s home for coffee and breakfast, no fast food which is much better for his health, we have lunch together every day, and most days we go to the drive-thru at Starbucks for a mid-afternoon break and take the dogs with us. Fun for everyone.
Him being home and us spending so much time together has given us insight into what life in retirement looks like and we’ve learned we’re still friends and love each other.
His schedule now allows him to run errands on Friday, he takes a long lunch, which frees up Saturdays. Less to do on Saturday means being able to do something for himself like go to Golf Course, honey do’s or just relax.
I guess as we all age we look at our life and can compare how our life is like or different than our parents. For me, I was raised for the most part by my grandparents and my granny was my mother.
This post is more about my life becoming more like my granny’s everyday.
Granny was legally blind and was not able to drive, she spent her entire life asking others to help get her to where she needed or my gramps took her once they were married.
You would look at my life and not see the similarities on the surface but they are growing into one. I have early onset Dementia caused by Lyme Disease and it continues to progress. Over the past few year the parameter I can drive gets smaller and smaller. That’s if my husband let’s me drive.
The other similarity in our lives is my granny had Dementia too, brought on by two strokes. She didn’t know much after the second stroke and was very withdraw and self-harming.
I look back at growing up and my gramps did all the grocery shopping and errands, sometimes granny would sit in the car but most of the time she stayed home. Before her strokes she worked cleaning houses but her life was still small in the number of people she knew and experiences she had.
She cleaned house, did most of the cooking and kept up with the family via phone.
I look at my life today and my husband does all the grocery shopping and errands, sometimes I wait in the car. My life is very small, since we have no family here my interactions are with doctors and the people at Starbucks.
I never asked my granny if she would have changed her life, if she wished she could drive, did she want more for herself?
When I ask myself those questions the answers are yes, absolutely.
Where Do We Go From Here tells the true story of what life is like in a psychiatric hospital? From the good to the bad and the ugly, every bit of life in the hospital is exposed. The book acknowledges how easy it can be to go down the rabbit hotel of depression, whilst also providing the reader with hope and the knowledge that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. In this deeply absorbing memoir, Bethany Hacker shares a slightly humorous look into the brain of a normal girl with a lot of trouble going on inside of it.
About The Author
Bethany was born in Italy to American parents who worked as teachers on a US military base. She spent her developmental years there and ended up moving to the US for University where she studied Political Science. After deciding that Europe felt more like home, she moved back to Italy and onward to the UK where she was treated for various mental health issues. She currently works at a charity helping families with children in hospitals while trying to gain skills to eventually become a therapist to help others cope with any kind of mental illness.
My Thoughts
“Where do you go when you’ve lost hope? When there’s no end in sight? How do you pick yourself up when you can’t get out of bed in the morning?
Where Do We Go From Here? is the perfect book to help family members understand where you go and what’s it’s like when you’re in the hospital. It will help others better understand what it takes to get on level ground and there are no quick fixes. I think it will help open lines of communication and bring more understanding.
Cherish Editions
Cherish Editions is the self-publishing division of Trigger Publishing, the UK’s leading independent mental health and wellbeing publisher.
We are experienced in creating and selling positive, responsible, important and inspirational books, which work to de-stigmatise the issues around mental health, as well as helping people who read them to maintain and improve their mental health and wellbeing. By choosing to publish through Cherish Editions, you will get the expertise of the dedicated Trigger Team at every step of the process.
We are proud of what we do, and passionate about the books that we publish. We want to do the very best for you and your book, holding your hand every step of the way.
Where Do We Go From Here? is a must-read and a great book to help friends and family understand what daily life is like when you’re in a Psychiatric Hospital. I think it will open communication and bring a new understanding.
Once you’ve read, be sure to tell me what you think.
![Where Do We Go From Here?: An Inside View of Life in a Mental Health Hospital by [Bethany Hacker]](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/51YmwYsQTPS.jpg)
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