Below are some facts on traumatized kids: 1. Traumatized kids don’t mean to push your buttons. Neither do they mean to be challenging. They are usually feeling tense, anxious, stressed and afraid. They also feel unsafe and out of control. In addition, they’re afraid to trust, they don’t know who to trust, and they wonder […]
Understanding Kids who’ve Experienced Trauma — Don’t Lose Hope
According to the Levi Strauss website, this was the day that Levi Strauss and Jacob Davis, the innovators behind the sturdy blue jeans we all love, got a patent on the process of adding metal rivets to men’s denim work pants for the first time in history. The pants were called waist overalls until 1960 when baby boomers began calling them jeans.
The bottles of bubbly are estimated to have been traveling from Germany to Russia during the 1800s when they sank to the bottom of the sea, says New Scientist. Turns out that the bottom of the sea, where temps are between two and four degrees Celsius, is a great place for wine aging. Oenologists, people who study wine and winemaking, sampled the champagne and described it as, “sometimes cheesy,” with “animal notes,” and that it had elements of “wet hair.”
At the start of any movie made by the Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer studio, there’s the iconic lion that roars at the audience. While MGM has gone through several iterations of lion mascots, the sound of the roar is always the same. The company trademarked the “sound mark” with the United States Patent and Trademark Office in the ’80s.
The lucky buyer, John Reznikoff, holds the Guinness World Record for the largest collection of hair from historical celebrities, reports NBC. The not-so-lucky barber Marx Sizemore, who cut Armstrong’s hair, received threats of being sued by Armstrong’s lawyers who said he violated an Ohio law that protects the rights of famous people. Sizemore said he wouldn’t pay, and Reznikoff said he wouldn’t give back the hair but that he’d donate $3,000 to charity.
You might associate St. Patrick’s Day with wearing green and drinking so much you think you actually see leprechauns. However, until 1961, there were laws in Ireland that banned bars to be open on March 17. Since the holiday falls during the period of Lent in the heavily Catholic country, the idea of binge drinking seemed a bit immoral.
Tesla was a European electrical engineer who paved the way for current system generators and motors. The way electricity gets transmitted and converted to mechanical power is thanks to his inventions. However, despite experimenting with electricity, he despised being in the presence of pearls. One day when his secretary wore pearl jewelry, he made her go home.
Thanks to Edison’s invention of the Kinetograph in 1892, he was able to record and watch moving images for the first time. He filmed short clips in his studio named Black Maria. Some of his shorts feature famous people like Annie Oakley and Buffalo Bill, but the real stars are The Boxing Cats. Check out the video Edison captured of adorable cats in a boxing ring circa 1894.
During Pitt’s prime acting career, he filmed Troy, based on Homer’s Illiad. He played the brave, and buff, Greek hero Achilles. Legend has it that Achilles could not be defeated unless hit in his Achilles heel. While filming an epic battle scene, Pitt ironically hurt his Achilles tendon that put him back two months.
Based on an ancient papyrus document, Egyptian women urinated on wheat and barley seeds to determine if they were pregnant or not, according to the Office of History in the National Institutes of Health. If wheat grew, it predicted a female baby. If barley grew, it predicted a male baby. The woman was not pregnant if nothing grew. Experimenting with this seed theory in 1963 proved it was accurate 70 percent of the time.
Everyone remembers Dr. King as a leader of the Civil Rights Movement and often quotes his “I Have a Dream” speech that he delivered in 1963. However, over a decade before his legendary speech, while attending Crozer Theological Seminary in Pennsylvania, he earned a C in public speaking during his first and second term.
So glad you are enjoying these post, I love hearing your hilarious comments.
Have a great weekend.
Melinda
I came home from the hospital after just one night, in 2017 they kept me in for three nights when I had my right knee replaced. One day seems too fast but by yesterday I started to see some of the logic. Aside from insurance saving money, the key to a good rehab is moving your knee a lot!
Yesterday the Physical Therapist came and gave me a great report. The ultimate goal of PT is to get your knee to bend backward 100-110%, I did 90% in my first session. He said all the walking up and down the stairs has made all the difference. I learned so much with the last surgery and knew pushing yourself to start walking and getting up the stairs was critical.
Thank you for all the kind words and prayers sent this past week. I received every one of them and my good report from the Physical Therapist shows how much support I have from up above and all around me.
Melinda
I wanted to share my painful two-year journey with you in hopes some of you will have the same problem and be a blessing to get treatment like I did.
Everyone’s migraine story is different. I had maybe a half dozen migraines when out of the blue they hit me like a hammer. First, it was one to two days a week and not completely debilitating. After a very short period of time, they escalated to four or five a week and did start to impact my life.
My doctor had me take Beta-Blockers at first to help, boy that was terrible. My blog pressure got so low, that I could hardly lift my arms and legs and was having trouble driving. He changed me to a different type of preventative medication and gave me a full supply of Sumatratophan injections.
I was at the height of my career and daily migraines were dramatically impacting my ability to keep my client appointments, I had to often reschedule meetings. It took a good hour after injection to get back on the road to pick up with my day.
This nightmare went on for two years, I don’t know how I stayed sane and kept my job. Let alone remain a top performer at my company.
During a follow-up appointment, my doctor said he’s just read an article on the plane about how your Sinuses can cause migraines. He referred me to an Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor and I found my answer. I had a Deviated Septum which was pressing on the nerves and causing the migraines. A simple day surgery corrected the problem and I’ve had very few since then.
This is just a note about nose surgery. I don’t know how they do it today since my migraines were during the ’90s. My doctor did not believe in packing the nose. Basically, I had to use these long Q-tips and put Vaseline way back in my nose several times a day. This is my preferred method.
Please forgive me if this doesn’t flow very well, I wrote this the day after returning home from the hospital and my mind wasn’t so clear. I hope you all make sense to you.
Melinda
It’s Friday!
So glad you are here today and I enjoy all your comments.
I’m home a doing ok, well, in extreme pain but alive and healing up quickly. I have the greatest doctor who can do a knee replacement without cutting the muscles. I don’t know how he does it, I haven’t watched my video yet.
I hope you have a great weekend with friends and family making memories that will last a lifetime.
Melinda
Mental health and your overall psychological stability are two things that absolutely MUST be looked after every single day of the week. Sure, if you’ve never really dealt with mental blows before, then you could probably handle plenty of things that come your way. The majority of people have had to deal with plenty of worries and troubles in the past, however, so mental health will also be a priority.
One of the great things about the human brain is that it can be helped out with the right kind of work and the right kind of training. Mental illnesses and traumatic experiences can act as huge barricades for people wanting a calmer and more peaceful life upstairs, but they can be overcome. Here are just a few ways every single person on the planet can keep themselves in the right place mentally:
A lot of worry and anxiety comes from the fact that we don’t know where we’re heading. We begin to panic because we have lots of different thoughts, ideas, and errands going off in our heads with no plan of when to do them. This becomes incessant and constant if not dealt with. A plan can remedy it very nicely. If you’re not one for bullet journaling, perhaps you could take it up. It’s really quite satisfying to complete.
Life is very difficult at the worst of times. It can be quite challenging at the best of times, too. If you’re finding things to be a little too much, then you should always go to someone and talk to them about it all. People close to you will want to support a friend and see you become the best version of yourself. Keeping things bottled up will not help anyone out at all. You feel a release of pressure whenever you talk about things going on in your life.
You need to have experiences in your life that take you away from issues going on in your life. If you can remove yourself from problems, then you’re only going to be helping yourself out. So, whether that means making stuffed chicken in the kitchen, baking different kinds of cakes, painting, writing, or anything remotely cathartic, it’s worth considering. Allow yourself this kind of tension reliever.
Whenever you’re having quite a rough day, a good workout can make negativity disappear for a while. It won’t remove all problems, but it’ll put you in a good place to attack the problems you have. There are so many mental health benefits to exercising and putting your body through this kind of challenge. Getting into this routine would help you out immensely.
It’s so easy to focus on bad things – especially when you’ve not been in a great place for a while. Positive thinking will change your life for the better, though. A lot of people feel it’s delusional, but it doesn’t matter. When you think positive thoughts, you attract positive outcomes and positive people.
This is a collaborative post.
Melinda
The United States was known for developing a concept called “The American Dream,” the idea that anyone can be successful if they put in the effort. While there are different speculations about the notion of the American Dream still being a thing, it is what contemporary America was built on.
But maybe — could it be ever so possible — the American Dream is harder, or even much harder, for some to reach? What about those who grew up in poverty that has lasted for generations? Sure, the cycle can be broken, but that is no trivial task. How about those, in correlation with poverty, suffer from a piece of knowledge or — in this day and age — a digital divide? Another population to consider is that of individuals who suffer from disabilities. More is to be said on that momentarily.
Like many things in life, the way an individual lives the entirety of their life is contingent upon their foundation. In this context, a foundation of poverty, financial illiteracy, and a lack of resources are much more likely to lead to failure in the context of the American Dream as opposed to someone who grew up in a middle-class home. Again, that is where interpretations of the American Dream remain subjective.
Now, think about individuals — adults and children — who suffer from disabilities; think especially about them in terms of the American Dream.
The scientific community and increasing society have come to terms that disabilities take a wide variety of forms. They are not only physical and visible but also mental and invisible. Naturally, this increased understanding has led to a more voluminous DSM and more contests behind its long-held authority. Thankfully, the increased understanding has come to greatly benefit those who suffer from physical and cognitive disabilities. At the same time, we’ve recognized we were wrong on some “disabilities”; for example, homosexuality was listed as a disability for a long time.
All of this is to say that the American Dream is more difficult to obtain for people with disabilities — physical and mental. Thankfully, in the United States and many other parts of the world, there are resources for those who suffer from disabilities but are still able to be or become productive members of society. One of those resources is occupational therapy.
First thing’s first: a definition that can be agreed upon is in order. According to Merriam-Webster, occupational therapy is defined as “therapy based on engagement in meaningful activities of daily life…especially to enable or encourage participation in such activities despite impairments or limitations in physical or mental functioning.”
Some examples Merriam-Webster lists about occupational therapy include self-care skills, education or work, and social interactions.
Understood.org recognizes that starting occupational therapy as soon as possible leads to more success with it; really, the same could be said for most if not all treatments. It also recognizes that occupational therapy is more beneficial for children than adults, though the latter can certainly benefit from it. The other challenge is that while occupational therapy is provided for minors at academic institutions, adults who wish to engage in occupational therapy usually have to see a private, for-profit expert. Additionally, insurance may or may not cover occupational therapy for adults.
Occupational therapy, evidently, is not possible without a dedicated, well-trained workforce. While like any career it comes with its challenges, there are many satisfactory rewards that come from this occupation. Schools offering this graduate-level specialty are known as MOT programs or Masters in Occupational Therapy.
This should not be confused with occupational therapy assistants. While both play a crucial role in uplifting those individuals with disabilities, there are different educational and payment requirements and structures. Occupational therapy assistants need to graduate from an associate degree program at a community college; occupational therapists, on the other hand, need to complete a specialized master’s degree program from a graduate school.
Both occupational therapists and occupational therapy assistants should expect satisfactory pay and strong job growth, though there will be even more job growth for the latter than the former. The U.S. resource known as the Bureau of Labor Statistics notes that from 2019 and for a decade afterward, the projected growth rate for new occupational therapy assistant jobs should increase by 32%. Occupational therapists will still see excellent growth but only by 16%.
The key to setting yourself up for success is to take the initiative early on but later is better than never.
This is a collaborative post.
Melinda
Life sometimes throws us curve balls that we don’t see coming. That’s one of the most constant things in life: we should expect the unexpected! No matter how well we plan for our futures, things can go wrong – whether it is an illness, job changes, housing issues, or relationship shifts.
Lawyers exist for exactly the type of situation you don’t see coming. They are there to protect and represent you when you find yourself in a troubling situation of any nature.
Most people will avoid hiring a lawyer if they can help it in any way. Some reasons people don’t want a lawyer are:
There are numerous situations where hiring a lawyer is a great idea. Even if you have concerns like the ones listed above, it’s always beneficial to have a legal professional walking you through difficult times in your life.
It is beneficial to hire a lawyer if:
Lawyers seem intimidating and serious, but they are only there to help you go through tricky proceedings with ease and care.
This is a collaborative post.
Melinda
A car accident can happen to anyone. Even if you don’t drive, you could be involved in an incident due to traffic or wrongful crossing. Dealing with life after a car accident is more than physical recovery. It can affect your mental well-being and involve dealing with compensation and legal claims. If you have been involved in a car accident and wondering what the essential practices are, here’s more.
For any accident, you should use legal assistance to help you with your claim. In the case of a car accident, especially if it wasn’t your fault, you must seek legal advice to help recover your car, look over your insurance policy, and attain the compensation you deserve.
Using experts like attorneys of DiPiero Simmons McGinley & Bastress will ensure you recover efficiently from your injury and receive the legal help you need to attain the best outcome.
When using attorneys, you must ensure to ask any essential questions. No question is a silly question. They are experts in their field and will offer you the best help possible. Whatever concern or worry you have, you can talk to them about it so that they can help you resolve it.
If you are involved in a severe accident, the first step will be to get your emergency medical assistance.
If the accident is minor and leaves no physical injury, then you could remain at the scene and gather as much evidence as possible to assist your claim. Photographic evidence will help in court as well as help with the insurance. Additionally, gathering witness statements will help offer a non-biased view of what happened.
Remaining at the scene will allow you to speak to the police and report the accident as clearly as possible.
Whether or not two cars have collided or you have been hit as a pedestrian, you must exchange details with the other person involved in the car accident. This will help with your insurance claim and allow you to stay in contact throughout the recovery period.
You should take note of their name, address, license plate, and insurance policy number. The police should gather this information from everyone involved. But, it is good to note down the details yourself.
If you were involved in a car accident that involved your car, then you must contact your insurance company. They will need to be told about the accident to begin your claim.
Some advanced companies allow you to upload evidence to an app so that the claim can get rolling as soon as possible.
For those involved in an accident that involves a car, you will need to get it repaired. It can be dangerous, or illegal, to drive around in a damaged car. It can pose danger to you and others. Thus, ensure to get it repaired as soon as possible.
Before going back on the road, ensure you are physically and mentally ready.
This is a collaborative post.
Melinda
A lot of everyday tasks benefit from a combination of relaxation and focus. Driving is possibly the most obvious example of this. At a minimum, getting this balance right can help to avoid negative consequences. For example, you won’t have to file a car accident claim. At best, it can really boost your performance. With that in mind, here are three tips to help.
What this means in practice will depend on the situation. Ideally, you’ll resolve any troubling issues before you begin your task. In the real world, sadly, that’s not always going to be possible. What you can do, however, is offload them and commit to dealing with them later.
What this means in practice will depend on you. For example, you might get the most release from just speaking your thoughts into a voice recorder (most cellphones have one). Alternatively, you may prefer offloading your thoughts onto paper. This doesn’t have to mean writing. It can also mean drawing or doodling.
This may be enough to clear the mental/emotional block from your system. If it doesn’t, however, remember to commit to addressing it later.
If you want to achieve and maintain relaxed focus, then your body needs to support that. For example, you want to be comfortably full and properly hydrated. Be aware that even milder chemicals may disrupt either your relaxation or concentration. Alcohol and caffeine are obvious culprits here.
Be aware that medication (or withdrawal from medication) can also cause issues. If it does, try speaking to your doctor. They may be able to switch your medication or give advice on how to minimize the effects of withdrawal from it.
Another important point to note is that temperature can play a huge role in your ability to achieve and maintain relaxed focus. Ideally, you should control the ambient temperature to keep it pleasant. You may, however, find it useful to have a way to add extra heating/cooling where and when you need it.
The right stimulation keeps you relaxed but helps you to maintain alertness. Most tasks require you to use your eyes and hands. That leaves your ears, nose, and mouth potentially free. Audio stimulation can be massively helpful. You do, however, need to be slightly careful with it.
Firstly, spoken-word audio, including songs, can overload your brain. When you need to focus, it’s often better to stick to music without lyrics or even just ambient sounds. Secondly, you need to think about your hearing. If you listen to the audio a lot, invest in a quality pair of headphones. Ideally, use ones that go over the ear.
Stimulating your sense of smell can have a very powerful effect on your mind. One useful point to note, however, is that the effect of a scent becomes less powerful over time. This isn’t just the scent fading, it’s the brain tuning it out. You can, however, use different scents to keep your brain engaged.
Last but not least, remember the power of taste. Some foods can also help to get your brain moving. Citrus fruits and mints are often particularly good for this.
This is a collaborative post.
Melinda
Thank you so much for your heartfelt messages and prayers, I took each one to heart. I’m confident in my surgery so I wanted to send a tune that might set the mood for my Bucket List which I will think about as I’m going under. That is after my husband and my prayers.
I’ll be thinking of you, see you soon.
Bonus!!!!!
One of my favorite tunes! Rock on!
Melinda
May 28, 2021 / Sahaj Kaur Kohli
Alamy
Every one of us has mental health in the same way that every one of us has physical health. Yet despite the prevalence of mental health struggles, there is still so much stigma around them. Worldwide the leading cause of disability is depression, according to the World Health Organization, and in the US alone, nearly 1 in 5 of adults lives with a mental illness.
As a mental health therapist-in-training and the founder of Brown Girl Therapy, the largest mental health community for children of immigrants living in the West, I regularly get asked this question: “How can I support a loved one who is struggling with their mental health?” With the multiple crises we’re currently living through, it can feel like more and more people we know are currently hurting.
Maybe you’ve noticed that a friend’s behavior or demeanor has changed and you’re concerned, or a family member is opening up to you for the first time about their anxiety. I know it’s challenging to know what to say or do. Here are eight things that you can do and eight things you should not do when you’re supporting someone who is struggling with their mental health.
First, the dos:
Be curious about what your friend is struggling with and how it’s impacting them. Instead of asking yes-or-no questions, ask open-ended questions to allow them to share their experience with you — questions like “What’s going on?” or “How long have you been experiencing this?” or “How are you coping?”
When they respond, use validating statements that will help them feel heard and accepted just as they are. Many people who struggle with their mental health may often blame or judge themselves about what they’re going through; some may feel that their struggles aren’t valid because they’re all “in their head.”
Even if you can’t completely understand or relate to their feelings or experiences, you want to communicate to your loved one that they’re perfectly OK — — this can be as simple as saying “That sounds really difficult”.
Support looks different for everyone, and what you may need when you’re struggling may not be what someone else needs.
Instead of making assumptions about what would be helpful to your loved one, ask them directly: “How can I support you?” or “What would be helpful to you right now?” Remember: Support looks different for everyone, and what you may need when you’re struggling may not be what someone else needs when they’re having a hard time.
A lot of people who struggle with their mental health may find it incredibly difficult to make basic decisions or perform even seemingly small chores. Instead of using the generic phrase “I’m here if you need me,” try to be specific about what you’re offering so your friend won’t have to bear the burden of reaching out or figuring out what they need in the first place.
If you visit them, take a look around and see what they could use assistance with — like doing the dishes, weeding, vacuuming or folding laundry. If you talk to them, offer to take them to a doctor’s appointment or do a grocery or drugstore run for them; you might also consider sending them a gift card for their meals.
When a person is struggling with their mental health, every day can be full of challenges. So cheer on their accomplishments and victories. This can help affirm their feelings of agency and efficacy. This could look like thanking them for being so honest and vulnerable with you or congratulating them for going to work or for taking their dog out for regular walks.
Many people who struggle with their mental health already feel a baseline level of guilt for being a drag on other people’s time, energy and mental space.
There’s another important burden you can remove from their plate: Having to teach you about mental illness. Instead, take the time to educate yourself on what they’re going through — for example, learning more about depression, panic attacks or anxiety — so you can understand their lived experience and be aware of severe or risky behaviors or symptoms to look out for.
Today, there are so many places online to find informative, helpful content, from peer-reviewed journals and articles by mental health professionals to posts in digital communities and personal essays by people who share in your loved one’s mental-health challenges.
Many people who struggle with their mental health already feel a baseline level of guilt for being a drag on other people’s time, energy and mental space. Consistently check in (a quick text is fine) with them, keep them company when you can, and remind your friend that you love them and you’re on their side.
Not all mental health challenges or mental illnesses look the same. Some people might struggle as the result of a specific event or circumstance, while other people may be living with a chronic mental illness. If the latter is true for your loved one, don’t expect them to “get over” it as they would with a flu or broken bone.
Meet them where they are, reminding them you understand it’s something they are living with. This can take different forms depending on what they need — this could mean understanding when they cancel plans on you because they’re having a particularly tough day or adapting your plans with them to reflect what they’re able to do.
It’s important we remove the stigma from taking care of our mental health and talk about it just like we’d talk about going to a physician for a physical illness.
Don’t wait for them to bring up their struggles, or shy away from being direct with them. It’s important we remove the stigma from taking care of our mental health and talk about it in the same way we’d talk about going to a physician or taking medication for a physical illness. You might even consider opening up and being vulnerable when talking about your own mental health so instead of feeling judged, your loved one feels safe being honest with you.
Now, the don’ts:
I really want to drive one point home: Everyone experiences their mental health struggles and mental health illnesses differently. In the guise of trying to make a loved one feel better, you may be tempted to tell them “everyone deals with anxiety [or depression etc] sometimes” or bring up an acquaintance who had the same illness but benefited from a specific strategy, treatment or therapy.
Resist this temptation. Even though saying those things can be helpful in terms of normalizing their experience and making them feel less alone, they can also have the unintended effect of pressuring them to get over it or minimize what they’re feeling.
Another thing to avoid — reminding them of what they have or should be grateful for. Toxic positivity and comparison to others can reinforce the narrative that your loved one’s problems aren’t important.
Avoid using stigmatizing words like “crazy” or “cuckoo”, or saying things like “that’s so OCD” or “take a Xanax”
Be careful how you talk about mental health around your friend (and in general!). Avoid using stigmatizing words like “crazy” or “cuckoo”, or using clinical diagnoses or medications flippantly in conversation — like saying “that’s so OCD” when someone is very organized or telling someone to “take a Xanax” when you want them to calm down. Check your own assumptions surrounding mental health issues, professional mental health care and medication so you aren’t causing your loved one unnecessary pain.
People’s mental health struggles are often not linear or predictable. Maybe your friend is less talkative one day, and maybe your sister keeps rescheduling your phone dates. While you may feel hurt or offended by their actions, don’t automatically assume that they are reflections of how your loved one feels about you.
Instead, use their cues as moments to check in on them, ask what you can do to support them, and remind them that you’re here for them when and if they need.
You want to be with your loved one while they’re navigating their own struggles, not steering them or pushing them.
When you’re faced with a loved one in pain or distress, it can be really difficult not to get in the metaphorical driver’s seat and forcefully do what you think will relieve their suffering. But in doing this, you’re diminishing their sense of agency. You want to be with your loved one while they’re navigating their own struggles, not steering them or pushing them. So don’t be aggressive about what they should or shouldn’t do, and don’t give them ultimatums.
You may feel helpless when you’re helping and supporting a loved one who is struggling, and you don’t see them making progress. Just because you feel helpless doesn’t mean you can’t be helpful. Your loved one does not expect you to find them the magic solution or to be perfect; instead, they just need you to be present.
The better you take care of yourself, the better you can be of support to your loved one. Make sure to keep taking care of yourself, doing the things you love and recharging your own batteries while being there for your loved one. Be clear and direct about your boundaries, and find ways to honor what you need to do in order to be able to show up for them.
People who are struggling with their mental health are not broken, and they do not need to be fixed.
People who are struggling with their mental health are not broken, and they do not need to be fixed. By jumping in with solutions and advice when they don’t explicitly ask for it, you’re sending them the message that what they’re going through is wrong or bad when in fact you are projecting your own discomfort with what they’re going through. Realize that your impulse to dive into a fix-it mode can actually be a coping mechanism to ease and absolve your own discomfort or anxiety. Which brings me to my next point …
When we see our loved ones grappling with something difficult, chronic or hard to comprehend, it can often bring up our own difficult feelings and our own discomfort or anxiety. When this happens, it’s important not to shove that stuff under the rug. Spend time reflecting on what’s coming up for you.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself: Are you anxious because you’re scared of what’s going to happen to your loved one? Are you avoiding them because you feel helpless? Are you carrying around your own biases or stigmas around mental illness? Are you on edge because you’re resentful, burned out or just plain confused?
It’s important to get clarity on what’s coming up for you and why, so you can take care of yourself and still be there for your friend. Don’t be ashamed if you find that you could use some support or professional care. One great US-based resource is the National Alliance on Mental Illness, which hosts free support groups for people who love someone that’s struggling with their mental health.
Watch Sahaj Kaur Kohli’s TED Conversation now:
Sahaj Kaur Kohli is the founder of Brown Girl Therapy, the first and largest mental health and wellness community of its kind for children of immigrants living in the West, where she works to promote bicultural identity and destigmatize therapy. She is also currently pursuing her master’s in clinical mental health counseling. Kohli’s passion lies at the intersection of narrative storytelling and mental health advocacy. A former journalist, she is currently working on a book to be published by Penguin Life.
The time is finally here, I’m having my left knee replaced tomorrow. FUN,FUN! I’ll only be in the hospital for 2-3 days and then back home with a Home Health Nurse checking on me for two weeks. Luckily I’ve been down this road, having already had my right knee replaced in 2017. I know the long road ahead.
I had to go to the hospital today for a Covid Test, that was so easy. I’m already vaccinated so if it comes back positive I will be among the small percent of people who get it. I’m confident everything is fine and the surgery will go as planned. My Orthopedic doctor is the greatest!
Once back home I’ll check in. I won’t do my normal weekly post this week and we’ll see about next week. I will be reading comments and post once I get home.
See you on the other side as they say!
Take care.
Melinda
Jun 1, 2021 / Terri Cole
Angus Greig
This post is part of TED’s “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from people in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.
Boundaries are a process. There’s no magic pill that ensures a perfect execution — but the tools and scripts that follow will help you create a foundation to build on.
As you try them out, keep the words that work for you, practice them and open your mind to the vast options for responding mindfully, constructively and truthfully. The more integrated the words become, the less you’ll have to think. Truth will come out of your mouth with ease (and maybe even speed). Eventually you’ll find that sweet spot of healthy assertiveness — not too passive and not too aggressive.
Especially in the beginning, give yourself permission to set boundaries messily, badly or while sweating profusely. What matters most is that you do it.
As you start to flex your boundary muscles, pause to take stock of what you truly desire, especially if you’re prone to auto-accommodating and over-functioning. It can often be helpful to buy yourself more time to assess the situation and figure out specifically what you want.
Here are a few ways to do that:
● “I need a minute to regroup. Can we pick this up in a half hour?”
● “Can we chat about this later today, after I’ve had more time to think about it?” Once you’ve reflected, you can serve up a clear, charge-free “no”, depending on the context.
● To a friend who wants you to go to a dinner that sounds shoot-me-now painful: “I’m going to say no to dinner, but I’d love to catch up another time.”
● To the colleague who wants you to help with a project that’s beyond the scope of your specialty, interest or duty: “I can’t, unfortunately. But once I finish up my current deadline, I’ll circle back to see if there’s a way I can support you.”
You don’t owe anyone your personal information, especially not to satisfy their curiosity.
Often, my clients and students believe that they owe other people explanations and answers about anything and everything. In reality, you’re under no obligation to respond to nosy questions, even if they’re not overtly offensive. You don’t owe anyone your personal information, especially not to satisfy their curiosity.
Here are a few ways to sidestep nosy questions:
● To someone who asks how much money you make: “Trust me, not even close to what I’m worth.”
● To someone who asks about your love life: “I’d rather not discuss it right now. When I have news to share, I’ll let you know.”
● To a colleague who asks what you plan to do with your day off: “That’s why they call it a personal day!” or “Wouldn’t you like to know?”
If the person persists, repeat your stock answer. Depending on the relationship and level of aggression, you can add, “And that’s all I have to say.”
If you want to share news or a personal dilemma with a friend, relative or colleague who is often quick to give you their opinion, you can set them up for success by starting with a qualifier, such as:
● “I have a situation I want to share with you. Can you just listen with compassion, please?”
● “I want to share what is going on for me and I ask that you simply listen without offering advice or criticism. I’d really appreciate that.”
If you forget to use one of those qualifiers or worry that they’re too confrontational, you can still halt their auto-advice — ‘cause you know it’s coming — with:
● “At the moment, I’m not looking for feedback. I would love it if you could just lend a compassionate ear.”
And in relationships — especially long-standing ones where the other party has a well-established fixer role — you might want to offer more context about what you’re striving for:
● “I love that you are always game to help me out. What I’d appreciate right now is for you to listen and have faith I’ll come to the answer on my own.”
Do not allow anyone to use their so-called “truth” as a stick to beat you with. Your truth is the one that matters most.
Veiled criticism can be worded in a way that sounds helpful or caring, but if your body wisdom starts to pipe up, you know that their judgment is crossing a line. When a friend, family member or coworker makes a rude comment and then says, “I’m just being honest,” you may feel inclined to accept their words, even though they make you feel bad.
I say: Don’t.
Someone who gives you genuinely constructive criticism is actually rooting for you — they care about you, and they’re initiating a hard conversation to clue you in to something important. If you respect this person and know them to be genuine, you will likely be open to their feedback.
But comments about how you wore the wrong dress or how bad your hair looks? Not constructive. The next time someone tells you how unflattering your jeans are or reminds you of a less-than-stellar track record in love, you can say:
● “I don’t recall asking you.”
● “What you call ‘honesty’, I call you ‘giving me your unsolicited opinion and criticism’. Please don’t.”
If you are in a relationship with someone who hides behind the “just being honest” shield, don’t put yourself in the line of fire. For example, if your super-negative friend says, “You got your hair cut,” do not open the door for her to give you an insult by asking her, “Do you like it?” You can simply reply, “Yes, I did.”
Do not allow anyone to use their so-called “truth” as a stick to beat you with. When it comes to your life, your truth is the one that matters most.
The number-one challenge I see with my clients and students is uncertainty about how to tell someone that they’ve crossed a line. Often, if you can open up a conversation, the rest will flow. Quickly alerting the other person to your feelings, concerns, or objections can stop an easily corrected misstep or misunderstanding from turning into something more.
Here are some basic conversation starters that will help you get the ball rolling:
● “I thought you should know . . .”
● “I wanted to bring something to your attention. The other day, I felt uncomfortable when . . .”
● “I need to share my experience of what went down, because I’d like you to understand how I feel and where I am coming from . . .”
● “I want you to be aware of my feelings about what happened . . .”
One of my go-to formulas that I have been using and teaching for many years, for expressing when a boundary has been violated, is a four-part nonviolent communication process. It was originated by Marshall B. Rosenberg PhD in his seminal book by the same name.
Here’s a quick summary:
“When I see/experience ______________, I feel ______________ because my need for ______________ is not met. Would you be willing to ______________?”
This process is effective because you’re not calling names or making judgments. You are helping the other party understand how you feel and communicating the specific action that will alleviate your upset. As with all of these scripts or suggestions, you can use this framework and make it your own.
Excerpted from the new book Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free by Terri Cole. Copyright © 2021 Terri Cole. Published by Sounds True in April 2021.
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, a global empowerment and relationship expert, and the author of the book, Boundary Boss: The Essential Gide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free.
From my own experience Peppermint Essential Oil can help with headaches and nausea. Here’s what I just purchased on Amazon.
Melinda
NewFrame is an online program/course with hours of evidence-based education and skills to help you overcome your chronic pain and take control of your life.
Launching on July 1, 2021 they are having a pre-launch special.
Here’s what you’ll get:
*Price will increase to $200 AFTER launch*
As a team of physical therapists, we founded NewFrame to help those suffering from chronic pain. We recognized the day-to-day struggle that comes with living with chronic pain in many of our patients.
-Been doubted or dismissed by a doctor
-Felt like no one else understands the impact your pain has on your life
-Had to give up doing activities you love
-Spent countless hours searching for helpful things you can do yourself to help your pain
Seeing these frustrations come up time and time again, we set our sights on creating a program to help.
Our mission became to construct a helpful resource to change the lives of those living in chronic pain. Applying our own healthcare knowledge and experience was not enough, though. We’re determined to create a program with input and perspective from those actually living with pain.
And so, together with the chronic pain community, we created NewFrame.
NewFrame is an online program/course with hours of evidence-based education and skills to help you overcome your chronic pain and take control of your life.
Please check out their website to see how they can help you manage your chronic illness.
Melinda
I was kindly gifted Time To Talk: How Men Think About Love, Belonging and Connection from Maddie Dunne-Kirby at Wellbeck Publishing Group for an honest review. Thank you, Maddie.
Released in April 2021, Time To Talk is available on Amazon
We live in a super-connected world, yet men specifically, struggle to connect and share. This is changing… but not quickly enough. Award-winning podcaster Alex Holmes sets out to accelerate this shift, debunking lingering myths around masculinity, love and connection by exploring what causes this sense of loneliness.
Starting with ‘Real Man Myths’ and features designed to encourage us to open up and share, Alex motivates us to move from:
Sharing his experiences on his podcast and as a young British black man, Time to Talk is a love letter to all the men who have lost their way and to the women that love them.
Alex Holmes is an award-winning podcaster and writer from London. He has been hosting and producing podcasts since 2016 including What Matters with Alex Reads, now named Time to Talk, and Mostly Lit, which was named by the Guardian and the BBC as one of the top podcasts of 2017 and won the Best British Podcast award at the 2018 British Book Awards. He now hosts the Time to Talk podcast, which focuses on mental health.
We can be talking heads at times, just show up, chat and not get down to the meat of the subject. While this type of conversation is essential to everyday life, to live an authentic life you have to be open with your emotions. By taking the conversation down to the next level, past the surface, you can learn more about others and yourself.
Men are often raised being told to not cry, or show emotion, don’t get depressed, basically, men have been told to suck it up and this had caused a major mental health crisis as they walk into the world with these unrealistic and unhealthy goals.
Alex was traveling down the path of life when two major events rocked his emotional state. One was the suicide of an acquaintance and the second the London Riots of 2011. Emotions flooded and many emotions turned to anger and anger started to flow over. Alex knew it was time for a major change in his life. A change in how he looked at his life and how he fits in it
These events sent Alex down the road of self-discovery, he sought out well-known writers, religious thinkers, psychologists,s and many other diverse types of thinkers to uncover who he really was.
Alex sets out to debunk the myth’s that most men are raised by. Today Alex has an award-winning podcast, Time To Talk where he tackles everyday topics with his guest in a safe environment to be open with themselves on what may be holding them back in life.
Time to Talk by Alex Holmes is a great read, one I would recommend to anyone on a self-journey or just interested in where the road may take you.
I’m so glad you are enjoying the book reviews. I’ve had the great pleasure to hear from three authors with great feedback on my reviews. I take that my skills are improving. Have a stack of six more books to read so stay posted for all genres of book reviews.
Do yourself a favor and go buy Time To Talk by Alex Holmes and break down your barriers in your life.
Have a great day.
Melinda
I am having knee replacement surgery on Tuesday and will take a break from regular blogging until I’m in less pain. I’ll be back soon. I’m reading your comments so keep them coming! We both learn something every week.
People have been playing baseball since the mid 19th century. In the early games, umpires would officiate the games reclining in a rocking chair that was located 20 feet behind home plate. By 1878, the National League also declared that home teams must pay umpires $5 per game.
These fun facts really get you thinking about how far we’ve come. Taking a 23-minute flight might seem like a waste of money today, but in 1914 Abram Pheil paid $400, which would be $8,500 today, for a 23-minute long plane ride. He flew between St. Petersburg, Florida and Tampa, Florida, where only 21 miles of water separate the cities. Pheil, a former mayor of St. Petersburg, and the pilot, Tony Jannus, were the only passengers. This momentous flight paved the way for air travel as we know it.
The Tale of Genji, written by Murasaki Shikibu in the 11th century, is considered the world’s first novel. After reading 54 intricately crafted chapters, the reader is stopped abruptly mid-sentence. One translator believes the work is complete as is, but another says we’re missing a few more pages of the story.
New Zealand native Nigel Richards memorized the entire French Scrabble dictionary, which has 386,000 words, in nine weeks to earn his title. He has also won the English world Scrabble Championship three times, the U.S. national championships five times, and the U.K. Open Scrabble tournament six times. This comes 20 years after first playing Scrabble when Richards was 28 years old.
The West Midlands police in England released a recording of a woman who called 999 (the U.K. version of 911) because there were “bits on one side and none on the other,” she says in the recording. She was even more upset when the ice cream truck man did not want to give her money back.
German chemist Erich Huzenlaub invented a process of parboiling rice to keep more nutrients in the rice and lessen the cooking time. The “Huzenlaub Process” had another unexpected benefit, too: It stopped bug infestations. The quick-cook, bug-free rice was a big advantage during World War II, and Converted rice (as it was then known) was airdropped to American and British troops. After the war, the company rebranded to Uncle Ben’s Original Converted Brand Rice, named after one of the company’s best rice suppliers, and the product hit the shelves in 1947.
According to the World Atlas, an empire “is a group of nations or people that are under the rule of a powerful government or an emperor of a territory usually larger than a kingdom.” The British Empire was most powerful in the 1920s when it ruled over 23 percent of the world’s population. That equates to about 13 million square miles.
Turtles don’t have vocal cords and their ears are internal, so scientists believed that turtles were deaf and didn’t communicate through sounds. However, research has found that turtles actually communicate at an extremely low frequency that sounds like “clicks, clucks, and hoots” that can only be heard through a hydrophone (a microphone used underwater). These sounds even come from the egg before the turtle hatches. Researchers hypothesize that this helps all the turtle siblings hatch at once.
Alexander Fleming was one of those quirky scientists who accidentally made a scientific breakthrough. In 1928, the bacteriologist left a petri dish in his lab while he was on vacation only to return and find that some liquid around the mold had killed the bacteria in the dish. This became the world’s first antibiotic. But before naming it penicillin, he called it “mold juice.”
This is one of the many interesting facts that had us scratching our head. Or a dog or a miniature horse, but not by parents. William Kent, a landscape architect, invented the first stroller for the third Duke of Devonshire in 1733. By the mid 18th century, strollers were still pretty unstable, but they had handles so parents, not animals, could pull the baby behind them.
So glad you are enjoying these post, I love hearing your hilarious comments.
Have a great weekend.
Melinda
Love who you are, be who your are and enjoying life, right now in the minute! Life is too short!
Melinda
Did you know National Donut Day was started to pay tribute to Salvation Army Workers who served donuts to the military during WWI. That was news to me.
National Doughnut Day, or National Donut Day — celebrated in the United States and in some other countries, is on the first Friday of June of each year, succeeding the Doughnut event created by The Salvation Army in Chicago in 1938 to honor those of their members who served doughnuts to soldiers during World War I. The holiday celebrates the doughnut. Many American doughnut stores offer free doughnuts on National Doughnut Day.
Melinda
My Hubby and I have an ongoing ‘argument’ about who has to die first…. I know — morbid, right? Actually, we each say we have to be the first to go, because we don’t want to have to live without the other one. Unfortunately, statistics aren’t on my side for winning that argument… Did you […]
June Is international Men’s Health Month — Reclaiming HOPE
It’s Friday!
So glad you are here today and I enjoy all your comments.
This quote is so true in my own life. If I had not have said hello to David, who knows, would we be together 20 years now?
I hope you have a great weekend with friends and family making memories that will last a lifetime.
Melinda
I know it may be hard to think about an upside during a pandemic but for me, there is a silver lining. My husband has been working from home since March 2020. This has created a huge ripple effect on both of us.
We were not the type of couple who talked on the phone or emailed during the day, if anything it was an “I’m on the way home” call. Now we communicate during the day in real-time instead of at end of a long workday, and a stressful commute.
There’s also a practical side to not commuting, spending less on dry cleaning, gasoline, wear and tear on the vehicle, and the insurance company offered rebates since people were driving less.
We adopted a puppy, Jet, and are able to potty train together, a big relief. He can also walk both dogs at lunch every day and several days a week we go to the park for 20 minutes to walk the dogs instead of his commute time.
We cook together, which has made cooking more fun, less stressful, and we eat earlier since there is no commute time and which is better for your digestion.
He’s home for coffee and breakfast, no fast food which is much better for his health, we have lunch together every day, and most days we go to the drive-thru at Starbucks for a mid-afternoon break and take the dogs with us. Fun for everyone.
Him being home and us spending so much time together has given us insight into what life in retirement looks like and we’ve learned we’re still friends and love each other.
His schedule now allows him to run errands on Friday, he takes a long lunch, which frees up Saturdays. Less to do on Saturday means being able to do something for himself like go to Golf Course, honey do’s or just relax.
Have you given thought to what your upside is?
Melinda
Looking for the Light 