Inconsistently Yours surprised me with a nomination for the “I am part of the Word Press Family Award”.  I feel like I’ve won the Power Ball. She was the first person I met after starting my blog. She was particularly helpful answering question after question. I appreciate her honesty and killer sense of humor. She doesn’t give herself enough credit, don’t buy it, she is very smart. Check out her You Tube Channel where she peels back the layers of Personality Disorders. She introduced me to The Cut-Throat Club House Online which I am now a proud member. If you’re looking for a Blog to make you laugh, cry and most importantly offer support check out  http://inconsistlyyours.wordpress.com. Think of Blogs you’re moved by and pass along the “I am part of the WordPress Family Award”.   Congrats! to nominees of the “I am part of the Word Press Family Award”.  Shaun Gibson created the award. I will use his words to share what the award means to him and the rest of the Word Press community: “ is an award for everyone who is part of the “Word Press Family” I started this award on the basis that the Word Press Family has taken me in and showed me love and a caring side only Word Press can. The way people take a second to be nice, answer questions and keep it non competitive amazes me. I know I have been given many awards, but I wanted to leave my own legacy on here by creating my own award, as many have done before. This represents “Family” we never meet, but are there for us as family. It is my honor to start this award. Thank you”—Shaun Gibson I’m proud member of the Word Press family. Seeing the capacity to support each other is mind-blowing.  My heart smiles knowing we are capable. We are Survivors or on the road to success. I sending a Texas size hug for the nomination. Thank you for welcoming me like family by providing unconditional support. I am proud to pass along the “I am part of the WordPress Family Award” to the Blogs below. Please take a minute to check them out.  http://avictimsjournal.wordpress.com http://americanainjustica.wordpress.com http://youdonthavetosufferinsilence.wordpress.com http://sedge808.wordpress.com http://theslowheal.wordpress.com http://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com http://kelzbelzphotography.wordpress.com http://telahart.wordpress.com http://morningpageswriter.wordpress.com What you need to next: Thank the person who nominated you. Think of the great blogs you read and pass the award on.   Warrior  :)

Under the cover of darkness Nigerian Militants raid girls school kidnaping close to 300 girls. Some were able to escape yet stranded far from school. Their future is grime, girls as young as 9 years old are sold as slaves or prostitutes. For older girls the future is just as bleak. Girls as young as 12 years old will endure the horrific pain of Female Mutilation before being sold into marriage or prostitutes. International Trafficking is growing and the atrocities against young girls continue. Now is a good time to educate yourself on the complex issues. President Obama spoke out against the crime and Militants responded by kidnapping more girls. As mentioned earlier the issue is complex. This post is a high level overview of the issue. I want to do research, including responses from other countries and more specifically what President Obama has committed to. I received an e-mail yesterday from Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott on International Trafficking that I have yet to dig into. This situation has reached a tipping point for me. I will post a follow up very soon. I’m going to leave you with a quote from Amnesty International.

“MY BODY MY RIGHTS”
In many parts of the world, poverty and discrimination affect women’s ability to access education and exercise control over their own bodies. As a result, women and girls all over the world are at risk of violence, forced marriage, genital mutilation, unsafe abortions and human trafficking.    AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL

Warrior

Rosie Perez Oscar Nominated Actress has released a memoir about her road to survival with a Mentally Ill mother. I saw her on a talk show not long ago.  Rosie is open, no glossing over her past. She is a survivor. The book, Handbook for an Unpredictable Life. I found it on Amazon.

Many are focusing on Child Abuse Month and possibly making donations. CharityNavigator.com is an excellent site for information before making donations. I use this site because I don’t want my donation to be spent on management expenses. The tools are good and you can get an Expenditures Sheet to show how they use the money

I found this photo and had to laugh. I’m a survivor of abuse but still managed by meds for my Bipolar Disorder. I do what’s required to have a full life.

Warrior

I believe FGM is the most horrific form of child abuse. The article is difficult to read. If you are not familiar with the practice, I pray you’re outraged. I had no idea the practice of Female Genital Mutilation was a growing trend in the US. I found the article on NBC.com under World News with a 3/31/14 original publication date.

Horrific Taboo: Female Circumcision on the Rise in U.S.
BY ANNABEL ROBERTS AND MARIAN SMITH

When Marie was two years old, a woman in her village in Africa cut off her clitoris and labia. Now 34 and living thousands of miles away in New York, she is still suffering. “I have so many problems, with my husband, with sex, with childbirth,” she told NBC News, withholding her real name to protect her identity. “The consequences on my life are all negative, both physically and psychologically.”

The practice of Female Genital Mutilation is common across much of Africa, where it is believed to ensure sexual purity before marriage. But Marie says FGM is also “very common” in some communities in America. “The pressure to get daughters cut is great,” she said. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, at least 150,000 to 200,000 girls in the U.S. are at risk of being forced to undergo cutting. The CDC says “at risk” because there are no actual records of the practice, only estimates – and old estimates at that. Its latest data date to 1997, the year after being banned in the U.S. But citing anecdotal evidence from health professionals and frontline workers, experts who work with victims and their communities say FGM is on the rise.

“It is hard to believe this is the real number because of how much [FGM-practicing] communities are growing, especially in the last two or three years,” said Mariama Diallo, African community specialist at Sanctuary for Families, a New York-based non-profit dedicated to helping domestic violence and trafficking victims. Her organization could only extrapolate using census data when it issued a report on the growing problem last year. Immigration to the U.S. from countries in Africa quadrupled between 1990 and 2011 from 360,000 to 1.6 million according to a recent report released by New York City’s planning department. “The numbers need to be updated – but this needs funding and no one is interested,” said Dr. Nawal Nour, founder of the African Women’s Health Practice at Boston’s Brigham and Women’s Hospital.
Lack of Prosecutions

There are different degrees of FGM, the most severe form being the narrowing of the vaginal opening by repositioning the labia and stitching up the opening, sometimes leaving a hole the size of a matchstick for the passing of urine and menstrual flow. The cutting is often carried out without anesthetic on girls between infancy and the age of eight. Victims can suffer numerous physical and mental health problems: severe abdominal pain, vaginal and pelvic infections, pain during sex, complications during childbirth.

In Phoenix, Arizona, a staggering 98 percent of Somali women being treated at the Refugee Women’s Health Clinic have been circumcised, founder Dr. Crista Johnson said. She estimates the Somali community is at least 12,000-strong. Johnson has supported such victims all over the country – from Washington,D.C., to Michigan to California – and says the spike in immigration from such communities has astonished in recent years. “The number has easily quadrupled because of migration patterns,” she added.
So with such numbers, why has there only been one successful prosecution in the U.S.? “People won’t report against their families,” Marie said. Since the mutilation is usually organized by the child’s mother or grandmother and supported by the father, many cases go unreported, case workers say. “Even if there is protection from the government, it is difficult for a victim to disclose it through fear of retaliation from their family, and fear of losing their family,” she said. Still, experts believe the law is a useful deterrent. Johnson says there is a sense of resignation among the families that they must abide by U.S. laws. Nour agreed, saying: “Parents are afraid to do anything that will get them deported.”Taboo Topic

For Americans on the outside of communities where it is practiced, FGM is such an unknown that many medical workers, law enforcement and child protection officers are not informed on how to proceed when confronted with it. “This has been such a taboo topic, we [haven’t been able to] take it out from under the table. We need to make it something that can be discussed,” said Shelby Quast, senior policy adviser of Equality Now, an international women’s rights NGOI“There has to be a huge shift so that we identify this as a form of violence against girls – and not something that’s protected as a cultural and religious tradition,” she said. Support for victims is also comparatively poor in the U.S., health workers say. Nour in Boston and Johnson in Arizona run the only two clinics dedicated to supporting FGM victims in the U.S. Comparatively the U.K. – with only a fifth of the population of the U.S. – has 15 specialist clinics. British midwife Comfort, who runs one such operation, recently visited the U.S. to research American facilities.

Coming from Europe, where campaigners are making strides in turning FGM into a mainstream issue, Momoh was shocked to see “no proper coördination and hardly anywhere for girls to go for support,” she said. “The situation is well, well behind the U.K.” Campaigners say reaching out to practicing communities and educating them about the risks and consequences is critical to ending FGM.”If the police are called and told a child is at risk, what will the policeman do if he does not know what FGM is? We need to tell them about it, tell them it’s a violation,” Diallo said. “Every single professional needs to know they have an obligation: doctors, nurses, school teachers…. Everyone has to see it as their responsibility to protect children.”‘Shame and a Prison Term’

In France, which is also home to significant communities which traditionally practice FGM, experts say enforcing the law and outreach to practicing communities must go together. In stark comparison to the single American case, there have been over 100 successful prosecutions in France, with prison sentences for those found guilty of cutting or of allowing their daughters to be cut. “I don’t want my kids to undergo the same fate as me. “There, FGM is prosecuted using existing child protection laws – there is no specific anti-FGM legislation. “There was no need for a special law that would amount to pointing the finger towards immigrants,” said French lawyer Linda Weil-Curiel, who has spent years bringing cases against suspected perpetrators to court. “We had enough legal provisions in the penal code to prosecute and punish the ‘mutilation of minors,’ and the penal code is applicable to everyone on French soil, without discrimination.”She believes these prosecutions helped reduce the practice. “The large publicity in the media of the trials sent a clear message to the families: This is what you are going to get – shame and a prison term – if you do not respect the law.”

Please share your thoughts with me.

Warrior

I am heartbroken to hear about the shootings at Fort Hood yesterday. My thoughts and prayers go out to the victim’s family. Please know there are people around the world who are holding your hand. My heart breaks for the shooters family. His family is suffering for the loss of their son and the victims and family members.

I have to share a story about Fort Hood. Being one of the largest Military post, you can count on deployment at Fort Hood. A large percentage of soldiers fighting in Iraq, Afghanistan or other missions are proud to call Fort Hood home. The other side of the coin is a high percentage of deaths, brain injuries and limbs lost. When my grandfather died in 2010, I wanted to honor his Military service by having the Honor Guard attend. At the time Fort Hood had lost so many soldiers the Honor Guard could only service a 50 mile area. The funeral director told me not to expect anyone because we were out of the zone. Soldiers will always respect another soldier, they are bothers. My grandfather was 92 years old and served on the front line in WWII. Soldiers respect those who fought before them. They made an exception for my grandfather without being asked. My heart dropped when I saw two people to fold the flag and another to play Taps. I could see a tear in the soldier in front of me folding the flag. The precise manner of folding the flag, history flashed before my eyes. We are American living in freedom. When the service was over I couldn’t control myself, I ran over to them like a crying fool thanking them. Asking to please tell everyone thank you. I knew how many gave their lives for Americans freedom. Fort Hood is a post full of proud soldiers and survivors. My thoughts are with each of you.

This is a copy of the National Alliance of Mental Health newsletter. They are an advocacy group for Mental Health. I’m skeptical anytime our government is focusing on Mental Health. I feel like we get swept under the carpet. Last night the Senate passed HR 4302. Last week the US House signed the bill. The bill is now waiting for Obama’s signature.  Improving services for the mentally ill will slow the number of people falling thru the cracks. Many bills we hear the whistle blow and they disappear in to huge stacks of other bills. I write this as a person with Mental Illness nothing more. NAMI offers useful information on website and do a good job of keeping people up on the progress of bills.

***********************************************************************
Medicare Physician Payment Bill Includes Two Mental Health Provisions

Last night, the U.S. Senate passed HR 4302, the Medicare Sustainable Growth Rate (SGR) extension. The bill passed the U.S. House of Representatives last week and now goes to President Obama for his signature. HR 4302 includes two provisions that are relevant to people living with mental illness and their families.

First, the bill includes the Excellence in Mental Health Act demonstration project. This eight (8) state pilot is critical to modernizing publicly funded mental health services to align with evidence-based practices and to streamline Medicaid funding. The eight states selected will receive planning grants and Medicaid funding to provide comprehensive community-based mental health services and supports, including integrated mental health and primary care treatment. Community mental health programs participating in this program will be required to provide a broad range of services, including 24-hour mobile crisis teams, crisis stabilization services, outpatient mental health and substance use services, peer and family supports, and intensive, community-based services for veterans.

Second, HR 4302 includes authority for the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) to undertake a new pilot program for states to establish and expand “Assisted Outpatient Treatment” (AOT) programs. This program applies to individuals living with serious mental illness who are not participating in treatment and experience serious adverse consequences such as repeated hospitalizations, homelessness or incarceration. States that choose to apply for funding appropriated for this program will be required to gather outcomes data on the effectiveness of the program, including its impact on reducing negative outcomes.

HR 4302 can be accessed here. The Excellence in Mental Health Act demonstration project can be found in Section 223 and the Assisted Outpatient Treatment demonstration program in Section 224.

My father suffered from Mental Illness his entire life. When he was a teen, Doctor’s told my grandmother he was hyperactive and gave her tranquilizers. I doubt he took one pill. Estranged since I was thirteen years old, I could not look my abuser in the eye. Daddy started calling when I was 28 years old. He was delusional, talking in sentences that made no sense. I picked up he needed money, I started paying his bills. He said he was going to kill himself and kept rambling. I could not get through to him. I did not tell anyone in my family either.  He was so far gone, he could not process what I was saying.

February 22, 1992 my father took his life. I felt overwhelming guilt. Unsure how my grandmother would react for me not telling her. It’s a guilt I’ll carry to my grave. At 28 years old it was hard to feel pain and remember the past. In the note he asked me to handle arrangements. I did what I’d done for years, stuff my emotions down, act strong and get it done. There are many who inherit Mental Illness, have a relative who suffers or experienced suicide in the family who suffer in silence. Healing from child abuse is difficult, it can feel impossible when the abuser is a parent. I never told my grandparents about my father sexually abusing me.

Everyday is one step in forward motion. I was Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at 19 years old. I’ve mostly healed since my father’s death. I forgave him long ago. I hope you can take the first step and reach for support. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Melinda

Each day was a roller coaster of how he felt and how exhausted I was. I learned so much being a caregiver to my grandmother and grandfather. As the population ages, many of you will take on the responsibility. One of the most difficult changes was going from granddaughter to caregiver. Even at 92 my grandfather had a strong mind and felt he didn’t need help. I pray for strength every day.

My grandfather died in 2010 at the young age of 92 years old. I spent more time with him in 2010 year than I spent at home. I cherish the time we had together, no matter how painful. They are my memories and my life changed forever with his death. His health declined so fast that for two days I did not realize that he was dying now, not in a couple of weeks. He was at home under hospice care and would not get in the hospital bed until two days before he passed. He fell out of bed that morning, he was so weak it was difficult for me to get him back in bed. I don’t think we would have been able to talk him into moving to the hospital bed if he had not fallen. For him the bed meant death and he was still fighting. My grandfather had End Stage Kidney Disease. An emergency trip to the hospital for his AFIB is how we learned he had about two months to live. We knew his kidneys were losing function but I was not ready for a timeline. His doctor had not given me that impression on a recent visit so I asked her to review the hospital records. I was not surprised but very saddened that she agreed with the prognosis. It took a couple weeks for my grandfather to believe the doctors were right. Kidney failure is a silent killer and luckily not a painful one. You start sleeping more until you sleep yourself into a coma.

I arrived on Sunday afternoon after two days of relief and he didn’t look any different. Monday morning I knew he was out of it by the things he was saying but thought it was a bad day. Tuesday I knew he was weak when he fell out of bed and felt like dead weight. It took everything in me to get him back in bed. My grandfather died on Thursday. What the doctors did not tell me is people his age die faster, the end came weeks sooner than we thought. I’m so thankful that my grandfather and I had time together to say what we wanted to say, cry about the loss and enjoy the memories. I have no regrets.

Cleaning out the house was so hard, 46 years of memories were everywhere. My grandmother left notes on everything, it was like mourning her death as I found each note. Notes on the back of photos, on little pieces of paper, and even on masking tape. I knew all the notes were there, we had looked at them many times but it was different this time. Everything was packed up this time and the house cleared out. My grandparents raised me so I’ve lost parents, they were the best you could ever pray for.  The house is empty but I see my life in every room, the great memories with my grandparents are everywhere you look. I am starting a new chapter in my life. It’s a long journey ahead.

Xx   M

Written on 12/21/2009

I’m caring for my 92-year-old grandfather following three surgeries in seven days. I’m so tired it’s numbing, it’s impossible to think about doing it again tomorrow.  My grandfather is a man of habits driven by the time of day, maybe from his military background. One morning he was upset when the hospital had not brought his coffee and could not see he was the problem. We’re in a hospital not the Hilton. At home it was far worse. It does not matter that I have changed the sheets again this morning, changed his soiled underpants more than once and got him dressed for the day. If the coffee is not ready when he expects or I don’t have the newspaper yet, I hear about it. My grandparents raised me and I love my grandfather dearly but it’s hard to bite my tongue. I want to ask doesn’t he realize or care that I’ve been moving since 5:00 a.m. to take care of him.

At 92 he lives at home alone, still drives (very limited), buys groceries and goes to the local Senior Center several times a week to play dominos. He amazes me with each year. He is the healthiest dying person I know and in his mind he is much younger and more capable. This makes it impossible for him to understand recovery will take several more weeks at least. I catch him doing things he shouldn’t and I get the standard “I can do it”.  He also acts like a child when he doesn’t want to do something, most of the time it’s taking his medicine or getting up to move around.

I push him gently but firmly to get up and move around. Laying in bed or sleeping in the chair all day will not improve his strength. Like all of us, he does not like being told what to do. You learn what you’re made of in stressful times. Our mind and bodies can withstand so much to help someone we love. All I know is tomorrow is a new day.

I grew up in this house and it feels strange to stay in my old bedroom at 46. The house built in 1950, is in the hood, has no dishwasher, Internet or privacy. I am going crazy without my Internet escape. I’m in the twilight zone, washing dishes by hand three times a day and the room is the same since leaving home in 1981. Tomorrow is a new day.

Being a caregiver to a dying loved one can leave you drained of emotion, exhausted, and frustrated. All perfectly normal feelings. I felt a quilt mixed in my bowl of emotions. I grew up knowing my grandparents wanted to die at home. I would grant the wish if possible. They inspired me, saved me from parental abuse, and blessed me with unconditional love.

Helping my gramps when making difficult life decisions, while working hard to remember she’s my grandmother. There were uncomfortable conversations, articulate to doctors how she is progressing and butt heads with family members. I ran a tight ship and had no problems telling people it was time to leave, not allowing people over every day. God blessed me with the ability to turn my depression down and step up to the next level. Love for my grandmother drove my decisions down to the last morphine stick.

As our population ages the number of caregivers increases. It can seem overwhelming at times. If you don’t have a blog I would suggest checking out, it gave me an outlet. Caregivers choose to open their hearts to emotional and physical challenges. 

Dementia-Induced Thoughts Of Suicide

Today I used one of four “in case of emergency” pills to keep my Grandmother from hurting herself during a dementia-related meltdown brought on by my Gramps going to the grocery store. She’s had many of these episodes since her stroke almost two years ago. Today I saw the beginning of the end in her face. As I look at the three pills in the bottle, I try to accept that we will need to “ease” the trauma more times before her memory is gone.

Her stroke caused dementia, and at 84 she continues to slide downhill. The meds do a good job of controlling the anger and aggression but on days like today, nothing short of a miracle works. Yet we have never reached for “the emergency” stash and this sinks in as I watch her doze off from the effects.

Today she did not recognize her own home and thought my gramps abandoned her in somebody else’s house while going to the grocery store. She became enraged and very self-destructive by hitting herself in the head while saying that she would rather be dead than left “here” by herself. I tried to calm her as I always do but today nothing worked. I tried to get her to focus on what I was saying but it was too late, she was lost in her painful reality. It was a very hard choice but a drug-induced calm over self-inflicted harm is the right thing to do.

While waiting for the drug to work I showed her photos of her and my grandfather from 24 years ago, a photo of my father on a pony when he was a child, and many others I took off the walls to see if she could connect to anything. She recognized my dad but several other family members were a blur. It was so painful to watch her lose touch, it ripped my heart out.

The Psychiatrist gave us four Xanax pills which were for emergency if she got violent.

Granny had another stroke and is in the hospital again. Late in the night she was sound asleep so  Gramps went home to try to nap and she got upset that he was not there. It took six of us to hold down an 82-year-old who barely weighed 100 lbs. Her aggression reached a point where she needed restraining. Her arms tied to the bed yet she managed to fight. I used all of my weight to hold her down to the bed, yelling at the nurse where the hell was a shot to knock her out. The nurse did not articulate to the doctor the urgency of the situation so he did not approve a sedative. I told her if she could not articulate the need, pass the phone to me. I would get the message across.  The doctor ordered a sedative.

Watching her lose touch with reality is like seeing your child get hit by a car in slow motion and not being able to get a word out. I’m thankful for the time we spent together no matter how painful. I focus on the good moments and do not hold on to difficult days like this.

M