Are you a Survivor? Most of us have experienced trauma in our lifetime, moving forward sets your mind free and allows you back in the driver seat. There were chunks of time in my life I struggled with childhood trauma or depression left me feeling like I could not face another day. Shame from losing a job, guilt for not seeing family, another change in meds or falling into the abyss of suicidal thoughts. Sometimes we have to look back to see how far we’ve come and let the feelings of achievement soak in. The trauma of a Hacker/Cyberstalker this past month had a grip around my neck. Sleep impossible, stress, fear, lack of control, lack of understanding by family and Therapist left me feeling isolated.

I focused on examples in my life, my Granny came to mind. She experienced trauma at nine years old with the death of her father, survived as the economy slowly recovered from war, she fought until her last breath. Her and my Gramps taught me by doing, I forced myself outside to plant a flower garden while learning to walk again. Amazed at what came natural, poking for snakes, getting dirt under nails, grading the soil and working till my back hurt. I felt a deep connection to her working in the garden or watering flowers. After a few days I saw results of my hard work and realized while outside my mind quit talking.

My soul felt free, I had to stop and pat myself on the back. I would survive until the next road block. Have you taken time to give yourself credit for each step you’ve made? Today is a good day to look back to see you are moving forward.

The music this week is for the Survivor in You.

Xx M

Hang with me I need all of you! I’ve been to sick to meet par, now out of bed, training and will find out who Stalker. My WP sites are not working right, maybe  I screwed up in knee jerk after March 22, 17 Twitter attack and Stalker making it known he was on my tail.

20 yrs ago I was stalked for 6 yrs, I’m a Survivor and will not back down or lose!

I need huge favor, start rebloging everyone on site, current and past to see if have issue, it’s one hang up on both sites, personal & Survivors. I will make rounds and reblog to see if I can see a weak,link.

Any thoughts, words or direct comments on what looks not quite right leave a comment. We can win this battle together, we are or moving forward to Survive, the answer is in plain site ? Any Hacker ideas, I don’t know how, don’t want to

Arthur James Bay released Recovery, his second LP this year, it’s shines like the Red Moon. Every song pulls me in or makes me move. He’s a nice guy, still has feet on ground, not on the hamster wheel. He returned all my tweets, gave me personal message @ instead of Support. He’s thankful for the support, more importantly a second chance. I wish him great success. It’s an exciting time for British music, my ear is tuned in.  XxM

My STALKER sent a message on cell that read L/, it was time to take action. I asked if having fun yet and said I won’t be controlled! Here’s a great song for anyone who has someone on their back.

XxM

Weekend Way Back Machine with Charlie Pride

Tom Petty incapsulates everything Rock & Roll. I hadn’t seen this version, WOW.  Feel his rage, drugs, possibilities are endless.  

Breakdown  Tom Petty & Heartbreakers  12/30/1978-Winterland, San Francisco.  I’m feeling front stage today. 

Like version? How about suggestions. I always enjoy you’re thoughts & feedback.  😎M

https://youtu.be/G1cmOq9MSo

Enjoy the sunset

XxM

Have a great weekend enjoying smooth music for relaxing   M

Original post 3/2014

Everyone suffers in an abusive environment. Our house was always in chaos. An alcoholic stepfather who abused my mother and a mother who abused her daughter. There were three other children in the house who saw the abuse, heard the screams and threats. I used to think the victim was the only person with scars. At 9 years old I survived almost daily beatings by taking drugs, plenty of alcohol and trying to kill myself. It never occurred to me my brother suffered from witnessing the abuse. My brother’s scars are from seeing our stepfather beat our mother. Dragging her down the hall beating her head from side to side. Putting a knife to her throat saying he would kill her. Most of their fights ending in front of our bedrooms. We had front row seats to hell. My mother abused me, the methods escalated as I aged. I heard stories of abuse as early as six months old. I don’t think my mother was trying to kill me. She’s like the women on the news who allow their kids to die. She didn’t push my head under the water but would have crocodile tears if I drowned accidentally.

One weekend driving back from Houston we passed the exit to my mother’s house. I had strong emotions about my brother not me. I didn’t understand the emotions. It hit me like a train, my brother was not physically abused yet was still a victim of abuse. He heard his sister scream and cry while his mother threw me to the floor, hit my head on the countertop or down the hallway walls. He saw my stepfather hit me in mouth with his fist. He saw my stepfather threaten to kill my mother while holding a knife to her throat. The realization was an eye opener, I had overwhelming guilt. My brother and I never talked about it. The pain was swept under the rug. I didn’t know how he felt about the violence he saw. Neither of us knew how the violence would manifest itself in our souls. We had no idea how it would affect decisions we made as adults.

My brother holds almost all emotions inside, it doesn’t even show on his face. I don’t think he realizes how the violence shaped him as a man. He has a good relationship with my mother yet he lives with the knowledge of what his mother did and allowed. I went to live with my father at 12 years old which meant I only saw my brother a couple of times of year. On my fathers designated holidays we went to my grandparents. We drifted apart from only seeing each other a couple of times a year. After college he moved to Arlington we were both alcoholics by then. Our meetings were at drunken parties at his apartment. We quit calling each other. It took the death of my father to bring us back together. It is the only positive from my father’s death.

I developed a strong relationship with his fiancé. We talked like old girlfriends. She was at my house one night enjoying wine and chatting. I had no control over my mouth, it spilled out. I asked her if he acknowledged my abuse. She shared how much it effected him, the guilt he carries. A missing piece of the puzzle filled my heart. I thought I was invisible. We are very close, talk or e-mail very often. We live only 30 minutes apart but his travel schedule doesn’t allow much time together. A perfect example, their Christmas present are still in the closet. The difference is when we are together it’s like no time has passed. It has been very touching to get e-mails from him as I deal with my health issues. His tone is of true concern. There was a time when I didn’t think this day would come. I’m so happy. I love my brother. I love him enough to attend his wedding even though I would have to see my mother. I did not want to look back knowing I missed his wedding. I realized another level of love and what you will do for love.

M  aka Warrior