Moving Forward

Spreading Mental Health Awareness: One Teen at a Time — Peace from Panic

I wish I would’ve known about mental health conditions when I was a teenager. If I had, I may have told someone about my frightening and strange panic attack symptoms. I could’ve received medical help much earlier than I did. But I was embarrassed and didn’t want to be different. To me, it wasn’t an […]

via Spreading Mental Health Awareness: One Teen at a Time — Peace from Panic

Moving Forward

How Learning My MBTI Personality Type Helped Me Understand Myself

Thank you for sharing the great information. Have a great day.

Moving Forward

How do I get rid of bumpy skin on my arms? — Healthverb

Everything you should know about the bumpy red skin on your arms called keratosis pilaris. Lumpy, bumpy limbs are not just the preserve of oven-ready poultry. ‘Chicken Skin’, Keratosis pilaris affects as many as 1 in 3 of us1.It tends to run in families and although it’s harmless, it can be unsightly. Unfortunately, there’s still […]

via How do I get rid of bumpy skin on my arms? — Healthverb

Health and Wellbeing · Men & Womens Health · Moving Forward

Never take a bad work day home again, using these 3 steps

Ideas.Ted.com

Jan 7, 2019 
Men & Womens Health · Moving Forward

How to deliver an authentic apology

Ideas.Ted.com

Jan 8, 2019 / Carly Alaim

A simple framework for delivering a short, sincere “I’m sorry,” from criminal defense attorney Jahan Kalantar.

Every weekday for the month of January, TED Ideas will publish a new post in a series called “How to Be a Better Human,” containing a helpful piece of advice from a speaker in the TED community. To see all the posts in the series, click here.

Quick survey: What’s the worst part of apologizing?

A) Working up the courage to admit we were wrong.

B) Standing in front of the other person and saying that we’re sorry.

C) Waiting for a reaction from the other person after we’ve spoken.

You’re on your own with the first and third parts, but Jahan Kalantar, a criminal defense attorney in Sydney, Australia, is here to assist with the second.

In his profession, apologies matter a great deal. “I’m talking about the difference between going to jail and going home, the difference between seeing your children twice a year or twice a week,” says Kalantar.

But even when there’s a lot at stake, and even when you feel genuine remorse, you may still find it hard to apologize, searching for the perfect words that, as Kalantar puts it “communicate vulnerability and gratitude.”

He suggests a simple “why-because-and” framework.

Start by looking the other person in the eye.

Say why you’re sorry.

For example: “I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to your housewarming party …” or “I’m sorry I handed in my proposal one day late …”

Explain the because behind your remorse.

For example: “… because I know you were so excited to show me your home …” or “… because I know you need those numbers to figure out the budget …”

Finish with an and.

For example: “… and when you have another party, I’ll be there.” or “… and I’ll send you the report tomorrow and I’ll be sure to meet all future deadlines.”

Kalantar’s method identifies what went wrong, acknowledges fault, and then points towards a solution. In cases such as a silver-wedding anniversary dinner, there is no obvious and to offer, but you can say something like “… and I’d love to celebrate with you and Mary in the future.”

Through your words and tone of voice, you should make it clear that you’ve thought about your actions and you’re truly sorry. “The next time you make a mistake … don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and authentic, because the power of any message is how honest of a place it starts its journey,” says Kalantar.

Watch his TEDxSydney talk here:

Men & Womens Health · Moving Forward · Survivor

I’ve added to the Organizations Who Can Help page

Please take a look at the resources available under Organizations Who Can Help page.

I appreciate you visiting my blog, have a great day.

M

Moving Forward

Learning To Thrive In Spite Of The Fibro “Storm”: My Top 3 Tips — Reclaiming HOPE

We’re getting snow today….or maybe a mix of sleet, rain and snow…. We’re hearing three different things from three different news outlets. We definitely have a winter storm coming in, but the forecasters don’t seem to know exactly what path, and therefore what type of precipitation this storm is actually going to take yet. Sometimes […]

via Learning To Thrive In Spite Of The Fibro “Storm”: My Top 3 Tips — Reclaiming HOPE

Men & Womens Health · Moving Forward · Survivor

RAINN: Marissa’s Story

“When I speak authentically and truthfully about my experience, I have power. I am not going away.”

Marissa Hoechstetter was repeatedly sexually assaulted by the OB-GYN she saw during her pregnancy, the delivery of her twin daughters, and follow-up appointments. The perpetrator was well-regarded in the field and was recommended to Marissa by a friend. At the time of the incidents, Marissa trusted her doctor’s treatment and was focused on making sure her pregnancy went well.

“With medical professionals, there’s often a legitimate reason for why their hands are on your body. There’s a gray area and the minute you step into their office, they have power over you,” says Marissa. “Looking back, there were a lot of things that felt odd, but I was pregnant and focused on my babies and after all, this person was the uncle of a close friend of mine.”

During one visit after her twins were born, Marissa recognized that the behavior crossed medical boundaries and knew immediately that something was wrong. “I felt it happen and froze. I never went back.” Despite continuing to feel for years that what had happened was wrong, Marissa chose not to report because she was immersed in being a new mother and found herself minimizing her own experience in comparison to other stories of sexual assault. “It just kept coming back to me how wrong it was, but I had one-year-old twins and was working full-time. I didn’t have the ability to acknowledge or deal with it.”

Marissa says it was hard for her to speak about the abuse at the beginning, but eventually she realized that sharing her story would allow her both to help others and to begin her own healing. “I got to the point with it all where I really felt like if I couldn’t speak publicly about this, who could? I felt hypocritical raising two daughters and telling them to tell the truth and call out injustice. I thought ‘I’m not doing that.’”

Marissa first disclosed the assault a few years later to her husband and the district attorney’s office, and she decided that she was going to keep telling her story until she got justice. “It’s taken me some time to find my voice—but now that I have, I’m not going to stop using it.”

For Marissa, speaking out about the abuse was very difficult at the beginning because she felt ashamed, angry, and confused—often questioning her own experience; but it got easier over time. “Each time I talk about it, it gets easier. I’m at a point now where I’m talking about it quite a lot.” But it was a gradual process for her to start telling her story. “Each time I’ve reached out or made my story more public, it’s turned out to be OK. I’m fortunate that I’ve had really positive experiences.” The MeToo Movement created an environment that validated Marissa’s experience. “I saw things and realized that the same things had happened to me. I felt more comfortable speaking out.”

Through speaking about the abuse, Marissa created the opportunity for other women who had experienced abuse by the same perpetrator to come forward. Of the many survivors, 17 sued Columbia University and its hospitals for the alleged oversights that allowed this abuse to continue over the course of 20 years. Marissa was not the first person to have spoken up about it—she says that others had been reporting incidents going back to the 1990s, but no action had been taken to stop the abuser from seeing patients. Though the other survivors remain anonymous to the public, Marissa says it has been helpful to know that she is not alone.

Marissa aims to raise awareness of sexual abuse by medical professionalsboth so that survivors of this crime no longer feel alone and so that the legal and institutional systems that allow this abuse to occur can change. “So many people reach out to me who want to talk about sexual abuse by medical professionals. There’s a lot of shame and self doubt. They want to validate their experience. They don’t know what to do, where to go.” “We need to draw more attention to this so that the profession can acknowledge it and take better steps to protect patients. We need change—from the institutions that employ, enable, and protect these abusers, to the governmental structures that are supposed to regulate them.”

Short statute of limitations and limited roles of admissible evidence mean that, often for crimes of sexual abuse that go on over a long period of time, it is very limiting for prosecutors trying to show a pattern and history of illegal behavior. That is why Marissa advocates for increasing public opinion around the issue of why someone didn’t report earlier in order to address the issue of statutes of limitations, which she believes should be reformed. “It’s so great that RAINN has the statutes of limitations state database—so often survivors don’t know what the laws are in their state.”

In terms of giving advice to others about recognizing medical sexual abuse, Marissa says to trust your instincts. “Honestly just trust your gut. If something doesn’t feel right or comfortable, go somewhere else.” She also recommends being an informed patient as much as possible. “Be an informed consumer for this like you would be about anything else in your life.” She recommends researching both the healthcare provider and the facility. In addition to reporting sexual abuse to the hospital and police, survivors can also contact their state’s medical board to file a complaint against providers, though unfortunately in most states you cannot access these complaints against doctors. Marissa has been advocating for greater transparency on medical boards.

In addition to the healing Marissa has experienced though advocacy and sharing her story, she has also found the support of family, friends, and therapy to be essential. “Therapy was helpful for working out how I felt about what happened to me and what I wanted to do about it.” Her therapist encouraged to start writing down her thoughts and feelings, which Marissa has continued to do for years. “Putting it down on paper and reading it back to myself was really powerful for me.” Marissa also runs regularly, which is useful to her both for the exercise and for finding alone time to reground herself and clear her thoughts.

Though sharing her story and becoming an advocate for other survivors has been healing for Marissa, she emphasizes that survivors should do what is best for them and should not feel they have to disclose publicly.

“For me, I knew I needed to do something. Speaking out for me was about feeling productive.”

 

“When I speak authentically and truthfully about my experience, I have power. I am not going away.”

Men & Womens Health · Moving Forward

Happy 98th Birthday Granny

Journalism

Granny it’s hard to believe it’s your 98th birthday, I celebrate the memories in my head. You were on my side from birth, making unannounced house visits, questioning where I was and making sure I had clothes. You made my clothes until fifth grade, how did you find the time with all the hard work you did?

Times were so different, you woke up at 4:30 am to make Gramps fried eggs and toast, while he ate you made a fresh sandwich, fresh thermos of tea and a snack, walked to door and gave a peak on the lips. You were happy.

As I got older you started cleaning houses to make money for my school clothes. I knew you worked so hard but I never thanked you, you made many sacrifices so I could have the cool jeans in high school and the popular shoe of choice.

You were the beautiful sunshine, loving part of my life. I miss you desperately. I know you’re proud and love me. I included one of your favorite photos of me.

Moving Forward

12 Life-Changing Reads & Self-Help Books For 2019 — Invisibly Me

With attempts to renew hope and motivation for the New Year, I thought I’d share a few life-changing reads and self-help books to reignite your spark. These are reads to inspire, encourage, empower and enlighten, with a particular focus on chronic illness and mental health. Happy reading! 1. You Can Heal Your Life – Louise […]

via 12 Life-Changing Reads & Self-Help Books For 2019 — Invisibly Me

Fun · Moving Forward

On This Day In History

1898.    

Painter Henri Matisse (28) weds Amélie Noellie Parayre

1841 

George Melville, American polar explorer & naval engineer, born in NYC, New York (d. 1912)

First meeting of the United Nations

The first General Assembly of the United Nations, comprising 51 nations, convenes at Westminster Central Hall in London, England. One week later, the U.N. Security Council met for the first time and established its rules of procedure. Then, on January 24, the General Assembly …read more

AOL-Time Warner formed

On this day in 2000, in one of the biggest media mergers in history, America Online Inc. announces plans to acquire Time Warner Inc. for some $182 billion in stock and debt. The result was a $350 billion mega-corporation, AOL Time Warner, which held dominant positions in every …read more

1929

The first Adventures of Tintin comic book is published

Hergé’s books became hugely popular in Europe and the rest of the world.

Births On This Day – January 10

1953 Pat Benatar  American singer-songwriter

1949 George Foreman  American boxer

1945 Rod Stewart  English/Scottish singer-songwriter

 

Moving Forward

Could your thoughts make you age faster?

Apr 26, 2017  + 

Researchers are finding that your mental patterns could be harming your telomeres — essential parts of the cell’s DNA — and affecting your life and health. Nobel-winning scientist Elizabeth Blackburn and health psychologist Elissa Epel explain.

How can one person bask in the sunshine of good health, while another person looks old before her time? Humans have been asking this question for millennia, and recently, it’s becoming clearer and clearer to scientists that the differences between people’s rates of aging lie in the complex interactions among genes, social relationships, environments and lifestyles. Even though you are born with a particular set of genes, the way you live can influence how they express themselves. Some lifestyle factors may even turn genes on or shut them off.

Deep within the genetic heart of all our cells are telomeres, or repeating segments of noncoding DNA that live at the ends of the chromosomes. They form caps at the ends of the chromosomes and keep the genetic material from unraveling. Shortening with each cell division, they help determine how fast a cell ages. When they become too short, the cell stops dividing altogether. This isn’t the only reason a cell can become senescent — there are other stresses on cells we don’t yet understand very well — but short telomeres are one of the major reasons human cells grow old. We’ve devoted most of our careers to studying telomeres, and one extraordinary discovery from our labs (and seen at other labs) is that telomeres can actually lengthen.

What this means: aging is a dynamic process that could possibly be accelerated or slowed — and, in some aspects, even reversed. To an extent, it has surprised us and the rest of the scientific community that telomeres do not simply carry out the commands issued by your genetic code. Your telomeres are listening to you. The foods you eat, your response to challenges, the amount of exercise you get, and many other factors appear to influence your telomeres and can prevent premature aging at the cellular level. One of the keys to enjoying good health is simply doing your part to foster healthy cell renewal.

People who score high on measures of cynical hostility have shorter telomeres.

Scientists have learned that several thought patterns appear to be unhealthy for telomeres, and one of them is cynical hostility. Cynical hostility is defined by high anger and frequent thoughts that other people cannot be trusted. Someone with hostility doesn’t just think, “I hate to stand in long lines at the grocery store”; they think, “That other shopper deliberately sped up and beat me to my rightful position in the line!” — and then seethe. People who score high on measures of cynical hostility tend to get more cardiovascular disease, metabolic disease and often die at younger ages. They also have shorter telomeres. In a study of British civil servants, men who scored high on measures of cynical hostility had shorter telomeres than men whose hostility scores were low. The most hostile men were 30 percent more likely to have a combination of short telomeres and high telomerase (an enzyme in cells that helps keep telomeres in good shape) — a profile that seems to reflect the unsuccessful attempts of telomerase to protect telomeres when they are too short.

These men had the opposite of a healthy response to stress. Ideally, your body responds to stress with a spike in cortisol and blood pressure, followed by a quick return to normal levels. Instead, when these men were exposed to stress, their diastolic blood pressure and cortisol levels were blunted, a sign their stress response was, basically, broken from overuse. Their systolic blood pressure increased, but instead of returning to normal levels, it stayed elevated for a long time afterward. The hostile men also had fewer social connections and less optimism. In terms of their physical and psychosocial health, they were highly vulnerable to an early disease-span, the years in a person’s life marked by the diseases of aging, which include cardiovascular disease, arthritis, a weakened immune system and more. Women tend to have lower hostility, and it’s less related to heart disease for them, but there are other psychological culprits affecting women’s health, such as depression.

When you ruminate, stress sticks around in the body long after the reason for the stress is over.

Pessimism is the second thought pattern that has been shown to have negative effects on telomeres. When our research team conducted a study on pessimism and telomere length, we found that people who scored high on a pessimism inventory had shorter telomeres. This was a small study of about 35 women, but similar results have been found in other studies, including a study of over 1,000 men. It also fits with a large body of evidence that pessimism is a risk factor for poor health. When pessimists develop an aging-related illness, like cancer or heart disease, the illness tends to progress faster. Like cynically hostile people — and people with short telomeres, in general — they tend to die earlier.

Rumination — the act of rehashing problems over and over — is the third destructive thought pattern. How do you tell rumination from harmless reflection? Reflection is the natural, introspective analysis about why things happen a certain way. It may cause you some healthy discomfort, but rumination feels awful. And rumination never leads to a solution, only to more ruminating.

When you ruminate, stress sticks around in the body long after the reason for the stress is over, in the form of prolonged high blood pressure, elevated heart rate, and higher levels of cortisol. Your vagus nerve, which helps you feel calm and keeps your heart and digestive system steady, withdraws its activity — and remains withdrawn long after the stressor is over. In a study, we examined daily stress responses in healthy women who were family caregivers. The more the women ruminated after a stressful event, the lower the telomerase in their aging CD8 cells (the crucial immune cells that send out proinflammatory signals when they are damaged). People who ruminate experience more depression and anxiety, which are, in turn, associated with shorter telomeres.

The fourth thought pattern is thought suppression, the attempt to push away unwanted thoughts and feelings. The late Daniel Wegener, a Harvard social psychologist, once came across this line from the great Russian writer Leo Tolstoy: “Try to pose for yourself this task: not to think of a polar bear, and you will see that the cursed thing will come to mind every minute.” Wegener put this idea to the test through a series of experiments and identified a phenomenon he called ironic error, meaning that the more forcefully you push your thoughts away, the louder they call out for your attention.

Ironic error may also be harmful to telomeres. If we try to manage stressful thoughts by sinking the bad thoughts into the deepest waters of our subconscious, it can backfire. The chronically stressed brain’s resources are already taxed — we call this cognitive load — making it even harder to successfully suppress thoughts. Instead of less stress, we get more. In a small study, greater avoidance of negative feelings and thoughts was associated with shorter telomeres. Avoidance alone is probably not enough to harm telomeres, but it can lead to chronic stress arousal and depression, both of which may shorten your telomeres.

Thought awareness can promote stress resilience. With time, you learn to encounter ruminations and say, “That’s just a thought.”

The final thought pattern is mind wandering. Harvard psychologists Matthew Killingsworth (TED Talk: Want to be happier? Stay in the moment) and Daniel Gilbert (TED Talk: The surprising science of happiness) used a “track your happiness” iPhone app to ask thousands of people questions about what activity they are engaged in, what their minds are doing, and how happy they are. Killingsworth and Gilbert discovered we spend half of the day thinking about something other than what we’re doing. They also found that when people are not thinking about what they’re doing, they’re not as happy as when they’re engaged. In particular, negative mind wandering — thinking negative thoughts, or wishing you were somewhere else — was more likely to lead to unhappiness in their next moments.

Together with Eli Putermanwe studied close to 250 healthy, low-stress women who ranged from 55 to 65 years old and assessed their tendency to mind-wander. We asked them two questions: How often in the past week have you had moments when you felt totally focused or engaged in doing what you were doing at the moment? How often in the past week have you had any moments when you felt you didn’t want to be where you were, or doing what you were doing at the moment? Then we measured the women’s telomeres.

The women with the highest levels of self-reported mind-wandering had telomeres that were shorter by around 200 base pairs. (To put this in context, a typical 35-year-old has roughly 7,500 base pairs of telomeres; a 65-year-old, 4,800 base pairs.) This was regardless of how much stress they had in their lives. Some mind-wandering can be creative, of course. But when you are thinking negative thoughts about the past, you are more likely to be unhappy, and you may possibly even experience higher levels of resting stress hormones.

The negative thought patterns we’ve described are automatic, exaggerated and controlling. They take over your mind; it’s as if they tie a blindfold around your brain so you can’t see what is really going on around you. But when you become more aware of your thoughts, you take off the blindfold. You won’t necessarily stop the thoughts, but you have more clarity. Activities that promote better thought awareness include most types of meditation, along with most forms of mind-body exercises, including long-distance running.

Thought awareness can promote stress resilience. With time, you learn to encounter your own ruminations or problematic thoughts and say, “That’s just a thought. It’ll fade.” That is a secret about the human mind: We don’t need to believe everything our thoughts tell us. Or, as the bumper sticker says, “Don’t believe everything you think.”

Excerpted from the new book The Telomere Effect: A Revolutionary Approach to Living Younger, Healthier, Longer by Elizabeth Blackburn and Elissa Epel. Reprinted with permission from Grand Central Publishing, a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc. © 2017 Elizabeth Blackburn and Elissa Epel.

Moving Forward

Is ‘Bird Box’ About Mental Health?

Psychology Today Shainna Ali Ph.D., LMHC

A Modern Mentality

 

If you’re a human who uses social media, you’ve likely seen flocks of folks commenting on Netflix’s recently released psychological thriller, Bird Box. Based on the post-apocalyptic novel by Josh Malerman, the adaptation has spiked in recent popularity as Netflix claims it has been watched by over 45 million viewers in just one week.

Netflix's Twitter Account

 

Bird Box has become a light-hearted meme-sensation, but has also evoked serious food for thought in viewers pondering the deeper meaning of the movie. Some are starting to wonder about hidden messages linking topics such as racism and social media. Many viewers versed in mental health awareness have called for trigger warnings and have also critiqued the popular movie for further perpetuating villainized stereotypes of mental illnesses. While I will not claim to know the true underlying meaning, I will confess that I do recognize that there are mental health lessons to be learned through this film. I will do my best to refrain from spoilers beyond the trailer, but if you do plan to watch the movie, it may be best to read lesson one and then make an informed decision of whether to watch first, after, or maybe even not at all based on what is best for your mental wellness.

There’s no harm in trigger warnings.

Developed by the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA), the Classification and Ratings Administration (CARA) was established in 1968 with the aim of helping parents make informed decisions about viewing choices for their children. The “R” rating precedes Bird Box, alluding to the potential for “adult themes, adult activity, hard language, intense or persistent violence, sexually-oriented nudity, drug abuse or other elements.” While this rating is a helpful, it’s rather broad and fails to include specific elements pertaining to mental health. A system designed to flag potential warnings for children is an excellent start, but adults are not immune to being affected by triggering themes as well. The current classification could benefit from specifiers pertaining to mental health trigger warnings for themes such as anxietytraumaself-harm, and suicidality. Many viewers have flocked to social media to share their personal experiences and warnings, and while their messages are helpful, it may help to preface movies with mental health warnings.

Mental illness or mental health?

Hollywood has a long history of stereotyping mental health. Unfortunately, it isn’t novel to see mental health depicted in a poor light. While some movies have been lauded for more accurate depictions of mental health, Hollywood is notorious for villainizing mental illness, as in popular films such as Splitand GothikaBird Box has received criticism for perpetuating negative portrayals of individuals living with mental health concerns, specifically those who are hospitalized. Some hidden messages could be gathered as well, such as the inability for others to see the problem and the subsequent tendency to minimize the gravity of the problem. While we have come a long way in terms of recognizing the importance mental health, there is much to be done to continue to destigmatize mental illness and advocate for mental health awareness.

The truth is in there.

Many are on the hunt for the true meaning of Bird Box. While we might be able to ask Malerman himself, there is something to be said for each person’s unique interpretation. I promised to not attempt to convey a potential theory, and that is only out of respect for your own. A good movie prompts us to think. Aspects such as gaps in time and underdeveloped characters could be the foundation for film critique, or opportunities for your own truth. The difference in opinions are projections of our own perspectives. Some people may experience triggers pertaining to their lived experiences, while others may not. Some people may view the film as negatively depicting health disparities, while some may point to scenes that highlight positive portrayals. Some people may see a statement on the state of society, while others may feel a poignant connection to their own life. Being a reflection of you, your reflection is just as valid as any other. Therefore, respecting your personalized view can help to promote your mental well-being. This may look as simple as honoring your view as much as those of others. However, if this movie, or any other, brings themes to the surface that become distracting for you, the responsible action to tend to your mental wellness would be to use this occurrence as a signal to practice self-care and/or to seek help.

Moving Forward

Goals for 2019 not Resolutions

 

close up of text
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I’m not one for resolutions, they seem to fade with the first day. Setting goals works for me, I feel accountable to a goal. I also make stretch goals, like my sales career, stretch goals pay the highest reward. Goals may need adjusting as the year goes on.

Life can derail your goals, pick yourself up, and set new goals. My goals have been derail for the last several years but I don’t feel let down or bad. Health can derail all of your goals, reset new ones.

Remember, the resolutions or goals are for us, written by us. Don’t get down on yourself if you can’t check off every goal. Not many can.

M

 

Moving Forward

Not Enough Pediatric Rheumatologists — Dr. Micha Abeles

A child who does not receive adequate treatment for a rheumatic condition may suffer dire lifelong consequences.

via Not Enough Pediatric Rheumatologists — Dr. Micha Abeles

Moving Forward

Today in History January 3rd

1496 Leonardo da Vinci unsuccessfully tests a flying machine

1777  General George Washington‘s revolutionary army defeats British forces at Battle of Princeton, New Jersey

1834 The government of Mexico imprisons Stephen F. Austin in Mexico City.

1977 Apple Computer, Inc incorporates

1986 British golfer Nick Faldo (28) weds manager’s secretary Gill Bennett

 

1840  1st deep sea sounding by James Clark Ross in south Atlantic at 2425                                 fathoms (14,450 feet)

1888 1st wax drinking straw patented, by Marvin C Stone in Washington, D.C.

 

Birthdays

1956   Mel Gibson, American actor (Mad Max, Mrs Soffel, Lethal Weapon) and                filmmaker, born in Peekskill, New York

1965  Eli Manning

1946  John Paul Jones, rocker, Led Zeppelin-Stairway to Heaven

 

Moving Forward

Charity Navigator: Go Here Before Donating

Charity Navigator tracks information on all charities and how the money is spent or is the overhead to high. It will show how much is spent on administrative cost, those mailers every week after you’ve begged to take you off list. This is the best place to confirm the charity you support is spending your money as you would.

https://www.charitynavigator.org

impact data promo banner

Moving Forward

RAINN.org Christa’s Story

Christa is a Survivor of Sexual Assault, her story is hard to read and yet she comes out on top. She was able to more forward and rebuild her life. She has the strength like many of you. She turned to RAINN.org for support.

 

I support RAINN and want to share a postcard with the good news of how many SURVIVORS were helped in 2018. The bad news is many are not receiving the support due to long hotline wait times. Please consider RAINN when you give this season. You can donate at donate.rainn.org/2018. Thank you for reading and your continued support.    Melinda


More than 260,000 SURVIVORS and their loved ones this year have turned to RAINN’s victim services programs to seek help–a record and the need continues to increase.

Unfortunately, because of hotline wait times that have reached 5 1/2 hours, thousands of survivors have left before we were able to be there to provide support. We need your help to be there for the survivors today and everyday.

This month, your gift will go twice as fast to ensure SURVIVORS get the help they need. When you give to RAINN through December 31st, a group of generous donors will match your gift, dollar for dollar. 

Men & Womens Health · Moving Forward · Survivor

Is it Passive-Aggression, or Just Fear of Expressing Your Needs?

By
~ 3 min read

I wrote an article recently on the various ways in which passive-aggressive behavior can undermine and destroy relationships. And it certainly can do just that.

But as I was outlining the behaviors and language typically associated with the passive-aggressive personality, I couldn’t help but feel that several of the traits and habits seemed out of place. At the very least, they seemed to require a separate category of their own.

What is Passive-Aggression?

Passive-aggression is described as the indirect expression of anger and hostility, and is largely considered a learned behavior in response to an environment or upbringing in which these ‘negative’ feelings are not permitted. Veiled insults and criticisms, a generally sullen or negativistic attitude, stubbornness, sabotage, and deliberately failing to take care of required tasks are all ways in which the passive-aggressive person might express their underlying hostility towards another as a means of control or manipulation.

What About Fear?

But what of those of us who struggle to express any strong emotions, such as jealousy, worry, fear, hurt feelings, even love?

In a culture where appearing strong, independent and capable at all times is considered a marker of success, expressing emotionality is often viewed as weakness, neediness, or ‘softness’. As a result, many are hesitant to reveal their true feelings and emotional needs out of a fear of judgement, reprisal or rejection. We don’t want to appear as though we don’t have it all together.

Carrying this fear of expression into our personal relationships can lead to many of the same behaviors and language associated with passive-aggression, but without the underlying desire to control or manipulate.

For example, if a man believes it is a sign of weakness to express insecurity, fear or sadness, he will likely feel far too vulnerable to show these emotions, and so his need for reassurance or consolation may go unmet. He may eventually resent his partner for not meeting his buried and unexpressed needs, engaging in passive-aggressive behavior such as childishness or stubbornness, or he may become detached and ‘emotionally unavailable’ in order to avoid his painful feelings.

Girls and women are often taught that it is unacceptable to express anger or assertiveness, and as a result may feel that it is unattractive or undesirable to communicate these feelings or needs. Instead of addressing their anger in a healthy way, or of stating their needs in a direct and tactful manner, they may instead engage in nagging, complaining or passive-aggressive tactics such as withdrawing affection or giving the cold shoulder.

Learning to express our strong emotions and needs in our close relationships can be intimidating. Our culture does not encourage vulnerability, and yet it is this very vulnerability that leads to healthy, strong relationships in which trust and non-judgement make us feel safe enough to do so.

Taking that first leap into the unknown and frightening territory of vulnerability can be daunting, but it is the only way to overcome our fear and give voice to our very personal, very normal feelings and needs.

How to Express Your Emotions and Needs

  • Become aware of your true feelings; we often skip over the really uncomfortable ones of pain, fear and insecurity, and jump into anger as an avoidance tactic. When you feel yourself getting angry, ask yourself what the originating feeling is. If you have difficulty naming your feelings, take a look at a list of emotions to get you started.
  • If you have veered into anger, wait until you have calmed down before discussing with your partner. You’re much more likely to say things you don’t mean when in the grips of anger. Count to 10, take a series of deep breaths, go for a walk around the block – whatever it takes.
  • Start small, perhaps letting your partner know the next time you feel sad or worried. When he or she asks you what’s wrong, instead of answering with a defensive “I’m fine” or laughing it off with a joke, try “Actually, something is wrong. I feel lonely today for some reason.”
  • Always speak from your own perspective instead of accusing or pointing the finger. This is a key component of Non-Violent Communication. For example, instead of “You’re so insensitive. You really acted like a jerk today”, try “I feel very hurt right now. Can we talk about the comments you made today in front of our friends?”.
  • Once you have shared your feelings, follow it up by talking about what you needfrom your partner or the relationship, if anything. For example, perhaps you’re feeling disconnected and lonely, and you’d like more time together. Don’t demand or whine, just state your need: “I feel like I need a little more alone time with you. Could we schedule in a date night once a week?”, instead of “We never spend time together anymore because you’re always working!”
  • Address emotional issues and needs as soon as is practically possible. You may not want to launch a heavy emotional discussion right before your partner leaves for work, but waiting and allowing feelings to fester will only make things harder to bring up, and this is how hidden and building resentments blow up into arguments and shouting matches.
  • Not all emotions need to be shared and discussed; at times, simply sitting with a feeling and looking at a situation from a calm perspective is enough to resolve it. Journalling, meditation, and body work such as yoga or tai chi are all very helpful in this regard.

Healthy expression of our emotions and needs, without judgement (from self or others) and without demands or accusations, is vital to creating strong, healthy relationships. Though many of us have been taught that it is unwise and unsafe to be open and vulnerable with others in this way, it is only by having the courage to do so that we create the safe, supportive and resilient relationships we deserve.

 

Moving Forward

Learn More about Building Hope & Resiliency Through DoD Safe Helpline

The program is overdue and my hope is the word gets out for people to use the services.  M
RAINN.ORG

Department of Defense Safe Helpline is excited to share that their program, Building Hope & Resiliency: Addressing the Effects of Sexual Assault has been redesigned. Building Hope & Resiliency: Addressing the Effects of Sexual Assault is a self-guided, online, anonymous, educational program that seeks to help individuals begin to recover, heal and build resiliency within themselves after sexual assault. In 2015, the Secretary of Defense directed the development of a self-guided educational program to assist members of the Department of Defense (DoD) community, including cadets and midshipman, who have experienced prior sexual trauma. Recognizing the impact that trauma can have on an individual’s performance, this program is part of a comprehensive effort to enhance individual and collective resilience and improve readiness across the Total Force.

The program features definitions, helpful information about coping mechanisms, practical relaxation exercises, and links to resources and referrals for on-going support. Also included is a brief, optional self-assessment for survivors to gauge how effective their current coping strategies are and whether they may benefit from additional support and resources. Learn more about the program here.

Safe Helpline launched in February 2011 and is operated by the Department of Defense Sexual Assault Prevention and Response Office (DoD SAPRO) through a contract with RAINN (the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)—the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization. DoD SAPRO is responsible for the policy and oversight of the Department’s sexual assault prevention and response program. SAPRO works hand-in-hand with the Services and the civilian community to develop and implement innovative prevention and response programs.

DoD Safe Helpline provides anonymous, confidential, specialized support, information and resources to help empower sexual assault survivors in the DoD community as they take the next steps in their healing process. Safe Helpline services are available worldwide, 24/7—ensuring access to help, anytime, anywhere.

Men & Womens Health · Moving Forward

Christa’s Story

RAINN.ORG

Christa is a Survivor of Sexual Assault, her story is hard to read and yet she comes out on top. She was able to more forward and rebuild her life. She has the strength like many of you.

 

“When you speak with a survivor of sexual assault, imagine that they are a loved one who has gone through this. How would you want them to be treated?”

Christa Hayburn was sexually assaulted by a superior at the Police Department where she served as a law enforcement officer.

For the next two years she did not report the assault to the department for fear of losing her job. When she experienced an unrelated injury and found out that she could no longer work as a police officer, she finally felt that she could report the assault to the Internal Affairs Department. After turning in a written description of the assault, she was taken to an interrogation room and questioned by two detectives for 6-8 hours.

“They whisked me away as soon as they saw that this involved a person in a position of power. That day was very retraumatizing.”

Christa says the department and the city did not take her report seriously or take measures to ensure that the perpetrator could not sexually assault others. After filing her report, Christa faced retaliation from the city. They expressed doubt about Christa’s medical reports regarding the injury that prevented her from continuing to serve on the police force, and appointed a private investigator to follow her.

Over the next four years, Christa fought against city officials to make sure that her report of sexual assault was investigated appropriately and that her injury was taken seriously. She eventually resigned from the department. Later, two more women reported being sexually assaulted by the same perpetrator, who had been promoted to deputy inspector.

Christa filed a federal retaliation lawsuit against the city, entering an extended legal process. She ultimately decided to discontinue the case for the good of herself and her family. “The day before my deposition I read through my internal affairs report and saw all the transcripts attacking me and attacking my credibility…trying to find flaws in me and my story,” says Christa. “I thought to myself—I’m done. How much more can I put myself through? When do I say, ‘enough is enough? That’s when I started a journey of setting boundaries for myself.’”

Christa is disappointed in the way her case was handled and believes that police departments need to have more training about how to work with survivors and those who have experienced trauma. At the department where she worked, Christa says that “Not only are these incidents happening, but then the institution goes after the victim and protects the perpetrator.”

As a law enforcement officer herself, she saw her role as someone who should act with integrity to protect and serve her community. “I’ve led my life following the law. It’s so disheartening to see the department not following the standards of honor and integrity they hold others to.”

Christa is thankful that she can continue to help survivors through sharing her own story and letting others know they are not alone. “Who am I? I had no position of power within the police department. But I knew that consistently telling my story would help someone else.” Christa served as a star witness for another victim of the same perpetrator, and her testimony helped win the case.

Because of the sexual assault, Christa has experienced PTSD, depression, and suicidal ideation. She found therapy and medication helpful in getting her through some particularly difficult periods of her healing, but regaining her sense of self has been most crucial. ”What’s been helpful for me has been learning who I am again. My identity was ripped away from me, and I had to relearn who Christa Hayburn was.”

She has also found meditation, exercise, and spending time outdoors to be helpful. “I’ve learned to treat myself with more self love than I have ever done in my life. I make sure to do things with my family, go out in nature, cook, spend time with my pets, spend time with friends—just be a normal human.”

Christa’s advice for other survivors is to not be afraid of relying on a support system of people you trust during the healing process. For Christa, her husband has been her greatest advocate. “He’s walked through this journey with me—through some ugly points. We are still together, and he is my biggest supporter,” says Christa. “I know what it’s like to have that support from someone, and that’s why it’s so important for me to give that support to others. If they can feel heard, then they’ll pass it on. It’s a ripple effect of love, compassion, and empathy.”

Christa finds strength, purpose, and healing in being an advocate for other survivors. “I never wanted to be a victim of my circumstances. I had to be an advocate for others and through that, for myself.” Christa recently worked with city officials to create a bill that would require all city workers to regularly receive sexual harassment training. “Being part of that was wonderful.”

Christa now works at a crisis center for sexual assault survivors where she finds fulfillment and continued healing through helping others and sharing her story. “I’m so glad I can be there for survivors. I will continue to advocate for change until true change takes place across the country. People in these institutions have to take sexual assault seriously and be more supportive of those who come forward.”

“Having the opportunity to share this is truly a gift—no one talks about it,” Christa says in regards to speaking about sexual assault within police departments. “But this is something we desperately need to talk about so that we can offer support and create true change in these communities.”

Christa’s hope for the future of sexual violence is that no one will have to fear coming forward to share their story. “No healing can be done when you’re afraid of losing everything from under you.”

“I’ve learned to step outside of my experience and realize that I have the ultimate control over my story and what the ending to that story looks like. The moment I realized that, I got my power back.”

Moving Forward

[Wellness Wednesday] Discovering Our ‘Why’ For Wellness Changes — Reclaiming HOPE

Happy Wednesday everyone, and welcome to the final Wellness Wednesday of 2018! My son is coming home for Christmas, so I’ll be taking a little break for the last week of the year. Thanks so much to everyone who gave me input last week about our upcoming Wellness Wednesday posts. You all gave me some […]

via [Wellness Wednesday] Discovering Our ‘Why’ For Wellness Changes — Reclaiming HOPE

Fun · Moving Forward

Go To Honey Facial Massage

Honey Facial Massage

The recipe is provided by Willow and Sage by Stampington by Kari Peters. 

Honey is an humectant, with means that it draws water to itself, helping to helping to keep your skin moisturized. It’s antibacterial, antifungal and antiviral, making it the perfect spot treatment as well as mask. Honey is suitable for all skin types. 

You will need

  • 1 table Honey

To make 

Apply about one tablespoon of honey to your clean face. Start by dabbing some on your forehead and both checks. Slowly begin to massage in to your skin, taking care around the eyes area. Massage face your face for a couple of minutes to help circulation, and then let the mask set for a minimum of five minutes before washing off.For extra benefits let the mack set for 15-20 minutes. 

Moving Forward

On This Day December 13th

2000

Vice President Al Gore reluctantly concedes defeat to Texas Governor George W. Bush in his bid for the presidency, following weeks of legal battles over the recounting of votes in Florida, on this day in 2000.

1951

After meeting with FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover, President Harry S Truman vows to purge all disloyal government workers.

1972

Astronaut Gene Cernan climbs into his lunar lander on the moon and prepares to lift off. He is the last man to set foot on the moon.

Birthdays

1925

Dick Van Dyke, actor, singer, producer; (The Dick Van Dyke TV series, Mary Poppins)

1934

Richard D. Zanuck, film producer; won Academy Award for Best Picture in 1989 (Driving Miss Daisy)

1985

France sues the United States over the discovery of an AIDS serum.

1951

Ted Nugent, singer, songwriter, musician, actor.