IDEAS.TED.COM

Jun 1, 2021 / Terri Cole

Angus Greig

This post is part of TED’s “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from people in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Boundaries are a process. There’s no magic pill that ensures a perfect execution — but the tools and scripts that follow will help you create a foundation to build on.

As you try them out, keep the words that work for you, practice them and open your mind to the vast options for responding mindfully, constructively and truthfully. The more integrated the words become, the less you’ll have to think. Truth will come out of your mouth with ease (and maybe even speed). Eventually you’ll find that sweet spot of healthy assertiveness — not too passive and not too aggressive.

Especially in the beginning, give yourself permission to set boundaries messily, badly or while sweating profusely. What matters most is that you do it.

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Script #1: What to say when someone asks you something you’re just not sure about

As you start to flex your boundary muscles, pause to take stock of what you truly desire, especially if you’re prone to auto-accommodating and over-functioning. It can often be helpful to buy yourself more time to assess the situation and figure out specifically what you want.

Here are a few ways to do that:

● “I need a minute to regroup. Can we pick this up in a half hour?”
● “Can we chat about this later today, after I’ve had more time to think about it?” Once you’ve reflected, you can serve up a clear, charge-free “no”, depending on the context.
● To a friend who wants you to go to a dinner that sounds shoot-me-now painful: “I’m going to say no to dinner, but I’d love to catch up another time.”
● To the colleague who wants you to help with a project that’s beyond the scope of your specialty, interest or duty: “I can’t, unfortunately. But once I finish up my current deadline, I’ll circle back to see if there’s a way I can support you.”

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You don’t owe anyone your personal information, especially not to satisfy their curiosity.

Script #2: What to say to deflect nosy questions

Often, my clients and students believe that they owe other people explanations and answers about anything and everything. In reality, you’re under no obligation to respond to nosy questions, even if they’re not overtly offensive. You don’t owe anyone your personal information, especially not to satisfy their curiosity.

Here are a few ways to sidestep nosy questions:

● To someone who asks how much money you make: “Trust me, not even close to what I’m worth.”
● To someone who asks about your love life: “I’d rather not discuss it right now. When I have news to share, I’ll let you know.”
● To a colleague who asks what you plan to do with your day off: “That’s why they call it a personal day!” or “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

If the person persists, repeat your stock answer. Depending on the relationship and level of aggression, you can add, “And that’s all I have to say.”

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Script #3: What to say when someone is giving you unsolicited advice

If you want to share news or a personal dilemma with a friend, relative or colleague who is often quick to give you their opinion, you can set them up for success by starting with a qualifier, such as:

● “I have a situation I want to share with you. Can you just listen with compassion, please?”
● “I want to share what is going on for me and I ask that you simply listen without offering advice or criticism. I’d really appreciate that.”

If you forget to use one of those qualifiers or worry that they’re too confrontational, you can still halt their auto-advice — ‘cause you know it’s coming — with:

● “At the moment, I’m not looking for feedback. I would love it if you could just lend a compassionate ear.”

And in relationships — especially long-standing ones where the other party has a well-established fixer role — you might want to offer more context about what you’re striving for:

● “I love that you are always game to help me out. What I’d appreciate right now is for you to listen and have faith I’ll come to the answer on my own.”

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Do not allow anyone to use their so-called “truth” as a stick to beat you with. Your truth is the one that matters most.

Script #4: What to say when someone is judgmental or critical of you

Veiled criticism can be worded in a way that sounds helpful or caring, but if your body wisdom starts to pipe up, you know that their judgment is crossing a line. When a friend, family member or coworker makes a rude comment and then says, “I’m just being honest,” you may feel inclined to accept their words, even though they make you feel bad.

I say: Don’t.

Someone who gives you genuinely constructive criticism is actually rooting for you — they care about you, and they’re initiating a hard conversation to clue you in to something important. If you respect this person and know them to be genuine, you will likely be open to their feedback.

But comments about how you wore the wrong dress or how bad your hair looks? Not constructive. The next time someone tells you how unflattering your jeans are or reminds you of a less-than-stellar track record in love, you can say:

● “I don’t recall asking you.”
● “What you call ‘honesty’, I call you ‘giving me your unsolicited opinion and criticism’. Please don’t.”

If you are in a relationship with someone who hides behind the “just being honest” shield, don’t put yourself in the line of fire. For example, if your super-negative friend says, “You got your hair cut,” do not open the door for her to give you an insult by asking her, “Do you like it?” You can simply reply, “Yes, I did.”

Do not allow anyone to use their so-called “truth” as a stick to beat you with. When it comes to your life, your truth is the one that matters most.

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Script #5: What to say when a line has been crossed

The number-one challenge I see with my clients and students is uncertainty about how to tell someone that they’ve crossed a line. Often, if you can open up a conversation, the rest will flow. Quickly alerting the other person to your feelings, concerns, or objections can stop an easily corrected misstep or misunderstanding from turning into something more.

Here are some basic conversation starters that will help you get the ball rolling:

● “I thought you should know . . .”
● “I wanted to bring something to your attention. The other day, I felt uncomfortable when . . .”
● “I need to share my experience of what went down, because I’d like you to understand how I feel and where I am coming from . . .”
● “I want you to be aware of my feelings about what happened . . .”

One of my go-to formulas that I have been using and teaching for many years, for expressing when a boundary has been violated, is a four-part nonviolent communication process. It was originated by Marshall B. Rosenberg PhD in his seminal book by the same name.

Here’s a quick summary:

“When I see/experience ______________, I feel ______________ because my need for ______________ is not met. Would you be willing to ______________?”

This process is effective because you’re not calling names or making judgments. You are helping the other party understand how you feel and communicating the specific action that will alleviate your upset. As with all of these  scripts or suggestions, you can use this framework and make it your own.

Excerpted from the new book Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free by Terri Cole. Copyright © 2021 Terri Cole. Published by Sounds True in April 2021. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, a global empowerment and relationship expert, and the author of the book, Boundary Boss: The Essential Gide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free.

I was kindly gifted Time To Talk: How Men Think About Love, Belonging and Connection from Maddie Dunne-Kirby at Wellbeck Publishing Group for an honest review. Thank you, Maddie.

Released in April 2021, Time To Talk is available on Amazon

Blurb

We live in a super-connected world, yet men specifically, struggle to connect and share. This is changing… but not quickly enough. Award-winning podcaster Alex Holmes sets out to accelerate this shift, debunking lingering myths around masculinity, love and connection by exploring what causes this sense of loneliness.

Starting with ‘Real Man Myths’ and features designed to encourage us to open up and share, Alex motivates us to move from:

• Ignoring to Acknowledging.
• Being Closed to Opening Up.
• Can’t to Can.
• Avoiding to Embracing.
• Expecting to Accepting. 

Sharing his experiences on his podcast and as a young British black man, Time to Talk is a love letter to all the men who have lost their way and to the women that love them.

About the Author

Alex Holmes is an award-winning podcaster and writer from London. He has been hosting and producing podcasts since 2016 including What Matters with Alex Reads, now named Time to Talk, and Mostly Lit, which was named by the Guardian and the BBC as one of the top podcasts of 2017 and won the Best British Podcast award at the 2018 British Book Awards. He now hosts the Time to Talk podcast, which focuses on mental health.

My Thoughts

We can be talking heads at times, just show up, chat and not get down to the meat of the subject. While this type of conversation is essential to everyday life, to live an authentic life you have to be open with your emotions. By taking the conversation down to the next level, past the surface, you can learn more about others and yourself.

Men are often raised being told to not cry, or show emotion, don’t get depressed, basically, men have been told to suck it up and this had caused a major mental health crisis as they walk into the world with these unrealistic and unhealthy goals.

Alex was traveling down the path of life when two major events rocked his emotional state. One was the suicide of an acquaintance and the second the London Riots of 2011. Emotions flooded and many emotions turned to anger and anger started to flow over. Alex knew it was time for a major change in his life. A change in how he looked at his life and how he fits in it

These events sent Alex down the road of self-discovery, he sought out well-known writers, religious thinkers, psychologists,s and many other diverse types of thinkers to uncover who he really was.

Alex sets out to debunk the myth’s that most men are raised by. Today Alex has an award-winning podcast, Time To Talk where he tackles everyday topics with his guest in a safe environment to be open with themselves on what may be holding them back in life.

Time to Talk by Alex Holmes is a great read, one I would recommend to anyone on a self-journey or just interested in where the road may take you.

Welbeck Publishing Group

Welbeck Publishing Group is an exciting, fast-growing independent publisher based in London, dedicated to publishing only the very best and most commercial books spanning a number of genres and categories, from leading authors and well-known brands to debut talent. We live for books that entertain, excite and enhance the lives of readers around the world.

From building our boutique fiction and narrative non-fiction lists to shaping our world-renowned illustrated reference, gift and children’s titles, our aim is to be a market-leader in every category in which we publish.  Our books and products come to life for adults, children, and families in 30 languages in more than 60 countries around the world, selling through a variety of traditional and non-traditional channels. We are constantly looking for new ways to deliver our exceptional content and new ideas to inspire readers and listeners everywhere.

www.welbeckpublishing.com

I’m so glad you are enjoying the book reviews. I’ve had the great pleasure to hear from three authors with great feedback on my reviews. I take that my skills are improving. Have a stack of six more books to read so stay posted for all genres of book reviews.

Do yourself a favor and go buy Time To Talk by Alex Holmes and break down your barriers in your life.

Have a great day.

Melinda

My Hubby and I have an ongoing ‘argument’ about who has to die first…. I know — morbid, right? Actually, we each say we have to be the first to go, because we don’t want to have to live without the other one. Unfortunately, statistics aren’t on my side for winning that argument… Did you […]

June Is international Men’s Health Month — Reclaiming HOPE

I know it may be hard to think about an upside during a pandemic but for me, there is a silver lining. My husband has been working from home since March 2020. This has created a huge ripple effect on both of us.  

We were not the type of couple who talked on the phone or emailed during the day, if anything it was an “I’m on the way home” call. Now we communicate during the day in real-time instead of at end of a long workday, and a stressful commute. 

There’s also a practical side to not commuting, spending less on dry cleaning, gasoline, wear and tear on the vehicle, and the insurance company offered rebates since people were driving less. 

 

 

We adopted a puppy, Jet, and are able to potty train together, a big relief. He can also walk both dogs at lunch every day and several days a week we go to the park for 20 minutes to walk the dogs instead of his commute time.

We cook together, which has made cooking more fun, less stressful, and we eat earlier since there is no commute time and which is better for your digestion. 

He’s home for coffee and breakfast, no fast food which is much better for his health, we have lunch together every day, and most days we go to the drive-thru at Starbucks for a mid-afternoon break and take the dogs with us. Fun for everyone. 

Him being home and us spending so much time together has given us insight into what life in retirement looks like and we’ve learned we’re still friends and love each other.

His schedule now allows him to run errands on Friday, he takes a long lunch, which frees up Saturdays. Less to do on Saturday means being able to do something for himself like go to Golf Course, honey do’s or just relax. 

Have you given thought to what your upside is?

Melinda

I guess as we all age we look at our life and can compare how our life is like or different than our parents. For me, I was raised for the most part by my grandparents and my granny was my mother.

This post is more about my life becoming more like my granny’s everyday.

Granny was legally blind and was not able to drive, she spent her entire life asking others to help get her to where she needed or my gramps took her once they were married.

You would look at my life and not see the similarities on the surface but they are growing into one. I have early onset Dementia caused by Lyme Disease and it continues to progress. Over the past few year the parameter I can drive gets smaller and smaller. That’s if my husband let’s me drive.

The other similarity in our lives is my granny had Dementia too, brought on by two strokes. She didn’t know much after the second stroke and was very withdraw and self-harming.

I look back at growing up and my gramps did all the grocery shopping and errands, sometimes granny would sit in the car but most of the time she stayed home. Before her strokes she worked cleaning houses but her life was still small in the number of people she knew and experiences she had.

She cleaned house, did most of the cooking and kept up with the family via phone.

I look at my life today and my husband does all the grocery shopping and errands, sometimes I wait in the car. My life is very small, since we have no family here my interactions are with doctors and the people at Starbucks.

I never asked my granny if she would have changed her life, if she wished she could drive, did she want more for herself?

When I ask myself those questions the answers are yes, absolutely.

Melinda

Jessica Owen from Cherish Editions kindly gifted me Where Do We Go From Here? by Bethany Hacker for an honest review. Thank you, Jessica. 

Release Date June 10th, 2021

You will find Bethany’s book at Amazon and Cherish Editions.

Blurb

Where Do We Go From Here tells the true story of what life is like in a psychiatric hospital? From the good to the bad and the ugly, every bit of life in the hospital is exposed. The book acknowledges how easy it can be to go down the rabbit hotel of depression, whilst also providing the reader with hope and the knowledge that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. In this deeply absorbing memoir, Bethany Hacker shares a slightly humorous look into the brain of a normal girl with a lot of trouble going on inside of it.

About The Author

Bethany was born in Italy to American parents who worked as teachers on a US military base. She spent her developmental years there and ended up moving to the US for University where she studied Political Science. After deciding that Europe felt more like home, she moved back to Italy and onward to the UK where she was treated for various mental health issues. She currently works at a charity helping families with children in hospitals while trying to gain skills to eventually become a therapist to help others cope with any kind of mental illness.

My Thoughts

“Where do you go when you’ve lost hope? When there’s no end in sight? How do you pick yourself up when you can’t get out of bed in the morning? 

Where Do We Go From Here? is the perfect book to help family members understand where you go and what’s it’s like when you’re in the hospital. It will help others better understand what it takes to get on level ground and there are no quick fixes. I think it will help open lines of communication and bring more understanding.

Cherish Editions

Cherish Editions is the self-publishing division of Trigger Publishing, the UK’s leading independent mental health and wellbeing publisher.

We are experienced in creating and selling positive, responsible, important and inspirational books, which work to de-stigmatise the issues around mental health, as well as helping people who read them to maintain and improve their mental health and wellbeing. By choosing to publish through Cherish Editions, you will get the expertise of the dedicated Trigger Team at every step of the process.

We are proud of what we do, and passionate about the books that we publish. We want to do the very best for you and your book, holding your hand every step of the way.

What makes us different?

Visit About us to find out more.

Where Do We Go From Here? is a must-read and a great book to help friends and family understand what daily life is like when you’re in a Psychiatric Hospital. I think it will open communication and bring a new understanding.

Once you’ve read, be sure to tell me what you think. 

Melinda

This is a previous post I feel is important to shine a light on for Mental Health Awareness Month.

Some states like Colorado have what’s called a Red Gun Law. It basically allows someone who is concerned that a person may harm themselves or others to go before a judge and if warranted, have their weapons taken away for 30 days. This type of law could save many lives, in that 30 days, you might be able to get your loved one or friend the help they so desperately need.

5/30/21

Melinda

My father committed suicide in 1992 after a long struggle with mental illness, he was 52 years old. This post isn’t about how to prevent suicide, or that it’s preventable, this post is about what is left behind after a person commits suicide.

September is Suicide Prevention Month and I’ve struggled with what to write. I do believe strongly that as a society we have to talk about suicide. As much as I advocate for everything I believe in suicide is something so personal to me that it’s different. It’s not the stigma, I don’t care what anyone thinks about my father’s death. It’s that in order to prevent suicide you have to start so far in advance of the person wanting to commit suicide.

My father abused me and we were estranged from the time I was a teenager. When I lived with my father I knew he was emotionally unstable but I was a kid and had my own problems. After 14 years my father calls me and starts talking about suicide. About how he can’t work, how he doesn’t have any money, and on and on.

The daughter and human in me responded, I was heartbroken, in shock, felt responsible and started paying his bills, sending him money and we talked all the time. He constantly talked about people bugging his phone, and people following him. I didn’t realize at the time my father was delusional.

I continued to beg him every time we talked to not kill himself, to think about my granny, his mother who would be devastated. I talked and pleaded for months. Begged him to go to the doctor. I did what I could.

I got a call late one Sunday saying “your father did away with himself” from my gramps. I was in such shock I called right back and asked was he dead or on the way to the hospital. No, he’s dead.

Here are a few things I learned after my father died.

He had been in a downward spiral for years by looking at his living conditions. He had boxes and boxes of cassette tapes by his bed, recordings he had made. I remember him talking about someone bugging his phone so I listened to every one of those tapes several times. There was nothing on most of them, some were recordings of my father talking on the phone. Some were just noise or his breathing. My father was delusional.

I could go on and on but there are a few takeaways.

One of the most difficult things you have to deal with in a suicide death is a closed casket funeral. You can’t see their face and say goodbye so there is an unmet emotional void that never goes away.

I did everything within my power, my dad was a grown man. A man with his own free will. I could not make him go to the doctor for help. There wasn’t a Gun Law in Texas where you could call the police and they would come out to take away a gun. There may not be one now.

I felt unbearable guilt, the pressure of the weight of thinking I could have prevented my granny’s pain was so much I drank myself crazy.

What I did learn from his death as we had the same mental illness, Bipolar Disorder, and was 75% more likely to commit suicide because my father had. I took that information and I found the best Psychiatrist I could. He is still my doctor today and has saved my life many times.

You can’t stop someone from killing themselves if they are determined. They will find a way now or later.

What we can do is look for signs early in life and during a crisis to see if a person needs help and guide them in that direction. If you’re a parent you have much more control when your child is younger.

The key to preventing suicide is to bring all the emotional damage to the surface to be dealt with and treat mental illnesses in a responsible manner the best we can. I will also add that if you’re inclined you can push for laws that allow the police to be called and for them to take the gun away for some period of time. Each state is different. You can also push for stronger gun laws if that is your wish.

Melinda

 

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I have a couple more days to share with you the struggles I’ve been thru with my Bipolar Disorder.

I wrote this post in 2016 during a very low time and was going thru withdrawal because I took too many pills and ran out a week before I could get a refill. My doctor would normally have been able to call in the needed medication but he was out of touch on vacation. I was flying solo, with my husband having to watch his wife fall to pieces in front of him and he could do nothing.

There will be many times when what I’m saying makes no sense. It’s quite painful to read this post today.

Please keep your medication in check and if that means you have to count them or have someone count them for you, that’s what you need to do.

5/29/21

Melinda

I HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER

MY MENTAL HEALTH IS TIED TOGETHER WITH MULTIPLE MEDICATIONS, THREE OF WHICH I’M ADDICTED TO.  MY STRUGGLE WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER IS BALANCED OUT ON A FOUNDATION BUILT ON XANAX. I AM ADDICTED TO THREE OF THE DRUGS WITH XANAX BEING THE NASTIEST TO WITHDRAW FROM. LYME DIEASE HAS TAKEN MY MEMORY AND I TOOK TO MANY XANAX BEFORE THE NEXT REFILL. IT’S A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE IN TEXAS WHICH MEANS ONLY YOUR DOCTOR CAN APPROVE EVEN ONE PILL BEFORE REFILL. MY DOCTOR WAS ON VACATION AND I WAS BATTLING THE BEAST WITHIN. 

I’m  on the mend, just not well enough to write a post about my journey. Thanks to everyone who has reached out to me. I was able to battle things out at home, there was a point when the questions came up, was it time to go to hospital.

Below are a few comments I’ve made while piecing myself back together. They are not entertaining, quite disgusting actually but IT’S REAL. I have Treatment Resistant Bipolar Disorder with Xanax as the anchor drug.

I’ve lived thru what doctors or instructions may mention about withdrawal. IF you were not aware of what Xanax withdraw looks like, FIRST look in the mirror. It’s the patients responsibility to participate with treatment. One critical way is being aware of every angle, good, bad, nasty, uncomfortable, make you beat yourself against the wall, wailing in pain……..I feel like my worst sins have beaten me with a bat bat 24/7 for a week.

I hope one person can read the babbling and come out with something to help themselves, their children, their husband, their wife, a family member, the homeless person on your corner.

I would not spread my guts out if I didn’t believe one person could use my experience. One commitment I made when starting my blog, when it’s ugly I will fly the flag high for anyone who wants to read. If you can’t handle the language, don’t enter the post.

I’m lost without the community. My body will heal up in a few days/a week.

Xx  M

ME:I just read your post about the increase in meds, yes it is scary as hell every time and that’s a gauge you don’t want to lose, it just doesn’t mean an auto NO. You are getting better at trusting, which essential to living with mental illness. Remember, it’s an illness not who you are. Think hard about the increase, what you told the doc, why he believes you need and increase based on what you’ve told him and then you can settle into, ok I’m not taking BECAUSE/I’m taking AND Committing to HOW MANY DAYS/WEEKS TO SEE A CHANGE. IF you are not 100% committed/UNLESS severe side effects/ If committed you have to be willing to go thru the adjustment your body WILL go thru. DOD you know what to look for? How long? When to go to hospital? CRITICAL questions if YOU ARE Taking.

ME: IF NOT TAKING, you can’t sit and wait until next appointment. You have to be able to articulate to doctor WHY you are not going to take. Give the doctor a chance to clear up any questions or misunderstandings. Then If you still are not going to take, no prob. ARE YOU ready to jump off that drug completely, possible some withdraw depending how long taking.OR ARE you willing to keep taking the amount of that drug and take what he suggest next which should address WHY your NOT taking the increased dose.

ME: It SUCKS, it’s a bitch, asshole any name you can think of BUT you have a mental illness, YOU said YOU were going to participate in getting your life on the rails as much as possible no matter how long it takes.
Sorry honey, the facts.

ME: Below is the HELL I’ve been in. You will recognize some of the symptoms because you have not had them in control, even though in HELL you can see WHAT the next level of hell is. This is why you can’t fuck with your meds. This is what happens in various degrees.

ME: I’m exhausted and back to bed for my whole body to rest. Please print out this whole comments, when you are starting to get anxious look at. Xanax is an excellent anti-anxiety med, highly additive and will beat the shit out of you if you fuck with it. That may help you get more in tune with body so you pick up the signals sooner. :)

ME: you are an awesome Christian Sister. The passage brought a tear. At a time when physically I’m all alone, now more than anytime I know there are friends in Christ who are there. Praying for me is a bonus. God brings people down a path, we have no idea what his perfect hands are doing, we’re going about our business. You/I/everyone crosses paths, sometimes they are the path God laid out, that intersection will bring two people together if/when God see’s a need. That is why we crossed paths, and for many others reasons we learn from each other. The last thing on my mind is a blog/my blog/your blog/survivors blog. I’m still putting the pieces of my brain back together. The rest we know is not essential and down on the want pole. Thank you for thinking of survivors, quite possibly a decision I make/or not will have a huge impact. I have to figure out if I’m ready and everyone else is aware and who’s on the boat. Keep you posted as I take another step. Day One 3:30 pm CST

ME: an older message said moving at nano speed, NOT unless nano backward is such at thing. Very small steps, my body is better to a pulp from me throwing myself around the bathroom during the three worst days with the beast inside. When you have a mental illness you need medication to function, if the balance is off tiny amount no prob. If you see saw is up in air and down on ground there’s a huge problem. That’s where I’ve been. Lyme has taken my memory, without knowing I took to many Xanax which I require but when you take to many before a refill, it’s hell. When a drug is classified a Controlled Substance, created to slow down addiction in America, only your doctor can approve even one pill. My Doc is half- retired and this past Friday was the absolute earliest it could be filled without my Doc phoning the pharmacy. Withdraw on Xanax which I’ve taken for 15 years is starts to get nasty after 2-3 days. From there it’s straight to hell in a blink of an eye! I learned one thing thru this, exactly what Controlled Substance means.
I’m sure you will file in your huge memory bank should you ever need. I’m off to take photos of what it looks like on paper when I come unwound.

ME: I’ve have seen bad and I’ve seen heaven. UTSW Psychiatric Hospital is where I go to have ECT Treatments to dig me out from under the boulder. It’s a truly welcome sight. I’ve learned all of the above and once I saw how a good/great caring facility takes care to get you on your feet so you and your support team can help while you and doctor work on getting me stable. I almost went there Wednesday night, a medical hospital can’t give me what I needed fast enough. I was near the bottom of the meanest beast, myself, going thru an unintentional need to withdraw. When my husband heard me wailing out of control, banging myself around the bathroom, battered and helpless except to let the beast keep kicking me. He said were going, we didn’t but he thought medical hospital and I knew it was to see my caregivers at UTSW Dallas. Today is Day One, I’m home by myself and although slow I’ve made it thru half a day. I would never hesitate to get in car to go straight there, I’ve been there 20 times.:)